Argh! Christmas, my parents and my lazy brother

[Glowbuggy]

Help!

Back story. My brother is a high earner, very good at his job, completely lazy in every other aspect of his life, he’s ok at parenting - bare minimum. My parents think the sun shines out of his butt.

Me: work part time in a highly professional and stressful field. Always helps parents, organises all birthday gatherings, kids presents, sleepovers, make birthday cakes just generally ensures that we celebrate together.

This year: I admitted I had a mental health issue. Mother calls me a ‘proper nutter’ as a joke. Lots of patronising. Parents also have lots of praise for brother and how hard he works. Feel like it’s a kick in the teeth so this might be clouding the following:

Christmas, for the first time I said I wasn’t up for hosting. That I’m struggling, stressed and tired. Brother doesn’t offer, mum does. Ok, so I said I’d bring food, organise presents etc. brother doesn’t care. Now mum says it’s too much, cancelled it and the BOTH had a dig that it’s my fault because I’m not ‘coping’.

What’s my move here. I’m upset, but I’m also at the ‘f*ck them’ stage. I’m upset because for years I’ve been facilitating these get togethers, and one year I can’t, no one thinks ‘maybe we should make sure Glowbuggy’ has a nice day for a change.

Sorry I know this is petty but I’m sad.

It's rather a lovely gift from them in a way. It shows you they won't return the favour. Therefore you are released from all such responsibilities from this point on...... Time to start easing your head into a place where you can enjoy your new found freedom.

FWIW many many years ago my father told me that [all this kind of shit] was the reason he was so glad he'd had a girl (three brothers). A little off switch flipped in my head at that point.......

You find out who really cares for you (or not) in times of crisis or difficulty, sad you have had to find out this way.

So sorry to read this @Glowbuggy 🌷🌷🌷

My DH was in a situation like this, with his sister being the golden child. It’s horrible! My advice is to pour your energy and emotions into your own family and friends and distance yourself from your toxic family.

You won’t change them, you can only change your own behaviour.

When my mum died, I was the one that was left to organise family events etc but I had some brief counselling and the counsellor told me to stop facilitating it. I did and just sit back now. It means that we don't get together that often as a family now but at least I don't get stressed by it all.
Your family should be supporting you, not blaming you! Step back

'Sounds like none of the three of us is able to 'cope' with hosting this year. Glad to know I'm not the only one who finds hosting too much!'

Any more digs about you not coping, ask what has stopped them coping individually with hosting Christmas for so long.

Well, it is a win-wi situation. They get to be with golden child as normal. You get a much more relaxing Christmas. As MaryLeeonhigh (good name!) has it - what has stopped them coping before now????

It’s always hard when people expect the world from you but aren’t willing to give you any support
At least you know now and you can use that information moving forward. Focus on your own family and plan a lovely day doing the things you like. Pleasing yourself is really liberating, enjoy it!!

'Mother, I am very sorry to hear you are not coping this christmas, and have had to cancel. This year has been very hard for all of us. I hope you have a lovely christmas - see you next year when things are better'

After that go LC.

It is NEVER okay to call anyone with a MH condition a 'proper nutter' - absolutely not acceptable. Your family should be a source of comfort and support to you, and they fall well short of that.

Meet friends for outside drinks or do nothing at all, and put your feet up this year with the easiest christmas on record. Do nothing op!

It is not your job to provide entertainment for them, stop doing it all. From now on, put as much effort in as they do . Stop trying to please.

Look after yourself.
Look after your own family.

And relax. The pressure is now off. Golden boy is not your problem anymore either.

Happy christmas op!

Don’t let them get in your head, he’ll you’ve “coped” with everything for them for years, so them cancelling this year as it’s too much means they haven’t got a leg to stand on saying YOU can’t cope. It’s actually amusing as they can’t cope with a single bloody Christmas dinner!

Fuck em enjoy your family this year x

Of course they blame you. You've been their emotional punch bag for years. You'll probably never know why. They probably don't know why.

Now is the time for you to grow.

What they think about you does not define you

Live your life for you and for your partner/children.

Stop doing stuff for them - in a kind way 'I'm so sorry mum, I don't have any time to help this month' and start concentrating on you

These people are not god. They are flawed individuals (as we all are) who you have raised up to an unnecessary level.

I can’t believe 2% voted YABU 🙄

OP, just carry on with your “fuck them” stage until they come to their senses (doubt they will, but here is hoping 🤞).

