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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree with partner about inheritance

160 replies

blessedfig · 14/12/2020 21:16

I have just received an inheritance of about £20k. It was unexpected as I had no idea that my aunt had so much money (there was more that was divided equally between 3 of us). My aunt was very elderly and I moved about 4 hours away from our home town about 10 years ago. Since then I would only see her a few times a year, though we spoke regularly on the phone and exchanged letters. This year, for obvious reasons, I only saw her twice, the last time a good three months before she died as she died quite suddenly. I honestly don't think her death has sunk in at all - I'm used to not seeing her often and can't quite accept that I won't again. And now I have this money - more than I have ever had at one time - and I didn't even get to say thank you. I feel guilty about not seeing her more and guilty that the cousins who have also inherited saw her a lot more as they lived nearer, though there's no bad feeling on their part as far as I can see.

Now dh is acting like we've won the lottery. He wants to pay off a debt of around £3k he has (it's in his name and was accrued before our marriage, but all payments come from one pot in our house), and also wants to give he dc £500 each. I have no objection to this in principle, but they do have a lot of savings and don't need anything so I don't see it as a priority. He's also going on about various things we could do like redecorate a bathroom etc.

To be honest, I just want to leave it and think about it for a bit and not be rushed. I know he doesn't mean it like this but it's almost like he's happy she has passed as now we have this. I've told him to leave it but he does for a day or so and then starts up again.

Am I wrong to want a bit of time? We are comfortable but have to save for anything over a couple of hundred pounds and some of the things he's mentioning would be quite sensible and we do need, but I just don't want to be rushing in. AIBU?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/12/2020 21:19

It is your money and it's perfectly reasonable to say you want to leave it a while before you spend any of it.

His your DH usually so grabby with your income?

Thankssomuch · 14/12/2020 21:20

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. You take as long as you like to decide what to do with that money - it was left to you. It’s a lovely gift but not a huge sum in the great scheme of things and could very easily be spent on this that and the other - just sit on it for a while. Sorry for your loss.

dudsville · 14/12/2020 21:21

Take your time. It sounds like your partner may not understand so you may need to be clear the money isn't to be spent. Has it gone into a joint account?

SweatyBetty20 · 14/12/2020 21:22

Don’t rush it. I inherited £15k 10 years ago in very similar circumstances - childless cousin of my dad. It took me so much by surprise that I couldn’t think about spending it for a while. I’m single so I didn’t have any pressure to spend it though. I was determined to spend some of it on me on something I would remember him by. In the end, I put £5k into long term savings, £5k for house renovations, and £5k on an overseas trip that was way out of my comfort zone. That opened up a world of travelling, and every single time I look at a map or think about where to go next, I think about Michael and his wonderfully kind gesture.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/12/2020 21:23

It is your money and you need to take time ti consider what you want to do with it. Tell him you are not going to think about it or discuss it until the festive period is over as you feel it is not right given your aunt has not long passed away.

saraclara · 14/12/2020 21:24

Open a separate account for it in your name only. Then leave it there for a while. It's really graceless of him to push you on this.

OneEpisode · 14/12/2020 21:25

If he is DH then it is family debt. Could you agree to use some to settle that if he agrees to not discuss the money for a while? Your Auntie chose to leave this money to you, she didn’t want to worry you.

Veterinari · 14/12/2020 21:25

Paying off the debt is sensible as that's a joint expense.

But take your time with the rest. However if you're married with joint finances this is essentially joint money so its something you should decide together, when you're ready to do so Thanks

Anotherpointofview1 · 14/12/2020 21:25

Is it in an account he cant access. Make sure it is so that there are no "misunderstandings" and you have plenty of time to think about what you want to do.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 14/12/2020 21:26

Buy some Premium Bonds and relax.

Helloyouthere · 14/12/2020 21:26

Is the debt yours too? Are the DC yours? If not if I was in your shoes (and we share money/bank accounts in our house) I wouldn't be paying this. Your aunt left it to you.

Yanbu to want to think about it x

TiddyTid · 14/12/2020 21:26

Your money and I'm sure your aunt looked after this money for years and she would want it put to better use than pay off your partners debt, although now it's your money and up to you, of course.

