Argh! Christmas, my parents and my lazy brother

[Glowbuggy]

Help!

Back story. My brother is a high earner, very good at his job, completely lazy in every other aspect of his life, he’s ok at parenting - bare minimum. My parents think the sun shines out of his butt.

Me: work part time in a highly professional and stressful field. Always helps parents, organises all birthday gatherings, kids presents, sleepovers, make birthday cakes just generally ensures that we celebrate together.

This year: I admitted I had a mental health issue. Mother calls me a ‘proper nutter’ as a joke. Lots of patronising. Parents also have lots of praise for brother and how hard he works. Feel like it’s a kick in the teeth so this might be clouding the following:

Christmas, for the first time I said I wasn’t up for hosting. That I’m struggling, stressed and tired. Brother doesn’t offer, mum does. Ok, so I said I’d bring food, organise presents etc. brother doesn’t care. Now mum says it’s too much, cancelled it and the BOTH had a dig that it’s my fault because I’m not ‘coping’.

What’s my move here. I’m upset, but I’m also at the ‘f*ck them’ stage. I’m upset because for years I’ve been facilitating these get togethers, and one year I can’t, no one thinks ‘maybe we should make sure Glowbuggy’ has a nice day for a change.

Sorry I know this is petty but I’m sad.

Can you link to that thread please billybagpuss?

Good luck OP. Your dm is awful to describe you as a 'proper nutter', that made me seethe.

Have you ever sent a group message/whatsapp etc asking 'why is it always me who is left to arrange birthdays/Christmas/anniversaries"? - and if so , what was their response?

What’s my move here.

Start standing up for YOU. Take responsibility for yourself. You are having a tough time, so do what you need to do to get better. People who don't support you but rather bring you down, are those the people worthy of worrying over.
Ask them if they feel proud about kicking someone when they are down, and leave it at that UNTIL they apologize and recognize their behaviour.

I'd take a massive step back and focus on your own family. Don't organise presents, food, get togethers etc with them any more. They don't give a fuck about your well being beyond how it affects them.

Instead focus your attention on your friends and family. They'll soon start to appreciate how much you do for them when you stop doing it.

"What do you mean by saying that I'm not coping? I'm not the one hosting. If you cant manage it and you've cancelled then it is obviously you who isnt coping, which I find surprising because I manage to arrange and hist every christmas and every birthday in this family. I'm having a year off; what you do is up to you. Why not ask brother, since he has never done a thing for the family?"

Some brilliant suggestions for replies. I love the ‘sorry you are not coping either’ theme because it focuses back on them.

You’ve just uncovered a fundamental truth about how your family functions, something that deep-down you’ve known for a long time. I wonder if your efforts for the family has been your way of trying to redress this.

I think it’s time to step away and give yourself a free pass not to look after them for Christmas or for any other occasion and see if your mental health improves without the stress.

I’d also suggest you don’t talk about your mental health with them and if they ask tell them no. Not ‘I’m fine’ but ‘no, I’m not going to discuss this with you’.

There is no point in having a discussion about why you are always doing everything op. No point at all, and it will just cause arguments. They obviously see it as your 'job' to do it all, you have allowed this narrative to continue, by following their wishes for so long it is now expected by everyone.I imagine you have done it all in some vain hope of some crumbs of love, attention and praise from them.

They are using you.

Golden brother is not expected to lift a finger, as he does not need to prove himself to them. So why do you have to?

You need to withdraw op. You can attend their get togethers, but with minimum effort on your part. If they don't arrange them, then they don't happen. You sound so burnt out trying to please everyone all of the time.

Stop. Make self care your priority and let them get on with it.

This stuff is incredibly painful and changing your relationship with your family is never easy - they won’t want to lose you and the substantial contribution you make to keeping them happy, so please take care.

Wow, you guys are all so amazing. You are pointing out so many truths that I didn’t want to see. I feel like I’ve let them all down. But they DON’T CARE they let me down. To be fair, my brother doesn’t really give a shit if celebrations don’t happen. I think he was annoyed about Christmas as now they would have to entertain their child (both self-involved assholes).

And whoever said I was burnt out. I am. Very. Time to take a step back and look after myself and my family.

I still hate this guilt though. I just had to clarify a time with my mum on the phone as she has the children on Friday, and she was snippy with me.

A few people said I should use COVID as an excuse - I’m down under 😳

This year like no other seems the perfect opportunity to break such 'traditions' (yes you are traditionally the family slave), so stay home and enjoy time with those who love you not those who use you. I would warn you to prepare for the fact that your mother and brother will probably spend Christmas together as you won't host.

I had a thread 2 years back about groundhog Christmas and me doing everything (for 26 years). Last year I bit the bullet and said we were going out for Christmas Dinner. I said it would be lovely if they came too but we were going out. My mother's response was; oh no it's far too expensive, the food's all reheated, it's a hassle, it's a rip off etc etc, and they wouldn't come. Well guess what happened? They ended up going out for Christmas Dinner with my golden child brother, and had "a lovely time". Oh yes, it was all so lovely and special.

This year has been interesting, Covid aside, as I've taken a massive step back. Mother has been trying to reel me back in, which is amusing, and has just sent me a very generous cheque for Christmas, which our local dog rescue is now the beneficiary of. I feel like something has snapped inside, and my mother senses it too. I'm friendly and breezy towards her now, but arm's length is my way of handling them all now, and I'm so much happier - and you can be too.

"I’m just going to respond that yes, best to cancel this year"

I'd probably just leave it at that tbh.

