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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date when pregnant?

562 replies

frabbit · 14/12/2020 19:36

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

OP posts:
Original poster
frabbit · 14/12/2020 22:16

@eeek88 thank you! This is exactly how I’m envisioning the situation. Well, options 1-3 anyway. I don’t know why I need to look so far into the future when I haven’t even met the guy yet. If we click, I’ll take it from there. If we don’t, no harm done.

OP posts:
badacorn · 14/12/2020 22:17

I think tell them before going on the date, they might not be interested so you can avoid wasting time.
Nothing wrong with NOT telling them either, there are loads of deal breakers in dating and you don’t have disclose them all up front.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:17

@badacorn

I think tell them before going on the date, they might not be interested so you can avoid wasting time. Nothing wrong with NOT telling them either, there are loads of deal breakers in dating and you don’t have disclose them all up front.
OP has told him and he's fine with it. It's just the judge brigade that aren't.
PurplePansy05 · 14/12/2020 22:20

Tbh, OP, I'm not in your shoes, but you sound v sensible and if dating is going to make you happy, go for it.

Personally, I'd just be very careful sex-wise, and I don't think I'd want to sleep with anyone I haven't known for long, certainly not when pregnant. I'd feel I'm risking my own health but potentially the baby's too. Someone mentioned men having unhealthy interest in babies, that is also a risk that I'd be very weary of.

But mostly, I couldn't imagine myself with a new bf after the baby is born, I think it's not the right way to go about the relationship. You probably won't want him around then and he'll probably not want to be sleep deprived around breast pumps and dirty nappies in what is supposed to be a honeymoon period in a new relationship either.

But I don't see anything wrong with meeting someone for a date, to have company, which you clearly miss. Good luck.

Diverseopinions · 14/12/2020 22:24

OP - it sounds like you know your new friend well enough to see that he'll be an empathetic and sensitive listener and support. It will probably do your emotional and mental health a power of good to have a thoughtful and considerate ally as you enter an exciting but unknown time of your life. There could be a really nurturing and life-enhancing friendship to come out of this early contact.

Well, the baby's father isn't making things easy, however good his intentions are. Let's hope he gains some confidence in himself in his parenting role and starts to give a bit more in terms of talk and ideas.

Wishing you all the best.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:25

@Diverseopinions

OP - it sounds like you know your new friend well enough to see that he'll be an empathetic and sensitive listener and support. It will probably do your emotional and mental health a power of good to have a thoughtful and considerate ally as you enter an exciting but unknown time of your life. There could be a really nurturing and life-enhancing friendship to come out of this early contact.

Well, the baby's father isn't making things easy, however good his intentions are. Let's hope he gains some confidence in himself in his parenting role and starts to give a bit more in terms of talk and ideas.

Wishing you all the best.

Aww what a lovely postFlowers
GLTM · 14/12/2020 22:26

It's just a date and up to you what you want to say. I don't think you need to tell him if you don't want to, however he'd probably prefer to know in advance, and if you're showing its probably best to let him know in advance. You're a lucky lady to be pregnant and welcoming a baby. Good luck.

Reassuranceneeded14 · 14/12/2020 22:26

Surely you wouldn’t be impressed if the man turned up the date with a rather big secret? I’d rather be upfront right away to save the stress of trying to tell him after a really good date.

I’m really open minded most the time, but I know someone who met her husband when she was pregnant with someone else, and they now have a kid together. I don’t understand it at all from the male perspective, but having had three kids, dating someone new during pregnancy and in the newborn stage would be the BOTTOM of the list. Honestly, enjoy this time for yourself, pregnant and then with you baby...meet some other mums, get into a good routine and when you feel settled, then maybe dip your toe into the single pond :D

Reassuranceneeded14 · 14/12/2020 22:30

Just seen your updates, glad you’ve told him. I couldn’t date while pregnant (wasn’t single) but then again all I was doing was throwing up.

I just wouldn’t put all my eggs in one basket if it works with this person while you are pregnant..just because the new baby bit is soo hard on even the most stable relationships. Enjoy the baby!

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:31

@Reassuranceneeded14

Surely you wouldn’t be impressed if the man turned up the date with a rather big secret? I’d rather be upfront right away to save the stress of trying to tell him after a really good date.

