Manager of ceos wife... losing the will to live

[1sttimeonhere]

I am the wife of the ceo in a reasonable size company. After maternity leave I decided not to go back to work. My husband asked if I would help in the roll out of a small project in my area of expertise. not that I was super senior but I know enough to be really helpful.

My manager hates me.... he won't make any small talk with me at all, literally if I ask how his weekend was he comes back with a work question. He is late to meetings with me. Today he belittled me in front of a supplier.

I'm not a threat to him, he is definitely more qualified than me but his experience is different. He seems reasonably well respected- although I doubt people would tell me. Suppliers don't really like him because he can be rude. My husband has a reasonable relationship with him but some frustrations too.

I feel really upset and can't really do my job because he is so horrible.

@dontdisturbmenow
He's entitled to his view. He's not entitled to act like a rude dickhead and effect the morale of another member of the team. He should learn the meaning of the words "professional" and "grown up".

"So you actually own this business alongside your husband? This guy isn't your manager then. He may be managing this project but you're more senior than him.

You're trying so hard not to be seen as 'the CEO's wife' that you're letting him walk all over you. Get some gumption and stand up for yourself."

Exactly. The charge of "nepotism" here doesnt really hold much weight at all. Basically he's just acting like a rude unprofessional prick to the owner's wife (who helps out and is paid a below market rate for doing so).

What actually needs to happen is the owner should fire his ass, the rude prick!

@CuriousaboutSamphire i cant take credit for on the shine a light on it technique but it is something you can look up on youtube. Dan O'connor on youtibe is where i saw it. It"s important to get it right though so that the person is backed in to a corner with 2-3 witnesses max (to avoid "drama") where they kind of have to say "no it was not my intention to be rude/ignore you/not inclue you".
The chances are they will say lie "gosh no that was not my intention".
Then you have to take them at their 'word'.
Next you say "im so glad"

If it goes tits up and they list off all your faults, you can say "that may be larry but i would like to be professional".

If they dont back down repeat like a dripping tap "can i count on you to be professional?".

I have used the first part of this script once and didnt need the rest. There are times in my past when i wished id used it :-/

I have filed that all away @WiseOwlWan

You sound a bit like a wet lettuce. All this explaining that he is your boss, you are not qualified and then it turns out it is half your business although for some reason you dont see it as such. Just ask him if he has a problem with you! All this kowtowing to some random bloke who is your company employee and you are as meek and mild like a fair maiden! Just tell him to treat you with respect or ask him what his problem is and dont take any rudeness without pulling him up on it! No wonder women get a bad rap in business when there are women like you wringing their hands even when they are in a position of power.

Thanks for all the replies I feel like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. Nothing worse than feeling like someone is treating you like shit but there is nothing you can do about it. I have no reason to believe others don't like him. I don't see anything subtle in their language or behaviour.

I am going to roll out the project by being amazing at the work and then have my baby. When I am done I will either go back to the job I am on career break from or get a new job. It is a shame because I was hoping to work here, learn from him for a little bit and then get a new job but I can't hack him.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Good grief! I'm only half way through this and all I hear is a woman excusing herself and beng understanding of a rude man! A rude man who is measurably damagaing a business she is a major investor in!

Honey... you don't work for your husband you are working in your own business.

You aren't under or over qualified you are applying your skills in your business where they are needed.

You are tip toeing around a man whose attitude is bothering cotractors and employees alike... does he have any face to face with your paying customers? I would assume he is pissing off some of them too!

I think you said he is effectively a contractor... so have a conversation with your DH and find someone else next time you need his skill set!

Better still stop apologising for being yourself and pick up that work yourself. If it is part time/occasional then you might be able to work it into your life. Have a really good think about it over Christmas, before you go back to your job.

Meantime tell him to wind his neck in, that his manners are appalling and he is reflecting badly on your company and you will not accommodate it! But mostly stop apologising for being yourself, stop overthinking, self effacing and trying not to upset him by being who you are!

He is the problem, not you!

Absolutely this.

