Argh! Christmas, my parents and my lazy brother

[Glowbuggy]

Help!

Back story. My brother is a high earner, very good at his job, completely lazy in every other aspect of his life, he’s ok at parenting - bare minimum. My parents think the sun shines out of his butt.

Me: work part time in a highly professional and stressful field. Always helps parents, organises all birthday gatherings, kids presents, sleepovers, make birthday cakes just generally ensures that we celebrate together.

This year: I admitted I had a mental health issue. Mother calls me a ‘proper nutter’ as a joke. Lots of patronising. Parents also have lots of praise for brother and how hard he works. Feel like it’s a kick in the teeth so this might be clouding the following:

Christmas, for the first time I said I wasn’t up for hosting. That I’m struggling, stressed and tired. Brother doesn’t offer, mum does. Ok, so I said I’d bring food, organise presents etc. brother doesn’t care. Now mum says it’s too much, cancelled it and the BOTH had a dig that it’s my fault because I’m not ‘coping’.

What’s my move here. I’m upset, but I’m also at the ‘f*ck them’ stage. I’m upset because for years I’ve been facilitating these get togethers, and one year I can’t, no one thinks ‘maybe we should make sure Glowbuggy’ has a nice day for a change.

Sorry I know this is petty but I’m sad.

I think this is part of a bigger issue about how your family is treating you...not simply about hosting Christmas.

It seems like your brother is the golden child and you are taken for granted.

Focus on yourself and your needs rather than trying to please ang get approval from relatives who don't appreciate you and focus on your own family. You will be much happier for it.

I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with them anyway. How dare they mock your mental illness, it isn’t the 1950s anymore ffs.

I'm sorry about your mum. Listen, just look after yourself and forget about them. Have a lovely quiet xmas day with your family. Let them sort themselves out. I would reply to her message, " okay, no problem".

totally agree with @Thingsdogetbetter. She's hit the nail on the head. You are being a doormat in the hope that they will love you.

It doesn't work like that. They will never appreciate you.

Step back. Concentrate on your own little family and save your energy for them. It's not normal to be the main organiser for a wider family anyway. Look after your own . Including yourself!

Parents also have lots of praise for brother and how hard he works. Feel like it’s a kick in the teeth
Could this be you being over-sensitive? Just because they praise your brother and his hard work doesn't mean they are putting you down. They may equally praise your talents to friends and neighbours without you knowing.

Christmas, for the first time I said I wasn’t up for hosting. That I’m struggling, stressed and tired. Brother doesn’t offer, mum does. Ok, so I said I’d bring food, organise presents etc.
If you are struggling, why would you offer to take food? Why not just offer to contribute financially instead (or, if they can afford it, let them stand the costs this year).
What do you mean by organise presents? Who for? Who from?

Now mum says it’s too much, cancelled it and the BOTH had a dig that it’s my fault because I’m not ‘coping’.
If, as you say, you have a mental health issue, then could you think they are having a dig when they aren't really. What did they actually say?

What's your move?
You have already told your family you aren't up to hosting so you have made your move.

I would just leave things as they are (now you've told them you can't do it) or just text that it's a shame that you can't all be together as usual and suggest it may be better to stick to your own households this year, especially with Covid around too.

Hopefully your family will appreciate what you do each year then. Just have a more relaxing time this year and concentrate on your health.

@Shelby2010

OP, just be prepared that the most likely outcome is that DM will host DB and his family but exclude you and yours. And then twist it to be what you wanted. ‘You said you weren’t doing Christmas this year’ etc

Stay strong & concentrate on your own little family. I’m not surprised you’re burnt out if you’re doing the organising for 2 other families as well as your own!

This is so true. I’d preempt it so they know they are fucking awful people by saying please do let me know if you change your mind and organise anything, I’d love to meet up for Christmas. In a text message /wagtsapp so it’s recorded and they can’t try ‘oh we thought you didn’t want to come’

@houseinthesnow

'Mother, I am very sorry to hear you are not coping this christmas, and have had to cancel. This year has been very hard for all of us. I hope you have a lovely christmas - see you next year when things are better'

After that go LC.

It is NEVER okay to call anyone with a MH condition a 'proper nutter' - absolutely not acceptable. Your family should be a source of comfort and support to you, and they fall well short of that.

Meet friends for outside drinks or do nothing at all, and put your feet up this year with the easiest christmas on record. Do nothing op!

It is not your job to provide entertainment for them, stop doing it all. From now on, put as much effort in as they do . Stop trying to please.

Look after yourself.
Look after your own family.

And relax. The pressure is now off. Golden boy is not your problem anymore either.

Happy christmas op!

This. All this.

Have a lovely Christmas, chill the fuck out with your own family and feel better soon. Spring is coming ! X

@Glowbuggy

Ah my parents are generous with money. Think I got $600 for the ‘nutter ’ comment. That’s their way of thinking we are ‘all good’.

So weird how many adult kids over-egg the pudding nowadays.

$600? For a word? I would know that word and amount, not just think it was that. Enjoy your xmas

@diddl my partner does those things. My beef is not with him.

And I do it because I love them. And maybe I want them to show a little bit of that back.

And that’s ok, you know, to love and do things for your family.

@Lampzade oh I’m expecting that to happen. Bracing myself for the disappointment.

@Thingsdogetbetter yes, I didn’t see myself as a martyr. But I can see it now.

@VodrangeLime I didn’t take the money. It happened a few days after as they offered to pay for something I was buying. I knew it was them feeling guilty and refused. I didn’t comment either.

