To not agree with partner about inheritance

[blessedfig]

I have just received an inheritance of about £20k. It was unexpected as I had no idea that my aunt had so much money (there was more that was divided equally between 3 of us). My aunt was very elderly and I moved about 4 hours away from our home town about 10 years ago. Since then I would only see her a few times a year, though we spoke regularly on the phone and exchanged letters. This year, for obvious reasons, I only saw her twice, the last time a good three months before she died as she died quite suddenly. I honestly don't think her death has sunk in at all - I'm used to not seeing her often and can't quite accept that I won't again. And now I have this money - more than I have ever had at one time - and I didn't even get to say thank you. I feel guilty about not seeing her more and guilty that the cousins who have also inherited saw her a lot more as they lived nearer, though there's no bad feeling on their part as far as I can see.

Now dh is acting like we've won the lottery. He wants to pay off a debt of around £3k he has (it's in his name and was accrued before our marriage, but all payments come from one pot in our house), and also wants to give he dc £500 each. I have no objection to this in principle, but they do have a lot of savings and don't need anything so I don't see it as a priority. He's also going on about various things we could do like redecorate a bathroom etc.

To be honest, I just want to leave it and think about it for a bit and not be rushed. I know he doesn't mean it like this but it's almost like he's happy she has passed as now we have this. I've told him to leave it but he does for a day or so and then starts up again.

Am I wrong to want a bit of time? We are comfortable but have to save for anything over a couple of hundred pounds and some of the things he's mentioning would be quite sensible and we do need, but I just don't want to be rushing in. AIBU?

@Oliversmumsarmy

SinisterBumFacedCat My worry would be that he would just go and run up another debt and expect blessedfig to pay that off as well.

He seems to think the money has to be gotten rid of very quickly. He is already pressuring her to spend it.

I don’t think that his 0% interest loan was weighing heavy on blessedfig’s mind

This is my worry too. Some people can't stand to have a pot of money (or credit) without spending it.

Your bank would class you as a ‘potentially vulnerable customs’ and would advocate taking time to let the reality of the situation sink in.

I’m sorry for your loss, and hope you find something lovely to remember your aunt by with the money.

@Oliversmumsarmy

SinisterBumFacedCat My worry would be that he would just go and run up another debt and expect blessedfig to pay that off as well.

He seems to think the money has to be gotten rid of very quickly. He is already pressuring her to spend it.

I don’t think that his 0% interest loan was weighing heavy on blessedfig’s mind

He’s got a 0% debt of 3,000 from before they were married, what is the national average debt per household now days, £20k? He is hardly going to be straight down the bookies. If you can pay it off and it barely makes a dent then paying a debt off would be my first thing.

Her life savings used for mundane expenses. Sad.

Most expenses in life are mundane. If it were me, I'd much rather be able to help with something mundane like enabling my loved ones to become debt-free, wipe a big chunk off their mortgage etc. than blow it all on a bender to Vegas. The holiday would be great, but it's nothing more than memories two weeks later. Paying off debt/mortgage could bring peace of mind and security/a much easier life for years or even decades.

As for those asking if she would have wanted her money to pay off her niece's husband's debt, they're obviously married and share money - and have been paying it off as a joint expense - so its pointless suggesting that he will benefit at her expense. As has been said, £3K is hardly profligate or unusual. It's been amassed on/moved to a 0% deal whilst they've been paying it down - hardly the behaviour of somebody with serious money control problems. For all we know, he could have taken out the debt to buy her an expensive engagement ring or a car which they both used/still use.

He needs to give her space to grieve and respect her feelings right now, but a lot of people can genuinely simultaneously separate the feelings of grief for a loved one from the practicalities of the money that the person has left and and how best to use it, without any feelings of disrespect or lack of love for their loved one. In itself, money is an impersonal tool, whose very raison d'etre is to be constantly transferred between people - it's in no way like, say, instantly going through her handbag or treasured photo albums and deciding what you want to keep or chuck there on the spot.

Exactly, I would think most significant inheritances go towards a deposit on a house, mundane but pretty life changing too.

He’s got a 0% debt of 3,000 from before they were married, what is the national average debt per household now days, £20k? He is hardly going to be straight down the bookies

The fact he wants to pay off his debt and give the children £500 each you must be able to see if blessedfig did these things it wouldn’t be the end of it till the money had gone. He is spending it in his mind.
He’s already got her to pay off the debt.

I know a couple who money burns a hole in theirs pockets. They have blasted through much bigger inheritances (plural) than this and all without going anywhere near a bookies or even a pub.

The fact he wants to pay off his debt and give the children £500 each you must be able to see if blessedfig did these things it wouldn’t be the end of it till the money had gone. He is spending it in his mind.
He’s already got her to pay off the debt.

I know a couple who money burns a hole in theirs pockets. They have blasted through much bigger inheritances (plural) than this and all without going anywhere near a bookies or even a pub.

That's a real reach - you don't know the couple at all. The debt might have been for something sensible or for something frivolous, but if you get married and share your finances, that means that individual debt becomes family debt. How do you know that he isn't by far the major earner? Why is she paying off his debt from their joint income?

He might be being slightly insensitive, but I don't think anybody on here can have any grounds to write him off as being useless with money and intending to take her whole inheritance: they're just wild projections presented as virtual fact.

The couple you know sound irresponsible, but there's nothing whatsoever to suggest that he is anything like them at all. It isn't unusual or wrong to look at money coming into the household and consider how best to use it to benefit the family and rationalise the family finances.

Blessedfig has already said they aren’t very good with money so I don’t think advising her to pay off a 0% interest loan instead of putting all the money away in PBs or a high interest account (if there is such a thing) is financially more astute.
Otherwise just on the loan and the children 20% has gone on stuff that doesn’t really benefit anyone.

No point paying off a 0% loan, it's not costing you anything. If you're not struggling then you're best off investing the bulk of it towards retirement and paying the loan off as you already were. The kids can have £500 each from your normal income once loan is repaid.

Unless you've got a substantial amount sitting in the bank already frittering it is stupid.

Blessedfig has already said they aren’t very good with money so I don’t think advising her to pay off a 0% interest loan instead of putting all the money away in PBs or a high interest account (if there is such a thing) is financially more astute.

There's 'not very good' and 'appallingly profligate', though.

I do agree with you on the loan, though - as long as it's 0%, keep the money in your own account and not theirs! There's nothing stopping you from earmarking it in a savings account for your own peace of mind, so you can consider it effectively 'paid' as long as you don't touch it, but I wouldn't rush to pay back the lender - assuming it's a bank, company or government body etc. and not a friend/family/other individual who has kindly loaned you the money on informal terms as a favour.