Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To not agree with partner about inheritance

160 replies

blessedfig · 14/12/2020 21:16

I have just received an inheritance of about £20k. It was unexpected as I had no idea that my aunt had so much money (there was more that was divided equally between 3 of us). My aunt was very elderly and I moved about 4 hours away from our home town about 10 years ago. Since then I would only see her a few times a year, though we spoke regularly on the phone and exchanged letters. This year, for obvious reasons, I only saw her twice, the last time a good three months before she died as she died quite suddenly. I honestly don't think her death has sunk in at all - I'm used to not seeing her often and can't quite accept that I won't again. And now I have this money - more than I have ever had at one time - and I didn't even get to say thank you. I feel guilty about not seeing her more and guilty that the cousins who have also inherited saw her a lot more as they lived nearer, though there's no bad feeling on their part as far as I can see.

Now dh is acting like we've won the lottery. He wants to pay off a debt of around £3k he has (it's in his name and was accrued before our marriage, but all payments come from one pot in our house), and also wants to give he dc £500 each. I have no objection to this in principle, but they do have a lot of savings and don't need anything so I don't see it as a priority. He's also going on about various things we could do like redecorate a bathroom etc.

To be honest, I just want to leave it and think about it for a bit and not be rushed. I know he doesn't mean it like this but it's almost like he's happy she has passed as now we have this. I've told him to leave it but he does for a day or so and then starts up again.

Am I wrong to want a bit of time? We are comfortable but have to save for anything over a couple of hundred pounds and some of the things he's mentioning would be quite sensible and we do need, but I just don't want to be rushing in. AIBU?

OP posts:

LunaNorth · 15/12/2020 12:13

[quote SarahAndQuack]@LunaNorth - I am so very sorry. I got that very wrong. I've never heard someone use that phrase when they have already inherited money but probate hasn't gone through - I have quite often heard it used by people who mean 'I feel I deserve money from so-and-so'.[/quote]
That’s quite alright.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/12/2020 12:55

You are married. You pay towards his loan from joint account

Pay the debt off

What was it @blessedfig. That Dh got into debt for

How old are your joint kids .

I would if you , pay £3k off. Leaving £17

Leave £2k in bank for what if,s. And £15k in premium bonds while you decide

Feedingthebirds1 · 15/12/2020 13:00

Invariably, if the man is the one coming into the money the majority of responses are that it is family money; if the woman is the one coming into the money the majority of responses are that it is her money.

Each situation is different, and in this case I don't agree. If a woman posted that her DH/DP had unexpectedly inherited £20,000 from a relative he loved, and she wanted to start spending it immediately and had a shopping list of everything she wanted to do with it, but her DH/DP wanted to take a bit of time for it to sink in that his relative had gone, I would very much hope (and do suspect) that she'd be told to back off.

The OP isn't saying that she won't spend a penny of it on anyone but herself. She just wants time, and not be pushed into spending it right now to someone else's agenda. Meanwhile her DH is completely and insensitively ignoring the reasons she's got the money, and going whoopie doo we're rich. Which is not on.

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2020 14:03

I think in a healthy Marriage putting money into your super is a family money action. I don’t think the op has any real non family money plans for the money, just not to fritter it away nor to party on her relatives grave with it.

MrsClatterbuck · 15/12/2020 14:09

I think the free standing cupboard sounds a lovely idea and would be an everyday reminder of your Aunt. You could pay off the debt and then the money used each month to pay it off you could save for the bathroom if you wanted to.

PerveenMistry · 15/12/2020 14:30

@Feedingthebirds1

Exactly.

It's hers to save or spend as she sees fit. It's not "theirs." Even legally, inheritance money is treated differently than wages and other assets.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/12/2020 14:38

If the £3K debt is 0% interest, there’s no urgent reason to pay it off- unless it’s going to start accruing interest soon. Take your time and think about what you’d like to do with the inheritance, OP, it sounds as if you’ll be happier with your decision . I’m similar, I like to mull things over for a bit.

ForeverAintEnough · 15/12/2020 15:16

@Feedingthebirds1 @PerveenMistry
That’s not the comparator though. It’s if a woman came in said

My DH inherited 20k. I’d love to use some of the money to pay off a small loan I have and add to our children’s savings. My DH says it’s his money and I’m grabby and insensitive.

I’m pretty sure the DH would be destroyed for not even wanting to give a little of the money to his own children and called selfish.

