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AIBU?

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Original poster

WEIRD text message

179 replies

guacamole7 · 15/12/2020 22:58

I hate to but i've NC'd due to this being so obvious as I'm including an exact text.

SO:

On Saturday night around 9pm DH's work colleague (younger, female) sent him a whatsapp saying "I bet you get bored having sex ;)"
Conveniently (or not) I was actually on his phone at the time as me and DD were playing a game on the phone (DD is 4 and didn't read this FYI).

I obviously immediately asked DH wtf this was, and he claimed to have no idea. There was no previous message thread with them so nothing incriminating. I stupidly messaged her myself to ask what this was, which she replied about an hour later to say that she was really sorry and she and her friends were drunk and she hadn't meant to send the text. She followed this up the next morning with another message saying she was sorry and really embarrassed about it and it meant nothing.

The whole time, DH has claimed to be absolutely clueless about why she would send this and also said she must be drunk and she has a bit of a reputation for going out and drinking etc.

Anyway, cut to now and for whatever reason I just feel very paranoid about this and feel unable to accept this means nothing. I don't know why but I just feel it is so bizarre for her to send him with absolutely no context. I have actually asked friends I have made from DH's work what they are like together at work. Nothing incriminating has come out of it apart from that they are friends but nothing more. I personally feel that DH has acted slightly shifty about it but nothing I could put my finger on, more just gets annoyed at me for keep bringing it up and asks what I want him to do about it.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
PizzaForOne · 16/12/2020 14:21

Stay alert > Control the husband > Save the marriage

ErickBroch · 16/12/2020 14:30

I would bet they are very flirty at work. If you found his work messaging system that's probably where they communicate and not via text. I think her drunk texting is likely, and the fact he freely lets you have his phone supports the fact he wouldn't expect that, but there's no way that's come from nothing.

TrialOfStyle · 16/12/2020 14:40

@ErickBroch

I would bet they are very flirty at work. If you found his work messaging system that's probably where they communicate and not via text. I think her drunk texting is likely, and the fact he freely lets you have his phone supports the fact he wouldn't expect that, but there's no way that's come from nothing.
That's my thought too. There is no way in hell I would send a text like unless I thought there was a remote possibility there was something there.

(Obviously I wouldn't send something like that to a married man full stop).

Just to reassure you though, OP, it could just be 'flirty banter' with no intention and she's misinterpreted it (though I'd still be unhappy about it).

FlyingByTheSeatof · 16/12/2020 14:43

I remember when I was younger and out after work drinking with colleagues we sent loads of inappropriate messages from one of the guys phones to tons of his female contacts - he was mortified- we thought it was hilarious Blush at the time - to make matters worse we had deleted some of the messages so he couldn't even contact all of them to apologise

And we all really got on with this male colleague so it was done from our own drunken stupidity not because we didn't like him or anything like that

FlyingByTheSeatof · 16/12/2020 14:44

That said why did this girl have your DH number ?!??

FlyingByTheSeatof · 16/12/2020 14:50

The generic message we sent was quite tame though not lewd or x rated something like ' I've fancied you for ages '

Original poster
guacamole7 · 16/12/2020 19:13

Hi everyone.
Thanks for all of the messages.

To answer everyone's questions about whether they had any previous texts/whether they had been deleted. I'm not actually sure as this was on Whatsapp. There were no previous threads on the whatsapp. I didn't actually check his actual text messages and didn't even think about that so not sure if there are any work texts on there. But he says she is in a work whatsapp group and they don't text but numbers are shared with everyone due to business trips etc. He doesn't have a separate work phone.

In terms of HR - this is something I have thought of. I do feel her text is wildly inappropriate. I hadn't heard of that song but I have looked at the lyrics now. I asked him whether he thinks she has a crush on him and he said "I don't know - how am i supposed to know?"
I haven't told him he needs to report it to HR and he hasn't mentioned this. I believe if I did start suggesting he did that he wouldn't be very happy about it.

As I said he immediately just said he didn't know wtf it was about, then when she sent the message saying she was sorry and she was drunk he just said that obviously it was just a stupid thing she had done when she was probably with her mates and that we should just forget about it and he thought she would be really embarrassed at work. I asked her what it has been like at work this week and he said it hasn't been spoken about apart from she apologised once to him when she first saw him. I think he told her to just forget it. He's a very laid back guy generally and I know he just wants to forget it even happened.

I don't know if it would be a bit unreasonable to insist he reports her to HR... as much as I do feel she's been totally unprofessional and frankly ludicrous. Sadly she probably doesn't even realise the effect this might have.

OP posts:
SnowySheep · 16/12/2020 19:18

In DH's shoes, as I one off, I wouldn't report it to HR and rightly or wrongly, it's probably easier to report something like this as a woman than as a man. I can see why he wouldn't want to, especially if he believes it's a one off now behind them.

Eckhart · 16/12/2020 19:22

I don't know if it would be a bit unreasonable to insist he reports her to HR

The thing is, it's not about her, now. It's about how he is responding to you. He sounds defensive to me. Forget all about it, you feeling he'd be uncomfortable about reporting it... Really, you should be feeling like you're in the same boat as your husband, here: This woman has done a silly, offensive thing, and what it's offensive to is your marriage. Both of you. If you feel you are opposed in your response rather than having a joint response, then there is some degree of lack-of-togetherness, and I'm not surprised if you're feeling unsettled by that, whether he is having an affair or not.

Original poster
guacamole7 · 16/12/2020 19:25

To be clear i HAVEN'T mentioned HR to him. But knowing him I think he would be uneasy about it.

he is lovely to me and he has said he understands how it's upset me and thrown me and he thinks it's chilish and everything. But I just don't think he wants to make a big deal of it.

