Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WEIRD text message

179 replies

guacamole7 · 15/12/2020 22:58

I hate to but i've NC'd due to this being so obvious as I'm including an exact text.

SO:

On Saturday night around 9pm DH's work colleague (younger, female) sent him a whatsapp saying "I bet you get bored having sex ;)"
Conveniently (or not) I was actually on his phone at the time as me and DD were playing a game on the phone (DD is 4 and didn't read this FYI).

I obviously immediately asked DH wtf this was, and he claimed to have no idea. There was no previous message thread with them so nothing incriminating. I stupidly messaged her myself to ask what this was, which she replied about an hour later to say that she was really sorry and she and her friends were drunk and she hadn't meant to send the text. She followed this up the next morning with another message saying she was sorry and really embarrassed about it and it meant nothing.

The whole time, DH has claimed to be absolutely clueless about why she would send this and also said she must be drunk and she has a bit of a reputation for going out and drinking etc.

Anyway, cut to now and for whatever reason I just feel very paranoid about this and feel unable to accept this means nothing. I don't know why but I just feel it is so bizarre for her to send him with absolutely no context. I have actually asked friends I have made from DH's work what they are like together at work. Nothing incriminating has come out of it apart from that they are friends but nothing more. I personally feel that DH has acted slightly shifty about it but nothing I could put my finger on, more just gets annoyed at me for keep bringing it up and asks what I want him to do about it.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
ThirstyGhost · 16/12/2020 21:02

It very much strikes me as the sort of text an immature drunk person sends. I'd know because I used to be an immature drunk person (later a fully fledged alcoholic). There's something about the text that just made me instantly think, "yep, she's drunk texting". It's the randomness and the way it's not connected to anything before.

I'd bet that she's far too young to know that song - it's absolutely ancient now.

I wouldn't think you have anything to worry about. The worst case scenario IMO would be that she has a crush on him. I suspect she'll be genuinely mortified about what she did.

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2020 22:24

Clearly he shouldn’t report it to hr or give her a mouthful in front of colleagues, these are ludicrous suggestions. She did something stupid when drunk. No one knows what was behind it.

Him doing either of these things will make him look like a proper drama llama. If a male colleague did this to me, and apologised, I’d let it go. If my husband asked me to go to hr or abuse him publicly I’d think he’d lost his marbles and tell him to do one.

Look op, she’s apologised, you need to let it go now.

hf2345 · 16/12/2020 22:33

You need to get on his phone and check his normal texts or apps I wouldn’t be happy otherwise.

yelyah22 · 16/12/2020 22:34

I dunno, it sounds like she's got an inappropriate crush and her and her friends were being idiots. Just tell your DH to steer clear of her!

guacamole7 · 16/12/2020 22:38

@ScalpHelp this made me laugh. I guess our sex is boring compared to how it was when we were much younger... we now have 2 kids under 10! But I would be very surprised if DH was saying it was boring! Lets just say he certainly has not made any complaints.
But yes it did hit a nerve, of course! An attractive female much younger than us text my husband to say she bets he gets bored having sex - as if to suggest it would be better with her(!!!) - sorry if that doesn't seem like something that would hit a nerve with you but I guess I have increasing insecurities while I'm getting older!!

But as most people have said, I do think I need to leave this now. DH knows it upset me and I feel I have made it clear he needs to be very clear with his boundaries with her at work that he didn't appreciate the message!

I think suddenly insisting he reported it to HR is beyond the pale and to be honest I don't even want the agg of it!
Hopefully she feels embarrassed enough about her unacceptable behaviour and there won't be any repeat behaviour!

OP posts:
Timeforredwine · 16/12/2020 22:48

Dont watsapp have disappearing messages now though!?

Timeforredwine · 16/12/2020 23:04

Hence no thread, sounds innocent to me. But he should make clear unhappy about it.

FlyingByTheSeatof · 16/12/2020 23:11

@Timeforredwine

Dont watsapp have disappearing messages now though!?
Omg no that's snapchat ffs HmmGrin

This just goes to show how disconnected so many of you are from young working people being silly in a pub after work or just anyone having a laugh with a group if friends.
I've been there how can so many of you not get it's just a stupid text to what the young female work colleague probably think is a really unsexy old man anyway with the others egging her on pissing themselves laughing at the fact there was even a reply.
The worst part is you replied to drunken nonsense thinking she fancies your husband.

Get a grip

CarolinaWeeper · 16/12/2020 23:19

A pp mentioned something about the message that comes up when someone first contacts you on whatsapp that says "messages are end to end encrypted blah blah" in a yellow bubble. I just checked my thread with a work colleague and I did get that message at the start when he first messaged me directly on whatsapp, despite messages being received from him as part of a work WhatsApp group prior to that. So I'd say it should be easy to see whether that message was there at the start in which case it was her first contact with him directly on whatsapp, otherwise it would appear he'd deleted the messages.

Timeforredwine · 17/12/2020 00:10

What I meant was the new watsapp thing of messages deleting after 7 days?

