To leave one girls name off the team card?

[GinAtMerlottes]

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

@Elfieishere

Ewwww. Yuck.

Your DD only joined the team in September but now you’re angling to be the “top mother” and you’re singling one girl out to be scorned which is both “queen bee” and “bullying” tactics!

More people than you think are going to be cringing at your behaviour than you think.

I don’t get why on earth you aired this on Mumsnet?

Too many thinks!

Are you also a Daily Mail journalist by any chance OP?

Why is it that someone has to pay for something to show they care in these times. There are lots of reasons the parents haven't payed, maybe religion or they couldn't afford it. To single 1 child out from giving the present is cruel and not necessary.

Psychgirl84
Because how else can aspiring queen bees show that they are the best parent ever?

I've worked with some brilliant PTAs over time and their work is so valuable, but every now and then you get a couple of parents who seem to think that their child should be given special treatment because mum is in the PTA. I drew names out a hat for an oversubscribed opportunity once and received a lengthy email from a small group of PTA mums who felt it was most unfair that after all them and their children do for school, their DC didn't get a place when other 'less suitable children' did. What they actually meant was 'we were expecting preferential treatment and are annoyed that you were honest when poor children or children with SEN came out the hat'.

I've worked with some brilliant PTAs over time and their work is so valuable, but every now and then you get a couple of parents who seem to think that their child should be given special treatment because mum is in the PTA. I drew names out a hat for an oversubscribed opportunity once and received a lengthy email from a small group of PTA mums who felt it was most unfair that after all them and their children do for school, their DC didn't get a place when other 'less suitable children' did. What they actually meant was 'we were expecting preferential treatment and are annoyed that you were honest when poor children or children with SEN came out the hat'.

Totally agree and in this case it's to ensure their child is always in the first team.

You should not have set an amount. £10 is a huge amount of money to very many people and it was thoughtless and unkind not to realise this. And excluding the child's name is also really unkind. Why ask if you are being unreasonable when you are so clear that you are not even when Mumsnet says 'yup YABU'? Why bother posting...

I know what your next move will be OP.

Pushing for the coach to award a “most promising player award” to your DD!

OP it is very obvious to everyone here that you are not in the slightest concerned about upsetting the people by including their name. Nor do you find 'from the team' a ghastly thing to write. You are clearly trying to sound like you are deeply concerned about not offending the people who have not contributed when in fact you are just being a holier than thou cow

Yeaaa. I’m so upset I had to waste a few tenners on a takeaway to wash away the pain

Not even funny. Do try to be funny, at least.

“Totally agree and in this case it's to ensure their child is always in the first team.”

I think those who are making assumptions about the OP without knowing her are being a bit unkind tbh.

However, I find the behaviour of parents who essentially “bribe” teachers and coaches with large gifts to give special treatment to their children totally abhorrent. I know so many “tiger” parents like this, generally women, who would trample over their own grannies to get the absolute best for their kids and not care one bit about any of the other kids. Always chatting to the class teacher or coach, emailing the head etc. It always makes me wonder if I should do the same and worry that my kids will be disadvantaged, but it’s just not in my nature at all.

@Psychgirl84

Why is it that someone has to pay for something to show they care in these times. There are lots of reasons the parents haven't payed, maybe religion or they couldn't afford it. To single 1 child out from giving the present is cruel and not necessary.

They don’t, they could send a card or email of thanks which would probably be equally well received.

Just think of your reaction if your child's name was deliberately missed off by another parent.

How could you be so mean to even think of this.

Now if it were the parents' names......

I used to teach a sport to a small group of kids and to be honest I'd have been mortified if I was given anything, nevermind to the value of £100. I think that's excessive, even without Covid times. Perhaps there are better ways to show (and teach your kids) gratitude.

It always makes me wonder if I should do the same and worry that my kids will be disadvantaged, but it’s just not in my nature at all.
Most people who work with children see through brown-nosing and pushy parents.

In my experience the brown nosers and pushy parents tend to get a 'that's nice' smile and that's it. They also tend to end up becoming well known between staff for the wrong reasons. We can generally tell the genuine vs the pushy.

Once I took some students on an outdoor trip and it rained all day. The thing that made me smile was a couple of parents brought a small box of chocolates for staff to pick up because 'it must have been rough, rather you than us'. It was quietly passed across and it was such a lovely thought.

I think if I were the coach, I would be more touched if each girl had signed her name on the card individually, rather than one mum writing all the names. In that way the card giving could have been entirely separated from the present contribution.

We had a Queen Bee at DSs’ infant school. Ran the PTA and all-round Superwoman. Asked everyone to pitch in £10 each for an end of year present for DS2’s class teacher. I had a quiet word with QB and explained that I really couldn’t manage £10 because I also had to get presents for DS1’s teacher, 1:1 special needs assistant and senco. QB told me kindly that that was fine, she totally understood - I could donate a smaller amount, whatever I could afford - and DS2’s name would be written at the bottom of the card in smaller text than everyone else’s.

I could donate a smaller amount, whatever I could afford - and DS2’s name would be written at the bottom of the card in smaller text than everyone else’s

You really have to wonder what goes on inside of the brains of people like this ...(including the OP sadly).

“and DS2’s name would be written at the bottom of the card in smaller text than everyone else’s. hmm”

Really?? Someone actually said that?

@Watermelon888

“and DS2’s name would be written at the bottom of the card in smaller text than everyone else’s. hmm”

Really?? Someone actually said that?

Yep.

I could donate a smaller amount, whatever I could afford - and DS2’s name would be written at the bottom of the card in smaller text than everyone else’s

Oh my fucking god!

Understand OP has left the thread but it seems daft to even write individual names. Different when it’s a card being passed round the office and everyone signs it but surely OP isn’t sitting writing the names of everyone who contributed

I could donate a smaller amount, whatever I could afford - and DS2’s name would be written at the bottom of the card in smaller text than everyone else’s.

I bet she thought she was incredibly kind and inclusive as well.

@CatkinToadflax

We had a Queen Bee at DSs’ infant school. Ran the PTA and all-round Superwoman. Asked everyone to pitch in £10 each for an end of year present for DS2’s class teacher. I had a quiet word with QB and explained that I really couldn’t manage £10 because I also had to get presents for DS1’s teacher, 1:1 special needs assistant and senco. QB told me kindly that that was fine, she totally understood - I could donate a smaller amount, whatever I could afford - and DS2’s name would be written at the bottom of the card in smaller text than everyone else’s.

That's plumbing new depths! Unbelievable.