To date when pregnant?

[frabbit]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

Bizawit I don’t know one person in live who thinks like this my daughter and her friends thinks it’s a wind up 18years old. There view gross why would anyone do that respect yourself more there now talking about it on zoom with collage tutor and class all there views very strong can not repeat here you would get your thong in a twist

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Wishing you all the best.

Enjoy your dating, you have every right to do as you please, just like every woman has, regardless of being pregnant or not.

What an outdated view to assume that pregnancy excludes you from dating. I thought it was the patriarchy in charge of oppressing us but it appears they have infiltrated Mumsnet as well.

Again, best wishes for your future!

Leaving this site good wind up shag as many men as you can before baby born.well done.be proud of yourself

I certainly wouldn't place any store on the opinions of inexperienced teenage college (not collage) students @Happystone so I'm not sure what impact you expect sharing their naive views will have?

Or are we all meant to bow down to their juvenile wisdom?

I suppose at least if they were posting and not you the posts might be slightly more comprehensible.

Greniei id rather read about teenagers' views than the views of those who have odd boundaries and get a kick out of making other people feel uncomfortable.

@rookgizzardpie

the STD risk is a red herring. I’ve been having sex for 20 years and haven’t caught anything because I use condoms, it’s how they work. It’s a front for pure misogyny which is pretty fucking depressing

I'm guessing the OP isn't big on condoms from the whole point of this post ...

My dh started dating his ex weeks after she'd had a baby .They were together for 3 years so it doesnt put every man off. Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with your date.

[quote Bizawit]@NameChange84
Words used in your post to describe a woman casually dating while preg : “utterly horrified”, “who does that?!” ,
“Angry that she thought he’d be interested” “put off by the idea of a woman who was having unprotected sex with casual partners” “no regard for the health of herself or her unborn child” “grim” “repulsed”[/quote]
Yep.

He was utterly horrified in his mid 20s, when looking for a long term commitment with a free and available woman of a similar age that a slightly younger woman he met offline and had known for several months had not previously divulged she was pregnant until he took her on a date. He went on that date with an expectation that the person he was on a date with had no ties and would not be carrying another man’s child. That’s a reasonable assumption.

“Who does that?” Well...who DOES do that? It’s hardly a commonplace experience is it? It’s quite a bizarre thing to do.

“Angry she thought he’d be interested”
Well, she knew his aim was a serious long term relationship. Unlike OP, she was looking for a “baby daddy” and, as ex was a teacher, she assumed he liked kids enough to take hers on. As it happens ex never wanted children at all. Is it not a massive and unreasonable assumption to think that the majority of men should be absolutely fine with and ready to take on the responsibilities of an unborn child (with a view in six months to becoming that child’s father figure) and pregnant woman when they weren’t involved in the conception at all and the real father didn’t choose to stick around? He felt he was being expected to step in where the biological father hadn’t and he thought that was downright rude and offensive. Hence his anger. There’s a extremely small percentage of men, as this thread shows, who wouldn’t mind but the vast majority would.

She got pregnant through casual sex and was still dating multiple men off OLD and apps. Until she revealed she was pregnant, my ex didn’t know her feelings about condoms or regular sex with multiple partners. So she WAS putting her health and the health of her unborn child at risk by regularly having unprotected sex. That being said, he still would have been unwilling to date any pregnant woman, not just ones regularly engaging in unprotected sex. Why would he when he could date women with no such drama or risk attached?

And yes, people who heard this story found it “grim” and were visibly repulsed. My own feelings were that she sounded unhinged and he had a lucky escape but, from the description of her and other people who knew her, that she was probably quite vulnerable and naive, was sleeping with lots of different (shitty) men thinking one might eventually love her and she just desperately wanted someone nice to take care of her and her baby. Which was quite sad really although a totally different situation from OP.

@TheQueensGambit

The difference *@Bizawit*, in risk, is having a new, (or a number of new), sexual partners. That is why, at GUM clinics, they as you if you have had any NEW partners recently. Having a new sexual partner when your immunity is lower means that you are more susceptible to catching the infections. It also, in some cases, means that you will have a more severe case. It also, in some cases, can be transmitted to your baby or can harm your pregnancy in another way.