What is all this other organising that you do though?

If it's for your own family-husband/kids, then that's up to you to do or not isn't it?

What is it that you think they should be organising for you/your family?

@KaptainKaveman

Can you link to that thread please billybagpuss?

Good luck OP. Your dm is awful to describe you as a 'proper nutter', that made me seethe.

Have you ever sent a group message/whatsapp etc asking 'why is it always me who is left to arrange birthdays/Christmas/anniversaries"? - and if so , what was their response?

I’ll see if I can find it, it was a while ago and I can’t remember too many specifics. I think it was money related where the dm set up accounts for her other dd’s Kids and not hers. It was a really skewed dynamic to start with. If the original op is reading I hope it’s still going well.

I organise everything @diddl. Birthdays for my sibling/partner, neice, parents, Nana, my own family, arrange a time, make cakes, Easter, Christmas, special celebrations like graduations.

I look after everything if they go away, look after pets, drive Nana to Dr appts, and just generally check in with everyone to make sure all is good.

I guess one day I would like one of them to make me a cake and sing happy birthday. I arrange my own. Last birthday I left it and no one did anything. Actually my parents gave me money. There were raging bushfires though, so I guess I just used the smokiness as an excuse.

Ah my parents are generous with money. Think I got $600 for the ‘nutter ’ comment. That’s their way of thinking we are ‘all good’.

I didn’t take it, by the way.

Do what you want. This Covid time has been horrendous for so many people in so many ways. If you are not gaining any benefit from time with your side of the family then do not see them ( now especially if it will be more difficult). I think in many ways few can hurt and disappoint us as much as parents.

"I organise everything @diddl. Birthdays for my sibling/partner, neice, parents, Nana, my own family, arrange a time, make cakes, Easter, Christmas, special celebrations like graduations."

Why?

"I guess one day I would like one of them to make me a cake and sing happy birthday."

Why would you think that your parents/brother should do that& not your OH?

@Glowbuggy

Ah my parents are generous with money. Think I got $600 for the ‘nutter ’ comment. That’s their way of thinking we are ‘all good’.

Wow that’s really weird.

They have got used to you being the family’s pa.

Do you know what Op,? I wouldn’t even bother giving your mother a long response to the claim that she can’t cope.
I would just say’ Thanks mum for letting me know. With the virus and everything, it’s probably best if we stay at home anyway’
One of your NY resolutions should be to stop doing so much for them. Believe me, you will feel so much better
Don’t discuss your brother’s laziness with your parents that will just give them an excuse to criticise you.

Don't say you have mental health problems. Some people don't respect that phrase and read it as weakness. A phrase like 'burnt out' works better in that scenario.

Step right back and if anyone mentions you organising something, reply 'it's a shame isn't it! I did it all those years but I'm burnt out now.'

YANBU to feel let down. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this and your parents and brother are being unfair.
Have a stock phrase and use it ad nauseam “it is a shame you couldn’t manage hosting for one year, but I suppose you’ll all appreciate it more now! Have a lovely Christmas”

Stop. Just stop.

You can host Christmases and family birthdays from now to eternity, you can even wipe their arses and sing them to sleep ever night and it's not going to get you what you want from them - equal love, respect and treatment. Not because you are unworthy, not because you are less than your golden child brother, but because they are not capable of giving it. This is THEIR dysfunction and lack of emotional maturity, not yours. You cannot change that no matter what you do.

All the martyrdom in the world is not going to change the narrative in their heads. Release yourself from false hope that you can change them. This is a burden you do not have to carry. Put it down. Get counselling if it will help with the FOG.

OP, just be prepared that the most likely outcome is that DM will host DB and his family but exclude you and yours. And then twist it to be what you wanted. ‘You said you weren’t doing Christmas this year’ etc

Stay strong & concentrate on your own little family. I’m not surprised you’re burnt out if you’re doing the organising for 2 other families as well as your own!

I very much agree with others that you need to keep your replies breezy, upbeat, but firm, with clear boundaries. Don’t get emotional, don’t plead with them to understand - they can’t, or won’t. Keep firm and do not get drawn in to any dramas.

Start planning your own lovely little stress-free Christmas.

@Shelby2010

OP, just be prepared that the most likely outcome is that DM will host DB and his family but exclude you and yours. And then twist it to be what you wanted. ‘You said you weren’t doing Christmas this year’ etc

Stay strong & concentrate on your own little family. I’m not surprised you’re burnt out if you’re doing the organising for 2 other families as well as your own!

I agree Just expect this to happen .

I have a lazy brother problem too, and I've got to the point now where I forever point out that he needs to have the same expectations the family have of me. I'm expected to do all the "womanly" things, will brother is a saint for skating by on the bare minimum.

My mum turned 60 this year and by grandad said "I hope you have something big planned for her". I said no I don't, have you asked brother? Things like that (I did actually have something planned but then COVID happened). And if my mum says things like "I hope you've made the house all Christmassy and got some lovely decorations to put up" I'll say "Yes, what about brother has he?". Mum once said about my brother whose a single dad, and sees his son EOW (after actively electing to reduce contact from every weekend because he "never had time to himself " ) "he's such a good dad you know he took little Johnny to a party today all by himself!". I said well I must be mother of the year then because I take mine to parties nearly every week!

They always tut and call me a raging feminist (like it's an insult ) but I do it anyway because I think they don't realise their sexist expectations of me and it doesn't hurt to call out a sexist now and then.