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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To date when pregnant?

562 replies

frabbit · 14/12/2020 19:36

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

OP posts:

Bizawit · 15/12/2020 09:05

@Grenlei so very well said.

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 09:05

I’ve been single for 4 years because I’m quite content on my own, however I have been dating in that time. I’m very fussy and won’t lower my standards just for the sake of being in a relationship, and that won’t change now.

I find the fact that you appear to be saying none if the men you've been dating have met your standards for a relationship, yet you've risked and continued a pregnancy with at least one of them; strange, almost ironically so.

Would standards for a father to a child not be as high or higher? (no matter what happens he'll be their biological father, they'll have to be told about him, and will probably want to know him even if they have another father figure in their life. His character will affect them if he has any contact with them. His character will affect how financially comfortable their life will be i.e. how much extra he chooses to provide above you'd earnings, state benefits and whatever your family might contribute) ..

This is another reason why a time-out from dating at this point seems like a good idea.

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 09:07

*your earnings

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 09:10

I should add, before posters comment that he has no choice in providing for his child .. that many men avoid child maintenance through some means of another if they're have low integrity, so their character does impact its likely payment. As well as voluntary contributions to all sorts of costs above and beyond basics.

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 15/12/2020 09:12

Why not? Worked out ok for Nessa and Dave Coaches....oh hang on

Skittlebug · 15/12/2020 09:17

@Bizawit so for having an opinion and a mindset? Which to be honest is the general consensus of society- even if it is outdated. Side note: Just remembered a story about my friend who was dating a bloke who's ex-girlfriend was heavily pregnant (they already one child)his girlfriend actually gave birth on one of their dates, he didn't tell my friend at the time but he had a phone call and disappeared for half an hour and he when he came back the atmosphere was a off, she found out on fb that his ex had given birth that night. My friend never heard from Him again and later discovered him and ex got back together afterwards, but I always that thought that was sick and so unfair, dirty ole dog. What's good for the goose is good for gander.

Aprilx · 15/12/2020 09:22

[quote WhatKatyDidNxt]@frabbit oh yeah, totally different if you were the dad. I’m sure barely anyone would bat an eyelid . Double standards aren’t cool[/quote]
Why do you think this? If I met a man on line and found that was expecting a baby with somebody else, I would politely decline a suggestion of a date. I don’t need that complication in my life.

If I found out about the pregnancy later on, I would be angry to have been deceived and brought into a life situation that I didn’t ask for.

Honeycomb129 · 15/12/2020 09:24

Tell him I was in the same position as you I met an amazing man and I told him straight away I was pregnant I’m now engaged to him, been together 7 years and have 2 boys together obviously not everyone will get that outcome but you can’t keep something like that back

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2020 09:27

@IrishMumSW19

Grim. Why are you even considering dating? Focus on your baby, not random blokes.

Baby is inside her, how many hours a day do you want her to meditate on her stomach and will limbs to sprout?? Should pregnant women in relationships not have fun ☺️ or fun 😜 times with their partners because they need to concentrate on their unborn child?

TheQueensGambit · 15/12/2020 09:28

Op, I explained where my assumption came from. You said "casual dating", which can often mean casual sex. Sorry you find the idea that I thoigut that's what you meant somehow offensive, but it really shouldn't be. As for your " as if I'd have sex with just anyone", well, umpire perfectly entitled to! That would be entirely your choice and nothing to take the hump over. I don't know you from Eve. I don't know how you like to date or who you choose to sleep with. You are a oeefect stranger to me whose name and face I haven't even seen. I was merely explaining from a practical perspective why I would be wary, (as you are) about any new sexual partner when pregnant. Even things which wouldn't necessarily harm your baby could be more severe while pregnant, as your immunity would be lower. Nothing to be offended or pearl clutchy over. I just think that's quite useful information in the circs.

ISpeakJive · 15/12/2020 09:28

So you want to socialise?
You want companionship?
Not looking for a relationship?
Not really into it for the sex?

Haven’t you got friends?

TheQueensGambit · 15/12/2020 09:29

Ugh typos. Silly phone!

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 09:30

just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention of a dating partner

I'd be skeptical of the likelihood of any woman meeting a man for these things in the quagmire that is online dating (as can be seen from multiple threads on here) let alone with the added complication of being pregnant. Finding someone decent, well intentioned, not sex-seeking online is often a lengthy mass trash-sifting exercise for even non pregnant women (and many get so disappointed and jaded by the process they take time outs of stop altogether).

CoRhona · 15/12/2020 09:33

My gorgeous single mother friend went out for the first time after her baby was born and met someone she is now married to...

happystone · 15/12/2020 09:36

Look on bright side can’t get pregnant.some people just love men and sex it’s there needs that come first poor kid,how many daddy’s will be it it’s first years.ask your mum and friends what they think,this is a wind up

happystone · 15/12/2020 09:38

Corhona fair play to your friend.but she waited until after baby was born.nothing wrong with what she did

CakeRequired · 15/12/2020 09:38

There's nothing wrong so much with you wanting to date, but honestly, you do not sound even remotely ready.

