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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree with partner about inheritance

160 replies

blessedfig · 14/12/2020 21:16

I have just received an inheritance of about £20k. It was unexpected as I had no idea that my aunt had so much money (there was more that was divided equally between 3 of us). My aunt was very elderly and I moved about 4 hours away from our home town about 10 years ago. Since then I would only see her a few times a year, though we spoke regularly on the phone and exchanged letters. This year, for obvious reasons, I only saw her twice, the last time a good three months before she died as she died quite suddenly. I honestly don't think her death has sunk in at all - I'm used to not seeing her often and can't quite accept that I won't again. And now I have this money - more than I have ever had at one time - and I didn't even get to say thank you. I feel guilty about not seeing her more and guilty that the cousins who have also inherited saw her a lot more as they lived nearer, though there's no bad feeling on their part as far as I can see.

Now dh is acting like we've won the lottery. He wants to pay off a debt of around £3k he has (it's in his name and was accrued before our marriage, but all payments come from one pot in our house), and also wants to give he dc £500 each. I have no objection to this in principle, but they do have a lot of savings and don't need anything so I don't see it as a priority. He's also going on about various things we could do like redecorate a bathroom etc.

To be honest, I just want to leave it and think about it for a bit and not be rushed. I know he doesn't mean it like this but it's almost like he's happy she has passed as now we have this. I've told him to leave it but he does for a day or so and then starts up again.

Am I wrong to want a bit of time? We are comfortable but have to save for anything over a couple of hundred pounds and some of the things he's mentioning would be quite sensible and we do need, but I just don't want to be rushing in. AIBU?

OP posts:
Billben · 15/12/2020 07:26

@missbipolar

He's a cunt if he thinks YOUR money Should go to HIS children. I'd actually be seriously rethinking the relationship- especially since he seems to want other people to provide for his children.
Blimey, I didn’t realise that DC were HIS.

He is taking the piss and I would be putting my foot down. How grabby and crass of him. I hate it when people are eager to spend other people’s money.

Do not put the money into a joint account OP.

DisneyMillie · 15/12/2020 07:40

I’d sit on it a while and maybe revisit in 6 months when you’re both used to the fact you have it and it’s not such a novelty - at the moment I guess it’s a bit like winning the lottery for him and he’s lost sight of the grief aspect.

And I agree with a PP - it’s not automatically joint money just because you’re married. Even if you divorced it doesn’t work like that - debt before marriage is treated differently as is money you came into the marriage with and inheritances. I certainly don’t regard the money my nan left me pre marriage as family money - it’s my future security and having had one divorce and one marriage turn from “perfect” to a disaster pretty much overnight (in my eyes) I think it’s always good to have a little “just in case” money - I know that’s cynical though!

readytoretire · 15/12/2020 07:41

Billben- read the thread - they are the OPs children too. Reading these responses I do wonder what people would be saying if it was dh who had inherited the money. I doubt so many would be saying it's his and he can do what he likes with it especially if the family are generally quite short of cash. Having said that I do think his timing is quite insensitive.

Dizzy1234 · 15/12/2020 07:45

You could stick it in a pension fund and make 20% tax relief or piss it up the wall - I vote for the former, boring but safe and it makes you money

HoppyHop · 15/12/2020 07:52

So sorry for the loss of your aunt Thanks.

We are in a similar situation but the money was left to my DH. As far as I'm concerned it is his inheritance to decide where it is spent, not mine. As it is he wants to give some to the DC's as they don't have much savings and wants us to go travelling in a few years (big birthdays looming!) so I'm thinking I will benefit Wink.
Your DH needs to back off and give you time to think.

Veterinari · 15/12/2020 08:05

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

If you really can't see he is a sponger tell him you are gifting half to a dcat charity. Watch his face fall... It's your cash if that was truly your wish... He saw you coming op..
Christ their are some unpleasant posts on this thread.

In what way is he a 'sponger' for wanting to clear a debt currently being paid out of their household finances, and for wanting to give their children a gift?

It's hardly extravagant or selfish spending is it?

Yes spending the money is something they need to discuss jointly when the OP is ready but there's no evidence her DH is grabby sponging, or anything else.

Veterinari · 15/12/2020 08:07

@missbipolar

He's a cunt if he thinks YOUR money Should go to HIS children. I'd actually be seriously rethinking the relationship- especially since he seems to want other people to provide for his children.
Except @missbipolar the OP clearly says the children are theirs. So maybe rtft before giving unpleasant and inaccurate 'advice'
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 15/12/2020 08:08

The debt had nothing to do with the op....

missbipolar · 15/12/2020 08:09

The OP says "he children" not their children if they were their children why put He which would imply his children not joint children?

Eckhart · 15/12/2020 08:13

Sorry - stupid typo in the OP is a missing 't' and they're our dc not just his

Quote from OP, @missbipolar

As PP said, rtft before getting nasty. Or, rtft and then still don't get nasty.

ChnandlerBong · 15/12/2020 08:22

some very polarised opinions on here?

not sure anything is ever so black and white...

personally i think i would pay off his debt and then pause. I would put money in an account in my sole name and consider my options.

When my Mum died and I inherited some money I took time to choose myself a new ring - slightly fancier than my others. The rest of the money may have gone on boring famkily stuff but I wear that ring every day and think of her.

PerveenMistry · 15/12/2020 08:30

"Something made me keep the card she sent last year and I put it up at the weekend which dh said was morbid. I think that's what's made me post last night - he's being a bit of a dick about the whole thing ".

What an insensitive ass. Keep the card forever and display as you wish.

This is YOUR money, not a marital asset. Let him continue to pay off his own debt. Your godmother wanted YOU to benefit. Set it aside and don't let him squander it out from under you.

