Manager of ceos wife... losing the will to live

[1sttimeonhere]

I am the wife of the ceo in a reasonable size company. After maternity leave I decided not to go back to work. My husband asked if I would help in the roll out of a small project in my area of expertise. not that I was super senior but I know enough to be really helpful.

My manager hates me.... he won't make any small talk with me at all, literally if I ask how his weekend was he comes back with a work question. He is late to meetings with me. Today he belittled me in front of a supplier.

I'm not a threat to him, he is definitely more qualified than me but his experience is different. He seems reasonably well respected- although I doubt people would tell me. Suppliers don't really like him because he can be rude. My husband has a reasonable relationship with him but some frustrations too.

I feel really upset and can't really do my job because he is so horrible.

You're trying so hard not to be seen as 'the CEO's wife' that you're letting him walk all over you.

Get some gumption and stand up for yourself. I wouldn't tolerate this treatment from anyone I worked with, and neither should you.

What have you got to lose? He already doesn't like you.

So you actually own this business alongside your husband? This guy isn't your manager then. He may be managing this project but you're more senior than him.

I own a business with DH, documented, both the official partners etc... DH works in there every day, I only do occasionally and do most other stuff at home behind the scenes. Our employees are always very nice whenever I'm there. But then none of them are responsible for 'managing' me as that would be a bit bizarre imo.

Perhaps the other people he works with hate him too, but as your husband hired him they assume that his way of getting results it what your husband wants then they can't talk to you openly about it?

The title of the thread is misleading.

The manager sounds insecure, usually people that belittle people in front of others are. Perhaps the Manager think you have been placed in the role to check up on them and fear for their job perhaps?

Really odd behaviour from a Manager, assuming the manager knows you are the wife of CEO!

I don’t like confrontation and try to avoid it if I can, but a situation like this I would have to deal with it, it will only get worse if you don’t.

Good luck.

Honestly, I think this is because you’re the bosses wife. Some people have real issues with nepotism. And although you’re doing it for free, and no other candidate was available, he is just a mysogynistic arse who thinks you’re the incapable little woman being brought in by her husband, that’s why he’s micro managing you, he doesn’t think you’re capable and are just their because of your husband.

Just ride it out if the company can’t afford to loose him.

@MitziK

Get a job on your own merits/that doesn't depend upon your husband being the boss?

Exactly what part of "I decided not to go back to work" and "My husband asked me to help out" did you not understand? What OP is doing is a favor to her spouse, not a job she sought.

So you actually own this business alongside your husband? This guy isn't your manager then. He may be managing this project but you're more senior than him.

You're trying so hard not to be seen as 'the CEO's wife' that you're letting him walk all over you. Get some gumption and stand up for yourself.

These are both correct and, I think, important for the question. So why haven’t you treated this like a normal workplace problem? You’ve mentioned the business is small, so is it too small to have an HR department? I know that can be very difficult. But this may be the first sign you need something in place (a bad manager usually is).

Since you own half this company, this isn’t just a matter of a manager treating you rudely, though; this is your opportunity to notice an inefficient contractor from the inside out. So do you have a plan in place for if one contractor (like you) is having an HR problem with another contractor (like your manager)? Because this could happen to someone who is a regularly paid constructor and doesn’t own half the company; this man could be treating him or her the same way he’s treating you and they wouldn’t know what to do. OR if you do have a reporting system for these kinds of problems, and you don’t want “special treatment,” then you should use it.

But if you feel that his management style is a detriment to the company (the accounts manager almost-firing incident, though I’m not sure I completely understand it - exactly whose fault was it, because a team had to work all weekend to fix it and I imagine that was a large cost?), then you should have an administrative meeting about that with the other business owners (is your husband the only one?) about how you feel Mr. Bad Manager negatively affects the business, as you’re the only owner who has seen it first hand, and what you’re going to do about any other clashing management styles going forward in a tiny company.

'He's NOT your manager. He might be managing the roll out (for now anyway), but he's not managing you. Call him out on his lateness, his rudeness & being rude to the supplier.'

This^^

Get your husband to sack him. Mine would

This.

He's upsetting you and the things you've listed about him are unpleasant. I can't work out if you've told your husband and if you haven't - then why? He's no respect for either of you.

DP hires freelancers seasonally, same ones mostly. I work alongside him at times and 2 freelancers in particular I couldn't stand them. Rude, sexist, dismissive. I told them not to come back and they complained to DP. He backed me up.

Why do you keep going on about his skills set? So what?

Why are people giving the OP such a hard time? She’s filling in for the time being, unpaid, because she has skin in the game, she’s an investor in the company. The fact she’s the CEOs wife is irrelevant as far as I’m concerned.

Just talk to him about hard facts - please let me know if you cannot make a meeting because I won’t waste time waiting around. If you would prefer e-Mail updates I can do that.

He sounds v unpleasant, but I don’t think you should necessarily rock the boat for most of the things - because with some other people he is fine and does his job competently and you wouldn’t want other staff to feel uncomfortable. However - his treatment of the account manager does not sound good. Does he have a problem with women? Or discriminate? If this is a problem, then I would be concerned (though not exactly sure about the right channels of what to do).

Just call him up on his rudeness the same as you would anyone else. He may be the manager but you are the CEOs wife so he most certainly should show you some respect to. I work in a ranked organisation and I absolutely would call anyone out on rudeness.

