Argh! Christmas, my parents and my lazy brother

[Glowbuggy]

Help!

Back story. My brother is a high earner, very good at his job, completely lazy in every other aspect of his life, he’s ok at parenting - bare minimum. My parents think the sun shines out of his butt.

Me: work part time in a highly professional and stressful field. Always helps parents, organises all birthday gatherings, kids presents, sleepovers, make birthday cakes just generally ensures that we celebrate together.

This year: I admitted I had a mental health issue. Mother calls me a ‘proper nutter’ as a joke. Lots of patronising. Parents also have lots of praise for brother and how hard he works. Feel like it’s a kick in the teeth so this might be clouding the following:

Christmas, for the first time I said I wasn’t up for hosting. That I’m struggling, stressed and tired. Brother doesn’t offer, mum does. Ok, so I said I’d bring food, organise presents etc. brother doesn’t care. Now mum says it’s too much, cancelled it and the BOTH had a dig that it’s my fault because I’m not ‘coping’.

What’s my move here. I’m upset, but I’m also at the ‘f*ck them’ stage. I’m upset because for years I’ve been facilitating these get togethers, and one year I can’t, no one thinks ‘maybe we should make sure Glowbuggy’ has a nice day for a change.

Sorry I know this is petty but I’m sad.

You guys are all incredible. I feel so much better (I thought I’d be slammed for such a stupid issue when the world has bigger problems).

I’m just going to respond that yes, best to cancel this year - too much going on. And then take a step back and not organise events anymore. I think it will sting when no one does anything for my families birthdays etc. But I’ll get through it.

Someone said that if their daughter was struggling with life at the moment they’d be there like a shot. I feel like that too, and that’s why it hurts that they just get all defensive and make out that there is something wrong with me.

I would message brother and Mum, and say “I’ve done Xmas XX times. it’s brothers turn this year. After all, he’s so much more capable. Can’t he cope? Oh well, better cancel until he’s up to it”.

Once they’ve run themselves ragged, defending golden boy, and trying to force you to do it, tell them it’s time for new traditions. Starting with you having a lovely day at home with just your family. Then take a step back from them. Please don’t let them ruin Xmas for you.

And take very good care of yourself and feel better soon.

Wow, what a pair of arseholes.

Personally I wouldn't even dignify that message with a response, but what I will say is that even if you are feeling better next Christmas DO NOT host them. They can get to fuck. Spend your energy on people who actually appreciate you.

And tell her never ever ever to call you a fucking nutter again.

Perhaps also add to your message look forward to db hosting next year, to flag you arent going to do it next year either. (Or next decade)

@TheEchtMeaningofChristmas

And tell her never ever ever to call you a fucking nutter again.

THIS. You poor thing. If you are even ever so slightly a fucking nutter it’s no fucking surprise is it, with support like that?!

And then take a step back and not organise events anymore. I think it will sting when no one does anything for my families birthdays etc.. It may not sting, you may feel free and your children may feel a difference in you. Plough your energy into them and break the cycle - many don't manage to but I'm sure you will.

Calling you a nutter is really not funny, and I understand you feeling hurt.

As a pp said, don’t be a martyr anymore. Going forward, and including this Christmas, just concentrate on your own family events - don’t offer to host extended Christmases, don’t organize birthdays etc.

Hey @Glowbuggy I know how you feel (and I’m a lawyer too! Stressful as shit!)

I came to learn that whilst I wanted someone to see all the effort I was putting into Christmas and family gatherings and to give me thanks or appreciation, that it would never happen. It just wasn’t in my Mum to do that. So I had three choices - keeping doing it all and feel exhausted and under appreciated, not do it and feel like I’d let people down, or not do it and not care.

It’s hard not to care, as I am naturally a person who cares, and I do like the family events I arrange too, but I realised I was essentially the family servant or PA. But I did more than a PA ever would!

At first I tried to explain, but that didn’t work. All they saw was ME changing the dynamic, so I was difficult. There was no self reflection on their own behaviors.

Now I am just breezy. “Yes, it’s a shame you can’t host Mum, but oh well, onwards to 2021. DBro surely it must be time you hosted? Let us know the plans for a family dinner in 2021 when you get a chance.” @Shamoo also had an excellent breezy suggestion.

