Argh! Christmas, my parents and my lazy brother

[Glowbuggy]

Help!

Back story. My brother is a high earner, very good at his job, completely lazy in every other aspect of his life, he’s ok at parenting - bare minimum. My parents think the sun shines out of his butt.

Me: work part time in a highly professional and stressful field. Always helps parents, organises all birthday gatherings, kids presents, sleepovers, make birthday cakes just generally ensures that we celebrate together.

This year: I admitted I had a mental health issue. Mother calls me a ‘proper nutter’ as a joke. Lots of patronising. Parents also have lots of praise for brother and how hard he works. Feel like it’s a kick in the teeth so this might be clouding the following:

Christmas, for the first time I said I wasn’t up for hosting. That I’m struggling, stressed and tired. Brother doesn’t offer, mum does. Ok, so I said I’d bring food, organise presents etc. brother doesn’t care. Now mum says it’s too much, cancelled it and the BOTH had a dig that it’s my fault because I’m not ‘coping’.

What’s my move here. I’m upset, but I’m also at the ‘f*ck them’ stage. I’m upset because for years I’ve been facilitating these get togethers, and one year I can’t, no one thinks ‘maybe we should make sure Glowbuggy’ has a nice day for a change.

Sorry I know this is petty but I’m sad.

Me: hey everyone it’s shitfaces birthday! Do you want to have lunch on Saturday.
Bro: yeah sounds good
Mum: yes, let’s do pizza
Me: ok, do you guys want to come round at 1
Mum: great, I’ll pay, can you make the cake.

So what would happen if the conversation went like this:

Me: hey everyone it’s shitfaces birthday! Should we do something on Saturday?
Bro: yeah sounds good
Mum: yes, let’s do pizza
Me: Great, what time do you want us to come round? Bro will enjoy your cake, too.

[quote Glowbuggy]@diddl I guess we are going to find out if it matters or not.[/quote]
Well I was thinking will it matter to you as you seem to be the one who wants it to happen/sees it as important.

I don't think it will matter to you brother if he needs to think/make an effort about it!

I mean most adults arrange/suggest it themselves if they want o do something on their birthday don't they?

If you can stop doing all those things for them, running round, facilitating their lives, making everything nice for them, and genuinely bring yourself to a point where your eyes have been opened and you don't care, then you might well find that the fact they do nothing at all for you hurts far less. I hope so.

Like I stated previously, it looks like you are the one who has made the rod for your own back. Just stop organising. You are clearly the one who wants these events if they would not happen but for you organising them.

I wouldn't even do that.

How about:

Me: Shitface, happy birthday! Have a great day.
Bro: thanks
Mum: aren't you organising anything, Scapegoat?
Me: Got to finish DC's project with them/do overtime/finish icing the cake. I might be able to make half an hour if you tell me what time you are meeting up.

Sorry to derail OP but does anyone fancy a Scapegoat thread? We could handhold while we each back off in turn from the golden ones over Christmas.

I'm not sure why your partner didn't sort your birthday out. And you do his bday. You both sort your children's. That's how it works, if someone asks you to make a cake, say sorry I'm snowed under and do you remember I said I was struggling.

But when mum offered to do Xmas you shouldn't have said you'd cook! Do they all bring food to yours? I bet not.

"Yes I'm not coping. I'm not coping with you being absolute twats."

OP, you’re not even giving them a chance to pick up the reigns and organise things for themselves.

You need to step back and mean it. Maybe that means there will be no get-together for your brother’s birthday this year.

Maybe even next year. But if he genuinely wants to see everyone on his birthday, and realises you really meant it when you said you weren’t going to be the dog’s body organiser, he might get the message and organise something himself.

If you just say you’re not going to do it, and then a couple of days later, when they haven’t stepped up, you swoop in and big fat do it all anyway, how is that ever going to change their behaviour?

@ThelmaNotLouise

Wallow in the 'fuck 'em' stage and have a lovely, quiet Christmas without them. And ignore the pass-agg comments from your 'D'M.

@ThelmaNotLouise is right. And think of this, @Glowbuggy - they have cut off their noses to spite their faces! You can, and will have a lovely day with your family, whilst they sulk.

Be prepared for your mum to step in for db... but not you

@TheWeightOfWords I’d be up for a Scapegoat thread.

Dropped of kids to parents this morning. No mention of Christmas, they did ask if they wanted them to take kids for haircuts.

It just riles me up. I just gave a quick no, and left. Got over it quicker than usual too. Detaching works!

*if I wanted them to

So did you stay strong or are you heading to Sainsbury's at 2am for last minute stuff ?😉

I don't think you need to reply to your Mums message OP . She's having a dig , I don't think you need to waste energy on a response . Focus on sorting out Christmas with your own family and try and put them to the back of your mind til the new year.
It also sounds like you need to do less, I.e. you shouldn't be taking food if you're not hosting and just generally step back abit from organising get togethers etc. And everyone should sort their own presents surely? Sorry haven't RTFT if you've already clarified this. They sound uncaring and like you can't please them , so I would stop trying so hard - not cut them out entirely but don't expend so much effort on them, it's not reciprocated or appreciated.

Hey OP,
I’ve been thinking about this thread for awhile. I hope you were able to hold firm, and not have Christmas pushed on you. I hope 2021 is the start of building a better dynamic in your family.

I think in your shoes I'd say I'd had a think about the situation and noted that for the last X years I have take the whole burden of family gatherings and that the one year I didn't, they didn't happen; and that on reflection I've decided to step back in future and only organise these things for my own family and parents and brother can do what they like.

mil used to organise all the family gatherings here. then she divorced fil. and then moved back to her home country. it was then my job apparently (according to fil). dh doesn't see it as my job but does think that it'd be nice if the family had more get togethers.

fil once said to me that it was sad that no one did anything for his 70th birthday. I pointed out that we took him out for dinner. but no. he wanted a huge party etc. I asked why he hadn't organised it himself, or why his girlfriend hadn't done it. apparently it isn't for them to do.and i'm much better at that stuff anyway. and its my fault he didnt spend his birthday with his friends who are important to him (more important apparently than dh and his grandkids....)