Totally agree with @cam77. Your so desperate for it not to be seen as nepotism you're weaking yourself. Even calling yourself the CEO's wife here instead of the business' part owner is you weakening yourself. He's picking up on this weakness and fear and using it against you because he is a WANKER who is trying to assert dominance. You part own this company. You are his fucking boss! Start acting like it.

Don't bloody worry about him not liking you. Don't ask what his problem with you is. You didn't get the job because you're the CEO's wife - you got it because it's your bloody company and you have the skill set! Stop under playing that.

You're not there to be liked and his problem 'with you' personally is his problem. Your problem is he's being unprofessional in YOUR company and causing issues with suppliers in YOUR company. It doesn't matter that you less qualified, or that you're only involved in this project. It's your company and you can dip in and out as much as you bloody like in any area you like. You can take over the marketing with no qualifications or experience if you want because it's your bloody company!

Instead of asking him what his problem is like it's a friendship issue, put your big girl pants on and TELL him that turning up late to meetings with the company's major investor is unprofessional. That his attitude has been commented on to the company's major investor by suppliers. If he is unable to manage the minimum of professional courtesy to his BOSS, god only knows how he acts to others in the company and suppliers/clients. Remember he is YOUR employee and can be replaced. Fuck him, the misogynist insecure unprofessional wanker!

Put the fear of god into him and if he doesn't like it, tough shite and he can quit.

As you can see by the swearing I'm proper angry that he's getting away with this and you're tying yourself in knots about why he's being 'mean' to you!

@Theyouttheresayin

nepotism /ˈnɛpətɪz(ə)m/

noun
the practice among those with power or influence of favouring relatives or friends, especially by giving them jobs.

For anyone saying that it is not nepotism - it is the LITERAL
Definition of nepotism, and I think a lot of people who had interviewed, been hired and worked for their position in a company would resent the bosses wife being parachuted in because it ‘made sense’ or there was no-one else better. If you don’t try to hire someone the proper way then how would you know whether or not the wife has actually deserved the role.

I’ve come across attitudes like this. They speak far more of the person holding them than the qualified person with every reason to be doing their job.

This is particularly bizarre when it’s a family business.... erm... how do you think this man has a job in the first place? Because of OP’s investment!

If Usain Bolt's wife ran a track club for kids and she hired him to come in and coach the U11s a few times, would he have got the gig through nepotism? I guess so...

In this case, the OP is doing the company a favour by working for them.

We can't possibly know why the guy is behaving the way he is, but there's no way you should be putting up with it. You have all the power - use it!

@CallmeAngelGabriel

Sounds to me as though there are too many people on here who are keen to put the boot in to you because they have some sort of issue with you being the boss's wife. That is largely irrelevant, as far as I can see. If this colleague has an issue with it, that's his problem, but he is being unpleasant and unprofessional and I would call him out on it every time. How dare he undermine any colleague in this way, regardless of their status?

I agree that the manager is being unprofessional and is doing nothing to promote harmony and team effectiveness.

However you've made the point:

Sounds to me as though there are too many people on here who are keen to put the boot in to you because they have some sort of issue with you being the boss's wife. That is largely irrelevant, as far as I can see.

It is totally relevant that the OPs thread title and their initial comments focus on them being the CEOs wife! If it's largely irrelevant then why bother mentioning it.

Maybe the fact they are the CEOs wife has a lot to do with the manager's attitude - resentment, a bit of a power trip and bullying the boss's wife because they can, due to their very important project lead role.

Trying to make small talk doesn't wash with an alpha male - it has to be straight-face, stick to business and don't ever let your guard down or crack a smile (other than a quizzical one if they're being an utter arse), is the only way to deal with someone like that.

The reason I mentioned the CEO's wife was because the very first meeting I had with him was frosty and because I didn't know him I assumed that it was the CEOs wife thing.

He is now an arse so maybe I have upset him more. I know he was frustrated because he wanted me to start months before I joined but I had no childcare solution, how could I?!? Since I have started the kids have had coughs and been sent home for a complete week- annoying right? Also we had a major electrical issue in our home and again I was out for a complete week. Maybe he thinks I am flaky? Maybe I am. He has never once asked about the kids or the electrical issue, that is no empathy. I find it hard to support someone with no empathy.

