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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WEIRD text message

179 replies

guacamole7 · 15/12/2020 22:58

I hate to but i've NC'd due to this being so obvious as I'm including an exact text.

SO:

On Saturday night around 9pm DH's work colleague (younger, female) sent him a whatsapp saying "I bet you get bored having sex ;)"
Conveniently (or not) I was actually on his phone at the time as me and DD were playing a game on the phone (DD is 4 and didn't read this FYI).

I obviously immediately asked DH wtf this was, and he claimed to have no idea. There was no previous message thread with them so nothing incriminating. I stupidly messaged her myself to ask what this was, which she replied about an hour later to say that she was really sorry and she and her friends were drunk and she hadn't meant to send the text. She followed this up the next morning with another message saying she was sorry and really embarrassed about it and it meant nothing.

The whole time, DH has claimed to be absolutely clueless about why she would send this and also said she must be drunk and she has a bit of a reputation for going out and drinking etc.

Anyway, cut to now and for whatever reason I just feel very paranoid about this and feel unable to accept this means nothing. I don't know why but I just feel it is so bizarre for her to send him with absolutely no context. I have actually asked friends I have made from DH's work what they are like together at work. Nothing incriminating has come out of it apart from that they are friends but nothing more. I personally feel that DH has acted slightly shifty about it but nothing I could put my finger on, more just gets annoyed at me for keep bringing it up and asks what I want him to do about it.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
NiceandCalm · 16/12/2020 02:47

I bet you get bored having sex - maybe she thinks you two have lots of sex or she doesn't think much of you. It's a bit of a strange drunken message. It implies they may have spoken about his sex life. It would unsettle me for sure.

Frownette · 16/12/2020 03:04

@NiceandCalm a pp said it's a line from a song, so I wouldn't read too much into it!

Perhaps she was hoping for some attention back but don't think there's much to it other than she's a drunkard and ill advised in her boundary methods.

Mel0Dram4 · 16/12/2020 03:05

If he was up to no good he wouldn’t have let you use his phone...keep an eye on whether that changes though,

Sinful8 · 16/12/2020 03:36

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

She's very immature. She should be embarrassed.
I dunno, whats more immature; getting drunk and sending a text message to the wrong contact or have the whole foundation of your relationship with the father of your children shook by receiving a drunk text?
Sinful8 · 16/12/2020 03:36

When the pubs started closing at 10pm?

Sinful8 · 16/12/2020 03:39

@Summerdayshaze

I think HR should at the very least move her. And I’d tell your DH that if he doesn’t take this to HR then you will. It’s shocking behaviour, which has planted a nasty seed into your marriage.
Hmm
RootBeerFloat43 · 16/12/2020 03:48

If this message came about as a dare or her friends messing with her phone as some people are suggesting, wouldn't she have just said that? So she intentionally sent that message to him. The fact that there is no message history is also a bit weird, as a pp said, it would have made me feel better if there was some innocuous chat before the text.

Don't think he's cheating or even done anything THAT wrong. But likely has had a bit of flirty banter with her that would make her feel comfortable to even drunkenly send that text. It wouldn't be a huge deal to me but would have a chat about boundaries with him.

dysoncansuckit · 16/12/2020 03:58

Why do they even have numbers? I don't know why people think it's innocent just because op had his phone. It would look strange if he said no she couldn't use it and was cagey about it.

Did you check the archived messages?

Longdistance · 16/12/2020 03:59

Hmm, I’m on the fence. The fact they are friends and there are no other texts is odd (deleted?) and his work colleagues could be covering for him as they have to work with him,
Though, I’ve accidentally drunk text a work colleague my shopping list (rock and roll) that was meant for my dh.
I’d keep my spidey senses in my back pocket for now.

Ciaobaby92 · 16/12/2020 04:05

Now after reading the actual song lyrics, I would report the text to HR and management myself, as the wife of an employee and inadvertent recipient of the text. Actually I would give DH the opportunity to report it first and if he refused to do so, I would tell him I intended to. His response should tell you everything you need to know.

And it's not for petty reasons, what this co-worker did really was offensive, disruptive and inappropriate. I would call her out.

Cccc1111 · 16/12/2020 05:46

If he was having an affair, no way would he have let you borrow his phone. Drunken texts sent to the wrong contact can happen.

