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Original poster

Manager of ceos wife... losing the will to live

156 replies

1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 21:48

I am the wife of the ceo in a reasonable size company. After maternity leave I decided not to go back to work. My husband asked if I would help in the roll out of a small project in my area of expertise. not that I was super senior but I know enough to be really helpful.

My manager hates me.... he won't make any small talk with me at all, literally if I ask how his weekend was he comes back with a work question. He is late to meetings with me. Today he belittled me in front of a supplier.

I'm not a threat to him, he is definitely more qualified than me but his experience is different. He seems reasonably well respected- although I doubt people would tell me. Suppliers don't really like him because he can be rude. My husband has a reasonable relationship with him but some frustrations too.

I feel really upset and can't really do my job because he is so horrible.

OP posts:
MitziK · 15/12/2020 21:50

Get a job on your own merits/that doesn't depend upon your husband being the boss?

Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 21:54

@MitziK

This is a job I could have got even if I was t the CEO's wife. I have a long established career. I couldn't go back to my job because the hours were too much. It would be hard to get a contractor to do what I am doing without paying a lot and they don't need a perm person because they are small.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 15/12/2020 21:57

Call him out on it in meetings? Sit in the meeting room and ask him what’s his problem? Should make him feel uncomfortable. As you ask him list everything negative that has happened and wait for the answer.
Don’t just say ‘is there a problem?’ Specifically list the problems.
Oi! Twat! You don’t come to my meetings on time, what’s the issue? Would you like to elaborate?
X supplier has put across to me that you are rude. Is there any truth in that? Can you give me your view point? Why would the supplier say that?

InMyDream · 15/12/2020 21:58

@MitziK

Get a job on your own merits/that doesn't depend upon your husband being the boss?
What a rude reply.

Have you spoken to your husband about it OP? I'd just ask him outright, does he have a problem with me?

I get it, my husband owns a business that I sometimes help out in if the need arises rather than getting someone in permanently for something I could just do whilst it's required. None of his staff would dream of acting this way toward me. Fortunately they are all lovely and we get along great.

You have to be pretty thick to treat your bosses wife this way surely?

InMyDream · 15/12/2020 21:59

Sorry I meant I'd ask the manager outright what his problem with me is, not your husband.

Longdistance · 15/12/2020 22:00

That’s naff @MitziK
It’s obvious the op is over qualified 🙄 and is being looked down upon by her male colleague.

QualityFeet · 15/12/2020 22:00

Hmmm well that could be his attitude but even if it were he is being unprofessional and unpleasant.

I would approach it with the confidence of someone recruited for their experience. I would treat him like I have treated dickish blokes who think they can be rude. Do nothing to appear to appease or appeal to them. Every time they are rude comment on it directly. If rude in ways that cannot be addressed directly email so there is a paper trail ans copy hr in. Draw attention to their poor manners in a confident don’t give a shit yet still surprised by their rudeness way. Model professional at all times and make friends with other people around so there is a good contrast between your affable conversations with others and your icy professionalism with them.

LoafEater · 15/12/2020 22:01

Get your husband to sack him. Mine would.

Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 22:03

@InMyDream

I have asked my husband, he said that he was excited that I am helping him. My husband is a very straight kind of guy and won't be a middleman. I also don't want to bad mouth about his employees.... if it got out to others nobody would trust me ever.

I never wanted to work for his company because I thought people would give me respect I was not worthy of... I never expected I would have someone being horrible!

OP posts:
Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 22:08

@InMyDream

Ah ok.

I could ask him. I am meeting him for the first time on Thursday, everything else has been over zoom.

It has always been 1:1 or with suppliers.

I'm not really dealing with any other employees. Everyone I meet seems positive enough about him. Apart from the supplier who confided in me- strategically I would imagine!

OP posts:
Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 22:11

@LoafEater

He is actually a contractor. I hope he will be gone soon. From what I understand he is good at what he does.

