Manager of ceos wife... losing the will to live

[1sttimeonhere]

I am the wife of the ceo in a reasonable size company. After maternity leave I decided not to go back to work. My husband asked if I would help in the roll out of a small project in my area of expertise. not that I was super senior but I know enough to be really helpful.

My manager hates me.... he won't make any small talk with me at all, literally if I ask how his weekend was he comes back with a work question. He is late to meetings with me. Today he belittled me in front of a supplier.

I'm not a threat to him, he is definitely more qualified than me but his experience is different. He seems reasonably well respected- although I doubt people would tell me. Suppliers don't really like him because he can be rude. My husband has a reasonable relationship with him but some frustrations too.

I feel really upset and can't really do my job because he is so horrible.

@KatySun how do you manage to get a contingency plan when you have to get house hold covid tests with 3 kids under 6?

@Holyrivolli

Jeez. That reveal makes me feel kinda sorry for the guy. The boss’s wife is parachuted in to a role that she’s semi-capable of doing due to transferable skills but then starts late due to her childcare issues, then needs to take time off for child sickness and then an electrical issue (why on earth would that need an entire week off work?). Don’t blame him for thinking you’re flakey - it all sounds completely unprofessional. He knows he can’t say anything as it’s the boss’s wife. He must be utterly fed up and I wouldn’t blame him if he walks.

She isn't the bosses wife... She literally owns the business alongside her husband

I own a business with DH, similar in that he works there every day, I do not and only occasionally go in.

I'd be pretty fucked off to learn someone we employed was annoyed and now acting rudely toward me because they wanted me to 'start' months earlier but because of childcare I couldn't. Erm...it's my fucking business?

I would finish the project that you are working on, leave the job and then talk to the CEO, not in your role as his wife but as a shareholder, about the issues with your manager. Whatever about how he made you feel, he is clearly causing staff issues and you might possibly lose good employees to other companies because of it.

OP stop justifying yourself as to why you took the job, you have skills that is helping the business and you have been taken on for a short period of time. You do not have to justify it to anyone, just because you are the CEO's wife doesnt mean you are thicko with no skills, sounds like you are more than qualified.

As you are a major shareholder you have a duty to look out for the business and if you feel this man is potentially harming the business you need to address it. And stop letting him treat you like shit, if it wasnt for your half of the capital to set up the business he wouldnt have a job.

If what you say is true OP most people know that your manager is not the nicest of men who is rude to a lot of people. I’ve always thought that people like this are insecure and see being rude and obnoxious as the only way they can assert their authority.
His attitude towards you could of course simply be due to the fact that like a fair few on here he thinks you only got the job because of family connections but I suspect that he would have been equally unpleasant to anyone as he perceives having someone to help him as an indication that he was not considered able enough to do the job alone.
If you want to carry on with the job, you have two choices - either call him out on his rudeness in the hope it will stop or ignore it and just go about your work in a professional manner.
Obviously I’m not working with this man but I think his attitude would anger rather than upset me and as such I’d have no difficulty in calling him out on his rudeness, whether it was in the presence of others or not. You implied that others know what he’s like so it might not be a bad thing if they saw you making it known that behaviour like his is unacceptable.
I would t let his lack of small talk bother me - he obviously doesn’t want you (or your OH) to know anything of his personal life and neither would I let the fact that he was late for meetings, unprofessional as this is, worry me. View it as a rather pathetic attempt on his part to assert his authority over you, and ignore his lateness when he arrives. Me being me I’d either get my knitting out whilst I waited or leave a timed note on the table telling him that you’d gone back to the office.
This is just a random ramble really but I’d.be interested to know how tall he is - he sounds to me as though he has all the attributes of a classic angry little man. He doesn’t sound the brightest spark on the planet either because surely he must realise that anything he does to upset you will get back to the person who pays his salary.

@TheStoic

Jeez. That reveal makes me feel kinda sorry for the guy. The boss’s wife is parachuted in to a role that she’s semi-capable of doing due to transferable skills but then starts late due to her childcare issues, then needs to take time off for child sickness and then an electrical issue (why on earth would that need an entire week off work?). Don’t blame him for thinking you’re flakey - it all sounds completely unprofessional. He knows he can’t say anything as it’s the boss’s wife. He must be utterly fed up and I wouldn’t blame him if he walks.

Hopefully he does. Clearly he's unprofessional, at best. 'Her' childcare issues? Presumably her husband had something to do with their creation. Are you female? I honestly hope not.

