Argh! Christmas, my parents and my lazy brother

[Glowbuggy]

Help!

Back story. My brother is a high earner, very good at his job, completely lazy in every other aspect of his life, he’s ok at parenting - bare minimum. My parents think the sun shines out of his butt.

Me: work part time in a highly professional and stressful field. Always helps parents, organises all birthday gatherings, kids presents, sleepovers, make birthday cakes just generally ensures that we celebrate together.

This year: I admitted I had a mental health issue. Mother calls me a ‘proper nutter’ as a joke. Lots of patronising. Parents also have lots of praise for brother and how hard he works. Feel like it’s a kick in the teeth so this might be clouding the following:

Christmas, for the first time I said I wasn’t up for hosting. That I’m struggling, stressed and tired. Brother doesn’t offer, mum does. Ok, so I said I’d bring food, organise presents etc. brother doesn’t care. Now mum says it’s too much, cancelled it and the BOTH had a dig that it’s my fault because I’m not ‘coping’.

What’s my move here. I’m upset, but I’m also at the ‘f*ck them’ stage. I’m upset because for years I’ve been facilitating these get togethers, and one year I can’t, no one thinks ‘maybe we should make sure Glowbuggy’ has a nice day for a change.

Sorry I know this is petty but I’m sad.

I understand that you’re sad, and you don’t need to apologise for that.

Sadly it’s often the case that people will take the piss if you’re a kind, thoughtful and conscientious person.

This year don’t do anything. Stay at home and relax and have a quiet, cosy Christmas with no one to please but yourself.

Its not petty. They don't sound like people I'd want to spend time and effort on personally.
Fuck them. Have you got a family of your own? If so just have Christmas with them and if not do you have a friend you could spend it with?

Tbh if you tell them the truth be prepared for the fallout. I’d tell them that You’re allowed not to cope, and you’re giving yourself space. How old is your mum? Why is she not coping? What’s your brothers excuse for not being able to do it, why is he not coping? You really need to stop enabling their behaviour. It hurts but if you are only valuable to them when you are doing stuff for them then it’s time to stop

I do have my own family. And I will be spending it with them. I just feel let down, particularly my parents. And I don’t know how to respond to the pathetic ‘we’ve cancelled Christmas because you’re obviously not coping with it’ message.

Quite happy to get free legal advice off me last week though. But I still don’t work as hard as my brother 🙄

Fuck them have a peaceful day stop arranging everything for them

If IF your mom mentions it again point out its too much for her to handle even WITH your help so you have zero interest in doing it ever again

Thank you for your kind messages. My Mum is 62. She’s great in helping with kids, but emotionally she’s not a very nice mum. She comments on weight, clothes, length of kids hair etc. always a negative opinion of me.

But no golden brother.

It hurts.

I’m sorry your family of origin is so unsupportive. Your move is to take care of yourself as you can’t rely on them to do it. I hope you have enough energy to at least make sure you have a nice day doing what you like and/or get an invite from someone who does appreciate all you do.

There’s no need to respond to anything they say. Just grey rock it, disregard and relax with your family.

Thank you 😊

It’s disappointing they can’t do for you what you’d do for them. I’m so sorry they’ve made you feel sad. That’s shit, and it’s been a shitty year.

However - you cannot expect other people to behave how you would behave. You need to let go of that expectation in order to be happier.

Your move here is indeed ‘fuck them’. If there’s one year that you can cleanly and clearly claim staying home and not Doing Christmas is for the best for everyone, it’s 2020.

So.
How would you like to celebrate, glowbuggy?

Tbh, when your mum offered to host I wouldn't have then offered to bring food etc. I assume when you host you organise all that and you're just moving the same stress to a different location and not letting anyone else take it on.

That being said, they don't sound supportive. Different people have varying degrees of what they can cope with eg on paper I have no reason to not be coping with this year, I am wfh, I get to be with DD loads more, DH is working still, we're not struggling for money...but this last month I've been a mess cos I'm just not coping with missing my dad and my sister. So it doesn't matter why your mum and brother aren't coping anymore than it matters why you aren't. But your mum sounds unreasonable for cancelling her offer to host because you're not able to do all the actual running for it.

Stay at home, blame covid symptoms if you have to, and enjoy a stress free Christmas.

Do you need her help with the kids?

Have you visited the stately homes thread?

That sounds very hurtful.

Stop doing anything for her. She sounds vile.

Oh this rings true for me! My brother works harder, is more important in his job and is definitely under more stress and risk of covid than me- apparently. So whenever I make a comment my mum is there to remind me of any or all of these facts.... I give up.

Personally I would message brother and parents to say its brothers turn to do Christmas or is he struggling to cope? Proper nutter! Offer to support if he us clearly struggling. That would get a response in my family as my brother couldn't possibly struggle!

Sod. Is just reply “ok, thanks for letting us know. Have a great Xmas. See you in the new year”

Then work on having a lovely Xmas at home with your family.

She’s probably hoping to drag you in to an argument or to get you to say you’ll do all the work.

I get you... my brother is lazy, uncaring and contributes nothing to family, but is utterly worshipped for some reason.
Grey rock is the best strategy. Don't let your parents make you feel bad about yourself, let it go. Sounds like you need a break, so fuck em! You are not responsible for their happiness.

It’s not petty at all! Fuck them.
Message mum: I do 1000x as much for you as brother and all I hear is I’m letting you down because I’m not coping. You wouldn’t host Christmas even with my help and still call me not coping. My New Years resolutions are: I’m never cooking another Christmas meal for people who constantly put me down, and you can pay for your legal advice next time from a professional who isn’t fitting it into her limited personal time as a favour.

Group message: ok I’m out for hosting Christmas, Mum isn’t up for it even with my help, brother your turn next year.

I would respond with: 'as I've done it every year it's time someone else did it. If you aren't willing that's on you'.
And why you volunteered to do the food and presents when your nother was going to host is beyond me. You could have just helped wash up in the day.
You aren't going to change your family dynamic now. But you do not have to be part of it anymore.

OP, in their eyes you will never be as good as your brother.
It sucks.
You can’t change their behaviour, only the way you react to it.
I’m so sorry your parents (especially your mother) is no unsupportive and dismissive.

Stay at home and make your Christmas lovely with your kids without lazy arses that expect to be waited on.Ignore any passive aggressive hints and comments.Let them crack on with organising their own Christmas.

Funny like when you’re struggling with life you’re a “nutter” and the can’t cope with organising family meal.

Double standards :)

I’d also step back from any organising duties and let them crack on.

There is a Stately Homes thread in Relationships for people with dysfunctional families.

Wishing you strength OP, don’t buckle to their demands.

Make this your Christmas to do things that you want to with your own family. You can enjoy a relaxed, pleasant, stress free time. You will enjoy it so much you won't bother with the stress of hosting them again.

Your brother will always be the golden child. It's time he stepped up & you step back. He won't, but without you there picking up his slack your mother can't be singing his praises whilst you run yourself ragged.

Enjoy your Christmas .

You tell them you can do whatever you like I’m spending Christmas on my own family, say COVID if you have too, let the golden child get on with it, hugs.

Make sure you fb/social media post A pic of your Christmas with most relaxing Christmas we’ve ever had, so much fun!!
Get a couple of friends to chime In with comments oh it’s so good to just step back isn’t it? / You can’t keep doing every thing for everyone, glad you’ve realised. / looks amazing I think that will be us next year!

Oh you’ve had the weight comments been there done that, I ditched my lot 13 years ago thank god.