Jeez. That reveal makes me feel kinda sorry for the guy. The boss’s wife is parachuted in to a role that she’s semi-capable of doing due to transferable skills but then starts late due to her childcare issues, then needs to take time off for child sickness and then an electrical issue (why on earth would that need an entire week off work?). Don’t blame him for thinking you’re flakey - it all sounds completely unprofessional. He knows he can’t say anything as it’s the boss’s wife. He must be utterly fed up and I wouldn’t blame him if he walks.

This is completely bizarre.

1. Why are you working for nothing? This only makes sense in the context that this is half your business and people who have businesses do put in extra graft to make sure they succeed. But you are not acting like it is half your business, even recognising that this man is out of order, your response is, well, I will go elsewhere once I have done my bit. It is half your business!

I totally understand that maternity leave can wreck your confidence and you are planning short-term as you have another baby on the way, but you are basically being hounded out of a business you have put up 50% of the capital for. You are acting like and being treated like an unpaid intern (you hoped you could learn something from this guy).

On the other side of the coin, working for nothing is devaluing your skill set and it is devaluing the work expected by the team you are working in. If you are prepared to work for nothing, does that not undercut outside people who could do with the work? It only makes sense if you own the fact that you are doing it because it is half your company, you have the skills, and project that in your attitude. This guy is basically having to manage someone who is technically above them in the work hierarchy but acting like an unpaid intern (sorry if that is harsh, but I think you need to value yourself more!)

Sorry op, you are sounding a bit pathetic.

Stop referring to yourself as the 'CEO's Wife'.
Stop thinking the problem is you.
Stop planning that 'is it me?' conversation with him.
Stop saying you are unqualified for the job.

You are the best person for the job.
You are a joint owner of the business.
You are working with an unnecessarily rude contractor.
You have influence over whether stays working there or not.
You actually have more power than he does.

Sorry, x-post - an unpaid intern with childcare and domestic issues. I speak as a single parent who needs to work come what may. If you are working, you need contingency plans for situations like this.

he is just a mysogynistic arse who thinks you’re the incapable little woman being brought in by her husband, that’s why he’s micro managing you, he doesn’t think you’re capable and are just their because of your husband.

And that goes for other, presumably female, posters on this thread. I am genuinely embarrassed for them.

With your update RE the fact you are actually an investor, you are in fact not the CEOs wife as you put it but actually working in the company to fill a role that YOUR company couldn't fill to meet the timelines. You need to flip it in your head too for confidence.
You need to address it with the same thoughts, do you want YOUR company to be represented in this manner to suppliers? Or employees.

Jeez. That reveal makes me feel kinda sorry for the guy. The boss’s wife is parachuted in to a role that she’s semi-capable of doing due to transferable skills but then starts late due to her childcare issues, then needs to take time off for child sickness and then an electrical issue (why on earth would that need an entire week off work?). Don’t blame him for thinking you’re flakey - it all sounds completely unprofessional. He knows he can’t say anything as it’s the boss’s wife. He must be utterly fed up and I wouldn’t blame him if he walks.

Hopefully he does. Clearly he's unprofessional, at best. 'Her' childcare issues? Presumably her husband had something to do with their creation. Are you female? I honestly hope not.

Perhaps he's regretting working for a company that won't pay out for the skills needed?

All sounds very unprofessional.

"He has never once asked about the kids or the electrical issue,"

rather than conveniently having the wife comes in, when it suits her without the right skill mix

She's not 'the wife' she is a 50% shareholder. It is literally her business. She can come in work if she likes.

I think you have confused this thread by referring to yourself as the CEOs wife OP. You aren't. You may be married to the other business owner but you are also a majority shareholder in your own right not just your husband's wife.

This is your business too.

Sounds a bit of a tin pot outfit to work for. Unless you happen to be the boss's wife and/Or a major shareholder.

@Holyrivolli

I didn't want the job they were advertising. I only came in when they were stuck but I needed to organise childcare. Would you not normally have to wait for a new hire?

Re the electrical thing it was over three weeks but I had to meet the insurance company, electricians, utilities. Over 3 weeks I would say it was a complete week. I still managed to do all of my meetings.