You say you are very fussy. Er look who your baby's dad is. He won't even talk to you now. You were single for 4 years, so he was a one night stand or a friend with benefits arrangement that's gone slightly wrong. How is that being very fussy? You've got a father for your child who is likely to bugger off into the sunset and forget you both exist. That's not fussy.

You actually sound like you just crave companionship and attention, from literally anyone. Understandable after 4 years of being single and watching your friends have relationships, but look where its got you. A single parent, don't kid yourself, the father is running away. Your hormones are not going to help here, they will only make that feeling worse.

I think you need time to yourself, have your baby, settle into being a parent and then when you are actually happy by yourself, then start looking for a man. Don't go looking for one just because you don't want to be alone, which is what is happening. You will not find a decent man when you're desperate for attention, that's when the creeps come out.

CakeRequired · 15/12/2020 09:43

Why do you think this? If I met a man on line and found that was expecting a baby with somebody else, I would politely decline a suggestion of a date. I don’t need that complication in my life.

If I found out about the pregnancy later on, I would be angry to have been deceived and brought into a life situation that I didn’t ask for.

Agreed with you too. I would not be in a relationship with a man with a child on the way or if he had a child at all. I'm not convinced I want to be a mum at all, certainly not a step mum. And would be highly pissed off if he lied about it, but least op isn't doing that.

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 09:46

Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Also note that you say "father wants to be involved with baby but that's as far as it goes" which implies (correct me if I'm wrong) that you might've have been open to a relationship but he is not, that the current status quo is his choice.

That could feel like a blow to the ego/a rejection, it would have been disappointing and stressful, being an expectant mother in a situation where the father is choosing to only have the absolute minimum involvement with only the baby (apparently dictated only by a basic moral obligation to his offspring) is not a situation most women aspire to. If you has the slightest opened to a relationship with him, it could feel like you've been put in the "shag, not relationship" box and now he's reluctantly minimally having contact because of an unplanned pregnancy. If you barely talk, things have obviously broken down to the point where there's not even civility. That doesn't really tally with your carefree, almost indifferent account of your dating to date and attitude now etc. There seems to be a lot left out here about what's happened with the father before and since the pregnancy became apparent.

This is one if the reasons why getting into dating now while pregnant fir attention/validation/support etc seems like a bad idea. Seems like this all needs emotionally processed, not dating as a distraction or for support you very well may not get.

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 09:49

I see Cakerequired has come to similar conclusions.

Bizawit · 15/12/2020 09:51

@CakeRequired

Why do you think this? If I met a man on line and found that was expecting a baby with somebody else, I would politely decline a suggestion of a date. I don’t need that complication in my life.

If I found out about the pregnancy later on, I would be angry to have been deceived and brought into a life situation that I didn’t ask for.

No one was suggesting that she lie about it. The question was does she need to disclose this before she’s even met him for the first time. Are you online dating at the moment? If you are , I imagine you have specified you don’t want children/ wouldn’t date someone with children? Otherwise you are at risk of going on a date with a man in this situation, who may have no intention of lying, but doesn’t necessarily feel like he needed to tell you before he’s even had one date with you and knew whether he ever intended to see you again. That would be perfectly normal and reasonable.

Grenlei · 15/12/2020 09:52

CakeRequired what an unpleasant post.

It sounds like the OP, much like my own situation, didn't plan to have a baby with her Ex. Contraceptive accidents happen. I'm not going to speak for the OP but in my position I continued with my pregnancy because I knew that I could emotionally and financially provide for a baby on my own. It was my choice not to involve his father, there was no 'running away\

I was and always have been very fussy in choosing a long term partner. My DP is the first man I have ever felt met my standards. I met him when I was 40. If I'd waited until then to have children chances are I would have missed the boat.

Being fussy doesn't preclude dating. Indeed not jumping into a long term relationship with the first bloke who asks is a positive.

Bizawit · 15/12/2020 09:52

[quote Skittlebug]@Bizawit so for having an opinion and a mindset? Which to be honest is the general consensus of society- even if it is outdated. Side note: Just remembered a story about my friend who was dating a bloke who's ex-girlfriend was heavily pregnant (they already one child)his girlfriend actually gave birth on one of their dates, he didn't tell my friend at the time but he had a phone call and disappeared for half an hour and he when he came back the atmosphere was a off, she found out on fb that his ex had given birth that night. My friend never heard from Him again and later discovered him and ex got back together afterwards, but I always that thought that was sick and so unfair, dirty ole dog. What's good for the goose is good for gander. [/quote]
Wow well I do agree this second scenario is pretty appalling behaviour!

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2020 10:00

@happystone

Corhona fair play to your friend.but she waited until after baby was born.nothing wrong with what she did

So it's ok to pursue a relationship when someone is having to care for baby in order for you to go out and date / have a relationship / bring men you don't know that we'll into the house with baby but when baby is the size of size fruit or other and needs no input beyond good food and a bit of chat, it's wrong? How does that work??

happystone · 15/12/2020 10:01

Skittlebug most men think like this I went to work this morning and asked the men apex 30 men not one would want to date pregnant women one even though it illegal. Most said nasty and would not want to go there.one said ifs it’s got a hole then it’s a gole this just about says it all.

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