I just feel so overwhelmed by him because he is so confrontational, even about things that just don't matter that much. His skill set is much broader than mine, I would not by any stretch of the imagination be a threat to him. The stuff I am doing is pretty low level, why is he getting so involved!!!

OP posts:
Greenbks · 15/12/2020 22:13

This sounds very simple but have you asked him outright?

I once managed a person 25 years older than me. She hated being managed by someone younger than her and barely acknowledge me. For example when an urgent file came in and I asked her to process it (it was on a rota system so everyone had a fair load) she would take it and grunt all whilst not looking at me. I pulled her aside one day and asked her what the issue was. She did the typical nothing , it’s in your head etc and I had all my examples ready and how I would be taking it forward if she continued her behaviour.

I think you need to stop thinking of yourself as the CEOs wife and tackle issues as you would if you were in any other company. Who cares what the others think- you know your truth and you won’t be there long any way. It’s that or you just keep quiet and put up with it

Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 22:16

@Longdistance

You are right I am overqualified in a slightly different area to the project but it is closely related. I was excited to start this job because I thought it would be s as nice opportunity to learn something new in a small company. I have always worked in huge companies.

OP posts:
clearedfortakeoff · 15/12/2020 22:16

Sounds like he is undermining your authority because he views you as just 'the CEOs wife'

Fuck that you're his manager and he should respect your position. Give him feedback and performance manage him.

Bonsai49 · 15/12/2020 22:21

Sure he doesn’t think his contract won’t be renewed because of you ? Could that be part of the problem ?

Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 22:21

@clearedfortakeoff

He is my manager, he is running a big project and I am working on one bit. He is co-ordinating everything else.

He is much more senior than I am. His market rate would be 1/3 more than mine.

OP posts:
gg12346 · 15/12/2020 22:24

The heading is a bit misleading .

TramaDollface · 15/12/2020 22:25

My husband also heads up a business and I would never ever work for him. I think this sort of attitude is probably quite hard to avoid. Even if you go through ten interview rounds under your maiden name, you’ll never shift the perception that you were handed a job. EVER. Moreover people will just see you as a bit of an undercover boss proxy 😎 and never let you in.

There have been plenty jobs I could have applied for and have always refused.

Keep something for you.
Plough your own furrow and all that OP

NoProblem123 · 15/12/2020 22:27

If you don’t need the money walk away.
Life’s too short.

Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 22:28

@Greenbks

You are right. I haven't asked him and his perspective might be different. I know that my husband promised my services before we had childcare sorted. So he might have viewed me as flaky.

A supplier really let us down last week and he absolutely ripped them apart (not in front of me). He maybe felt I should have managed that better? I had highlighted the issue with our account manager and. Whine the scenes she was trying to sort it, he went straight to the head honcho and nearly got our account manager fired. We are closer to getting it resolved.

It is hard to ask him outright because I have never met him and he actually won't engage me at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 22:31

@TramaDollface

You are probably right. I had always had that idea too. I only took it because they needed someone with my exact skill set and. It is hard to find in a contractor.

OP posts:
Greenbks · 15/12/2020 22:32

Sounds like a tough situation and like he has form for being a nasty person. Still does not mean he can treat you that way.

Do you have one to ones with him? He is your manager so I’m assuming it just you and him at times? Perhaps just ask him outright then. What’s the worse that can happen?

SecretSpAD · 15/12/2020 22:32

However well qualified or experienced you might be, you got this job because of who your husband is. People don't like nepotism and quite rightly so.

Get a job you have earned yourself through going through a proper recruitment process. That way you will get respect, until then - suck it up.

TheKeatingFive · 15/12/2020 22:34

My husband also heads up a business and I would never ever work for him. I think this sort of attitude is probably quite hard to avoid.

I agree with this. Go get a job elsewhere.

Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 22:35

@Bonsai49

If he thinks that I want his job, he is wrong. I am not qualified by any stretch of my imagination... I did wonder if he thought I wanted his job though.... . I have been at great pains to point out how qualified he is (and he likes to remind me how qualified he is ALL of the time).

OP posts:
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