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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave one girls name off the team card?

533 replies

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:33

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

OP posts:
Eaumyword · 16/12/2020 21:34

My preoccupation with this (non) dilemma would be what would my DD or DS want me to do? Exclude their friend/team member or model good team behaviour by including them?
As others have said, this year particularly has been tough for so many. £10 is a lot to demand. More inclusive to just say put in what you can afford if you want to give and purchase a gift accordingly from the team. It's the thought that counts, not the show ponying that goes with it.

ChestnutStuffing · 16/12/2020 21:47

If people aren't prepared for the fact that some team members won't be able to contribute money, they shouldn't bother with a team gift.

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 21:47

[quote Beautifulbonnie]@Elfieishere

Oh. Hit a nerve did I. Yes I did 😂😂😂😂😂[/quote]
Yeaaa. I’m so upset I had to waste a few tenners on a takeaway to wash away the pain 😂😂

ChestnutStuffing · 16/12/2020 21:48

By which I mean - the gift is from the whole team, even if some can't contribute, and if people aren't willing to live with that they should not have a team gift, they can give a personal gift or nothing.

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 21:50

@Elfieishere given the context of this and a child , your posts are quite nasty .

Mydogmylife · 16/12/2020 21:50

@Chickenwing

If I recieved a card with all the kids names on bar one, I'd think the organiser was a fanny.
Indeed!
LindaEllen · 16/12/2020 22:05

I wouldn't put any names on it, because it's not the kids' fault whether their parents contribute or not.

Put 'from everyone at -team name-' and that's all you need.

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 22:26

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@Elfieishere given the context of this and a child , your posts are quite nasty .[/quote]
Of course someone laughing and saying they hit a nerve is super nice. My mistake. Hmm

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 16/12/2020 23:07

You forgot your ‘wow’ to go with your eye roll Hmm

Nc135 · 16/12/2020 23:08

How do you even have the time to think about this. Of course add her name!

Bookworming · 17/12/2020 06:15

OP AIBU......

Vast majority on MN ... YABU

OP Well I'm doing it anyway and you're all nasty

Well why ask?

Personally if the gift was given to me, I'd think a lot worse of the organiser painstakingly writing all the other names out to make the point that one child didn't contribute.

Maybe you could've taken it one step further and said 'all the team and people training except "x".

You've really got the Christmas spirit and team spirit OP.

Very very unkind OP.

balloonsintrees · 17/12/2020 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/12/2020 07:20

@Elfieishere I haven't read all the comments but I think as balloon said , those of us who work in these situations and see the reality are sensitive to the comments made.

ContessaDiPulpo · 17/12/2020 07:21

Bit late to the party here but I can understand the OP's thinking here: she has the option of adding a name to a card and possibly causing that person's family to take offence, NOT adding a name to card and possibly embarrassing that person's family, or using an inaccurate term that doesn't give credit to actual contributors and possibly causing them offence. If you don't know all the back story of why the family didn't contribute in the first place then it's hard to know which of the first 2 options is better.

As an aside (and an opposing example), in my father's home country there was a famous billboard by the motorway outside a major city. It said something like 'Import-export business - Nouri Al-Ghad and sons (except Tayseer)'. I always felt bad for Tayseer being effectively nationally shamed for not entering the family business Grin

NoDabbingPlease · 17/12/2020 07:30

@ContessaDiPulpo

Bit late to the party here but I can understand the OP's thinking here: she has the option of adding a name to a card and possibly causing that person's family to take offence, NOT adding a name to card and possibly embarrassing that person's family, or using an inaccurate term that doesn't give credit to actual contributors and possibly causing them offence. If you don't know all the back story of why the family didn't contribute in the first place then it's hard to know which of the first 2 options is better.

As an aside (and an opposing example), in my father's home country there was a famous billboard by the motorway outside a major city. It said something like 'Import-export business - Nouri Al-Ghad and sons (except Tayseer)'. I always felt bad for Tayseer being effectively nationally shamed for not entering the family business Grin

Love the billboard story! Though also feel a bit sorry for Tayseer.
balloonsintrees · 17/12/2020 07:30

Btw, I have just had a thank you present from a parent for helping her daughter out with something - it was a normal pack of chocolate digestives. The amount of joy that caused in my office that day was immeasurable! We were in the middle of marking mock exams, running around trying to sort out track and trace, full teaching day with meetings before and after school. The biscuits were something yummy that we could dip in and out of all day just to keep us going.
I very much value the thought behind it, as I am doing my job and there is no expectation of gifts - but this parent made a lovely gesture. (I do know that this may have meant a sacrifice from them rather than just randomly picking something out from a cupboard that wouldn't be missed)

Confusedandshaken · 17/12/2020 07:48

When I read threads like this it’s a great comfort to me that people generally reap what they sow.

Confusedandshaken · 17/12/2020 07:51

Thanks everyone. It hadn’t even occurred to me that I could just use it like a pillar candle!

I’m going to try the freezer suggestion first as I know that works on wax melts. If that fails I’ll try the other suggestions.

RedBetty · 17/12/2020 07:53

As PP's have said, there's at least one in every playground. There were a few when my kids were at school. Do they evaporate after that, only to exist on mumsnet? Or maybe their ability to occupy themselves with such ridiculousness diminishes once outside the school gates.

1busybee · 17/12/2020 07:56

There is potential that this family is Jehovah’s Witness or similar so don’t celebrate Christmas. I would sign it from the team so as to avoid any awkwardness.

lighlypoached · 17/12/2020 08:12

In my first job there was a very strident woman in the office. She organised a leaving collection for one of the staff. We all signed the card and on the back she wrote
" non contributors...." and ,Kate's each of them. Grin

At the time I was young and didn't know whether to be impressed by her chutzpah, or appalled at her manners.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/12/2020 08:32

@lighlypoached

In my first job there was a very strident woman in the office. She organised a leaving collection for one of the staff. We all signed the card and on the back she wrote " non contributors...." and ,Kate's each of them. Grin

At the time I was young and didn't know whether to be impressed by her chutzpah, or appalled at her manners.

Shock
Confusedandshaken · 17/12/2020 09:00

@Confusedandshaken

Thanks everyone. It hadn’t even occurred to me that I could just use it like a pillar candle!

I’m going to try the freezer suggestion first as I know that works on wax melts. If that fails I’ll try the other suggestions.

As I'm sure is clear I posted this on the wrong thread. Sorry!!
Floridana · 17/12/2020 09:08

Money is tight for a lot of people. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to contribute, a lot of families just can't spare the cash. Maybe this year they have other collections they've already given to and feel bad so say nothing. It's was your idea and although very generous, I'm sure nothing is expected and she will be happy with what you have given.

OldBean2 · 17/12/2020 09:13

You have no idea about the circumstances of the other parents, singling out one child is invidious.

You asked a question, we answered, so there is little point in getting arsey because you don't like the response.