Ciaobaby92 · 17/12/2020 03:08

I do understand you not wanting him to go to HR. If it were me personally, and a co-worker sent me that text, I would let them know one way or another to never talk to me that way again. I do not want to discuss my sex life with work colleagues. I do not want to receive messages of a sexual nature. Like any other person I wish to be treated with dignity and respect.

There have been times in the past I have not spoken up soon enough and now know to have a no tolerance policy towards these types of things. I do understand you don't want to rock the boat for him at work. Hopefully the young lady understands not to do it again.

dontgobaconmyheart · 17/12/2020 03:20

flyingby - eh? WhatsApp literally does have an unwanted option. You can delete after sending it for just yourself or for both parties. You have a set amount to do this after a message or photo has been sent. Do try to keep up, you wouldn't want to be our of touch!

I also wouldn't have thought that was mature fun with friends at any age in the pub or anywhere, and am not elderly. Anyone sending texts like that to colleagues for lols is the one who needs to get a grip on reality and grasp the concept of HR and keeping their job.

OP nobody here can say for sure, I wouldn't ike it. It clearly was intended for him, I can't even comprehend sending something like that to someone there wasn't a backstory or private joke to, can you? I don't think the lack of a prior message thread means he doesn't chat to her so much as he routinely deletes it. Perhaps he asks her not to text in the evenings as a rule but she forgot after a few drinks. It is weird and it doesn't really check out. Is there a reason he has her number and she his? Is this usual doe other colleagues etc.

Lucy830 · 17/12/2020 03:32

It sounds like a young, immature woman who more than likely was intoxicated was propersitionig your husband and trying to be all mysterious and alluring with it.

I wouldn’t worry. I believe she is probably mortified when the reality of the situation wasn’t that of an immediate and passionate

Lucy830 · 17/12/2020 03:34

Well that wasn’t meant to send!

-policies for typos, I am typing one handed whilst doing night feed.

I can spell, honest.😳

Dervel · 17/12/2020 04:29

I think it just needs an honest, and judgement free convo with your husband. Don’t ask me why, but there does appear to be a subset of younger, attractive women who seem to gravitate towards older men.

It can be a bit weird especially if you aren’t expecting it. It’s happened to me a few times, but he’d be an absolute fool to risk a happy marriage to the mother of his children, over something so superficial.

What I think might be worth examining is there can be subtle shifts in the balance of a relationship that comes with age. As just speaking from experience as a man there seem to be a lot more opportunities for hooking up as you become older and more successful in life than perhaps you may have enjoyed when you were younger.

That said not every man is especially interested in hook-up culture (at any age, I never have been). The fact he leaves his phone open to you is potentially evidence of that in his case, but if I was your husband I’d much prefer to address any concerns you may have head on and look for ways to ameliorate them, and to put your mind at rest.

Hope it all works out in your favour OP.

Porseb · 17/12/2020 05:35

I'd report it to HR and she can explain herself then. It's an inappropriate message to send professionally and all staff will probably get a reminder about sending appropriate work-related messages.

If the same text was sent by a male work colleague to a married female colleague, I'd still encourage getting HR involved, not to sack the person but so HR can intervene and remind staff about appropriate mobile phone etiquette.

Heyahun · 17/12/2020 05:42

Oh gawd all the people obsessed with reporting to Hr - fucking hell!

It was totally a drunken text - they probably text loads if people!

Your turning in into a huge deal tbh just leave it now and move on - he shouldn’t report to hr - the poor girl sounds like she made a mistake!

I’ve had texts in the past from lads I used work with - they were on a night out and I got a weird text or 2 from one of the guys - turns out the other lads took his phone and sent it - he did have a crush on me it turned out - but that was the first I knew about it and same thing he send a message next day apologies - drunk, friends took his phone etc

I think this happens a lot tbh!

SaskiaRembrandt · 17/12/2020 05:45

Don’t ask me why, but there does appear to be a subset of younger, attractive women who seem to gravitate towards older men.

Ha ha ha - no. I know that older men like to believe this is the case, and that Hollywood and porn encourage them in their delusions, but no.

Porseb · 17/12/2020 05:50

What you do while drunk in your non-work time is no one else's business but when you start texting inappropriate messages to a colleague, it becomes a work issue. Reporting it to HR means the person is taken aside and reminded about professional behaviour and relationships.

Whatwouldscullydo · 17/12/2020 07:00

Ha ha ha - no. I know that older men like to believe this is the case, and that Hollywood and porn encourage them in their delusions, but no

Ha I used to work in a pub. God some of these men had tickets on themselves. I'm tok old for it all now but believe me when they were practicing their picknup lines, or moaning their wives weren't sleeping with them and playing the victim, we really really didn't want them i can assure you . We might have laughed or said", thanks when they made what they feel was a compliment about our breasts or arses but that's cos on 4.50 an hour we needed the tip money to go out after.