I would also say you need to nip the “proper nutter” stuff in the bag now, or it will carry on. Perhaps next time she says it as a joke, you laugh too and say (breezily) “it’s funny you keep saying that Mum. A friend overheard it the other day and was shocked. She pulled me aside and asked if you had said it before and if you were always abusive and belittling like that to me.” Because your mother probably cares what people think about her (but not so much of you) she won’t like this and it will probably stop. She’ll
Also probably tell you that ‘friend’ is a bad influence.

@Glowbuggy

It's such a familiar story on MN. The "golden" child (usually male).

As pp's have said, you can't control their behaviour but you can control yours.

Don't give them ammunition (as much as it's deserved). Just use these circumstances to create a new "normal".

You CAN stop organising everything.

You CAN prioritise your own life/feelings.

After all they do the latter and don't do the former and feel no guilt about it - so join "their" club.

Don't FFS be like my friend who spent a decade pandering to this crap only to find when the shit hit the fan (in short: mother diagnosed with dementia after DF -who was lovely - died, did all care for 6 years, cut out of inheritance by Dm in favour of brother who did FA because he'd apparently be "more aspirational" with the money than her - both siblings v clever only her career had been curtailed ironically by not moving to to look after the "D"M who shafted her....

Time to spend time doing some cutting
Cutting them out of your life, that is...

I am so sorry for you. Your db is obs the favorite and you get looked down on for having mh problems. You should be helped and supported not be mocked and blamed.

Yuuuck horrible people op. Spend christmas by yourself and spend the money for present for them: on your f-ing self 😊.

Wishing you a Christmas full of laughter. Because being happy by yourself is more important than to be surrounded by family that treats you like rubbish

Now mum says it’s too much, cancelled it and the BOTH had a dig that it’s my fault because I’m not ‘coping’.

What a load of passive/aggressive BS! Your mum is being a major b**ch. As is the rest of your blood family. This might be the perfect time to institute some new traditions for you, your spouse, and your children, something relaxed and joyous, without the carping and expections. I know how much this hurts. Been there, done that...only the names are changed. And as painful as it was at the time, it opened the door to the best Christmases of my life! No more opening gifts in a rush, then heading out to someone else's house to work like a dog all day, or having a horde of people marching though mine! Breakfast at 10 AM, in jammies and robes! My family flourished under the new traditions!

@Glowbuggy

You guys are all incredible. I feel so much better (I thought I’d be slammed for such a stupid issue when the world has bigger problems).

I’m just going to respond that yes, best to cancel this year - too much going on. And then take a step back and not organise events anymore. I think it will sting when no one does anything for my families birthdays etc. But I’ll get through it.

Someone said that if their daughter was struggling with life at the moment they’d be there like a shot. I feel like that too, and that’s why it hurts that they just get all defensive and make out that there is something wrong with me.

It's also not your responsibility to have to organise everything!

I think this is a great approach not rising to the digs and you can enjoy a relaxing Christmas at home.

you might find that actually not having to run around after them all etc may make you feel more relaxed. There is more than 1 in a family maybe they will realise just how much you have done over the years once it's not being done anymore!

I’m upset because for years I’ve been facilitating these get togethers, and one year I can’t, no one thinks ‘maybe we should make sure Glowbuggy’ has a nice day for a change.

I think tell them this - be honest, address the problem directly. And stick to it. You’ve every right to feel unsupported because that’s what’s happening. You have to change your behaviour too...stop organising stuff for them and giving them an easy time of it.

@Todayisgood2

Oh this rings true for me! My brother works harder, is more important in his job and is definitely under more stress and risk of covid than me- apparently. So whenever I make a comment my mum is there to remind me of any or all of these facts.... I give up.

Personally I would message brother and parents to say its brothers turn to do Christmas or is he struggling to cope? Proper nutter! Offer to support if he us clearly struggling. That would get a response in my family as my brother couldn't possibly struggle!

Why would she offer support for her brother to do it if he couldn't cope when he offers her fuck all every other year? Why not kick her too while she's feeling so low?

OP I really feel for you. I had the same sort of situation a few years ago and was blamed for ruining the whole familys Christmas. I told them (totally alien to my character) if they weren't kind enough to do it for me for one Christmas they clearly did not love or respect me enough for me to want to do it for them, every year.