Yep. I am single mum and work in a professional environment which means that I am not going to do the “well done for trying to show up” route just because she’s female. The company sounds amateurish and unprofessional for not being willing to pay the going rate for a job and therefore getting the co-owner to do it when she doesn’t appear to be in a position to commit properly. Her and her CEO husband have decided to prioritise his work over hers and the team are having to work round her flakiness.

The PM may be an utter asshole but the OP isn’t covering herself with glory either. Totally up to them whether they fire this guy but I doubt that either of them would be able to actually deliver the project which I assume the business wants and needs completed.

He is now an arse so maybe I have upset him more. I know he was frustrated because he wanted me to start months before I joined but I had no childcare solution, how could I?!?
I bet he is massively frustrated. The co.osny doesn't want to pay for someone with expertise in the field. Annoying enough. I stead they get you in but when it suits you to start, most likely having a massive impact on him.

Then you come in, are out for a week at a time (and of course, the childcare falls all on you but your OH).

To be honest, he probably sees that this job is just a bit if entertainment for you whilst trying to get training off him and there's nothing he can do or say.

I expect he is only with the company for the money and will be out if it as soon as he can.

I think the people who are screeching 'nepotism' are very strange and might I add, sound a tad jealous!

So what if it's nepotism? I think there's a difference between the 'nepotism' of being "handed a job" because you can do it (and you happen to be fortunate enough to know the person in charge, which I think a lot of people here bleating on about 'nepotism' and 'get a job on your own merit' would love to have and wouldn't shy away from if the opportunity arose) and being handed a job you are shit at ONLY because you're connected to the person in charge. That's the difference!

OP is clearly qualified for and great at what she does. Why hire someone else when she's right there, available... and even cheaper? It's not like she's being paid more due to nepotism for something another person would receive less for. That would also be a problem.

So what if she got it "handed to her"? Does that mean she deserves to be treated horribly by arseholes? Should she now have to resign because someone else can't contain their 'arseholery'?

OP, stop apologising for your life ffs! Treat this person like you'd treat any other employee or colleague and handle this matter professionally.

It's likely this person doesn't feel like making friends with you or having general chit-chats (he has that right btw but doesn't have to be horrible about it) or this 'male colleague' thinks the same way some women on here do, which is why he treats you the way he does.

Guess what? These women would do the same if they were in his shoes. So it isn't about him being male but about him being a foolish arsehole who hates anyone who hasn't suffered and strived the very same way they have. Who 'woulda thunk' women are also capable of being arseholes to women?

The 'reverse snobbery' is ridiculous!

OP is clearly qualified for and great at what she does
How do you know that? If anything, OP hi yes to the opposite. She has skills but in another field, wants to learn from her manager, has started late, been off twice for a week each time.

Maybe she isn't as good at the job as she thinks or her manager expected, we don't know.

@dontdisturbmenow

OP is clearly qualified for and great at what she does How do you know that? If anything, OP hi yes to the opposite. She has skills but in another field, wants to learn from her manager, has started late, been off twice for a week each time.

Maybe she isn't as good at the job as she thinks or her manager expected, we don't know.

And it wouldnt matter if she was totally shit at her job, she OWNS half the business, it doesnt matter what the manager expected, he is being shitty with a CO OWNER, and as for her being off, perks of owning a company and for him to suck it up.

I used to work for a partnership, one was very involved day to day and one had a very poorly wife so wasnt around much, but they both owned the company and we were respectful to them both, despite one not being around much.

I'm afraid you want your cake and eat it too. Of course he has an issue with you, it's a totally imbalanced situation. You're working for your husband because he offers what no one else can (hours wise, etc), so you're taking advantage of his position. You can't then weep into your cornflakes that you're not treated like everyone else.

You can't then weep into your cornflakes that you're not treated like everyone else.

So you should put up with being treated worse than everyone else?

Why do some women perpetuate this shit?

Did I say treated worse?? No I didn't.

She should either go and find a proper job on her own merits, where her time off would be monitored properly or accept the fact she won't be trusted or liked by her husband's workforce.

@1sttimeonhere

Thanks for all the replies I feel like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. Nothing worse than feeling like someone is treating you like shit but there is nothing you can do about it. I have no reason to believe others don't like him. I don't see anything subtle in their language or behaviour.

I am going to roll out the project by being amazing at the work and then have my baby. When I am done I will either go back to the job I am on career break from or get a new job. It is a shame because I was hoping to work here, learn from him for a little bit and then get a new job but I can't hack him.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding but I’m not sure why you feel better. It sounds like you’re not going to do anything about it, and you’re letting him push you out.

