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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave one girls name off the team card?

533 replies

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:33

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthis111 · 16/12/2020 19:49

The funniest thing is when the person collecting decides to buy something “personally chosen” instead of something generic.

One that particularly stands out, was a class gift of a £150 umbrella for the poor teacher. (I can imagine what she felt like doing with that!).

Another was a £40 bottle of champagne for someone with fairly simple tastes who they weren’t sure even drank alcohol!

Beautifulbonnie · 16/12/2020 19:50

@GGioia

This was once done when I was in Primary school and back then my mothers English wasn't good so she probably didn't understand that there was a gift collection for a teachers gift. Anyway, the teacher received the gift, the flowers and the massive card with everyone's name signed on it apart from mine. We were sitting on the carpet floor when our teacher opened the gift and thanked everyone. She hanged the card by the black board and I went to look at it at later on and it didn't have my name on it. Most of the class had signed it apart from me. I was really upset not to be included in it. When I went home I told my mum about it and she had no idea but it was pretty mortifying for me back then. I guess op has most likely understood what it could cause if she leaves one child out as the majority of the comments suggests a generic message that includes the whole team instead of individually naming each child whose parent/cared has contributed to the collection. Tbh though, £10 is a lot especially at these difficult times and maybe next time do the old school style with a massive brown envelope and loose change.
I agree

But then OP wants it to be all

'Look at me and what I did!' She didn't think that a young child (which could be her own child. I mean this might happen next year and because she didn't check the message or enail. Her own daughter might be the only name left off. ). Might be left out through no fault of her own. She took it upon herself to make sure it wasn't signed from the team. Because SHE thought it would be too cringey. SHE didn't think that the child whose parents didn't say anything should have her name. SHE DIDNT

See the pattern......

Pixie2015 · 16/12/2020 19:53

Send the card from the team - I don’t like the idea of setting a price - I did similar collection last year and donations varied from one to ten pound but the gift was equally from whole team

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 16/12/2020 19:56

May your glory laden back heal at the same rate as my hands so that you don’t have to stand for hours veg prepping Wink

Beautifulbonnie · 16/12/2020 19:57

@Namechangeforthis111

The funniest thing is when the person collecting decides to buy something “personally chosen” instead of something generic.

One that particularly stands out, was a class gift of a £150 umbrella for the poor teacher. (I can imagine what she felt like doing with that!).

Another was a £40 bottle of champagne for someone with fairly simple tastes who they weren’t sure even drank alcohol!

£150 umbrella?!? Why?!?!?
oblada · 16/12/2020 19:57

Collections like this are awful anyway. They are not helping at all. Usually the recipient doesn't want some rubbish (but expensive) presents and parents feel under pressure to contribute. I'd be happy if we all stopped this farce and just focused on writing heart-felt cards or making small but meaningful gestures!
In this case - another vote for 'from the team'.

peppermintteadrinker · 16/12/2020 20:04

Op "would I come across as a bit of a tw*t if I did x?"
Mumsnet "hmm yeah you would"
Op " haha.. Mumsnet you're so weird...of course I'm not..I'm doing it anyway"
Mumsnet" uh..ok"

Hmm
To leave one girls name off the team card?
ArosAdraDrosDolig · 16/12/2020 20:11

If I were the recipient of the gift, I would be upset that buying me a present had been used as a way to single out and upset a child and their family. I would be really angry actually to be an unwilling and unwitting part of that. So the gift would upset and anger me, not make me feel touched and valued.
Horrible thing to do.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 16/12/2020 20:12

It's all just So Unnecessary

Crankley · 16/12/2020 20:12

After all that, you left her off the card - really scummy behaviour and not much Christmas spirit with you is there? You could have avoided the whole issue by saying 'from the team' or whatever, but no.

I hope karma bites you on the bum one day.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 16/12/2020 20:13

Thing is when you get asked to contribute left right and Centre, a tenner here and there, it all adds up. No one should be punished for saying no.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 16/12/2020 20:14

I've just seen you did leave her name off. That's disgraceful. What happened to giving for the giver, are kudos worth that much to you?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 16/12/2020 20:19

Oh well. There's only one person who will look like a cunt when she reads the card.

randomer · 16/12/2020 20:19

Truly it is an absolutely hideous dilemma, should I spitefully avoid writing a childs name on a card or not? Meanwhile,somebody somewhere is selling themself and/or their kid so they can stay alive. Tough call OP

Chickenwing · 16/12/2020 20:25

If I recieved a card with all the kids names on bar one, I'd think the organiser was a fanny.