He probably acted shifty, because he was just trying to avoid you getting paranoid about it unnecessarily. But then went about that all wrong and made it worse instead.

Bakeachocolatecaketoday · 16/12/2020 06:53

@LittlefairyMum

The phone is a real giveaway I feel OP.

No man would let you have his phone if he was having any sort of affair... from experience the phone is guarded with their lives!
Never let out of their sight, hand, is on silent, faced down when out of their hand or covered by one of those leather covers that covers the whole screen.

If he gave you his phone, he's not having an affair, from experience.

Please don't let this ruin your Christmas. Some woman are dangerous Daffodil

100% this ^
Bluntness100 · 16/12/2020 06:57

I agree it’s an odd thing to send, but I also agree there is beyond no way he’d have let you have his phone if he was having an affair.

I think his acting shifty, in your words, is he was just uncomfortable.

Personally I’d have sent a text back saying “yeah I do,,,” and seen what happened next.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 16/12/2020 07:13

When someone WhatsApps you for the first time, doesn’t it have a little yellow bubble saying ‘this person is in your contacts’ or something plus one about ‘end-to-end encryption’. In other words, it should be obvious if it’s the first ever WhatsApp message between them.

Bingowin · 16/12/2020 07:13

I don't think he'd have let you take his phone to play on if he was up to stuff.
Sounds innocent to me.

Jobsharenightmare · 16/12/2020 07:23

If it's at the early stage of boundary violations he could indeed still give you his phone because there is a point where cheaters are still telling themselves I'm only flirting etc and doing nothing wrong. You watch carefully to see if passwords suddenly appear on it to protect the children or he's more cagey going forward.

I don't believe this is the first text she's ever sent him, ever. I believe he has deleted others. Why does she have his number just in case if not to message about work, so where are the messages about work?

SnowySheep · 16/12/2020 07:27

Why does she have his number just in case if not to message about work, so where are the messages about work?

I hardly ever message business contacts, I have their numbers because I talk to them. If I'm sending a written message it will be by email. That can't be that unusual, surely?

MyristicaFragrans · 16/12/2020 07:27

It’s the sort of ‘hilarious joke’ I could just about see a drunken friend of mine doing when we were both drunk, back in my distant youth. I go to the ladies, she picks up my phone... that kind of thing. Then she would have told me that she didn’t send it, and I wouldn’t know what to believe, and neither time would either of us have remembered his wife and family at all.

RugsEverywhere · 16/12/2020 07:34

Reply ' I think you meant to send this to your boyfriend'

howdoyouknow123 · 16/12/2020 07:37

@Blubellsarebells

39SirVixofVixHall

If it is part of a song by Baby Queen, which song? What is the rest of the song ?

The song is called 'want me' but you dont know it yet.
Other lyrics include I'll be your shadow and I'll do anthing you want.
The lyrics are desperate. Waste of a good catchy tune in my opinion.

The lyrics of that song though! It's about a girl having an unrequited crush on someone who's taken
BertieBotts · 16/12/2020 07:47

How old is she? I could definitely see this being something people I know would have found funny between the ages if about 16-22. And we might well have been drunk at 9pm then too! If she's 40, it's very odd. If she's a teenager or young enough to have friends who are, probably just messing around.

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2020 07:47

I don’t think the lyrics of that song do say that?

Whatwouldscullydo · 16/12/2020 07:48

Aah God this is tricky

On one hand he would not let you have the phone if he had anything to hide.

On the other that message is mid conversation and where are the other messages...

I find it strange he is trying to paint her as some drunk, and you should expect things like that from her... I dunno its kinda setting her up to blame for anything that happens ,

If it was a one off drunken thing he'd be laughing about it and blocking her if it was a habit...

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 08:05

"When I was younger I wouldn't even have been messaging any male colleagues at all and I would be nervous to sound TOTALLY professional if I did."

That's you. I've never felt the need to be totally professional or totally anything towards someone just because they are male.

I message all sorts of people. This sounds like one of her friends sent it or she was drunk and made a bad joke.

Honestly, I'd tell him to cool it with her on the back of her shit joke but nothing else.

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 08:13

"Lets face it, 2ho would try to score someone by saying they get "bored having sex"."

Well, if it prompts him to read the rest of the lyrics to the song it's from. It might get the cogs turning. I wouldn't enlighten him on that score OP.

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