Best move I ever made because now I have lovely relaxing Christmas Days with my husband and children

Please don't let this make you upset - IT'S Liberating

They really are trying to put you back in your box. You’re not coping as a one off. Your brother hasn’t coped with hosting ever and your mother for a decade or however long you’ve been coping (ie doing it all). Not working full time and doing everything else is literally lining your brother’s pockets. Time to prioritise your little family.

Well, they’re clearly unable to cope either, so why not point this out to them?

I’m sure you won’t.

Your mother is guilt-tripping you big time, and you’re letting her.

Stop.

'So it seems you and (brother's name) have cancelled Christmas because YOU CAN'T COPE WITHOUT ME. It seems a tad dramatic but it is your choice, you are all adults. Rest assured, I am coping and will be enjoying my family Christmas.
In the spirit of the season we will raise a glass to you all. Merry Christmas and we will catch up in the New Year,'

They are the ones not coping OP. Don't hesitate to remind them of this. They have no right to put a guilt trip on you for cancelling the Christmas they can't be bothered to organise. Let them stew in their own juice, let them see how much work you put in.

This is your opportunity to change things going forward. I do think you need to stop looking for validation from your parents. Waiting for them to treat as an equal to the golden child is a one way street to disappointment.

Do you honestly want to spend Christmas with them? It doesn’t sound like they are much fun.
If the answer is no, then you’ve achieved your aim- you’ve won! Don’t fall into the trap of feeling guilty, that’s what they want. Just celebrate your success in getting the lovely quiet Christmas with your family that you wanted.

What a shame they couldn’t step up and support you through a difficult time. If you do decide to take a step back from future family celebrations I bet they will not happen. You are the kingpin holding it all together.

Have a lovely Christmas with your family.

Handhold OP, I totally get how you feel, it’s the reverse with my in-laws, my DH’s sister is the apple of their eye. DH does a lot of help, but whatever he does will never be good enough. It really does hurt. But unfortunately it won’t change. It makes me really sad sometimes, when he tries, and I am thinking why do you bother?

I would say enjoy Christmas with your own little family.

I am sorry you have struggled with MH issues and not surprising given the stressful job/family life & being a difficult year for everyone generally. Of course your mum should be supportive, I hope you are having some help with this.

My mum’s criticism of me was off the scale, she tried to ruin my confidence completely I would never get a job, never learn to drive, I was far too old when I told her I was pregnant at 28! I did get a job, did learn to drive, had a perfectly healthy gorgeous baby boy. Honestly I could go on & on, this has resulted in NC for many years, no regrets, my mum was completely toxic sadly.

Very best wishes for the future.

OP, what a relief! You don't have to go anywhere on Christmas, tolerate stupid jokes, open favoritism of your brother, organise presents, schedule anything.. You will get to wake up in your own home, have bucks fizz/hot chocolate in your pyjamas and just relax..
Maybe it is good thing they are upset with you, they might just back off

I agree with a pp in that by offering food, organising presents you were micromanaging xmas anyway just ar another location. You need to take a big step back and let your family reach out to you. If they do, great. If not, then you know who you can rely on. It is sad when parents and siblings make little effort but you have your own family and that is a boon. Focus all your energies on your own happiness and that of your little family. Wishing you a Happy Christmas.

OP I'm glad you're using this opportunity to step back. In contrast in my family me and my DSis have had a rough year, financially and with our mental health. My mum said months ago that if it was allowed she would be doing Christmas so that we could just turn up and enjoy it.

@Glowbuggy

I do have my own family. And I will be spending it with them. I just feel let down, particularly my parents. And I don’t know how to respond to the pathetic ‘we’ve cancelled Christmas because you’re obviously not coping with it’ message.

Quite happy to get free legal advice off me last week though. But I still don’t work as hard as my brother 🙄

I’d be tempted to message her back telling her she’s a selfish cow and she can fuck off to be honest. Ok, maybe that’s a bit OTT but I’d certainly be telling her how I feel.

My mum used to do all the negative comments about me, my weight, clothes, hair, jobs, etc. All my bloody life. It’s hard to explain how much it chips away at your confidence, how constantly defensive it makes you. I went NC with my mum, mainly for another much higher reason. But it was only when I went NC and stopped receiving all these tiny little, constant insults that I realised how much it had been grinding me down.