Sorry I know I sound like I'm defending him now. But I go back and forth between thinking it's fine, he hasn't done anything wrong and we should forget it... to feeling really angry she's felt it was ok to send him this and wanting him to do more and her to have her comeuppance!

OP posts:
Original poster
guacamole7 · 16/12/2020 19:25

childish*

OP posts:
Strangedayindeed · 16/12/2020 19:27

Sounds to me like she was testing the waters for a flirtation. Maybe was drunk with friends and was egged on to send a text to see if she could get anything going. That’s what I make of it, but who knows really? I would be livid though and be asking my husband to cut all non essential contact.

Hawkins001 · 16/12/2020 19:39

If it's out of hours and if it's a private phone and not a works phone , can hr have any grounds for any procedures ?

Daddyatethemincepies · 16/12/2020 19:53

@Strangedayindeed

Sounds to me like she was testing the waters for a flirtation. Maybe was drunk with friends and was egged on to send a text to see if she could get anything going. That’s what I make of it, but who knows really? I would be livid though and be asking my husband to cut all non essential contact.
I agree with all of this and definitely think it was her testing the waters, probably drunk and egged on by friends.
Eckhart · 16/12/2020 19:54

to feeling really angry she's felt it was ok to send him this and wanting him to do more and her to have her comeuppance

Have you told him you feel this way? Rather than telling him what you want him to do about it? You're really more angry at her behaviour, and want him to mimic your emotion. You can't expect him to mimic it if he doesn't know you're feeling it. You've said he's laid back, so he's just being himself.

Redbrickwall · 16/12/2020 19:56

I genuinely don’t feel there is anything to worry about here. He’s not secretive with his phone etc.

I am mortified about my 19 year old self, but I once sent a few stupid texts like that to a colleague, and he sent a few flirty replies back. He wife went NUTS several months after it (nothing had happened apart from the drunk texts). At the time I thought ‘omg she’s so OTT, how controlling is she’ etc. And now I’m married, 40 years old and with 4 kids, if my husband received messages from a 19 year old, I’d be devastated. I feel really bad I put another woman in that situation. My only excuse was being young and not considering the consequences for his poor wife.

Eckhart · 16/12/2020 19:56

It sounds like he knows you're upset, so he has met this with the appropriate action (reassurance), but he doesn't actually know you're angry, so he can't meet that with the appropriate action.

BigSisLittleSisCardboardBox · 16/12/2020 20:07

feeling really angry she's felt it was ok to send him this and wanting him to do more and her to have her comeuppance!

That is how I’d feel. I’d be looking for my DH to be angry that a work colleague sent such a message to his personal phone which can be viewed by his wife and our children and could cause a lot of upset.

I know I would be furious if a work colleague put me in that position.

BigSisLittleSisCardboardBox · 16/12/2020 20:08

Also, the post above doesn’t include the offending lyrics, I googled the song and that final verse which contains that line is absolutely awful.

BigSisLittleSisCardboardBox · 16/12/2020 20:09

Here it is:

No offense but it makes no sense
You're in her bed then you're driving home and playing my cassette
Because you want me and you just don't know it yet
All your friends are twenty-nine years old
And I'm in debt because I'm just a kid
Now you're smoking cigarettes
Because you want me and you just don't know it yet
Be my guest, go on and waste your life inside her bed now
I bet you get bored having sex
Because you want me and you just don't know it yet
No offense but it makes no sense
You're in her bed then you're driving home and playing my cassette
Because you want me and you just don't know it yet
All your friends are twenty-nine years old
And I'm in debt because I'm just a kid
Now you're smoking cigarettes
Because you want me and you just don't know it yet
Be my guest, go on and waste your life inside her bed now
I bet you get bored having sex
Because you want me and you just don't know it yet

SecretSpAD · 16/12/2020 20:11

DH should either report her to HR or give her a mouthful in front of colleagues, she's messing with people's feelings here.

Jesus. How do so,e people manage in the workplace if they do things like this? 🤦‍♀️

OP. Just leave it. It was obviously a mistake which she has apologised for. You going on and on about it will be the thing that causes problems,s in your marriage rather than a silly text that was either a drunken joke gone wrong or meant for someone else.

SnowySheep · 16/12/2020 20:16

@SecretSpAD

DH should either report her to HR or give her a mouthful in front of colleagues, she's messing with people's feelings here.

Jesus. How do so,e people manage in the workplace if they do things like this? 🤦‍♀️

OP. Just leave it. It was obviously a mistake which she has apologised for. You going on and on about it will be the thing that causes problems,s in your marriage rather than a silly text that was either a drunken joke gone wrong or meant for someone else.

Yes 100%. And if he publically "gives her a mouthful", he becomes the bully.
Hawkins001 · 16/12/2020 20:26

The phrase, although it matches the lyrics in a song, how sure are we that the person used the song or even knows about the song as a meaning to the ops partner ?

ScalpHelp · 16/12/2020 20:39

I’m in my 20s and can safely no one I know studies the lyrics to songs like this. It’s a reach to say she’s quoting the song or that the rest of the lyrics are even relevant.

Not to be nasty but is your sex boring? I’m wondering if you want to see her punished because the text hit a nerve? Or could it be because she might be a potential threat? If the colleague in question was a man or an unattractive woman (someone who you know he wouldn’t be interested in), would you have the same reaction? In those cases, you may have brushed this off or even seen the funny side. I doubt if a male colleague sent him that with the same story, you’d consider telling him to report to HR.

Hawkins001 · 16/12/2020 20:47

When it comes too affairs between company employees, what is the HR rules on affairs or communications about potential affairs ?