To not agree with partner about inheritance

[blessedfig]

I have just received an inheritance of about £20k. It was unexpected as I had no idea that my aunt had so much money (there was more that was divided equally between 3 of us). My aunt was very elderly and I moved about 4 hours away from our home town about 10 years ago. Since then I would only see her a few times a year, though we spoke regularly on the phone and exchanged letters. This year, for obvious reasons, I only saw her twice, the last time a good three months before she died as she died quite suddenly. I honestly don't think her death has sunk in at all - I'm used to not seeing her often and can't quite accept that I won't again. And now I have this money - more than I have ever had at one time - and I didn't even get to say thank you. I feel guilty about not seeing her more and guilty that the cousins who have also inherited saw her a lot more as they lived nearer, though there's no bad feeling on their part as far as I can see.

Now dh is acting like we've won the lottery. He wants to pay off a debt of around £3k he has (it's in his name and was accrued before our marriage, but all payments come from one pot in our house), and also wants to give he dc £500 each. I have no objection to this in principle, but they do have a lot of savings and don't need anything so I don't see it as a priority. He's also going on about various things we could do like redecorate a bathroom etc.

To be honest, I just want to leave it and think about it for a bit and not be rushed. I know he doesn't mean it like this but it's almost like he's happy she has passed as now we have this. I've told him to leave it but he does for a day or so and then starts up again.

Am I wrong to want a bit of time? We are comfortable but have to save for anything over a couple of hundred pounds and some of the things he's mentioning would be quite sensible and we do need, but I just don't want to be rushing in. AIBU?

How do you organise your finances generally? Do you share everything or do you keep your own money and just pay into a common pot for household outgoings? His views need to be looked at in that context.

I inherited from my parents two years ago. We share everything and the money went to pay down our mortgage so that we should be able to clear it in time to retire, which probably wouldn't have been possible otherwise. As and when DW inherits we'll be looking to secure that retirement and the DC's future.

When my DH’s mum died, he received some money. At no point did I think I would get any of it, it was his to spend as he wanted. I think it’s a very poor show from your DH.

OP is helping to pay off the debt already and it's 0% interest at the moment. So it's probably better to just carry on paying that off in the usual way.

I would maybe keep a small amount back to do something to add value to the house but then save the rest until you've decided what to do.

If you've got a mortgage it might be an idea to pay some off. It depends on your finances as it could be a deposit for a second property.

If you are happily married - and nothing you have said indicates you are not - I would pay off the debt first. Regardless of who is technically responsible for what you are a team and it makes no sense to leave the debt as it is when you have the financial ability to pay it off. The remaining £17k should then be yours to spend as you see fit.

In our house, it would be family money. But the problem here is that the husband is being grabby whilst his wife is still processing what has happened and is grieving. It shows that he doesn’t care about his wife’s loss which is dreadful.

Paying off debts is sensible. But I also understand that you want to leave it a while before making any decisions on what to do with the rest of it. When my granddad passed away years ago he left me £1000 and I put it into a savings account and didn't touch it for over a year. I think it was out of respect for my granddad as he was always so careful with money. It seemed disrespectful to spend it straight away

If you normally have to save for anything over a couple of hundred, this is a lot of money to both of you, but you're not sharing the same emotional link to your aunt. And that's natural.

I think he's being insensitive to you, emotionally, and not recognising that you have an emotional process to go through. Perhaps sit him down and quietly explain it to him. Give him a chance to stop acting like a selfish prat. He sounds like a kid in a sweet shop. He's being inappropriate.

DP got some inheritance 2 years ago, only 7k but it was his money and I didn’t interfere, nor expect anything. He brought a family holiday to Disneyland Paris. He used the rest to pay off debts. It’s your money and ultimately you get final choice. Don’t let your DH pressure you.

I inherited around 30k when my mum died......I've still got some. I spent some but I keep the account topped up as in when we had our house rewired I used half my own money and.half of my mum's then I paid a little back in to keep it topped up.

It sounds daft to most people but knowing how she scrimped in life it would feel disrespectful to just fritter it away when my mum didn't even live long enough to claim the pension that she tried so hard to pay into.

Tell him to start a list of his "suggestions" and you'll look at it when you're ready to hear them. That could be any time in the future - take as long as you need.

In the meantime, stick it in a savings account in your name, and get some interest accruing while you give yourself time to grieve.

Sit on the money until you decide what to do with it. It’s for you don’t feel you need to give to dc.your family member left it to you there is no rush tell you husband to back off.in time you will know what to do

Op I agree with the posters here there is some fantastic advice, you don’t know what tomorrow or the future will bring don’t live for today live for tomorrow! Consider the benefits of putting that money away for your future rather than having a good few months , I’ve learned the hard way, I wish I’d had a mature head and followed the boring advice offered off my parents over 10 years ago Op. my partner came to me with debt and I was young and reckless and an attitude of live for today and buggar tomorrow as was my dp, we went nuts and blew £18,000 in 6 months having fun , I really wish I’d invested or out that money towards a deposit for a home as our circumstances dramatically changed sadly and il never get the opportunity to work and recoup this, we are expecting a huge amount of recompense owed of nearly £80,000 and I fully intend to seek proper financial advice, I’m hoping to put it into a private pension for my future when I’m old and on a low pension, I won’t have the chance to build a private pension through work due to my circumstances so I’m thinking of how it will impact me when I’m old. I’m still with my dp now Dh so it will get split between us both, just look after yourself op you could easily break up tomorrow, I know this could happen with me but we’ve stuck together through a crazy heartbreaking 13 years and married years . All the best

If my Mum dies without needing care then our family home will be sold and three of us will inherit a minimum of £150 k, I only have a state pension and a small final salary, I stayed at home or worked part time so pretty low on funds, I will be cashing the final salary in as I have not enjoyed good health in the last five years and I would have to live forever to recoup the CETV (Cash equivalent transfer value)

We put everything into DH's pension which is very healthy and if he dies within five years of his retirement date I will receive his full final salary pension for five years and then drop down to two thirds, which is more than doable.

