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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WEIRD text message

179 replies

guacamole7 · 15/12/2020 22:58

I hate to but i've NC'd due to this being so obvious as I'm including an exact text.

SO:

On Saturday night around 9pm DH's work colleague (younger, female) sent him a whatsapp saying "I bet you get bored having sex ;)"
Conveniently (or not) I was actually on his phone at the time as me and DD were playing a game on the phone (DD is 4 and didn't read this FYI).

I obviously immediately asked DH wtf this was, and he claimed to have no idea. There was no previous message thread with them so nothing incriminating. I stupidly messaged her myself to ask what this was, which she replied about an hour later to say that she was really sorry and she and her friends were drunk and she hadn't meant to send the text. She followed this up the next morning with another message saying she was sorry and really embarrassed about it and it meant nothing.

The whole time, DH has claimed to be absolutely clueless about why she would send this and also said she must be drunk and she has a bit of a reputation for going out and drinking etc.

Anyway, cut to now and for whatever reason I just feel very paranoid about this and feel unable to accept this means nothing. I don't know why but I just feel it is so bizarre for her to send him with absolutely no context. I have actually asked friends I have made from DH's work what they are like together at work. Nothing incriminating has come out of it apart from that they are friends but nothing more. I personally feel that DH has acted slightly shifty about it but nothing I could put my finger on, more just gets annoyed at me for keep bringing it up and asks what I want him to do about it.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
MizMoonshine · 16/12/2020 09:35

Just saying:
I discovered an affair when DP was letting me use his phone.
I had no reason to suspect anything from him until the text came through that made me feel uneasy.

Men will hand over their phone when cheating if they're confident they won't get caught.

Bigbird007 · 16/12/2020 09:41

OP, for what it's worth, here is my two pennies worth. Communication is key. I would tell DH how you feel (without blame) and ask him how he is feelsling in the situation. I would ask him to put some boundaries in place whether that be explicitly telling her "Thankyou but I am not interested" or blocking her etc. If he is happy to do so then that's perfect. If he dosnt do anything, then I feel he is giving you all the information you need. I wish you the best. Keep us updated. All the best

BameChange123 · 16/12/2020 10:09

The message sounds rather stalker-ish if it was truly unsolicited. Isn't there a way of replying where you can also copy yourself in to any subsequent convos (if any)?
I do.think a reply of "I think this was intended for someone else" but probably a bit too late for that now....

ScalpHelp · 16/12/2020 10:11

The lack of message history is weird for me, if it was a drunk mistake I would expect boring, mundane texts prior to that. Otherwise it looks like there was further texts that were deleted before he handed his phone over

Temporary1234 · 16/12/2020 10:15

If this was a man sending this to a married lady and then stating it’s a drunken text, then he would be judged as harassing her.

Just saying.

I think HR should be informed. And she can go clarify her embarrassed actions to them. I’m sure they will be understanding f of her age but actions do have consequences and she has to face them.

Your DH should back you on this

Temporary1234 · 16/12/2020 10:17

Honour your feelings..

You shouldn’t have to shoulder the negativity of a situation that arises from someone else’s irresponsible behaviour. You aren’t her mother..

You don’t need to be the one sleeping anxious and second guessing your relationship (naturally) and your DH (if innocent) shouldn’t have to prove he is worthy of trust.

It’s quite simple.. she needs to go face the consequences of her actions and everyone else can be at peace and then let go.

MummytoCSJH · 16/12/2020 10:21

I highly doubt it was anything to do with the song. I know it's not an old song (after searching) but I'm 22 and I'd never heard of it. It's possible of course. I think it was really just a mistake. If I was embarrassed I would have text again the morning after to apologise, it does sound like an accident or a joke. Not sure how no text messages is suspicious - she's just a colleague! When I was at work (student now) I had work colleagues numbers in my phone just in case and never spoke to them once.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/12/2020 10:22

Taking this all at face value your DH should make HR aware of this. He may have need to protect his reputation, if any of the suppositions above are true or not!

She has put him in an uncomfortable position at home and at work. That can't go unchecked!

ScalpHelp · 16/12/2020 10:23

@Temporary1234 presumably you don’t work in HR nor a managerial position, else you’d be aware that 1 text does not constitute harassment. It’s a pattern of behaviour of which there’s no further evidence of here

HikeForward · 16/12/2020 10:25

Sounds like she drunk texted her boss by accident. I’m sure she’s very embarrassed and can’t look him in the eye now 😂

Think logically, if they were having an affair DH wouldn’t have let you play with his phone (or would have endured any communication between him and her were encrypted). This was a random text out of nowhere!

I’d let it go and stop over thinking.

Yeahnahmum · 16/12/2020 10:27

I don't really have any reason to be suspicious and I do trust him. We have a lovely relationship

Uhm.. you literally texted her to see what is going on AND you asked his work colleagues. ..?! Plus you say you "secondguess" your relationship now..
You A don't trust him and B may have started something now between his colleagues and your dh and mistery colleague 😊. .. because even if there WAS absolutely nothing between them; they will now think that there IS...

