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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree with partner about inheritance

160 replies

blessedfig · 14/12/2020 21:16

I have just received an inheritance of about £20k. It was unexpected as I had no idea that my aunt had so much money (there was more that was divided equally between 3 of us). My aunt was very elderly and I moved about 4 hours away from our home town about 10 years ago. Since then I would only see her a few times a year, though we spoke regularly on the phone and exchanged letters. This year, for obvious reasons, I only saw her twice, the last time a good three months before she died as she died quite suddenly. I honestly don't think her death has sunk in at all - I'm used to not seeing her often and can't quite accept that I won't again. And now I have this money - more than I have ever had at one time - and I didn't even get to say thank you. I feel guilty about not seeing her more and guilty that the cousins who have also inherited saw her a lot more as they lived nearer, though there's no bad feeling on their part as far as I can see.

Now dh is acting like we've won the lottery. He wants to pay off a debt of around £3k he has (it's in his name and was accrued before our marriage, but all payments come from one pot in our house), and also wants to give he dc £500 each. I have no objection to this in principle, but they do have a lot of savings and don't need anything so I don't see it as a priority. He's also going on about various things we could do like redecorate a bathroom etc.

To be honest, I just want to leave it and think about it for a bit and not be rushed. I know he doesn't mean it like this but it's almost like he's happy she has passed as now we have this. I've told him to leave it but he does for a day or so and then starts up again.

Am I wrong to want a bit of time? We are comfortable but have to save for anything over a couple of hundred pounds and some of the things he's mentioning would be quite sensible and we do need, but I just don't want to be rushing in. AIBU?

OP posts:
Brighterthansunflowers · 14/12/2020 22:05

YANBU

I think it’s natural to have mixed feelings about an inheritance and want time to process those feelings before making decisions on what to spend it on

If you have no urgent need for it right now, park it in a savings account (in your sole name) and agree to revisit it in a few months. Don’t make any promises about what you’ll spend it on, especially to the kids (are they just his kids or yours too?) and don’t let him do that either.

NewYearNewPlumbing · 14/12/2020 22:06

Sorry about the loss of your aunt Flowers

Your DH needs to back off with his grand designs on the money.

That doesn’t mean that you won’t, when you are ready, spend it on the joint family good, the bathroom or whatever, but fair enough to grieve and reflect for a while and consider a way of using the money that feels right, given the way it was left to you.

£20k will disappear very quickly.

TeaAndHobnob · 14/12/2020 22:07

Yanbu.

I would open a new bank account in your name only and put the money in there for now to keep it safe and not be tempted to spend.

Then just leave it there for six months, don't make any decisions about what to do with it while you are grieving.

Once those six months are up you may find you are in no hurry to spend it. You may want to put it in your children's names, or invest it. Main thing is, there is no hurry, so don't be rushed.

Unsure33 · 14/12/2020 22:08

Sorry for your loss. I agree put the money away for a while .

What about things like a motorhome to buy yourself happy memories?

And at the same time save money on holidays ?

Have a think about it don’t rush .

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/12/2020 22:11

I think it depends on how’s finances are set up in a couple.

If each paying 50/50 then it’s none of the other persons business what happens to it. If one is paying more of the daily costs then the lower earner should share any extra they come into having taken money from the other so only fair to share back.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 22:11

OP I think I get where you're coming from, it's not that you don't want to do those things necessarily, it's more that he's suddenly jumped on you to do the things he wants immediately with no thought to properly discussing it.

There's a sense of entitlement and it being a get out of jail free card he can't wait to cash in in quite a cold way, when you just want some breathing space to think about what to do next.

It's him pouncing with a plan almost unilaterally that would annoy me. Is that how you're feeling?

Sorry about your auntie by the way Thanks

movingonup20 · 14/12/2020 22:12

I would pay off the debt then put the money in a separate account until after new year and have a think about what you want to do, bar perhaps a few hundred for something you both want (emphasis on both)

caringcarer · 14/12/2020 22:13

When someone you loves dies suddenly and they leave you something you know they worked hard for all their lives it feels wrong to spend it quickly. Open an account in your own name and take your time on deciding what to do about it. You could invest it and not spend it if that is what you want. Your Aunt left it to you not you and your dh.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/12/2020 22:14

Firstly, grieve for your aunt if you need to.
And take your time to think. This is your decision. Not his.
I've had one or two unexpected windfalls over the years not large but spent on what were at the time "emergencies" and now have nothing to show for it and I am so cross with myself for not saving,
Please don't pay off someone else's debt. Credit card debt has a way of creeping back up again.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/12/2020 22:15

Take as much time as you need. There is no deadline.
I haven’t spent the money yet that I inherited from my mother when she died twenty years ago. It’s my fund for last ditch emergency. And I enjoy watching it grow.