Wallow in the 'fuck 'em' stage and have a lovely, quiet Christmas without them. And ignore the pass-agg comments from your 'D'M.

Gosh that's hard, and cruel.

I don't think you need to do more than challange the "nutter' comments. The rest, just disengage with it and don't make excuses. Excuses lead to criticism that is dressed up as 'discussion'. There is no need for this, just close it down and move on. Good luck, you have earned a lovely relaxing Christmas.

I think I'd just reply with 'works for me. Hope you guys have a great Christmas!' and then just ignore any attempts to draw you back into any discussion about it (which I reckon they will...). The 'we're cancelling Christmas' message is a pathetic attempt to make you feel bad. Christmas isn't cancelled at all, just the version of it where Glowbuggy runs round doing all the work. They're adults, they can celebrate 'their' Christmas however they like without any input from you.

Ignore the inevitable guilt trip (and believe me you have NOTHING to be guilty about).
Block their numbers on your phone if you need to, you need a break from them all, it doesn't sound like they are any help to you at all, especially if you are currently struggling with your MH. Surround yourself with radiators not drains, people who warm you up, not people who suck the life out of you. You don't need these people, it's really disappointing when it's your own family, but it sounds like they are just not very nice, if they were friends you'd have dropped them long ago!

I feel like you're probably going to have the nicest most chilled Christmas you've ever had with just your immediate family. Make sure you get loads of treats you like, lots of downtime and get your partner / husband / wife / children to take on their share of the prep and cooking etc. It'll be lovely OP, it really will.

I wish you a very calm and peaceful Christmas

Agree with everyone else, don't be a martyr, this is the ideal year to step back and reevaluate your life. And why is your mother so incapable of hosting - does she have health issues? I am holder than her and manage to host - my own mother (86) hosted last year and really wanted to do it again this year .

You have nothing to feel guilty for. Your dm on the other hand should be ashamed of her behaviour.

I would re-direct all of the effort you put in with these people towards your own little family. Have a lovely relaxing Christmas op.

Hosting my easy going, grateful family is a joy. Everyone chips in. You will never please these people, please stop trying.

Similar situation with my family, luckily I have the excuse of covid this year so decided I would stay at home with my dc. My brother has caused so many issues but the sun still shines out of his ass, he’s going to my mums for Christmas. I would rather stay home and be me without having to be nice to everyone and watch my mum fuss over my brother.

I think it will sting when no one does anything for my families birthdays etc. But I’ll get through it.

If you want to organise a family party for your own or DC birthday, then you do. And you can still invite your parents. However you do not need to arrange celebrations for DM, DB etc That is not your job, they can buy or make their own birthday cake.

Consider yourself as Dobby and they’ve handed you a sock. You’re free!

“it seems you and (brother's name) have cancelled Christmas because YOU CAN'T COPE WITHOUT ME. It seems a tad dramatic but it is your choice, you are all adults. Rest assured, I am coping and will be enjoying my family Christmas.
In the spirit of the season we will raise a glass to you all. Merry Christmas and we will catch up in the New Year,”

Absolutely! Who is not coping here? Them! You’re doing absolutely bloody everything! You are Queen Coping of the planet Bring It On and you’ve done it all with mental health challenges through this year!

How embarrassing for them that they are so feeble.

It will be interesting how this plays out, I’d take your pick of all the excellent responses but I somehow doubt it will remain cancelled.

In real life the excellent mn responses aren’t always appropriate when you have to continue to have a relationship with these people so whatever you decide stick to your guns and do not offer to host.

There was an excellent thread on here a while back where the op had similar issues and one day everything just came out like an avalanche and totally changed the dynamic.

Like others said, if one of my children said this I would be round there. I would clean the house, get the laundry organised and take the kids out for a runaround. I would stroke their hair and say, don't worry, let me take care of it. I would make sure that they rested and healed.

I am sorry that there is no one to do that for you - there isn't for me either.

Step back, organise your own little family Christmas and ignore their complaints that you are not looking after them. It's not your role and not your responsibility to take on everything for all of them. I'm sure you will have a lovely Christmas without them!

Anybody, let alone a parent. who mocks MH problems doesn't sound like a very nice person.
Your brother sounds like a lazy man who can turn on the charm when it suits.

Your kids will probably be very glad of a Christmas where they can hang out at their own house and play with their presents, without having to listen to their grandmother's barbed comments about their and your appearance. Remember that if you find yourself feeling guilty at all about not hosting Christmas - which you totally shouldn't have to feel guilty about, but I know what it's like.