HikeForward · 16/12/2020 10:27

She may have had his number saved in case she needed to ring in late or sick. Or she could have copied it from the emergency contacts book that most departments have!

Buddytheelf85 · 16/12/2020 10:52

I dunno, whats more immature; getting drunk and sending a text message to the wrong contact or have the whole foundation of your relationship with the father of your children shook by receiving a drunk text?

OP is absolutely entitled to be a bit shaken. Her husband received a message referring to sex at 9pm on a weekend from a female colleague. And the message also happens to contain a lyric from a song about a woman having a crush on a man who’s taken. She’s entitled to question why this woman has her husband’s personal number and why she would send him a drunk text referring to sex.

Honestly, the things people expect women to be ‘cool’ about.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 16/12/2020 10:59

I do think there’s a lesson here about work/home boundaries. I don’t have any of my colleagues personal phone numbers, they don’t have mine and we certainly don’t WhatsApp each other. We have each other’s work numbers and emails and that’s how we communicate, in office hours. People need to be more careful!

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 16/12/2020 11:04

If he had been flirting or saying inappropriate things why would he let you take his phone? I believe she was drunk and probably messaged the wrong person.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 16/12/2020 11:26

I’d be shaken by that. Ask for a printout of previous phone bills?

Riv12345 · 16/12/2020 11:37

How did she know he's number

I agree I think she fancy's him and she was drunk etc etc

Riv12345 · 16/12/2020 11:38

Not saying that is ok

I would be fumming

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 12:41

"I highly doubt it was anything to do with the song. I know it's not an old song (after searching) but I'm 22 and I'd never heard of it."

😂 oh well, can't be that then can it Popmaster?

TrialOfStyle · 16/12/2020 12:46

It's a bit of an odd text though, isn't it? It sounds like a response to something that's already been said - maybe some workplace banter and her testing the waters to see if there's more to it by opening a text conversation.

VenusTiger · 16/12/2020 12:50

DH should either report her to HR or give her a mouthful in front of colleagues, she's messing with people's feelings here.

hellswelshy · 16/12/2020 12:51

Hmm, I would not be happy op. Not saying anything has happened but it is too much of a coincidence to be a mistake in my opinion. How drunk do you have to be to type a coherent text but send it to the wrong person?

VenusTiger · 16/12/2020 12:51

@TrialOfStyle pps have discovered it's a line from a song (a pretty crap one by the looks of it too) - immature. She needs reeling in, it's unprofessional.

TrialOfStyle · 16/12/2020 12:53

[quote VenusTiger]@TrialOfStyle pps have discovered it's a line from a song (a pretty crap one by the looks of it too) - immature. She needs reeling in, it's unprofessional.[/quote]
Ah yes, I've just caught up. Though I still think without context it's a bit odd to send (and I have also never heard of it). Perhaps the song was played in the office at some point and she thought it was a funny joke?

FortunesFave · 16/12/2020 13:50

Full lyrics - I'd be livid.

I wish I thought that I was pretty so that I could turn you on
I had a dream you called me pretty and I told you you were wrong
And that I look for parts of you in every person that I meet
Because my brain is dissipated and you're where it used to be
And it's so typical of me to get so easily obsessed
But in my head we're in my bedroom and you're getting undressed
I wanna take you to a rock show and kiss you in a bathroom stall
I wanna tell you that you're mine and put you up against a wall
Like a painting or a poster of a teenage crush
I play it out inside my head as if you're with me on thе bus
And we're talking and you wanna look inside my mind
I say you can't bеcause I lost it when I knew you were alive

[Chorus]
I'll go anywhere you wanna go
Take me to places that I don't know
I'll go anywhere you wanna go
Why don't you swap me for your shadow?
So I'll be everywhere that you'll be
And I'll go anywhere you want me
Yeah, I'll go anywhere you want me
Want me, want me if you want me

[Verse 2]
I'm twenty something so I tell myself to just grow up
Ditch my pathetic fascination with this unrequired love
I spent the whole day trying to convince myself
You're nothing special, you're like everybody else
And I stay home 'cause all my friends are getting bored of me
I find a way to fit your name in every sentence that I speak
I swear to God, I'm not insane
But all the flags are red
If I'm lying on the floor
Typing your name into the internet
I'll go anywhere you wanna go
Take me to places that I don't know
I'll go anywhere you wanna go
Why don't you swap me for your shadow?
So I'll be everywhere that you'll be
And I'll go anywhere you want me
Yeah, I'll go anywhere you want me
Want me, want me if you want me

[Post-Chorus]
Want me, want me if you want me
Want me, want me if you want me
Want me, want me if you want me
Want me, want me if you want me