Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree with partner about inheritance

160 replies

blessedfig · 14/12/2020 21:16

I have just received an inheritance of about £20k. It was unexpected as I had no idea that my aunt had so much money (there was more that was divided equally between 3 of us). My aunt was very elderly and I moved about 4 hours away from our home town about 10 years ago. Since then I would only see her a few times a year, though we spoke regularly on the phone and exchanged letters. This year, for obvious reasons, I only saw her twice, the last time a good three months before she died as she died quite suddenly. I honestly don't think her death has sunk in at all - I'm used to not seeing her often and can't quite accept that I won't again. And now I have this money - more than I have ever had at one time - and I didn't even get to say thank you. I feel guilty about not seeing her more and guilty that the cousins who have also inherited saw her a lot more as they lived nearer, though there's no bad feeling on their part as far as I can see.

Now dh is acting like we've won the lottery. He wants to pay off a debt of around £3k he has (it's in his name and was accrued before our marriage, but all payments come from one pot in our house), and also wants to give he dc £500 each. I have no objection to this in principle, but they do have a lot of savings and don't need anything so I don't see it as a priority. He's also going on about various things we could do like redecorate a bathroom etc.

To be honest, I just want to leave it and think about it for a bit and not be rushed. I know he doesn't mean it like this but it's almost like he's happy she has passed as now we have this. I've told him to leave it but he does for a day or so and then starts up again.

Am I wrong to want a bit of time? We are comfortable but have to save for anything over a couple of hundred pounds and some of the things he's mentioning would be quite sensible and we do need, but I just don't want to be rushing in. AIBU?

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 14/12/2020 21:43

Your dh needs to fuck off!! He is a grabby twat as it is imo. Paying off his debts??
Money for his dc from your inheritance?? Fucking hell!!

Moirasrose · 14/12/2020 21:43

I’m in a similar position. I’ve been gifted 20k from a grandad. I’ve not told my dh until the money comes through and I’m very unsure what to do with it. I’ve been a sahm (I have children with Sen) and have only just started working. Dh is a high earner and has a decent pension. I don’t have a pension and in any inheritance would be my pension or I feel it should be.

I think you need time to think about it. I’d probably pay off the debt but other than that I’d take some time to think about it.

cyclingmad · 14/12/2020 21:44

Definitely take yoh time, maybe paying off the debt isnt a bad thing but leave the rest, if covid has taught everyone something its to have rainy day money cos you never know when you'll need it whether its job loss, injury or illness.

This way you don't have to worry about a savings pot to save to. Any money you can save can go towards renovating

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/12/2020 21:44

He’d have managed to pay his debt off if you hadn’t had this inheritance so you’re under no obligation to do it now you have.

MrsWooster · 14/12/2020 21:45

Pop it in the premium bonds and sit and think for a whole-using it for lovely family extras in years to come, while thinking of your aunt, sounds lovely.

BlueThistles · 14/12/2020 21:45

put it in a savings account... in your name only 🌺

Veterinari · 14/12/2020 21:45

@titchy

If the debt is in his name it's HIS debt. Why do people perpetuate the myth that if you're married you're responsible for your partners debts.
Well as the OP clearly states the repayments come from one pot in their house, then it's not a 'myth' in this case is it? It's a factual assessment of the OP's situation based on the info she's given Hmm
Chailatte20 · 14/12/2020 21:47

Sort yourself out with a pension or stick it in premium bonds

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 14/12/2020 21:48

I's stick it in your own savings account and think about it for a while. He can pay his own debt off, and give money to his own children. I'd probably add money to my pension pot and put some aside for a rainy day. It's not his money to spend he's being a greedy beggar.

Nordman · 14/12/2020 21:48

A lot of people here seem to be jumping to a conclusion that DH is stealing the money and doing away with it for his own personal gain, that's not what I got from the post.
@blessedfig I'm so sorry for the loss of your aunt. In my experience it sometimes takes longer to sink in if you didn't see the person as often. Not that you didn't love them, but if you don't have that day to day contact to miss immediately it takes a while longer to accept the loss.
To me, it sounds as though your DH is carried away with there suddenly being a lot of money available as you say you've never had it before, and it's natural for him to be excited about what you could do with it. But that because he's not grieving himself he has lost sight of the upsetting nature of the situation.
It seems sensible to pay off the debt immediately because it will stop accruing interest.
But then I would suggest you explain to him that you understand that this money can be used for all sorts of great things, but that you want to be able to enjoy it as much as possible and you just can't do that while you're grieving, so after the debt is paid you want to leave it aside while you focus on grief, memories, family. When you feel better about it then you can sit down together and work out what you think is the best way of spending/saving it.

LunaNorth · 14/12/2020 21:49

Going against the grain here, but I’m due to inherit soon, and I see it as family money, for me and DH.

