To date when pregnant?

[frabbit]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

*hpv

@Cheeseandwin5 @TheQueensGambit of course there’s nothing inherently wrong with not wanting to date a pregnant woman/ person with kids, I never said that. What is however wrong and unpleasant is : to call a pregnant woman nasty/ disgusting etc for dating; implying she is a diseased slut; saying she doesn’t care about her unborn child. That’s what I was objecting to.

I'm trying not to project my own experience onto the OP, but I wasn't ever in a formal relationship with my child's father. We'd dated casually but nothing had come of it, I did say we had 'split up' which perhaps implies there being more formality to it, but in essence we'd both separately concluded that it wasn't something we wanted to pursue and so it didn't develop beyond those casual dates. I said split up simply as shorthand for the above. At that point I'd been effectively single all my life (I'd dated, but nothing lasting beyond a few weeks or where I felt I could call someone a boyfriend or partner).

I don't see why the fact the OP has been single for 4 years means she shouldn't date now? If she had, for example, ended a long term relationship with her child's father very recently, then I would agree that dating now might not be the best thing, because of the time needed to heal from a bruising break up, irrespective of whose choice it was etc.

But from re-reading her posts I see that she and the father were never properly together, so clearly she has no emotional investment and I'm not sure therefore how other posters are suggesting she wanted a relationship with him? So she doesn't need time to get over him.

And it's not hard to raise a child alone. It's far harder to raise one with someone else.

I think there is a bit of jealously involved in the negative comments. Kind of like 'how dare you date, and someone actually wants to date you when you are pregnant? What makes you so desirable? Who do you think you are?'
It could be a storyline in 'Call The Midwife'
Go for it OP, Good luck
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If by negative you mean "take time out op", there is no jealousy, more like concern and feeling op is vulnerable and is probably not going to find what she wants.

I'm not sure who would be jealous of being pregnant and having to go to appointments and scans with a father who's attending out of minimum "decency" and who otherwise doesn't even speak to you.

Some of these replies make me think I have somehow stumbled back in time 60+ years.

All the pearl clutching. Give yourselves a day off.

[quote Bizawit]**@Cheeseandwin5* @TheQueensGambit* of course there’s nothing inherently wrong with not wanting to date a pregnant woman/ person with kids, I never said that. What is however wrong and unpleasant is : to call a pregnant woman nasty/ disgusting etc for dating; implying she is a diseased slut; saying she doesn’t care about her unborn child. That’s what I was objecting to.[/quote]
I know you didn't say that. Read my post again .

Nobody has called the op a diseased slut. What a disgusting choice of words. Having multiple sexual partners or having an STI really isn't anything to be ashamed of. These things should be openly discussed without everyone getting defensive. It is fine to have as many sexual partners as you like (or can get ). It is advisable to consider STI risks without clutbicng your pearls and saying "gawd as IF I'd have an STI".

There have been some off comments on here, but discussing STIs and stating there is a real risk of having or catching one, is not off at all. In fact vehemently denying there is any risk and "I'd never get one of those" is much more ignorant and archaic.

It’s a front for pure misogyny which is pretty fucking depressing

It's not a front for fucking misogyny, I'd be equally disgusted if a bloke was expecting a baby and his main concern was finding a new girl to date, too.

the STD risk is a red herring. I’ve been having sex for 20 years and haven’t caught anything because I use condoms, it’s how they work. It’s a front for pure misogyny which is pretty fucking depressing

Only takes once for a condom to snap.
No need to be patronising. I know what condoms are for. I also know and accept that condoms aren’t 100%. A baby doesn’t get to make that choice whether their mum puts them at risk so yes I do think it’s selfish. If that makes me misogynistic then fine, whatever.

Also domestic violence is higher in pregnant women

This is true for people already in established relationships, or already at risk. Op being pregnant is irrelevant to this point, in this specific instance.

It's not a front for fucking misogyny, I'd be equally disgusted if a bloke was expecting a baby and his main concern was finding a new girl to date, too

Exactly! Two people have just created a baby and all they want to do is find someone else to have sex with. Yes I do judge that immensely.

Some of these replies make me think I have somehow stumbled back in time 60+ years. All the pearl clutching. Give yourselves a day off.

This OP makes me think I have somehow stumbled on to the set of Jeremy Kyle. Perhaps I lead a sheltered life but I have never met anyone in RL who is actually like this, so much so that I wouldn't be surprised if OP were a troll.

@TheQueensGambit I know but you asked for clarification so I provided it. And A lot of people implied those things, someone called her a “slapped” others shamed her and suggested she was looking for lots of casual sex with multiple partners, one man said he was disgusted at the thought of dating a preg woman because a woman who was dating when preg might give him a disease and he wanted to protect his health, several people implied that the fact that OP accidentally got pregnant indicates she’s not the sort of person who takes appropriate precautions.. etc.

*slapper

Oh yes, that was one of the off comments. Slapped is a vile word to use about another woman.

But there is nothing wrong with implying that the op might want to have many casual sexual partners, because, there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting lots of casual sexual partners. Getting offended at the very notion is much more prudish tbh.

Well there's a risk of an STI every time you have sex, in theory.

You might think your husband or partner is being faithful, but you can't know 100% unless you keep them under house arrest.

So the risks of catching an STI is still there.

The OP might not want to have penetrative sex. Dating and intimacy aren't exclusively PIV you know. If she does, she might insist on a potential sexual partner being tested first, and also using condoms. In both instances she's at less risk than anyone whose partner is being unfaithful to them.