Londonmummy66 · 14/12/2020 22:18

Bank £17k and spend £3k on something for you

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 14/12/2020 22:24

Yanbu to want more time to decide, why all of the back story? You make it out to be more complicated than it is. Tell him you need time.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 14/12/2020 22:24

He needs to shut up about the money and let you grieve. You’ve lost someone you loved and don’t want to think about spending money on bathrooms or whatever at the moment.

Don’t feel guilty though. Your Aunt wanted you to have this money and when the time feels right you can choose what to do with the money.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 14/12/2020 22:24

Ohhh this is a wwyd dream thread.

OneEpisode · 14/12/2020 22:26

Must a human died. Not a good dream.

LunaNorth · 14/12/2020 22:27

@SarahAndQuack

I really like your idea of using your aunt's own habits to inspire how you treat the money.

I was struck by the poster who said they were 'due to inherit' money had had planned how to use it - your DH sounds like that. Treating money as entitlement you're 'due'. It's not a nice attitude and TBH, I bet that's why he's in debt.

I think you need to sit him down for a conversation about money. You obviously want the situation in your own marriage to change. But more than that, you need to have a conversation about emotions. It comes across so clearly in your OP how much you see this as an emotional issue, and you obviously cared for your aunt. He's acting as if her leaving you money is a wonderful thing. That's tactless at best. I think point out to him you are still grieving. FWIW, I see my own parents a 'few times a year'. We live a long way apart. It seems to me you are describing a fairly close relationship. He should respect that.

If you mean me, I lost both of my parents in the past year, devastatingly.

I’m ‘due’ to inherit, as in, I’ve been informed of the will, and the inheritance is going through probate as I type.

Hope that doesn’t offend your sensibilities too much.

UniversalAunt · 14/12/2020 22:28

Your Aunt left the money to you, NOT to both of you.

Put it away in your name.
Grieve for you aunt & be thankful for her thoughtfulness.
When you are ready, decide what to do with your money.

That debt is his, not yours.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 22:28

@OneEpisode

Must a human died. Not a good dream.
Bit insensitive considering someone died!
Brown76 · 14/12/2020 22:30

I think you should park this in premium bonds for six months to a year first. I love your idea of starting a new relationship with money. To help you mull this over you might want to look at Dave Ramsay/7 Baby Steps, Meaningful Money, MamaFurFur, MrMoneyMustache or SmartPurse.Com (all on YouTube) to see some ideas about how to use this windfall to benefit your family long term and honour your aunts memory.

Pikachubaby · 14/12/2020 22:30

He is being very insensitive and I’d fell quite put out by his naked greed Sad

Give him his “share” if he absolutely can’t wait and won’t shut up, and tell him to back off (but I fear I could really fall out of love over such a greedy attitude)

Oly4 · 14/12/2020 22:31

If you don’t have savings you need to put it in savings for if one if you loses your job

beavisandbutthead · 14/12/2020 22:33

My Dh inherited a similar amount and as far as i was concerned it was his money. I didnt sit there when he was grieving his grandmother rubbing my hands in glee thinking how it could pay off 'my' debt. Shocking. My DH did use it for the family btw

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/12/2020 22:43

Going against the grain here, but I’m due to inherit soon, and I see it as family money, for me and DH.

I can’t imagine squirrelling it away in my own account and not sharing. We’re married

I'm in the same position as you. We're married, we share joint money, I am the blood relation, so the share is coming to me and thus straight to my family.

We've had times before when one of us has inherited money and times when one of us has earned a lot more than the other. It's all just family money, wherever it came from. Is this another MN trope where what's his belongs to everybody but what's hers is hers alone?

Also, I wouldn't expect to be whooping with joy, considering where the money has come from; but I don't actually see any disrespect in being a bit excited about this. Your beloved relative has died and nothing could have changed that; and as a separate issue, their money and belongings are no longer any use to them - they had as much chance as they could to use them and there are now some left over that they have no need for - so why wouldn't you be happy?They know no different now and, as they actually willed you their money/goods for after they'd gone, they'd want you to benefit materially and be glad about it, surely? I know I would. It's their one big final gift that they can give to you - and most people give to their loved ones because they want them to be happy.

cdtaylornats · 14/12/2020 22:47

It is your money

If they have a normal marriage and had normal wedding vows - it is their money.

timeisnotaline · 14/12/2020 22:48
  1. Grieve. Tell your dh you need time.
We share finances but dh would totally go with my sensible thinking on something like this (my parents gave us money from my grandma which just went straight onto our home loan)
  1. Is your pension lower than dhs due to family based career decisions? If so, I would pay half into my pension.
  2. Pay dhs debt. Have a plan to save the money you would have put into paying it off each month and come summer you will start to plan something fun you can do with it.
  3. Not sure I would give any to dc, if they don’t need it and you do.
  4. Perhaps a quarter on something you really wanted done around the house?
Then consider holidays, shares, a lovely item that would remind you of your aunt.