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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argh! Christmas, my parents and my lazy brother

168 replies

Glowbuggy · 15/12/2020 23:07

Help!

Back story. My brother is a high earner, very good at his job, completely lazy in every other aspect of his life, he’s ok at parenting - bare minimum. My parents think the sun shines out of his butt.

Me: work part time in a highly professional and stressful field. Always helps parents, organises all birthday gatherings, kids presents, sleepovers, make birthday cakes just generally ensures that we celebrate together.

This year: I admitted I had a mental health issue. Mother calls me a ‘proper nutter’ as a joke. Lots of patronising. Parents also have lots of praise for brother and how hard he works. Feel like it’s a kick in the teeth so this might be clouding the following:

Christmas, for the first time I said I wasn’t up for hosting. That I’m struggling, stressed and tired. Brother doesn’t offer, mum does. Ok, so I said I’d bring food, organise presents etc. brother doesn’t care. Now mum says it’s too much, cancelled it and the BOTH had a dig that it’s my fault because I’m not ‘coping’.

What’s my move here. I’m upset, but I’m also at the ‘f*ck them’ stage. I’m upset because for years I’ve been facilitating these get togethers, and one year I can’t, no one thinks ‘maybe we should make sure Glowbuggy’ has a nice day for a change.

Sorry I know this is petty but I’m sad.

OP posts:
Charliecatpaws · 15/12/2020 23:55

Fuck them, 2020 has been a hard year for many people. Enjoy a more relaxing day with the family that are important to you. Take care and have a good Christmas xx

MyDaughtersLeftFoot · 15/12/2020 23:55

“Actually no, I’m not coping. Thanks for noticing. We’ll catch up after Christmas”

That should work if you need to respond.

Charliecatpaws · 15/12/2020 23:56

Sorry I forgot to add - you don’t need your mother’s negativity in your life x

Hawkins001 · 15/12/2020 23:58

Could you text and ask the too ask the brother to assist as you have done it x times previously ?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/12/2020 00:00

Try to view this year as a chance to change tradition ( I.e. you hosting and doing all the work) and have a lovely, relaxing day with at home. Once the precedent’s been set, you may not want to return to hosting and there’s no reason why you should! You might decide you’d just like to see them for a cup of tea on Boxing Day next year. 😄

Sometime you need a break from the norm to realize that things can change. You don’t need to try so hard or prove anything to anyone, OP. Enjoy a more restful Christmas.💐

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2020 00:02

Surely if it's too much for you to cope with, your brother would be able to do it blind folded tied to a chair??

Can you suggest to them that perhaps Brother could take a turn this year and he's so much more "able" at everything

nanbread · 16/12/2020 00:03

What did they actually say - what was the dig?

Could you have misconstrued it as a dig when it was meant not to be?

Clutching at straws here, but sometimes I can jump to the worst conclusion and when I re-read s message it's not what I thought it was.

But if it was a dig, fuck them indeed.

Shamoo · 16/12/2020 00:03

“No problem Mum. I’m sure DB will be happy to host us all this year. Assuming so DB, let me know what we can bring, maybe desert? Looking forward to it :)”

TheWeightOfWords · 16/12/2020 00:05

I thought I'd written your post at first!

You are changing your place in the story by not doing everything for them and so they will try hard to make you feel guilty and will be difficult. Just sit tight and don't get pulled back in.

I am going through exactly the same thing. Flowers

Shamoo · 16/12/2020 00:05

*dessert. Don’t actually offer to take the Sahara.

milveycrohn · 16/12/2020 00:07

You brother is good at his job and a High earner (see your original post OP), because he can focus on his work, knowing he has other people who take care of all the 'little things in life', such as hosting Christmas Day (or dinner, or whatever).
You have the perfect excuse not to go, ie that you want to observe normal covid restrictions (if there is such a thing as 'normal' restrictions, etc), and say that you wish to avoid household mixing.
Alternatively, if you end up hosting make sure you do not end up doing all the cooking ; ie, buy ready prepared vegetables, desserts, etc
And why are you organising presents, etc? who for? Dont they buy presents?
If there are no children and only adults, then it is really stupid all buying each other presents, that you probably wont like. Either do a secret santa, or set a max spend amount.

Everhopeful1 · 16/12/2020 00:10

aw sending love to you, brothers are spectacularly inept when there is a good sister about!

FunkBus · 16/12/2020 00:11

Yup, fuck them. I have a similar set-up, not quite so stark (neither of us are successful for one thing!) and I don't run around trying to facilitate anything, but come Christmas day, my lazy-arsed brother sits on his arse while I do all the cooking, dish-washing etc with my mum. Any pleas for help get met with my mum saying 'stop trying to cause an argument.'

It's infuriating.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/12/2020 00:11

You are changing your place in the story by not doing everything for them and so they will try hard to make you feel guilty and will be difficulty.

Exactly, Don’t try to come up with an alternative “solution” or do anything at all. They can get on with their Christmas and you can get on with yours. Things don’t have to be a certain “way” every year.

