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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date when pregnant?

562 replies

frabbit · 14/12/2020 19:36

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

OP posts:
happystone · 15/12/2020 12:55

Yougottenminitieslyn. This is what the men said. You ask men what they think.yes some don’t came who they date or sleep with.not everyone thinks the same as you grow up ffs

Porcupineinwaiting · 15/12/2020 12:55

What sort of companionship can you get from dating that you cant get from friendship? This is about sex, isn't it?

happystone · 15/12/2020 12:57

Greniel great advice

Bizawit · 15/12/2020 13:02

@TheQueensGambit

Oh yes, that was one of the off comments. Slapped is a vile word to use about another woman.

But there is nothing wrong with implying that the op might want to have many casual sexual partners, because, there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting lots of casual sexual partners. Getting offended at the very notion is much more prudish tbh.

I’m not offended at the notion, I’m offended that people were making such assumptions about the OP because she said she wanted to date while preg, and saying it was inappropriate and wrong and calling her ‘nasty’, etc.
Bizawit · 15/12/2020 13:06

@Grenlei

Well there's a risk of an STI every time you have sex, in theory.

You might think your husband or partner is being faithful, but you can't know 100% unless you keep them under house arrest.

So the risks of catching an STI is still there.

The OP might not want to have penetrative sex. Dating and intimacy aren't exclusively PIV you know. If she does, she might insist on a potential sexual partner being tested first, and also using condoms. In both instances she's at less risk than anyone whose partner is being unfaithful to them.

Exactly
happystone · 15/12/2020 13:10

At the end of the day most people think it’s gross sleeping with differentmen whilst pregnant.some people think go for it no child care to worry about etc.as for telling men she’s pregnant that will be obvious very soon , different people have different standers what some don’t like overs love,it’s a free society every one has different views no one is right or wrong if someone has a different view they is no need to be rude.all adults can do as they please.why don’t you ask your mum and. Friends there views talk to your midwife etc .

Bizawit · 15/12/2020 13:15

@NameChange84
Words used in your post to describe a woman casually dating while preg : “utterly horrified”, “who does that?!” ,
“Angry that she thought he’d be interested” “put off by the idea of a woman who was having unprotected sex with casual partners” “no regard for the health of herself or her unborn child” “grim” “repulsed”

Grenlei · 15/12/2020 13:16

@happystone that's not what I said.

Dating isn't sex. You do know that the 2 don't have to be mutually inclusive. You can date without having sex (most dating in my experience doesn't involve sex) equally you can have sex outwith dating or indeed a relationship. Shocking eh?!

I didn't have sex while I was pregnant as I didn't meet anyone I wanted to sleep with. I did date and socialise regularly though.

After my child was born I also dated and socialised, but far more infrequently as I had limited childcare.

Bizawit · 15/12/2020 13:17

*words used in your post to describe feelings about/ attitudes towards a woman causally dating while pregnant

happystone · 15/12/2020 13:18

As for people being jealous that she is pregnant and wants to date men wtf . Do people really think this .no they don’t this post is one big wind up well done opp you had as all going

RednaxelasBaubles · 15/12/2020 13:19

"Companionship" is not dating Confused

Do you just not have many friends or family you can see OP?

TheQueensGambit · 15/12/2020 13:20

I’m not offended at the notion, I’m offended that people were making such assumptions about the OP because she said she wanted to date while preg, and saying it was inappropriate and wrong and calling her ‘nasty’, etc.

@Bizawit

Yes, those posts were unnecessary and archaic. But she said "casual dating", not looking for a relationship, which on OLD usually means casual sex. Then there was much pearl clutching that anyone would think I'd be interested in SEX, the very idea! Ridiculous since she is pregnant. Unless it was the immaculate conception. Then all the posts, including yours where you denied there was any risk of STI. Again, ridiculous.

There have bee horrible posts on here, but if you think you come across as wonderfully modern and enlightened when you took umbridge on the OP's behalf at my very factual, and informative posts which if she wasn't so busy clutching her pearls and denying that she has any interest in sex or that the very idea of her catching an STI is so ridiculous, she might have found helpful.