I can understand not saying too much in general if he has a fear it will get back to the CEO. However, conduct in front of a supplier as you describe is unacceptable, as is lateness.

Why did you have cause to mention to your Brother that you were the CEO's wife? Surely he knows that? Are you sure that you aren't rubbing each other up the wrong way?

Your Husband should have had a one-to-one with him over the other incident and how unprofessional he is being with everyone. But as said, he's never going to be your friend, so stop the pleasantries, just focus on work. This could be partly a communication style difference. If the meetings are really needed, then again, he gets pulled up by your DH. His behaviour is going to effect the business, so needs addressing.

It’s not nepotism when you own 50% of the company, which the OP does. She bought it with her own money. Her company is buying the services of this man and her is behaving unprofessionally towards her. I would have it out with him. Ask him to explain himself - use specific examples. Does he have a superior? The company has a duty of care to all its employees and this is potentially a bullying allegation.

OP please stand up to this man. Don't approach it with what's his problem. He's a problem to you.

Surely if you co-own the company then you have power too?

I've been in your shoes. Not the exact shoes. But he thinks you're a people pleaser and he thinks he can get away with being an arsehole to you.

I'd call him out on it. With maybe ONE calm witness who isn't dramatic.

''Larry, I feel like you're trying to communicate something to me through the medium of unnecessary rudeness. Is that your intention?''.

He will probably deny it. PROBABLY. So it shows bravery on your part to go this far.

You are still the CEO's wife so chances are he'll deny that he's trying to communicate his hostility to you.

Then take him at his word. "'I'm so relieved. I want to be professional here''. And then carry on.

It sounds like a weak exchange, but it puts the bullies on notice that you maybe do have a back bone........

OP don't go in asking what you've done wrong. It's not your being the arse. You need to ask him what his problem with. List everything he's been doing and ask for his reasons.

I would try and call him on it OP. You are in a position where you can - you aren't going to be fired and you're leaving job in a couple of weeks. I'd also raise it with your husband - he could be damaging morale and relationships elsewhere which could also affect your investment. That doesn't necessarily mean firing him but putting in place some rules about acceptable behaviour. It's really hard when someone makes you feel rubbish like this though but agree with PP - call him out on his rudeness don't ask what you've done wrong.

Regardless of whether you feel hes a pain in the ass or whether you for the job due to nepotism, is it really a good idea to try to have the project manager fired now when Phase 1is meant to be going live in January? Stick it out for the next few weeks and dependent on how phase 1 goes you can make a plan then. Hell- even March isn’t that long. As he’s also a contractor then it might be best for the company (of which she part-owns) to keep him in place until the end and then give him the boot. He might be a prick but she might need to suck it up for the next few months if he’s delivering.

Don’t be feeble ok. Don’t ask him why he doesn’t like you. You are sufficiently well qualified to do this job so own it! He is an ass but it’s your lack of confidence that allows this to get to you. You don’t need his approval - come on, listen to some Beyonce or something, and back yourself!

Good grief! I'm only half way through this and all I hear is a woman excusing herself and beng understanding of a rude man! A rude man who is measurably damagaing a business she is a major investor in!

Honey... you don't work for your husband you are working in your own business.

You aren't under or over qualified you are applying your skills in your business where they are needed.

You are tip toeing around a man whose attitude is bothering cotractors and employees alike... does he have any face to face with your paying customers? I would assume he is pissing off some of them too!

I think you said he is effectively a contractor... so have a conversation with your DH and find someone else next time you need his skill set!

Better still stop apologising for being yourself and pick up that work yourself. If it is part time/occasional then you might be able to work it into your life. Have a really good think about it over Christmas, before you go back to your job.

Meantime tell him to wind his neck in, that his manners are appalling and he is reflecting badly on your company and you will not accommodate it! But mostly stop apologising for being yourself, stop overthinking, self effacing and trying not to upset him by being who you are!

He is the problem, not you!

''Larry, I feel like you're trying to communicate something to me through the medium of unnecessary rudeness. Is that your intention?''. THAT!

I am stealing that, setting it aside for when I need it. Thanks @WiseOwlWan

My job was advertised but they couldn't get a single candidate with the right skill set at a price they could afford
Maybe his view was that it was worth paying more for the right person rather than conveniently having the wife comes in, when it suits her without the right skill mix.

Maybe the wet up is putting more pressure on him. In the end, if he is not happy with your work, it's unlikely your husband will defend him.

My OH once had to manage his boss's son. He hated it. He knew that anything he said would directly reported so had to watch every word he said. He also knew that anything he said the son wasn't happy would be moaned about. As it is, it wasn't half as bad as he feared but he 2as so happy when he was promoted elsewhere.

I don't blame your manager for not liking the situation.

Fucking hell, some really nasty replies here.
The op is a major shareholder 50% ! She is helping out, she is not even getting paid. There is absolutely no need for the spiteful comments.
Tbh, there'd be no need even if the above did not apply!

Op - he's clearly got a problem with you. I'd hazard a guess that he is a bully and he hates the fact that he can't storm off to someone and report you and he can't 'tear you a new one' either. Two of his behaviours towards others from what you say. So he's doing this instead.

There is no point asking him what you've supposedly done. He'll just respond with more of the same.

Best to either ignore him, get the job done and leave, or tell him his conduct is unprofessional and unacceptable. He'll likely have a tantrum but really, what can he do to you? You are in a stronger position than you think.