Feedingthebirds1 · 15/12/2020 15:38

[quote ForeverAintEnough]**@Feedingthebirds1* @PerveenMistry*
That’s not the comparator though. It’s if a woman came in said

My DH inherited 20k. I’d love to use some of the money to pay off a small loan I have and add to our children’s savings. My DH says it’s his money and I’m grabby and insensitive.

I’m pretty sure the DH would be destroyed for not even wanting to give a little of the money to his own children and called selfish.[/quote]
That might be true. In fact it almost certainly is. But as that's not what the OP is saying, it doesn't apply in this case. (a) Because she wants some time to process it, (b) because her DH is spending it without even discussing it with her and (c) because she hasn't said that she's keeping it all to herself.

Now if the DH in your scenario was going to buy himself a Harley and wasn't going to do anything for the family even if there were things the family needed, then yes you're right.

Waspie · 15/12/2020 16:33

I'm in the same position OP. My aunt died earlier this year and I'm her executor and one of the beneficiaries. I feel fairly guilty about inheriting a share of her estate but on the other hand I know that she wanted me to have it. I've applied for probate but it's not yet granted. Her house is on the market.

I feel awful when the estate agent rings and tells me there is an offer. She's had five so far but I'm procrastinating with accepting one. Guilt again I think. I want it to be sold to the nicest person who will love her house and look after it but I have no way of knowing who that is. I'm torn and the EA is frustrated with me. I know I have to accept one and get on with it because I'm not the only beneficiary and the estate has to be disbursed eventually.

I don't know how I'll feel when I disburse her estate and a large amount of money drops into my bank account. Probably even more guilty than I feel now! I haven't really decided what to do with any of it, so the advice on this thread has been helpful to me, except that we (DP, DS & I) are going to go on a city break to Rome - my aunt's favourite place and lift a glass or two in her honour.

I think the best advice on here is to take your time and don't make any hasty decisions. Certainly don't let your DP spend it before you have grieved.

flowers] for you and for everyone on this thread who has lost a loved one.

Waspie · 15/12/2020 16:35

Buttercream22 · 15/12/2020 16:48

My DP inherited a similar amount when his gran died. As far as I was concerned, that was his inheritance to do as he wished with. DP being the man he his, said that his inheritance was ours and together we decided to put some towards the house, savings etc.

That being said, your DH needs to give you space and time to decide what you would like to do.

Original poster

blessedfig · 15/12/2020 17:29

Thanks, Waspie, for sharing that. It's good to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

Yes, I feel like some posters are responding to other posters who've said I shouldn't share the money at all, rather than to what I actually said. I almost certainly will pay the debt but I'm not hurrying as there's currently no interest. As for the dc, I really don't see the point. They both have about £4k in savings and have everything they need. If we give them £500 more what difference will it make? None. I have thought about giving them a smaller amount and telling them to buy something in her memory, but the fact is, there's nothing they need and, sad as it is, I do think to them she was 'just' an elderly relative they saw occasionally. I think ds1 would feel obliged to get something appropriate and wouldn't be able to think of anything and would stress over it, and ds2 would want to get £100 worth of Robux, which would piss me off. If we were hard up and there was lots they wanted and couldn't have that would be different and I want them to get a treat, but that's not the case and, while not spoilt, there's no big ticket item either of them has been yearning for. If we end up on a holiday they'll benefit from that, and they will of course benefit from savings if I leave a lot there in the long run. To me, that's a better use of the money than kids having it for the sake of it. It's not about not wanting to share with them - they're my kids and get about 90% of everything I have anyway .

Any money I save will be in a joint account and will therefore benefit the family, including dh. I would feel very odd keeping it all to myself and it's not about that at all.

OP posts:

SinisterBumFacedCat · 15/12/2020 23:38

I think it’s fair to pay off the debt, if there’s no interest on it presumably it’s a student debt, possible whatever it paid for has benefitted the family, even if it was from before you met. And it still leaves a significant amount for you to bank and ponder over.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/12/2020 23:50

I would put it into Premium Bonds and any winnings you could put towards dh’s debt.

fitzwilliamsquare · 15/12/2020 23:57

''It is your money and it's perfectly reasonable to say you want to leave it a while before you spend any of it.''

I love how in all these threads over inheritances/windfalls etc. given to the wife is ''your money'' but when it's the husband's it's strictly ''their money''.