Is this fair on women in the OP's position? No! Do I wish things were fairer. Yes, of course. But viruses don't really go in for equality, unfortunately, as those dying from covid because they are unlucky enough to be older, are discovering.

You and others, responded to my very factual post with a lot of 'feels'. Oh stop being so misogynistic, it's a red herring. No, it isn't. It is useful and factual information.

Yes but , as somebody already pointed out, many pregnant women could be having sex with partners who are unfaithful. Having protected sex with a new partner (especially if they have been tested) is less risky than having unprotected sex with someone who is being unfaithful. There is no risk free sex: we all take risks, and we all (hopefully) know how to take precautions.

I’m sorry if I singled you out. Maybe I read your post wrong - in the context of so many posts about the risk of STIs and saying OP obviously didn’t care about her baby’s health etc. - and read into it something that wasn’t there.

@scaredofbabies

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Wishing you all the best.

Enjoy your dating, you have every right to do as you please, just like every woman has, regardless of being pregnant or not.

What an outdated view to assume that pregnancy excludes you from dating. I thought it was the patriarchy in charge of oppressing us but it appears they have infiltrated Mumsnet as well.

Again, best wishes for your future!

What a load of utter claptrap..

I burned my bra in the 70s . Spent 6 months a Greenham in the 80s .. Was part of the consultation team opposing Self Identification on the GRA last year .. my 'feminist credentials have been pretty rock solid for the past 40 years..

... yet never in all that time have I ever met a woman who's idea of 'equality' was to equalise with the sort of revolting alley cat , self-absorbed , behaviour seen in the worst kind of male - that you seem to think that the OP should be aspiring to ..

You have a VERY low bar.

As you say yourself, @Bizawit, she needs to be especially cautious. Which is the point I have been making since about page 2 and which was dismissed as misogynistic . Urging a woman who is pathologically more likely to catch an infection, more likely to suffer worse effects from it, to be particularly careful and avoid casual sex with multiple partners while pregnant, is shouted down as misogyny .

Also, the odds of being exposed to a new partner's potential infections, if you have unprotected sex with them, are much higher than that of your partner being unfaithful. Again, that is why they ask you those questions at the GUM clinic. If it was exactly equal, that is not a question which would need to be asked. I'm very for women having as many sexual partners as they like, but it is wishful thinking to say this makes them no more at risk, unless they are meticulous, (as the op may not be based on the unplanned pregnancy), in their use of condoms. And even then, there are some infections which are difficult to safeguard against completely.

@funinthesun19

It's not a front for fucking misogyny, I'd be equally disgusted if a bloke was expecting a baby and his main concern was finding a new girl to date, too

Exactly! Two people have just created a baby and all they want to do is find someone else to have sex with. Yes I do judge that immensely.

why do you judge people wanting to have sex? It’s a normal human need

why do you judge people wanting to have sex? It’s a normal human need

Exactly! I made this point up thread. It is the op who insists she isn't interested in sex.

I haven't read the whole thread but some thoughts from someone who was pregnant alone, really wanted sex and companionship and generally felt sorry for myself.

Don't. I really don't see the point of getting involved with someone at this point in your life. As pp have pointed out, now is the time to build strong networks for support for you as a mum and prepare yourself for single parenting which can be great :)

You may have an infected fanjo to start with (i did), you may just lie around with a breast hanging out feeding on demand (i did), you may wish to cosleep (i did). Even biological mums and dads struggle with the Early days of babyhood and i think it would be foolish to bring another man into this. If your ex is on good terms with you he may wish to stay the night in the early days to bond.

I'm not saying it's disgusting to date, i had a high sex drive while pregnant, i just think you need to think realistically here.

I chose to start dating when DD was 2.5 and I stopped breastfeeding, that was the right choice for me. Everyone is different but just think about the longer term.

Best of luck

Personally in your shoes,in this pandemic,I would not be attempting to find a new boyfriend or friend at all.
If you are keen to go ahead,as it seems you are,then before meeting up you should tell him as it saves putting him on the spot face to face.
Have you thought through the implications of having a new partner(if that's what you want)in your life with a new baby?
They are a huge commitment and you will have very little time for yourself let alone a new partner/friend.