However he is very aware that I could feel potentially vulnerable financially and has always said I agree with you if/when your inheritance comes through let us have a cracking weekend in a great Dublin hotel (the Westbury for the Irish contingent) and then you stick the rest wherever it makes you feel secure.

In my opinion, it is yours, but it is also a back up to family funds, but he needs to dial back his slot machine eyes.

@cdtaylornats

It is your money

If they have a normal marriage and had normal wedding vows - it is their money.

No.

It is her money.

Even when married, each person in the marriage retains their own individual identity and that includes the right to have their own property, assets, money, savings etc. If a married couple divorce, then their individual assets may be taken into account as part of the marital pot to be split. However, even then, and depending where you live, inheritance is usually treated differently.

MN is the only place where I see this myth that married couples become melded into this one creature financially.

Premium Bonds, in your name only.
while you think.
maybe gift a little to husband and children, say £100 each in premium bonds. that gives them a chance of a win.
it's good you want to honour your aunt by being more careful and considered with money. good luck to you.

Don’t let him anywhere near spunking it irresponsibly and comparing £20k to a lottery win doesn’t bode well. Saying that paying off debt is sensible (you do say it’s not yours though). And bathroom ambitions for me isn’t so bad. Doesn’t why to spend it on cars, hookers and cocaine. It’s your money thought and keep it tight. Just less scared about his spending ambitions in terms of trying to work out his character

OP says it's DP so presumably not married and they are her DP's children.

I wouldn't be spending the money right away, I would put them into Premium Bonds whilst I
decided what to do with them.

It's their one big final gift that they can give to you -

This has made me cry because she was the most generous person and all the best presents came from her when I was a child. And now it's nearly Christmas...Something made me keep the card she sent last year and I put it up at the weekend which dh said was morbid. I think that's what's made me post last night - he's being a bit of a dick about the whole thing .

We had the kitchen redone this year and, annoyingly, are still a cupboard short really. I've been looking at freestanding larder cupboards ever since and now I'm thinking I might get one. It seems there are nice ones for just under £1k and I'd use it every day. I think I would like something physical to remind me of her. And then (other than the debt) I really want to save the rest. The bathroom isn't urgent and we can save for it in about a year - only too k us 2 years for the kitchen as I have started putting my foot down about money in recent years. I hate not having savings (we do have decent pensions through our jobs) so want to kickstart that.

Thank you for all the kind comments.

You know, it’s an amount of money that could either be frittered away (a few nicer holidays, some redecorating, and it’s all gone), or could be life-changing (train for a new job? Move house? Pay for a child to go to university?). When you’ve experienced a bereavement is no time to be making those decisions. My DH inherited an unexpected lump sum and was strongly advised by the bereavement counsellor to wait one year before making any decisions, as emotions run so high after a death. So I think in your shoes I’d stick the money in a one year locked account. Tell DH that you are still very upset about your aunt, that you’ve put the money away until you can think clearly, and that you don’t want to discuss it again for a year.

I wonder if he’s ever had a bereavement? I think most people underestimate how awful they are, and how long it takes to deal with it, until they’ve gone through it.

He's a cunt if he thinks YOUR money Should go to HIS children. I'd actually be seriously rethinking the relationship- especially since he seems to want other people to provide for his children.

Yanbu and he is behaving so greedy. I would be quite pissed of. Sorry about your loss op. Take your time to deal with how you feel and then decide what you would like to do. It's so ugly that he is behaving like this when he hardly even knew your aunt.

I’ve inherited from my aunt and grandmother whilst with DH. In both cases I made the decision what to do with the money. A small amount to buy something to remember them, a holiday, and a chunk off the mortgage.

Firstly and most importantly I am sorry for your loss .

But you are married and I view inheritance the same way as I would any unexpected money.

It's family money. DH and I discussed what to do with my inheritance. We both agreed that we would be sensible and pay off some of the mortgage especially as the person who left it valued financial stability so it seemed fitting. We also agreed that an amount would be spent on something that was for me to remember them by. But it was still a joint decision because whether it is from a sad event like inheritance or a joyous one like a lottery win being married is about sharing financially.

Is he often emotionally insensitive, OP?

@JamSarnie

Firstly and most importantly I am sorry for your loss .

But you are married and I view inheritance the same way as I would any unexpected money.

It's family money. DH and I discussed what to do with my inheritance. We both agreed that we would be sensible and pay off some of the mortgage especially as the person who left it valued financial stability so it seemed fitting. We also agreed that an amount would be spent on something that was for me to remember them by. But it was still a joint decision because whether it is from a sad event like inheritance or a joyous one like a lottery win being married is about sharing financially.

Yes, but it’s pretty insensitive for the OP’s DH to be jumping in with his shopping list while OP is still coming to terms with her aunt’s loss.

And his grabby reaction is clear: he has the aunt’s money burning a hole in his clearly already leaky pockets, while calling the OP’s remembrance of her aunt ‘morbid’.