[quote Bizawit]**@Cheeseandwin5* @TheQueensGambit* of course there’s nothing inherently wrong with not wanting to date a pregnant woman/ person with kids, I never said that. What is however wrong and unpleasant is : to call a pregnant woman nasty/ disgusting etc for dating; implying she is a diseased slut; saying she doesn’t care about her unborn child. That’s what I was objecting to.[/quote]
If you are still talking about my ex and his “date from hell”, whilst I’d agree for other reasons that he was a bit of a prat...

He never called her disgusting.

He never referred to her unborn child or said she didn’t care about the child.

She got pregnant from having unprotected sex on OLD. She was still going on OLD dates with multiple men every week despite being pregnant and it was her moaning about not being treated with respect on OLD/apps (“being fucked and chucked”) that led to him asking her on a date without him knowing that she had unprotected sex and was pregnant. I’d much rather have a partner who took sexual health seriously than one who didn’t. They never would have been compatible as he, like me, didn’t do casual sex at all. Both of us saw sex as something for an exclusive, committed relationship. He was looking for a relationship he could invest in and something long term and serious. So whilst he never said, or implied, that she was a “diseased slut” he also had no desire to be with anyone who had unprotected sex. He held other men to the same standards.

If that’s misogynistic so be it.

I’d run a mile from a man who recently had got a woman pregnant and was still looking to date other women. I’d find that repulsive and it would make my skin crawl to be around him. If that’s a stunning example of misandry then...fair enough.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I can only hope you live in a very isolated community, or are rather young and naive.

Alternatively, I'd suggest you need to get out more. There's a whole world outside of SmugMarriedVille.

But, if you want to have many casual sexual partners (which the op was simply aghast about the very idea of), pregnancy isn't a good time to do it. For the practical reasons I've already stated.

STIs aren't moral failings. They are illnesses. Ridiculous to see that as an insult in this day and age and merely me saying in clear and factual terms, "this is precisely why I would be more careful in pregnancy". If you see that as an insult, then that's a shame.

@frabbit "If I were a man expecting a baby with a woman I wasn’t with, I doubt I’d be getting told to get my priorities straight, and ‘couldn’t I be without a woman for a few months?’ hmm"

It's different though because a man isn't growing and birthing a baby, nor will he be the primary care giver the second the baby is born (particularly if he hasn't been partnered with the mother during pregnancy). I don't think it's necessarily a judgey thing for people to advise you to be on your own, it's just really likely not to end that well and particularly if you've not been up front about it! Cultivating your support network would be a better thing to work on right now and making sure you are mentally prepared for being a new mother. Your headspace for dating will just get smaller as your due date nears.

I’d run a mile from a man who recently had got a woman pregnant and was still looking to date other women. I’d find that repulsive and it would make my skin crawl to be around him. If that’s a stunning example of misandry then...fair enough.

So would I. It would be indicative of an attitude to relationships and sex that I don’t share and it just wouldn’t work.

I’m definitely not a troll, although I do appreciate it’s an odd situation.

I’m not sure why I’m being advised to take time to myself - I’ve had plenty of that. I’m not on the ‘rebound’ or looking for attention to comfort me from rejection. Father of baby and I said we would see how things went - they didn’t go well, we don’t enjoy each other’s company at the moment and although he’s being a little difficult contact-wise, he has been to any appointments I’ve asked him to and I’m hoping we can co-parent nicely. It wasn’t a one night stand either, not that that’s really relevant.

Again, I’m not asking if it’s okay to shag anyone, if it’s okay to jump into a relationship with someone else, if it’s okay to advertise myself as pregnant and available. I was just asking if it was socially acceptable to date as a single, pregnant woman - clearly there’s a lot of societal judgment around it. But I’m going for a coffee with this guy, and that’s it. If things were to progress, obviously I would have other things to think about (intimacy etc). But for now, it’s just a coffee.

I have a good support network of friends and family. This isn’t about me having no mates and needing male attention to fill a void.

Thanks for all of the positive comments, and the helpful ones who don’t agree with me - some of them have been really lovely.

I must admit, I like to think think I have a modern outlook, but it did make me think it was a bit yukky but I couldnt place why. Then I questioned myself as to why I felt like that. I guess because my gut reaction was that is seedy in some way. I think thats because it goes against our preconceived concepts of what a pregnant woman should act like. I guess thats wrong. I have therefore come to the conclusion theres nothing wrong in two adults meeting for a cup of coffee, the only thing the OP owes to the bloke is to tell him upfront so he can decide to carry
on with the meeting. She has done that.

@frabbit

If you are happy by yourself, but just looking for the next step, then sure go ahead with it. My only worry was you didn't sound happy in your own life and that you were needing companionship to avoid feeling lonely, rather than wanting to share your life. There's a big difference between those two.

If you're happy, go for it.

Sorry but it sounds a bit unpleasant really to be interested in meeting men at 15 weeks pregnant with another man's child...You could seem desperate, attract some weird men or scare them off altogether. I can understand you might miss companionship but why not look to make some female friends instead?
If you must dare there is plenty of time in the future. Why not just concentrate on yourself and your unborn baby right now?

Why is dating whilst pregnant wrong but dating with a young baby is ok?

It's far easier to date whilst pregnant, you don't have to find a babysitter, worry if the baby is ok, rush back to them etc.