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Original poster

To date when pregnant?

562 replies

frabbit · 14/12/2020 19:36

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2020 10:10

@happystone

Skittlebug most men think like this I went to work this morning and asked the men apex 30 men not one would want to date pregnant women one even though it illegal. Most said nasty and would not want to go there.one said ifs it’s got a hole then it’s a gole this just about says it all.
That's the difference tho between actively looking for a pregnant woman and finding someone you like and connect with and finding out they're pregnant.
Bizawit · 15/12/2020 10:16

@happystone

Skittlebug most men think like this I went to work this morning and asked the men apex 30 men not one would want to date pregnant women one even though it illegal. Most said nasty and would not want to go there.one said ifs it’s got a hole then it’s a gole this just about says it all.
Again, the men at your work sound very unpleasant, and I guess it’s one of the advantages of dating while preg- weeds out men like this! I feel so lucky with my DP. When I told him about this thread he said absolutely nothing wrong with it and of course she didn’t need to feel obliged to disclose before the first date- it’s up to her. Guess I got one of the good ones ❤️
TheQueensGambit · 15/12/2020 10:24

That's very nice of your DH biz.

However, I feel I should add that there is nothing at all wrong with not wishing to start a relationship with someone who has or is expecting dcs. Like the pp on here who said she wouldn't date a man with children. That is a valid and perfectly reasonable set of criteria for your future partner. It doesn't make that pp not "one of the good ones". I'm sure you agree, but wanted to clarify.

Cheeseandwin5 · 15/12/2020 10:25

@bizawit

Rubbish- Everyone is allowed their opinion. There are many posts on here from women who say they wouldn't date a a man if he had a child or a pregnant partner- are they all unpleasant?
I have seen posts where women wouldn't date men with kids are they all unpleasant??
A woman's body changes when they become pregnant and I can understand many men and women do not want to have sex during that time - Are they all unpleasant?
You are expecting everyone to be free thinking in their attitude and then being totally closed in yours!

The fact is these ppl may close themselves off from meeting a perfectly lovely person, but its their choice and we all have views of what we want from someone/ a relationship and I think that is fine

TheQueensGambit · 15/12/2020 10:26

Forgot the love heart..."one of the good ones ❤" Xmas Wink.

Cheeseandwin5 · 15/12/2020 10:31

All these comments about how he’ll give her a disease are as ridiculous as the ones about how he’ll abuse the child. Just take precautions ffs. It’s not that difficult. We all do that in life anyway. I’ve managed to date for the last 20 years without picking up a disease.

Whilst I agree with this 100%. It did make me laugh, as I can only assume that the reason the op is pregnant from what is in all intents and purposes, a ONS, is because taking precautions is not something the OP or the men she sleeps with are very good at doing.

Grenlei · 15/12/2020 10:44

Let's look at this differently - what if the OP was pregnant by donor sperm?

Would that make her more entitled to date whilst pregnant because she wasn't a bad judge of men or careless with contraception? Hmm

Honestly the attitudes on this thread! No wonder MN gets such a bad press for being middle aged and judgmental.

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 10:45

It sounds like the OP, much like my own situation, didn't plan to have a baby with her Ex.

If she has been single for 4 years, and casually dating, he's not an ex.

In general I'm probably not the only person who finds it ironic that people have extremely high standards and be very fussy in their choice of long-term partner, but simultaneously risk pregnancy with and then have a father for their child who doesn't even meet their standards for a partner.

Grenlei · 15/12/2020 10:53

Perhaps because the OP considers herself to be well equipped to raise a child alone? (as I did, and was, my child is now an adult, very well adjusted and successful despite my heinous act of not providing him with a father).

And why does this someone make her worse or more deserving of criticism than the typical MN poster who marries her dream man who earns a 6 figure salary, gives up work to be a SAHM and raise their children, and gets royally fucked over when a few years later he becomes violent or aggressive, or starts shagging a co-worker, or whatever? Are they not also poor judges of character? Weren't fussy enough?

Personally I didn't consider having a man around permanently was essential to have a baby and wasn't prepared to waste an opportunity to have a child waiting for the right man to turn up.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 10:57

@happystone

Skittlebug most men think like this I went to work this morning and asked the men apex 30 men not one would want to date pregnant women one even though it illegal. Most said nasty and would not want to go there.one said ifs it’s got a hole then it’s a gole this just about says it all.
One of them thought it was illegal? Is that if the sex is with the father of the child, or just if it's not? He can't actually have thought that, obviously. Otherwise he sounds as thick as the 'any holes a goal' bloke.

FWIW I agree that most men wouldn't date someone who was pregnant (if the baby wasn't theirs) but funnily enough I don't feel the need to judge those who would. And certainly don't feel the need to use the descriptors you have done.

Well done for dialling down the misogynist language today though, step in the right direction.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/12/2020 11:10

This reply has been deleted

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NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/12/2020 11:12

Perhaps because the OP considers herself to be well equipped to raise a child alone?

People can be wrong about many things in life and it's perfectly possible for this to be one of them.