Rest assured your men were safe Wink

berryfull · 17/12/2020 07:05

It’s probably fine OP, but just to be certain, years of reading the relationship board on here and living/learning from others teaches that affairs do happen in otherwise good marriages, because the normal stresses m/drudgery of midlife can leave people vulnerable to the respite of feeling the good addictive feelings that being fancied/fancying someone can bring. Sounds like you and your husband have good communication, so it’s important to talk about this and future proof yourselves.

Not to worry you but the below worst case scenario is classic territory for the beginning of “the script”

Search for it on the relationship board www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2558126-The-Cheating-Mans-Script

Worse case scenario. The girl has a crush on your husband and is drunkenly texting him song lyrics.

Husband is unaware up till this point.

Now husband is aware and despite being a decent guy in a good marriage, is flattered that a young girl could fancy him. Thinks about it despite himself.

Despite relationship being fine, only normal midlife stressors in your husbands life ( normal work/life stress, worries about money, worries about ageing , worries about Brexit/corona) the thoughts about the idea of being fancied start to become a respite from this stress. Almost imperceptibly at first.

Then something changes in the way he interacts with this girl. He starts to see her differently.

A flirtation / emotional affair starts to develop, almost just in your husbands head at first. The feelings though that this gives makes him feel good and provides respite from life stress.

But it’s confusing too, as the feelings also make him feel guilty. Usually this makes someone stop. But sometimes...

And here’s the mind trick that people caught up in this sequence of events play in themselves almost accidentally (and when it gets dangerous) .... the guilt for having and enjoying these feelings develops, and instead of seeing it clearly and realising that it’s a response to shared normal stress in life , the person starts to blame their partner for the stress and the need to escape into emotions.

this point is where things get dangerous and an affair develops, justified in the adulterers head in that the marriage spouse was to blames for their behaviour.

That’s why for alit of people being cheated on it feels it comes out of nowhere and they feel gaslit, because the marriage genuinely was ok (albeit subject to normal life stress)

And why a lot of alduteres utterly fuck up their lives/marriages/families and are left feeling bewildered and almost having to double down on the new relationship, because they genuinely have to perform this mind trick on themselves to justify the falling of cards that happens once the situation starts to unfold.

It’s horrible to see it happen to people.

Best way to protect yourselves is to be aware of the scenario. Talk about it openly. Know that this happens and acknowledge vulnerabilities and stress.

All the best OP x

Best way to keep your marriage safe is to not ignore stress, to always talk about it either if you can’t solve it, to acknowledge and communicate clearly. And to be aware if this process and how it can happen.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/12/2020 07:41

This just goes to show how disconnected so many of you are from young working people being silly in a pub after work or just anyone having a laugh with a group if friends. More precisely it illustrates the gulf between silly late teen to mid twenty somethings and fully formed adults!

The former think they are grown up, but have a way to go before they actuially achieve maturity. We all go through it and the schism never lessens, you just see it from the other side, eventually!!

The point is that a young woman has put an older make in a difficualt position. He cannot know what her intentions are and has to prpetect himself from possible ramifications at home and at work.

It's no good saying "Oh, she was just drunk and being silly with friends" becasue every now and then she turns out to be an angry young woman who is playing a dangerous game as she perceives herself to have been slighted. Having seen a colleague destroyed by similar silly games I would always advise the person on the receiving end, male ro female, to get HR into the loop, even if they do nothing initially!

And that's before you consider the possibility that there is more to this. In which case everything @berryfull said!

CakeRequired · 17/12/2020 07:52

Op you wouldn't have done something that stupid, nor would I, but sadly some women just are that stupid. She was probably drunk with her friends, fancies your husband and thought she was good looking enough to have swayed him from you already without even trying. I'd have loved to have seen her face when she got a reply from you. She's a moron and will probably quit the job soon because she'll be so embarrassed. Hopefully though it makes her wise up to the fact not every man will be interested in her.

berryfull · 17/12/2020 08:05

Just to reiterate OP, not trying to scare you or make you paranoid, don’t make it into a self fulfilling prophecy. Just sometimes a measure of awareness of the dangers of a situation can be enough to stop the danger.

It’s heartbreaking and incredibly difficult to analyse divorces and family break ups after the event, but they usually aren’t because one of the people are evil bitches or bastards and intent on cheating. It’s usually because marriage, parenthood, midlife , ageing is stressful and people are vulnerable and sometimes make mistakes. The trauma from these mistakes can resonate through generations. So sad.

I think mental health/ relationship counselling should be a compulsory topic of education .

MummytoCSJH · 17/12/2020 08:23

@myhobbyisouting is there any need to be a dick? I said it was completely possible but that I think it's unlikely. I think you know that what I meant is that I don't think younger people (which the texter is, which I am compared to a lot of posters on MN), even if they heard it on the radio, would necessarily know the lyrics well enough to send them to someone. Unless for some reason she's a massive fan of that artist. She might not even know the song, but it was a while before someone even picked it up on here so it's not exactly the number 1 song in the charts right now that everyone knows is it?

Swipe left for the next trending thread