They always try and buy me things when they’ve crossed a line. It’s gross and I hate it.

"And that’s ok, you know, to love and do things for your family."

Of course it is.

But that doesn't mean they have to "do it back".

Some of you are right, it’s not that I don’t think they love me, they do, well my Dad certainly does but he enables some of her shitty behaviour.

They do help me. Especially with my children, school pick-ups, let us have breaks away. That’s all fine, but it’s like they don’t see me. Don’t want to do anything special for me. I know it’s stupid, but it’s sad.

I don’t do things for them to get things in return. My thread is about this ONE time I couldn’t. And not one stepped up.

And all the comments about my partner. He’s working - part of the reason I was struggling to host.

@diddl I feel like you’re not really getting the point of my thread.

Of course they don’t have to. And it made me sad.

OP, why not just step back away from them all? You have your own family so make sure your DH and DC are your focus. Your parents and brother are clearly very selfish and, in your parents’ case, insensitive as well. You cannot change their behaviour only your reaction to it so have no expectations of them to step up. You are having a quiet Christmas by yourselves so enjoy it, without guilt. You could always make this your new tradition.

I organise everything @diddl. Birthdays for my sibling/partner, neice, parents, Nana, my own family, arrange a time, make cakes, Easter, Christmas, special celebrations like graduations.

What do you mean by organising birthdays? Party? Presents from others beside yourself?

I think you need to look at why these things all fall to you. You must take some responsibility for doing them. No-one can force you to do these things. It sounds like you may have made a rod for your own back.

Obviously most people would organise a party for their own partner/DH and both parents should jointly organise a party for their children. As for the rest:

Why do you organise birthdays for your sibling, their partner and your niece? Your sibling's partner should organise theirs and vice versa. They should organise their own child's.

Why do you organise birthdays for your parents? What is wrong with one parent arranging things for the other or you and your sibling jointly organising special anniversaries?

Shouldn't your parent(s) organise Nana's birthday celebration?

Why do you make the cakes? The nearest and dearest should either make the cake, organise this with a baker or even buy a cake from a supermarket.

I have a lovely friend who takes it upon herself to organise get-togethers (and everyone else) because she wants things to be a certain way. We just let her organise us because she seems to be in her element when doing so. Maybe your family think you enjoy doing the cake-making and organising, especially if you haven't previously protested. Have you previously asked why these things always fall to you or do you just take it upon yourself to do as they wouldn't otherwise happen?

Parents sometimes have a favourite and sometimes they don’t even bother to try and hide it. DH sister was obviously his Fathers favourite and my Mother adored my younger sister and didn’t care for her other five dc. I distanced myself from my Mother and had low contact no declaration but I moved a couple of hundred miles away. Another sister did the same. Three of them still couldn’t do enough for her they were all three attentive and helpful to the end. My brother cooked her dinner for a decade as she became disabled with veg from his large allotment and he was an amazing cook. She moved to a bungalow a couple of doors down from him. She was always welcome to go round or if tired they would deliver to her door.

When both our parents died they left their entire estates to the respective favourite children. Myself and the other sister who distanced somewhat were not surprised. The other three found it very hard to accept that she could have loved one child so much more, they had spent a lifetime pretending it wasn’t happening.

[quote Glowbuggy]@diddl I feel like you’re not really getting the point of my thread.

Of course they don’t have to. And it made me sad.[/quote]
Perhaps I'm not.

I get why you are upset about Christmas this year.

I don't get why you are organising everyone elses parties/celebrations/presents other than that you want to.

Your husband organises for you.

What is left for anyone else to do?

Of course some thanks or show of appreciation would be nice.

But then if it isn't, why carry on?

I’m not going to carry on. I did it because no one else ever did and so we’d spent time together and cousins saw each other. I’m getting it.

And often they’d ask for their favourite cake. I like baking. I can see now I should have set boundaries in place.

It's not your fault, Glowbuggy.

Not sure why everyone wants party organising details?

An example:

Brother birthday in a few days a no one has said anything.

Me: hey everyone it’s shitfaces birthday! Do you want to have lunch on Saturday.
Bro: yeah sounds good
Mum: yes, let’s do pizza
Me: ok, do you guys want to come round at 1
Mum: great, I’ll pay, can you make the cake.

And there’s a different version of that for all. I don’t do it for all birthdays. But if I didn’t we would have none.

Well from now on it can be,
'Hey shitface. It's your birthday next week. Have you got any plans?'
And see what happens.
Don't offer to do anything. If they ask, you are busy/tired/all out of ideas.

Thank you @Darker

@Darker yep. Probably a bit less than that. I’ll send a happy birthday text.

@Glowbuggy

Not sure why everyone wants party organising details?

An example:

Brother birthday in a few days a no one has said anything.

Me: hey everyone it’s shitfaces birthday! Do you want to have lunch on Saturday.
Bro: yeah sounds good
Mum: yes, let’s do pizza
Me: ok, do you guys want to come round at 1
Mum: great, I’ll pay, can you make the cake.

And there’s a different version of that for all. I don’t do it for all birthdays. But if I didn’t we would have none.

Well I suppose some of us find it odd that you are organising for other adults & their kids!

Does nothing happen for brother's kid unless you do it?

Re his birthday-you organise because you want a get together on his birthday.

Would it matter to him if there wasn't one?

Would it matter if there wasn't a get together for other adults birthdays?

@diddl I guess we are going to find out if it matters or not.