CtrlU · 16/12/2020 20:27

Your so petty

To even let that thought cross your mind - your petty.

Namechangeforthis111 · 16/12/2020 20:28

“If I were the recipient of the gift, I would be upset that buying me a present had been used as a way to single out and upset a child and their family. I would be really angry actually to be an unwilling and unwitting part of that. So the gift would upset and anger me, not make me feel touched and valued.
Horrible thing to do.”

I’m not trying to be antagonistic, but why is everyone assuming that the family or child is being singled out, or that they can’t afford to donate? It’s a bit patronising. It may be that they already bought something. They may not want to buy something. It’s a voluntary contribution not mandatory!

And honestly the kid will have no idea her name isn’t on the card and the coach probably won’t notice anyway! And even if they did notice, no coach or teacher would think badly of a child if the parent didn’t donate. What if everyone took individual presents, would you feel the same then?

Unless the present is presented in some sort of big ceremony (in which case all names should be included), this is nothing more than a group of friends clubbing together to buy a present. No more or less traumatic than that.

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 20:29

[quote Namechangeforthis111]@Wheresmykimchi

“You might feel comfortable to do that - there's a number of reasons for that that might not apply to the parent in this situation.”

I’m not entirely sure what you mean? Sorry I have only skim read it. I’m supposed to be wrapping but the thread is too entertaining!

I suppose part of being a parent and an adult is facing and dealing with difficult and uncomfortable situations, like this one.[/quote]
Well -

You might feel comfortable saying it because you get on with the queen bee, or you're an assertive person , or your life in general bar the shit show that is covid is relatively Ok, etc etc

The person in this situation may not feel the same.

Namechangeforthis111 · 16/12/2020 20:32

“£150 umbrella?!? Why?!?!?”

I thought the same!

It says more about the giver than the receiver...

Namechangeforthis111 · 16/12/2020 20:36

“You might feel comfortable saying it because you get on with the queen bee, or you're an assertive person , or your life in general bar the shit show that is covid is relatively Ok, etc etc

The person in this situation may not feel the same.”

I generally keep well out of the way of queen bees, they scare the life out of me with their competitiveness. I’m generally an easy going person. I wouldn’t have said I was assertive at all (I usually get dh to deal with awkward issues ), but maybe I am! It just wouldn’t worry me at all to text back saying sorry I’ve already got something. But perhaps others read more into that!

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 16/12/2020 20:44

Nasty, nasty behaviour OP. Poor kid. You've no idea if the family are struggling, or the parents aren't involved. I was the kid whose parents never paid for whip arounds or class photos because my parents were utterly skint (they didn't drink, smoke, take holidays have a car) but being that one kid who hadn't paid makes my stomach lurch now even just thinking about it.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 16/12/2020 21:06

And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed

Ah I love that it is only you will look fucking nasty bad. Well done.

amateursleuth · 16/12/2020 21:10

CANCEL THE CHEQUE

kursaalflyer · 16/12/2020 21:21

I think we can all sigh with relief that the op chose NOT to put the girl's name on the card. Can you imagine the secret conversations in the new year whispering to one or two (or eight) parents that she DID put X's name on the card, I HOPE you don't mind, they DIDN'T actually contribute but I felt it UNFAIR to leave the poor little mite off. HOPE that's ok with you? Unbearable! Grin

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 21:21

@kursaalflyer

I think we can all sigh with relief that the op chose NOT to put the girl's name on the card. Can you imagine the secret conversations in the new year whispering to one or two (or eight) parents that she DID put X's name on the card, I HOPE you don't mind, they DIDN'T actually contribute but I felt it UNFAIR to leave the poor little mite off. HOPE that's ok with you? Unbearable! Grin
Grin

Omg Hun thanks so much what would we do without you X

You just never know be kind x

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