I’m really open minded most the time, but I know someone who met her husband when she was pregnant with someone else, and they now have a kid together. I don’t understand it at all from the male perspective, but having had three kids, dating someone new during pregnancy and in the newborn stage would be the BOTTOM of the list. Honestly, enjoy this time for yourself, pregnant and then with you baby...meet some other mums, get into a good routine and when you feel settled, then maybe dip your toe into the single pond :D

I'm inclined to agree. It's nice to see a post dissuading her without being vile , though.
NurseP · 14/12/2020 22:33

I have had a message from MNHQ, apparently I have reported a post! Not intended! Myphone screen is cracked! Sorry! I must have unknowingly hit the wrong spot!!

Reassuranceneeded14 · 14/12/2020 22:37

@Wheresmykimchi I’m glad she has told him now though, why start any date (even if it might not go anywhere) with any secrets.

If he’s comfortable, she’s comfortable, baby is healthy and baby daddy doesn’t care...then whatever makes them happy, even if others do find it a bit odd.

Personally, I couldn’t imagine trying to maintain the honeymoon period after pushing a baby out :D

Givemeabreak88 · 14/12/2020 22:39

Wow I’ve been single in pregnancy and it honestly would have never even occurred to me to date whilst pregnant, I wouldn’t have done it, any man that would have still been interested would have put me off anyway. My youngest is now 3 and I still haven’t been ready to date anyone but certainly would never do it whilst pregnant.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:39

[quote Reassuranceneeded14]@Wheresmykimchi I’m glad she has told him now though, why start any date (even if it might not go anywhere) with any secrets.

If he’s comfortable, she’s comfortable, baby is healthy and baby daddy doesn’t care...then whatever makes them happy, even if others do find it a bit odd.

Personally, I couldn’t imagine trying to maintain the honeymoon period after pushing a baby out :D[/quote]
Neither could I .

I think OP knows that herself but I think she's vulnerable and finding things hard and looking for reassurance.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 14/12/2020 22:39

It's bloody rank to sleep with someone purely for a shag when you're carrying a child

This. Vile.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:40

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

It's bloody rank to sleep with someone purely for a shag when you're carrying a child

This. Vile.

Just a wee reminder that OP never once said she was looking for just a shag.

PP put that in her mouth after telling her not to form any relationships with men as they could be a predator to her child.

She only mentioned bloody coffee!

Reassuranceneeded14 · 14/12/2020 22:45

@Wheresmykimchi pregnancy is such a hard time, especially if doing it alone (in as far as not being romantically involved with the dad).

Must be such an emotionally difficult place to be x

lockupyourcinammon · 14/12/2020 22:46

I think you’re wildly underestimating how much time you’ll have for a social life when you have a newborn...

Oswin · 14/12/2020 22:48

Some posters really have some Madonna-whore issues.

AlternativePerspective · 14/12/2020 22:49

If I were a man expecting a baby with a woman I wasn’t with, I doubt I’d be getting told to get my priorities straight, and ‘couldn’t I be without a woman for a few months?’ If you were a woman wanting to date a man who was expecting a baby you would be told on here to head for the hills, and yes, that his priority should be with his baby.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/12/2020 22:50

If you date be very careful OP, there are a lot of weirdos out there with a thing for pregnant women.
Also what if you get really attached to someone but they dont want to raise a baby that isn't biologically there?
It just seems like it could be very complicated.
But it's your call and IRL I wouldn'tjudge you for dating.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:51

@AlternativePerspective

If I were a man expecting a baby with a woman I wasn’t with, I doubt I’d be getting told to get my priorities straight, and ‘couldn’t I be without a woman for a few months?’ If you were a woman wanting to date a man who was expecting a baby you would be told on here to head for the hills, and yes, that his priority should be with his baby.
Not what AP said though , is it?
Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:51

Sorry @AlternativePerspective got confused between PP and your username

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:52

[quote Reassuranceneeded14]@Wheresmykimchi pregnancy is such a hard time, especially if doing it alone (in as far as not being romantically involved with the dad).

Must be such an emotionally difficult place to be x[/quote]
I would imagine so and this all seems very fresh.

happystone · 14/12/2020 22:54

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