Bizawit · 15/12/2020 13:21

@happystone

As for people being jealous that she is pregnant and wants to date men wtf . Do people really think this .no they don’t this post is one big wind up well done opp you had as all going
You late telling people not to be rude because everyone has a different opinion, but you are calling OP a slapper, nasty, saying the post is a wind up , saying nobody thinks like this... wtf?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 13:24

@happystone

it’s a free society every one has different views no one is right or wrong if someone has a different view they is no need to be rude.

The audacity of this when you literally called OP, a stranger, a 'slapper' is incredible. What a total absence of self awareness.

You could apologise for saying that and communicate if you now concede it was rude and inappropriate to do so. But I'm guessing when you say there's no need to be rude to people with different opinions you don't hold yourself to that standard.

TheQueensGambit · 15/12/2020 13:25

@TheQueensGambit

I’m not offended at the notion, I’m offended that people were making such assumptions about the OP because she said she wanted to date while preg, and saying it was inappropriate and wrong and calling her ‘nasty’, etc.

@Bizawit

Yes, those posts were unnecessary and archaic. But she said "casual dating", not looking for a relationship, which on OLD usually means casual sex. Then there was much pearl clutching that anyone would think I'd be interested in SEX, the very idea! Ridiculous since she is pregnant. Unless it was the immaculate conception. Then all the posts, including yours where you denied there was any risk of STI. Again, ridiculous.

There have bee horrible posts on here, but if you think you come across as wonderfully modern and enlightened when you took umbridge on the OP's behalf at my very factual, and informative posts which if she wasn't so busy clutching her pearls and denying that she has any interest in sex or that the very idea of her catching an STI is so ridiculous, she might have found helpful.

...well, you don't. Not to me at least. A lot of shrieking about being free to date, but then much lauding of 'virtues' like, not having casual sex and not catching STIs. How dare anyone even suggest such a thing. It sounds like the most prudish thing ever if you want my opinion and is hilarious you clearly think you are the enlightened one here @Bizawit.
happystone · 15/12/2020 13:29

All men and women have different standers find different thing turn on or turn off. If you want male friendship why go on dating site. I don’t know many men who go on there for friendship .or would expect a pregnant woman to be on there but like I said different views , at the end of the day whatever turns you on

Bizawit · 15/12/2020 13:30

@TheQueensGambit

I’m not offended at the notion, I’m offended that people were making such assumptions about the OP because she said she wanted to date while preg, and saying it was inappropriate and wrong and calling her ‘nasty’, etc.

@Bizawit

Yes, those posts were unnecessary and archaic. But she said "casual dating", not looking for a relationship, which on OLD usually means casual sex. Then there was much pearl clutching that anyone would think I'd be interested in SEX, the very idea! Ridiculous since she is pregnant. Unless it was the immaculate conception. Then all the posts, including yours where you denied there was any risk of STI. Again, ridiculous.

There have bee horrible posts on here, but if you think you come across as wonderfully modern and enlightened when you took umbridge on the OP's behalf at my very factual, and informative posts which if she wasn't so busy clutching her pearls and denying that she has any interest in sex or that the very idea of her catching an STI is so ridiculous, she might have found helpful.

I think we misunderstand each other. My comments were directed to the general tone of the thread. I didn’t mean to imply there was “no risk” of catching STIs , of course there always is with sex, I just meant to point out that there are ways of taking precautions ( as people do in general). There is no reason to think OP is more at risk than any other preg woman who is having sex, so unless you are suggesting that all preg women entirely abstain from sex (and no woman gets preg until she has a full STI screen, including for very common infections that aren’t particularly risky to foetuses) I think it’s a bit patronising and discriminatory/ presumptuous to presume that you need to point out STI risk out to the OP just cos she is preg and dating. I also don’t think it was reasonable to assume OP was looking for casual sex based on her posts, I think it was quite clear that she was looking for companionship and support and by “casual” she meant no pressure . There was no comment about sex either way , so no need to assume one way or the other. I agree there is nothing wrong with wanting sex, including casual sex, pregnant or not pregnant.
GreenlandTheMovie · 15/12/2020 13:32

There's a difference between getting to know someone slowly and letting feelings develop over time, and online sating, which fir many, have turned into hook up sites/sex chat lines. Of the type that the OP met her previous casual hook up who got her pregnant.

It's not modern or cool to find that scene icky. Just because some people do it doesnt mean other people find it desirable. Casual hook ups aren't for everyone, and a lot of people are leaving Internet dating because it's increasingly dominated by that.

TheQueensGambit · 15/12/2020 13:35

The difference @Bizawit, in risk, is having a new, (or a number of new), sexual partners. That is why, at GUM clinics, they as you if you have had any NEW partners recently. Having a new sexual partner when your immunity is lower means that you are more susceptible to catching the infections. It also, in some cases, means that you will have a more severe case. It also, in some cases, can be transmitted to your baby or can harm your pregnancy in another way.

Is this fair on women in the OP's position? No! Do I wish things were fairer. Yes, of course. But viruses don't really go in for equality, unfortunately, as those dying from covid because they are unlucky enough to be older, are discovering.

You and others, responded to my very factual post with a lot of 'feels'. Oh stop being so misogynistic, it's a red herring. No, it isn't. It is useful and factual information.

happystone · 15/12/2020 13:35

Yougotaminitelyn. No I don’t have yours bizawit or opps standers.thank fuk

TheQueensGambit · 15/12/2020 13:37

@TheQueensGambit

The difference *@Bizawit*, in risk, is having a new, (or a number of new), sexual partners. That is why, at GUM clinics, they as you if you have had any NEW partners recently. Having a new sexual partner when your immunity is lower means that you are more susceptible to catching the infections. It also, in some cases, means that you will have a more severe case. It also, in some cases, can be transmitted to your baby or can harm your pregnancy in another way.

Is this fair on women in the OP's position? No! Do I wish things were fairer. Yes, of course. But viruses don't really go in for equality, unfortunately, as those dying from covid because they are unlucky enough to be older, are discovering.

You and others, responded to my very factual post with a lot of 'feels'. Oh stop being so misogynistic, it's a red herring. No, it isn't. It is useful and factual information.

This doesn't mean it isn't possible. It means, be more cautious than you usually would be. And yes, she has been unfortunate enough to have an unplanned pregnancy, so obviously, her precautions have not been successful thus far, which would make me even more cautious, in her shoes. But they aren't my shoes. Not my circus.
Trickyboy · 15/12/2020 13:38

It's not 'sexist' or 'double standards' it's just 'why would you' ?

A 'date' surely signifies a desire to meet up with someone with a view to sizing the other party up as a possible partner.

For something to be a 'date' there must be an intent for

1.a sexual relationship /marriage
2.a casual sexual relationship.

Otherwise it's not a date . It's coffee with a man. In which case no - you don't know him and have no relationship interest - so no obligation to say anything.

You are adamant that you aren't looking for a 'relationship' so that seems to rule out no. 1 . Leaving no.2 - which is fine as a form of exercise as long as you ensure your sexual partner wears a condom. You don't want a STD to threaten your babies health. Personally never wanted sex enough to put baby at risk. ..

However once you are visibly pregnant, any man who was ok about having sex with a woman carrying someone else's child - well good luck. that's pretty weird. You will get some 'delightful' attention.

Here's an idea. If you want attention and companionship- why not join a social club, walking group, befriended organisation.

Much less chance of passing your unborn child a nasty infection.. or accidentally hooking up with someone with a pregnancy kink..

happystone · 15/12/2020 13:39

This reply has been deleted

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 13:39

@happystone

Yougotaminitelyn. No I don’t have yours bizawit or opps standers.thank fuk
OP Standards Fuck

Again, you said no need to be rude after you called a stranger a slapper. Hypocrisy in action, I feel sorry for you.

Have a good day 👍🏻

GreenlandTheMovie · 15/12/2020 13:41

Oh and whether or not someone is pregnant is amongst the basic infirnatuon I'd exuect someone decent to be truthful about online, along with their age, their occupation, marital status and maybe their educational background. Because its one of those fundamental things that would make you determine whether youre interested or not.

Turning up to a date pregnant with a man who had no idea is so left field, it's another category of behaviour altogether.

Apologies if I've missed the post where the OP has told this man she is going for coffee with that she is pregnant.