PerveenMistry · 15/12/2020 08:31

@Grooticle

You know, it’s an amount of money that could either be frittered away (a few nicer holidays, some redecorating, and it’s all gone), or could be life-changing (train for a new job? Move house? Pay for a child to go to university?). When you’ve experienced a bereavement is no time to be making those decisions. My DH inherited an unexpected lump sum and was strongly advised by the bereavement counsellor to wait one year before making any decisions, as emotions run so high after a death. So I think in your shoes I’d stick the money in a one year locked account. Tell DH that you are still very upset about your aunt, that you’ve put the money away until you can think clearly, and that you don’t want to discuss it again for a year.

I wonder if he’s ever had a bereavement? I think most people underestimate how awful they are, and how long it takes to deal with it, until they’ve gone through it.

This is excellent advice.

Gazelda · 15/12/2020 08:33

An aunt of mine died 2 years ago. We were very close, I adored her. She left me some money and I immediately knew that I wanted to buy a really cosy, comfortable armchair that I could curl up in while thinking of her. Just for me.

The rest of the money will be spent on redecorating our sitting room with the style centred around the chair.

My DH knows about and is supportive of my plan. I'm sure he could think of other ways to spend the money, but he is quite clear that the money is mine to do what I want with.

I've still not found the right chair, but the money is in premium bonds while I search. Meanwhile, the redecoration can wait.

And I've had a couple of premium bond wins which has increased the redecoration fund!

PerveenMistry · 15/12/2020 08:35

And don't put it in a joint account. Open a new, separate one in your name only.

altiara · 15/12/2020 09:19

The law says it’s your money not family money. There’s nothing to stop you thinking of it as family money, but also nothing to stop you taking the time to grieve and decide how to make the most of this gift.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

SarahAndQuack · 15/12/2020 09:35

@LunaNorth - I am so very sorry. I got that very wrong. I've never heard someone use that phrase when they have already inherited money but probate hasn't gone through - I have quite often heard it used by people who mean 'I feel I deserve money from so-and-so'.

Cyw2018 · 15/12/2020 09:48

If you really do want to start a new relationship with money then I would suggest

  1. £1500 off your DH debt (as you say it was accumulated before you were married and benefiting him so this is a generous gift), but do this on the condition that he saves the other £1500 within a specified time frame to clear the debt completely.
  1. Spend a couple of thousand on a nice holiday and a couple of thousand on specific house projects, but you need to decide a budget for these spends and stick to it.
  1. The rest, put a couple of thousand in to a fairly easy access savings account as an emergency fund, and the rest into long term savings/investments. This however isn't as easy as it was previously as interest rates are non existent and funding circle aren't taking new investments at the moment. But look at things like property partner and talk to a financial advisor.
ShatnersWig · 15/12/2020 09:58

readytoretire I do think the DH is not coming across in the best light but I tend to agree with you. I have seen many, many threads on the subject of inheritance on MN over the years. There was one a couple of weeks ago. Invariably, if the man is the one coming into the money the majority of responses are that it is family money; if the woman is the one coming into the money the majority of responses are that it is her money.

ForeverAintEnough · 15/12/2020 09:59

People on mumsnet are very funny about inheritance money. My DH inherited a large 6 figure sum after losing a parent and he immediately paid of my 20k student debt and put the remainder in a joint savings bond in both our names.

Of course it’s his money and I didn’t think it was mine and I wouldn’t have asked him to pay off my debt but I would’ve thought a lot less of him if he had said it’s his only and not cared about whether I was struggling to pay off debt while he sat on his riches. Luckily he does care about me and ascribes to the ‘what’s mine is yours’ view of marriage as do I.

Of course you are entitled to take as much time to decide what to do with the money as you want but we treat financial issues as joint issues in our house.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 15/12/2020 10:32

@missbipolar

He's a cunt if he thinks YOUR money Should go to HIS children. I'd actually be seriously rethinking the relationship- especially since he seems to want other people to provide for his children.
Calm down. RTFT. They're the OP's DC too.
FuriousCheekyFucker · 15/12/2020 10:48

@missbipolar

He's a cunt if he thinks YOUR money Should go to HIS children. I'd actually be seriously rethinking the relationship- especially since he seems to want other people to provide for his children.
You're a cunt for not reading the thread.
Doingitaloneandproud · 15/12/2020 10:54

@ShatnersWig

readytoretire I do think the DH is not coming across in the best light but I tend to agree with you. I have seen many, many threads on the subject of inheritance on MN over the years. There was one a couple of weeks ago. Invariably, if the man is the one coming into the money the majority of responses are that it is family money; if the woman is the one coming into the money the majority of responses are that it is her money.
I agree with this, if roles were reversed no doubt the DH would be seen as selfish for not sharing the inheritance by the majority of posters. The OP said money goes into a family pot so why is this not also included, and if it isn't that's completely fair enough as long as if your DH gets an inheritance you would be happy for it to be just his.
Di11y · 15/12/2020 11:03

Sounds to me it's more about wanting to wait until you've grieved before spending the money rather than what he wants to spend it on.

Put it by and give it a few months. Just forget about it. My Grandad left me a similar sum but it was already invested as was left in trust til I turned 30. I left it there for 5 more years til i felt I had something 'worthy' to spend it on.

Cam77 · 15/12/2020 11:23

“has (it's in his name and was accrued before our marriage, but all payments come from one pot in our house), and also wants to give he dc £500 each.“

The first spent would be reasonable surely. As you’ve said you are financially a team with shared kids. Having debt hanging over you ain’t nice which is maybe why he jumped the shark there. The second I wouldn’t do and he’s cheeky to suggest it.

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