CakeRequired · 15/12/2020 11:13

@Grenlei

You were happy with essentially a sperm donor though of a man. Op clearly isn't. As someone else said, I think she'd have liked a relationship with the father, but he is the one not interested. He doesn't even sound interested in being a father, but she wants to include him, rightly so. He's not likely to stick around, he's already reducing contact. Really he should be stepping up, getting involved and checking that the mother of his child is happy and well, he doesn't care. Plus your guy was an ex partner, ops isn't. She has been single for 4 years. Therefore he is either a one night stand or fwb. It wasn't a proper relationship, it's been an accident.

But I still don't think she is ready for a relationship, even if she wasn't pregnant. She's looking at this the wrong way. She's lonely and wants attention from someone, possibly been rejected by the last guy. That's how you end up in bad relationships unfortunately usually, because anyone will do. She needs to be happy on her own, happy with herself and then start looking for a relationship. Right now is not the time.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 15/12/2020 11:18

Is a man the priority for you right now? If it is, then you can at least be honest from the beginning and tell him you are pregnant.

efes · 15/12/2020 11:18

It's not something that I would even consider.

Taikoo · 15/12/2020 11:20

Mother of god.

I think you should prioritise other more important things over finding a man, for a while. A long while

Bronzino · 15/12/2020 11:21

Cripes, you sound in a bit of a muddle. Can’t you go solo for a bit and work some stuff out? I wouldn’t involve a third party, but if you really can’t cope alone then you must tell him. But do give being alone a shot for a bit, you’ll gain more than you ever will from any relationship.

funinthesun19 · 15/12/2020 11:31

It’s ridiculous that people are saying it’s misogynistic that people think it’s icky and selfish for a pregnant woman to be having sex.

If that man has an STD what then? What about something really serious like HIV? This isn’t about misogyny... it’s about someone being really fucking stupid. 🤷🏼‍♀️

rookgizzardpie · 15/12/2020 11:35

the STD risk is a red herring. I’ve been having sex for 20 years and haven’t caught anything because I use condoms, it’s how they work. It’s a front for pure misogyny which is pretty fucking depressing

Viviennemary · 15/12/2020 11:36

I wouldn't date a man with a pregnant partner. It would be immoral.

ProudAuntie76 · 15/12/2020 11:42

@rookgizzardpie

the STD risk is a red herring. I’ve been having sex for 20 years and haven’t caught anything because I use condoms, it’s how they work. It’s a front for pure misogyny which is pretty fucking depressing
Good for you.

The OP is pregnant with an unplanned child to a casual partner.

Miniestelle · 15/12/2020 11:43

I think there is a bit of jealously involved in the negative comments. Kind of like 'how dare you date, and someone actually wants to date you when you are pregnant? What makes you so desirable? Who do you think you are?'
It could be a storyline in 'Call The Midwife'
Go for it OP, Good luck

TheQueensGambit · 15/12/2020 11:44

@rookgizzardpie

the STD risk is a red herring. I’ve been having sex for 20 years and haven’t caught anything because I use condoms, it’s how they work. It’s a front for pure misogyny which is pretty fucking depressing
Someone said exactly this up thread; "I've dated for 20 years and never caught anything". That may not be true. Genital warts are difficult to protect against, even using condoms. One in three sexually active people have them, some of those people do not have or do not notice any symptoms. It isn't a front for mysoginy, but it is useful info for anyone considering the possibility of having a new sexual partner. Genital warts can also be much more severe in pregnancy, as your immune system is lower. The chances aren't super high, but they aren't that low either.

I'm sure in some cases, STIs are used as a stick to beat women with, but that doesn't mean it is risk free. Like so many things, it is grossly unfair for women, but the chances of catching STIs is higher for women (or those being penetrated) than it is for the person doing the penetration. Add to that, that STIs can be more severe in pregnancy, and it is something worth considering. It isn't fair and it isn't nice that women should have the burden of having to consider this. But denying that it is a risk at all is really stupid.

GreenlandTheMovie · 15/12/2020 11:44

Car crash.

Going from one casual hook up to another is grim. I dont for one moment believe that the OP is going to be the one person who finds non sexual companionship through online dating, particularly when the man she was sleeping with 15 weeks ago now wants nothing more to do with her after thus accidental pregnancy.

So it's likely these dating attempts will involve the usual trash sex talk or the OP leading men on then being ghosted once she reveals she's pregnant, not actual meet ups. Can you imagine the sort of man who would willingly meet a woman obviously pregnant with another man's baby (I'm assuming it will take a couple of months to get to the meet up stage)?

I'd feel disgusted, tainted and repulsed if a man whose ex was pregnant did this to me. I wouldn't knowingly go there, because as I said, people who go from one partner to another so quickly are not for me.

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 11:46

the STD risk is a red herring. I’ve been having sex for 20 years and haven’t caught anything because I use condoms, it’s how they work. It’s a front for pure misogyny which is pretty fucking depressing

Condoms are not 100% for herpes, hsv etc. You have just been fortunate you haven't had sex with someone who hasn't had herpes (or they did but if was dormant/not infectious when you had sex).

Secondly you were probably not pregnant during most of the 20 years - and so a foetus being affected by an std was not a concern.

Thirdly sometimes they break - just because it has not happened to you, dues t mean it doesn't happen. In which case they are useless obviously.

Fourthly, if op routinely used condoms (alongside a main.meghix if contraception as you should be doing with casual partners) it is not impossible but unlikely she'd be pregnant.