DebbieDooley · 16/12/2020 00:12

Leave them to it. Enjoy your time with your own family, and in the New Year, assess whether or not you want to continue having them in your life.

TheWeightOfWords · 16/12/2020 00:14

To add to my previous post, I wouldn't say anything, just step back and be a bit aloof. Don't bother to argue as they won't want to hear you. I expect you will feel guilty but if you can't do it for you then do it for your children. Covid is going to provide a great excuse for scapegoats this year, maybe 2021 is the year of change.

Lalliella · 16/12/2020 00:15

You are absolutely not petty at all. Your mum and brother sound horrendous. Completely lacking in empathy and sympathy and pretty much any human emotion. No wonder you have mental health issues, sounds like you can never be good enough for them. Definitely say fuck them this year and have a lovely Christmas with your own little family.

Deelish75 · 16/12/2020 00:22

This sounds so familiar. I stepped back a few years ago and did my own thing, it was great.

Unfortunately your parents are never going to admit that the sun doesn’t shine out of golden boy’s backside but deep down they’ll know it. In the meantime it’s easier to scapegoat you.

You have a choice - carry on being your parent’s (mother’s in particular) whipping child or do your own thing.

greenlynx · 16/12/2020 00:28

I like Shamoo’s approach: nice and breezy, polite and straight to the point. I wouldn’t do any sarcastic or emotional comments. It won’t work with your relatives. Stick to simple line: I was hosting 7/9/15 years, now it’s someone else turn to host. It was a difficult year and I need quieter Xmas.

And in the future make sure you only do cakes/presents/gatherings which are convenient for you. Unfortunately you just have unsupportive Mum, you won’t change her, it’s too late.

My mum is the same. I moved to UK so there is no question of me hosting anything, parents are not able to travel, but my sister lives near them and does all family gatherings. She’s brilliant host but our Mum is never pleased. It’s like a joke by now that the birthday party went well but of course grandma didn’t like it. I really feel for you, it sucks, so don’t cut contact with your relatives just focus on your own family.

BasiliskStare · 16/12/2020 00:39

I would just say "this year could you , Brother , do Christmas.? Mum feels it's too much for her . If you don't feel up to that's fine, to be honest I don't this year. If you or Mum can't then not a problem we'll perhaps all try to meet up afterwards / NY , circs permitting. )

Don't fix on Dbro being the golden child. If it is how they think - you won't change it. Think about yourself for a bit and maybe if you stick to your guns they will either appreciate what you do or you will realise they don't so you don't have to do it unless you really want to and it gives you some pleasure.

All best to you & I do hope you won't let this add to your stress.

All wishes for a stress free Christmas @Glowbuggy Flowers

gluteustothemaximus · 16/12/2020 00:40

We hosted every year. We don't anymore and it’s bliss.

We don't see them either, but that's a whole other story.

There's something about a person who is fine when you're being 'good' then shows true colours when you 'let them down'.

If you were my daughter and you weren't coping with life, like many of us go through, I'd be there like a fucking shot and making sure you had a lovely relaxing Christmas.

Look after yourself Flowers

ClaireP20 · 16/12/2020 00:43

I say this with kindness, because I am the same. But you are suffering from martyr syndrome.

Don't worry about organising present, or cakes. It may be overwhelming for others. Perhaps they all just want a quiet Christmas, and feel they have to see you, because otherwise you'll be upset. Which you are. So as another poster said, relax indoors, glass of wine or 10, stay chilled and don't say anything negative towards them.

ClaireP20 · 16/12/2020 00:45

@TheWeightOfWords

To add to my previous post, I wouldn't say anything, just step back and be a bit aloof. Don't bother to argue as they won't want to hear you. I expect you will feel guilty but if you can't do it for you then do it for your children. Covid is going to provide a great excuse for scapegoats this year, maybe 2021 is the year of change.
I agree. This is the year to change things x
Inkpaperstars · 16/12/2020 00:46

You absolutely deserve a year off just because you feel like it, and you also absolutely deserve support when you need a year off because you are struggling. You have done nothing wrong in asking for that. You’ve done the hard work for years and obviously when one year you need the help, they can’t manage it or can’t be bothered. Perhaps it is partly because they don’t really accept that you need a break, in which that is completely on them. I don’t blame you for feeling upset and hurt, whatever their reasoning.

Maybe it is partly because this year, with covid and everything, it seems less worthwhile to do a get together. I would agree with that, just because we can meet at Christmas doesn’t mean we should. They could have said that though rather than been unsupportive.

All you can do is remind yourself you are right, refuse to be guilted, point out as a pp said that they apparently can’t cope for one year, and most of all enjoy your cosy Christmas at home relaxing as much as possible.
Don’t let them rile this up into a stress or a row, just disengage in a vaguely pleasant whilst absolutely refusing to be made to feel at fault.

Well done by the way for speaking up about what is best for you.

Vellinbracelet · 16/12/2020 00:56

Tell them both to eff off. Why do they have the right to make you feel bad?
No more op, life and relationships are supposed to make you feel good.
Angry on your behalf.