I can’t imagine squirrelling it away in my own account and not sharing. We’re married.

I wouldn’t be giving any to your DH’s kids though.

PrincessGraceless · 14/12/2020 21:49

@saraclara

Open a separate account for it in your name only. Then leave it there for a while. It's really graceless of him to push you on this.
What saraclara said
Original poster
blessedfig · 14/12/2020 21:50

Sorry - stupid typo in the OP is a missing 't' and they're our dc not just his! I do have quite a good pension through work so okay on that side of things.

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 14/12/2020 21:50

If you really can't see he is a sponger tell him you are gifting half to a dcat charity. Watch his face fall... It's your cash if that was truly your wish... He saw you coming op..

Nordman · 14/12/2020 21:51

@titchy

If the debt is in his name it's HIS debt. Why do people perpetuate the myth that if you're married you're responsible for your partners debts.
Because a lot of families (mine included) share finances. So any income is for all, and any outgoing, including debt, is for all.
JayAlfredPrufrock · 14/12/2020 21:52

I inherited from my dad. I’ve spent a shed load on dear departed dog 🙄 and loads on our dd. And a couple of holidays for us. But it’s still my money 🤷‍♀️

Soontobe60 · 14/12/2020 21:54

Your money, your decision. Tell your DH that you’re going to bank it and take some time to decide what to do with it. You may want to give him, say £500, to do what he wants with, and buy your dc a gift each. Don’t be pressured though.
(NB, my MIL passed away in January and left my DH £25k. He chose to split the money with me 50/50 and insisted I put it in my own savings to spend as I wished, but we have no debt)

Randomtasks · 14/12/2020 21:55

Sorry for your loss OP.

I think it's perfectly understandable for you to take your time with this as it must come with lots of emotions attached. But I'd definitely treat it as family money and let DH have a say in how it is spent when the time comes.

All the posters suggesting she keeps it to herself - imagine if a man had posted this, he would be completely flamed for wanting to squirrel it away to himself.

MrsSchadenfreude · 14/12/2020 21:55

My Gran left me some money. I flew to New York for a long weekend and blew the lot, shopping and having fun. It was the best weekend ever. I stayed with friends, we ate at fabulous restaurants, drank Champagne and partied. DH and the DC got gifts.

MRC20 · 14/12/2020 21:55

Do what feels right and think about it for a bit. It's a lot of money but you could go through it quickly so need to spend in the right way. I would pay the loan off though as that helps family finances by decreasing the interest paid and increasing monthly finances.

GlowingOrb · 14/12/2020 21:57

I’m very uncomfortable with simply spending inherited money. I’ve only inherited a little, but I put it in savings and it has stayed there for two years. I feel like any money comes to me because my relative saved should be saved or go towards something lasting or meaningful. So a house down payment, education, perhaps a family trip to explore the lands of your ancestors, or just going into a retirement fund. I wouldn’t spend it to go to the beach or to buy a new sofa. Things like home repairs or a needed car are more of a grey area for me.

Not everyone shares my attitude towards inheritance and that is ok. I do think your spouse should largely follow you lead or at least agree to let it sit until you are ready to really consider options.

SnackSizeRaisin · 14/12/2020 21:59

First of all tell him to stop talking about it because you are grieving.
Sounds like there's no rush with the debt at this stage.
Then have a good think - if you don't already have savings you should probably keep at least half of it.
That still leaves enough for a nice holiday and paying off the debt

FortunesFave · 14/12/2020 22:00

You should definitely pay the debt off as long as he's not in the habit of getting new ones. Bugger giving his DC 500 each! How ridiculous if they're not short of money.

Nottherealslimshady · 14/12/2020 22:01

I dont think he's wrong to want to add to childrens pensions or pay off debts.

But he is wrong to keep talking about it excitedly when you are struggling to mourn the loss of your aunt.

I'd tell him very clearly that he's hurting you and you are struggling with this and you dont want to think about or spend her money until you have properly mourned her loss and if he cared about you then he would support that.

Ask him to imagine if his parents died and you were just talking about how excited you are to have their money.

SarahAndQuack · 14/12/2020 22:04

I really like your idea of using your aunt's own habits to inspire how you treat the money.

I was struck by the poster who said they were 'due to inherit' money had had planned how to use it - your DH sounds like that. Treating money as entitlement you're 'due'. It's not a nice attitude and TBH, I bet that's why he's in debt.

I think you need to sit him down for a conversation about money. You obviously want the situation in your own marriage to change. But more than that, you need to have a conversation about emotions. It comes across so clearly in your OP how much you see this as an emotional issue, and you obviously cared for your aunt. He's acting as if her leaving you money is a wonderful thing. That's tactless at best. I think point out to him you are still grieving. FWIW, I see my own parents a 'few times a year'. We live a long way apart. It seems to me you are describing a fairly close relationship. He should respect that.