What would you like to do with it OP, when you're ready?

Scottishskifun · 14/12/2020 21:27

Put it into an account he has no access to.
It's from your aunt not to pay off his debts or to give his children!

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 14/12/2020 21:27

Sorry for your loss.
Take your time.
Whenever he suggests something, thank him for his suggestion and note it down. At some point you'll be ready to prioritise. Maybe you want to factor in what you think your aunt would approve of you spending it on, especially if she amassed it over her whole lifetime. Saving it is also an option of course.
It's not unusual to have mixed feelings on receiving an unexpected inheritance.

titchy · 14/12/2020 21:28

If the debt is in his name it's HIS debt. Why do people perpetuate the myth that if you're married you're responsible for your partners debts.

MrDarcyismines · 14/12/2020 21:30

@SweatyBetty20

Don’t rush it. I inherited £15k 10 years ago in very similar circumstances - childless cousin of my dad. It took me so much by surprise that I couldn’t think about spending it for a while. I’m single so I didn’t have any pressure to spend it though. I was determined to spend some of it on me on something I would remember him by. In the end, I put £5k into long term savings, £5k for house renovations, and £5k on an overseas trip that was way out of my comfort zone. That opened up a world of travelling, and every single time I look at a map or think about where to go next, I think about Michael and his wonderfully kind gesture.
This is beautiful.
DanielRicciardosSmile · 14/12/2020 21:30

Pay off the debt now, as the amount you'll save in not paying debit interest on that will hugely outweigh any credit interest you'd earn in a saving account. Then take your time deciding what to do with the remainder.

GrinchnotHinch · 14/12/2020 21:32

This happened to me, I received £9k when I was younger and I acted like your DH and completely frittered it away in the end. I could’ve had it as a house deposit with serious interest by now, and instead I’m struggling.

I think you’re doing the right thing by waiting, but it’s also sensible to pay of the debt, because if you’re married you’re also liable for the debt even if it’s just in his name unfortunately.

DianaT1969 · 14/12/2020 21:34

Do you have a pension OP? If you have lost the chance to save into a pension because you were raising children, then this could be a good use for it. If you give £500 to DC, they will likely fritter it away. Keep it for a rainy day.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 14/12/2020 21:38

How is your family finances? Does he share all he has with you or is it a case of what's his is his, but what's yours is also his?

Original poster
blessedfig · 14/12/2020 21:39

The debt is 0% so not increasing atm. The money went on something that only benefitted dh, but I'm not averse to paying it really but don't see it as urgent as long as it gets paid before the balance needs moving at some point next year I think.

Not at all sure about the rest - I like the pp's approach who split it up and would certainly like a less frugal holiday than usual at some point next year. But, to be honest, we've never been that great with money and my aunt was clearly very sensible and also generous throughout her life. I'd like to start with a different relationship with money and use this to kickstart that, tbh.I don't think that'll be seen an anything other than boring, though...

OP posts:
Bookriddle · 14/12/2020 21:40

Personally if i came into some money, i wouldnt hesitate in paying my wifes student loan off, we have joint finances so her loan comes out of our joint account, £174 a month! And she had this student loan way before we met!

NRE20 · 14/12/2020 21:40

Money aside, you’ve not had long to properly grieve the loss of your aunt if it’s recent, so take your time with that and let your partner know what you need in terms of support.
With the inheritance, sit on it for a while, to give you time to be in a better place when you work out how you want to spend, or invest it.
I would resent paying off my partner’s £3k debt, especially if he suggested it, rather than I volunteered to do it. I’m sure your aunt wanted you to have the money to spend on things that benefits you.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 14/12/2020 21:41

I wouldn't have told him. He's greedy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/12/2020 21:42

Sorry you’ve lost your aunt Flowers

Tell him to back right off, you don’t want to discuss it for say 3 months and he’s not to bring it up as you’re still coming to terms with her death. Graceless is right, as PP said. Good expression. He’s being really insensitive and a bit gross.

You don’t have to give any to his DC, it’s yours and they presumably didn’t know your aunt? He has no right to be mentally divvying it up like this.