Womencanlift · 16/12/2020 00:02

OP I have read your recent update and you have said you will pay off his debt but did your aunt save all her life just to pay off her niece’s husbands debt?

I get that you probably don’t think that way which is fair but guess I am on a different page than most posters as to me having joint/family money is NOT the sign of a healthy relationship at all.

MN regularly scares me when I see so many posts from people with no financial independence. But maybe that’s my experience of working for a financial advisor coming through.

If I had the opportunity to make my own future secure I would be doing that - you never know what the future holds.

Topseyt · 16/12/2020 01:26

@missbipolar

The OP says "he children" not their children if they were their children why put He which would imply his children not joint children?

You obviously haven't bothered to read the thread before posting your very nasty and unwarranted "advice."

OP clearly acknowledged the typo and clarified that they are her children too.

OP, I think you are right to take your time here. Don't let yourself be hurried into a decision. Personally, I'd invest the money in an ISA, but that is just my personal preference.

My DH inherited a decent sum from the sale of his mother's house a few years ago, as did his two siblings. I considered it his money and did not try to influence how it was used. He decided to put a chunk into reducing our mortgage, cleared some debt and we all went on a couple of good family holidays with the rest.

You are clearly planning how to use the money to the best advantage for your family. It is bad form for your DH to be badgering you though and if it were me I would just have to tell him bluntly how hurtful and inappropriate he was being.

I suspect he is just being thoughtless, impatient and overexcited. He needs to stop though. You aren't ready.

PerveenMistry · 16/12/2020 01:47

@Womencanlift

OP I have read your recent update and you have said you will pay off his debt but did your aunt save all her life just to pay off her niece’s husbands debt?

I get that you probably don’t think that way which is fair but guess I am on a different page than most posters as to me having joint/family money is NOT the sign of a healthy relationship at all.

MN regularly scares me when I see so many posts from people with no financial independence. But maybe that’s my experience of working for a financial advisor coming through.

If I had the opportunity to make my own future secure I would be doing that - you never know what the future holds.

Yes, I keep thinking of it from the godmother's point of view. Her life savings used for mundane expenses. Sad.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/12/2020 10:23

It doesn’t make financial sense to pay off a 0% interest loan.

Once clear of this loan is he likely to start spending and run up more debt

The money seems to be burnin a hole in his pocket and once the loan has been paid off I think he will have other stuf he want you to do with the money and wear you down till it is all gone.
He doesn’t sound very bright with finances
The best thing you can do is tell him No now and keep the money in something like Premium Bonds.
Untill you have decided what to do

Why is the only money you save in the joint account?

Have a nice holiday and buy yourself the larder but keep the rest as a buffer and maybe start to save in your own name only

PB aren’t the best return on your money but the amount you would have together with any savings would probably pay more than the current account

Calmandmeasured1 · 17/12/2020 10:27

Open a separate account for it in your name only. Then leave it there for a while. It's really graceless of him to push you on this.
This.

billy1966 · 17/12/2020 11:09

OP,

Sorry for your loss.
She sounds like she was a lovely woman.

Definitely no rush to spend it.
I can well imagine you feeling uncomfortable at your husband rubbing his hands in glee. Really crass.

I think savings are a wonderful comfort to have.

The dresser sounds like a nice idea but
I would put the rest of the money in an account and leave it there.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 17/12/2020 11:56

I think it’s really important to pay off the debt first. 0% or not it would be a weight off you both to get rid of it. And it’s a fraction of the amount. Save the rest until you decide. Don’t feel guilty about spending it, your Aunt would want you to be happy and secure.

Weirdfan · 17/12/2020 12:12

Whatever you do with the money you need to speak to your DH and point out how insensitive he's being over the loss of your relative. Tell him you're finding his attitude to both her death and the money upsetting and that he needs to back off and let you process everything before you'll know what you want to do. If he needs further reminders then (I'd hope not) you can point out that the more he pesters the less headspace you have to process and the longer it will take you to decide.

I would also have to mention how unattractive it is that he's putting greed before your grief, I think it would give me the ick if my DH behaved like that. Sorry for your loss OP, hope you get the breathing space you need

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/12/2020 12:28

SinisterBumFacedCat
My worry would be that he would just go and run up another debt and expect blessedfig to pay that off as well.

He seems to think the money has to be gotten rid of very quickly. He is already pressuring her to spend it.

I don’t think that his 0% interest loan was weighing heavy on blessedfig’s mind

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread