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Original poster

Manager of ceos wife... losing the will to live

156 replies

1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 21:48

I am the wife of the ceo in a reasonable size company. After maternity leave I decided not to go back to work. My husband asked if I would help in the roll out of a small project in my area of expertise. not that I was super senior but I know enough to be really helpful.

My manager hates me.... he won't make any small talk with me at all, literally if I ask how his weekend was he comes back with a work question. He is late to meetings with me. Today he belittled me in front of a supplier.

I'm not a threat to him, he is definitely more qualified than me but his experience is different. He seems reasonably well respected- although I doubt people would tell me. Suppliers don't really like him because he can be rude. My husband has a reasonable relationship with him but some frustrations too.

I feel really upset and can't really do my job because he is so horrible.

OP posts:
EddieBananas · 15/12/2020 22:36

I would hazard a guess he is a typical alpha male and the complete opposite to you. You don't like him and there is a very high chance that he finds you irritating.

Don't bother with the small talk or asking him about his weekend. Speak directly to him. Get to the point. Don't waffle. Stand up for yourself in meetings when you need to. Don't let him walk all over you.

Accept the fact that you are never going to be mates. He's probably concerned with getting the job done and not particularly concerned with making friends at work.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2020 22:36

Get s job away from your very important DH.

SD1978 · 15/12/2020 22:39

I really don't u d'état and the tell your husband and get him sacked mentality. If hers being an arse- follow appropriate procedures with line manager and HR. Unless your husband also heads HR.

Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 22:40

@SecretSpAD

They actually couldn't find a contractor in what I do that they could afford. So it wasn't like I got favourable treatment. There would be nobody qualified internally.

OP posts:
FlyingByTheSeatof · 15/12/2020 22:41

Sounds like he's a bit scared he's thought of as not being good enough.

He probably isn't good enough if he's behaving like this as he seems to be lacking confidence in his work.
He possibly thinks you're there to spy on him ?!?
Just say look I'm doing this role as a favour for my husband I don't want to tread on your toes at all but you have got to stop treating me and the suppliers etc like shit. It's not on and reflects really badly on this company

slipperywhensparticus · 15/12/2020 22:44

Don't bother with the small talk just stick to your job if he is unreliable and confrontational perhaps the company can fine someone just as effective but not such a knob for the next job

yetanothernamitynamechange · 15/12/2020 22:46

@SecretSpAD

However well qualified or experienced you might be, you got this job because of who your husband is. People don't like nepotism and quite rightly so.

Get a job you have earned yourself through going through a proper recruitment process. That way you will get respect, until then - suck it up.

But if he did dislike her because of the nepotism side of things, then it would be even more stupid of him to be so unpleasant. I know the OP said she would never use the fact she was the CEOs wife to get him in trouble, but if he has such a low opinion of her Im suprised he isnt concerned about that possibility himself
ItsA1WayStreet · 15/12/2020 22:47

People need to appreciate that as a well paid contractor he is there to deliver - he's not interested in pleasantries. I'm a contractor - I have no doubt that permies at some of my clients would describe me as being rude at times. I'm not, I just can't be bothered with general chit chat and probably come across as very blunt. If I see an issue impacting my deliverables then I address it directly - quite happy to call out poor supplier or employee performance if it's having a knock on effect on my work.

Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 22:48

@Greenbks

The 1:1 aren't really people manager ones. Just updates on the project. These are the meetings he is late for, doesn't show up for.

The piece I am doing will be done in the 4th jan so the end is in sight. I just feel like I am walking on eggshells around him. He can totally jump down my throat on small points that are inconsequential for someone at his level. Or in a call with a supplier he will just say everything we have done is wrong and put us back to drawing board... it isn't that he is wrong... it is just there is more than one way to skin a cat but it has to be 100% his way!

OP posts:
yetanothernamitynamechange · 15/12/2020 22:49

Also, from the sound of things, it seems he is unpleasant to lots of people - almost getting the account manager fired for example. I think the best way forward, as others have suggested, is to act as you would if you were in a different company (where your husband wasn't the CEO) and deal with him as you would any awkward manager/colleague.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 15/12/2020 22:52

Get a job elsewhere. You only got this job because of your husband. Get a job on your own merit. Dont say you are overqualified or make excuses etc. Prove it by getting a job elsewhere.

tectonicplates · 15/12/2020 22:54

If you get a job at your husband's company, you should expect people to resent you. You'd be a fool to think otherwise. I've worked at a couple of places where this happened and it pissed everyone off and generally caused a bad feeling at the office.

Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 22:58

@ItsA1WayStreet

I hear you I have worked with lots of straight talking contractors, but I find the best ones are able to build relationships and get buy in. I find they don't almost get account managers fired, especially if it transpires in the end it was actually a complex IT integration issue. Don't get me wrong the supplier had a team working all weekend to fix it for him. I didn't get that level of action, but did it have to get to such a dramatic escalation for a 4th jan go live? Do heads always have to roll?

I find he is actually being the opposite of a strategic consultant. he is getting involved in very low level tasks and overriding quite inconsequential decisions, like he is on a power trip.

OP posts:
CallmeAngelGabriel · 15/12/2020 23:02

Sounds to me as though there are too many people on here who are keen to put the boot in to you because they have some sort of issue with you being the boss's wife. That is largely irrelevant, as far as I can see.
If this colleague has an issue with it, that's his problem, but he is being unpleasant and unprofessional and I would call him out on it every time. How dare he undermine any colleague in this way, regardless of their status?

KeyboardWorriers · 15/12/2020 23:10

I think it would be far healthier all round for you to work for a different organisation.

Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 23:10

@CallmeAngelGabriel

I was in the phone to my brother and he said I shouldn't be calling myself the CEO's wife because I am actually the main investor.

The capital that actually set the company up was 50% mine (not by marriage actually from selling a flat I owned by myself) and that is documented legally, which this guy definitely knows as part of his role.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 15/12/2020 23:12

So he’s being an asshole to lots of people and he’s not actually running the project optimally. Stop tiptoeing. Remind yourself he’s a rather pathetic little man with some skills. Stop telling him he’s amazing. Start saying I don’t think you should speak to people like that. From a cultural perspective he’s absolutely no loss and I’d want him gone.

And yes tell your husband, with a list of reasons not just I don’t like him. You’re doing him a favour working there and that does not mean you have to shovel shit and not loan. Plus if the CEOs own wife Won’t tell him when his staff are shit and upsetting people then who will? If I’d seen any of those incidences I’d have told my boss.

Circumlocutious · 15/12/2020 23:12

People are clueless if they think the only way to be ‘respected’ is to go through a formal recruitment process. Say that to the old boys clubs that still dominate entire sectors like law. Or even in academia, where someone you cosy up to in a conference can secure you a job years down the line. ‘Who you know not what you know’ still holds true in many professions.

But oh well, it’s fine if men do it I suppose. They’re just being resourceful and exploiting their networks. Women, on the other hand, have no self respect unless they submit anonymous applications every time.

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2020 23:15

It’s even worse. You’re a major investor. Start telling him what’s being done badly. (Tell your husband first)

IEat · 15/12/2020 23:17

I work with a friend.. Zero banter during working hours from her, after work hilarious. Both take our jobs seriously, we're just different. If your manager doesn't want to do anything unrelated to work stop trying to get them to engage.

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2020 23:18

I’m with circumlocutious. My job never made it to being advertised because a mutual acquantance sent them my cv.

Circumlocutious · 15/12/2020 23:20

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

Get a job elsewhere. You only got this job because of your husband. Get a job on your own merit. Dont say you are overqualified or make excuses etc. Prove it by getting a job elsewhere.
So, what is preventing women from successfully networking?

According to a study by SAGE Publishing that appeared in the Journal of Human Relations, this problem is rooted in the fact that most women tend to fall victim to self-imposed barriers -- including gendered modesty, the tendency to undersell their value and strengths and reluctance to leverage their connections as a means to get ahead in their careers.

www.entrepreneur.com/article/332039

Oooohbehave · 15/12/2020 23:20

@MitziK

Get a job on your own merits/that doesn't depend upon your husband being the boss?
How fucking rude.
Original poster
1sttimeonhere · 15/12/2020 23:21

@timeisnotaline

My job was advertised but they couldn't get a single candidate with the right skill set at a price they could afford.

My skill set is not 100% ideal but I have a lot of transferable skills and worked in a very closely related sector.

OP posts:
tectonicplates · 15/12/2020 23:23

@Circumlocutious

People are clueless if they think the only way to be ‘respected’ is to go through a formal recruitment process. Say that to the old boys clubs that still dominate entire sectors like law. Or even in academia, where someone you cosy up to in a conference can secure you a job years down the line. ‘Who you know not what you know’ still holds true in many professions.

But oh well, it’s fine if men do it I suppose. They’re just being resourceful and exploiting their networks. Women, on the other hand, have no self respect unless they submit anonymous applications every time.

It's still not the same thing as employing your spouse.
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