@TheQueensGambit

As you say yourself, *@Bizawit*, she needs to be especially cautious. Which is the point I have been making since about page 2 and which was dismissed as misogynistic . Urging a woman who is pathologically more likely to catch an infection, more likely to suffer worse effects from it, to be particularly careful and avoid casual sex with multiple partners while pregnant, is shouted down as misogyny .

Also, the odds of being exposed to a new partner's potential infections, if you have unprotected sex with them, are much higher than that of your partner being unfaithful. Again, that is why they ask you those questions at the GUM clinic. If it was exactly equal, that is not a question which would need to be asked. I'm very for women having as many sexual partners as they like, but it is wishful thinking to say this makes them no more at risk, unless they are meticulous, (as the op may not be based on the unplanned pregnancy), in their use of condoms. And even then, there are some infections which are difficult to safeguard against completely.

Depending on how it’s done, I’m not sure it is more risky tbh. I’ve had at least two friends who’s partners cheated while they were preg - and those are just the ones who got caught! Anyways, the point is, I felt that it didn’t need to be pointed out so much that she might get a disease. She didn’t even say she was intending to sleep with this man, and she’s an adult so presumably has had some STI education. Im not saying this was you specifically, but alot of people were focused on STIs to shame OP for dating while preg and accuse her of not caring / being reckless with her baby’s health. I think you are taking this too personally. I don’t remember singling you out or calling you misogynistic , but I’m sorry if I did , and if I misinterpreted what you were saying. I think there is a lot of misogyny on this thread which is what I was responding to. I totally agree with you that there’s nothing wrong with wanting sex, including casual sex with multiple partners and it shouldn’t be considered a virtue that this is not what OP is focused on.

*whose

No I would not be dating in your shoes. You will only get weirdos that would be ok with you being pregnant. I would just tell the guy 'sorry I'm not available at the moment'.

Grenlei I lived in london for a decade and know plenty of people who aren't married they just aren't like this.

Societies develop values for good reasons.

Oh and I'm 35. Happy to be described as young but naive alas I am not.

If I'm honest I think this thread is probably a wind up (look! It's worked!).

@Trickyboy I'm not interested in hearing about your views on GRA - stop using the guise of being a feminist to cover your transphobic views. It's exhausting listening to you lot.

She has the right to live her life as she wishes, I'm sure she is capable of identifying the type of man she would enjoy spending time with.

Why is something that is outwith your own (incredibly narrow) experience automatically made up?

I never cease to be amazed at the ivory towers some people live in.

As someone who has been single and pregnant, wanting to date or go out and socialise when pregnant is perfectly normal and the OP should not be made to wear a hair shirt for wanting to do so. Nor to be made to feel disgusting because she has (shock horror) had a baby outside marriage.

It is the sort of judgmental twats who have posted on this thread who made a friend of mine feel like an outcast when (as a young single parent who had never really been in a relationship with the father) she tried to join a local mum and baby group. It became clear that the only sort of single mum they accepted was one who had been married/ in a LTR and whose life partner had either tragically died or run off with another woman, thereby either being a saint or a bastard.

If you were a single mum not (ever) in a relationship with the dad you were the subject of scorn, as has been ably demonstrated on this thread. Establish a support network - don't make me laugh. If posters on here are representative of the sort of mums OP is likely to encounter, she's hardly likely to find much support whether she's dating or sitting at home like a good little expectant mum.

I honestly can't believe such narrow mindedness prevails more than 20 years since I was in the OP's position.

Greniel no one cares if she is a single parent it about going on dating sites looking for radon’s when pregnant.when had baby shag as much as you want have line ups if that your thing it’s just gross being pregrant and having different men up you can’t she wait 6 months .I fell sorry for her if men and daintiness are her main concern sad

Bizawit I don't think basing expectations on men who cheat on their partners while they're pregnant so using that to justify casual sex is that great an idea.

Grenlei there is nothing particularly special about your experiences that makes you an authority on this. Other people don't have "incredibly narrow experiences" just because they haven't been single mothers looking to date. Not wanting casual hook ups or to date while pregnant is quite common really.