You’re going to let a rude, disrespectful man push you out of a job you want. You say you WANT to be there, but you can’t “hack” him. If he is doing legitimately rude, disrespectful things (being late to meetings, speaking to you in an arsey manner) and it sounds like he is, it’s not yours or anyone else’s job to hack him. Please really give this some thought and consider speaking to your husband because now you’re talking about making a career decision based on this ONE man. I understand it’s complex to talk to your husband because he’s also the CEO, but if I were considering giving up a job I wanted for some reason, I would be discussing it with my partner in life (of course you can make career decisions without your husband, but if it wasn’t his company, would you discuss this with him? I would, usually, just because career decisions affect the family).

OP I would actually go the opposite way to what most people are advising here. You are only doing this job as a favour to your husband, so it’s up to him to make sure you don’t have a crap time while doing it. I would be honest with him and say the job is not worth your while as you’re being treated like shit by your manager so if DH wants you to continue he needs to sort the manager out.

DH can then pull him up on his rudeness to you and make sure he puts a sock in it. If this pisses off the nasty boss to the extent he leaves, then no real loss! People like that are poison and act as a burden on an organisation, not as an asset.

Oh and ignore the jealous posters on here. Jobs through their “network” is literally how men have got jobs since the dawn of time. Plus this wasn’t even something you wanted, you’re just doing it as a short-term favour!

You need to have it out with your manager, preferably in front of everybody in a team meeting.

Just start signing your emails "Director", Jazz up your Linked In content, and have some confidence in yourself.

I think there is an element of not trusting you to be capable - well that is communication, not being what HE wants - well sometimes when you can't get that you have to make do, he sees you as a weak link in his project - set up a review with him make sure he is clear what he wants by when , stepping in on your toes - re Supplier - he is putting the business at risk - who wants a pissed off supplier - CEO should be pulling him separately on that and its down to your DH to manage that side.

You and DH need to work on childcare together - sort out something even if it is a Nanny or whatever you need a plan A plan B and Plan C BETWEEN YOU.

SO I would say he was unreasonable in how he handled Supplier, and the micro managing, but there are things you can do - communicate and step up, and maybe also speak to DH and or a business coach / mentor outside of the business to build your confidence more to handle these situations

Oh and I would say Jobs though network is how it works in the run your own business world - there is a massive trust thing at play, the business is your baby. That's for staff, contractors and even business its how it is.

She's not the ideal person in view of experience, they apparently couldn't get anybody better and she's the CEO's wife 'helping out'/is now fronting up loads of the cash.

That's not a judgement or criticism, that was in the OP's own posts.

Getting a job somewhere on her own merits would likely have her treated far nicer.

Some very rude posts OP.

But a bit unbelievable too!

You own half the company.

You are not getting paid.

You are taking huge shit from a rude, disrespectful twat, who is also rude to clients.

You need to give yourself a shake.

Why are you taking this bullshit from an employee?

He needs to be roundly put in his place.

Maybe he is just an arsehole. I mean there are many of them about.

1sttimeonhere correct me if I am wrong, but you have a husband. So why were you the one carrying the can for the covid tests for under 6’s and not your husband? Neither of you could surely leave the house? Not caught up on the posts, but my DC between them have needed covid tests four times. There is only me to sort this. I also need to get my job done. I have changed my field of work to be able to meet these contingencies, so maybe I am lucky. But there are two of you. Why does it fall to you to sort out?

@Ilovedollyparton

Did I say treated worse?? No I didn't.

She should either go and find a proper job on her own merits, where her time off would be monitored properly or accept the fact she won't be trusted or liked by her husband's workforce.

@Ilovedollyparton her husband's workforce? What the actual...? It is HER BUSINESS! She owns it, it is HER workforce too. It was HER money that started the business, so one could argue it is more hers than his. If a woman starts up HER OWN BUSINESS, I think she got her own job on her own merits!

You and DH need to work on childcare together - sort out something even if it is a Nanny or whatever you need a plan A plan B and Plan C BETWEEN YOU.

I actually checked the date on this in case I was reading a resurrected thread from another year. This is 2020, in a global pandemic, when people with COVID symptoms have to isolate from everyone outside their household.

It beggars belief that the OP is getting slated because childcare issues have affected her work for a few days. Fine to ask whether her husband could have stepped up more, but to imply that she's flaky and unprofessional for not having a nanny when a nanny couldn't have helped here anyway is a bit much!

@CasperGutman I think a lot of posters are just jealous and want to have a go. So disappointing.