To date when pregnant?

[frabbit]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

There’s nothing technically wrong with you dating OP so all that really matters is how you feel about it/what you want to do.

I have a small DC and am 14 weeks pregnant myself. Personally I would never have dated whilst pregnant, as you said earlier, ‘it feels yucky’ and is find myself asking questions about a guy who wanted to date a pregnant woman when the child wasn’t theirs (pregnancy is a very real fetish).

Plus I suppose starting a new relationship for me has always been quite a physically and emotionally vulnerable time. I always feel there is a risk when I date a new guy, they’re a bit of an unknown quantity and those first few months are all about summing them up and navigating the early stages. The thought of that whilst pregnant/hormonal and vulnerable makes me feel cringey.

I also would worry I’d feel pressured to behave in a certain way. For example (due to bleeding episodes) DH and I haven’t DTD this entire pregnancy and probably won’t for some time. I feel very comfortable with this and he’s totally onboard as prioritises his baby over his penis. I think I would feel more conscious and a bit guilty with a new partner. Almost like the pregnancy was ‘getting in the way’

I think the reactions come from a sort of shock that you'd increase any risks to your health whilst pregnant.

Dating is risky...I don't care what anyone says. You're meeting men you don't know, possibly getting intimate with them. That carries risk.

Grim. Why are you even considering dating? Focus on your baby, not random blokes.

Wow, some pathetic attitudes on display in this thread. I don't know why I'm surprised really... Enjoy your date, OP.

I would be very wary of a man who wanted to date someone who was pregnant by another man. Especially during the latter months,

Why? This bloke didn't know OP was pregnant when he started "talking" to her.

OP glad you've told him, enjoy your date.

Personally I think the fact that you even asked the question of whether you should tell him says everything one needs to know about your decision-making skills.

@happystone

Wheresmykimchi.English is not. My first language I hope your not a racist it is my view if she wants a friend fine no need to date why rush. Think about the babby

No I am not a racist , obviously. Il apologise for the corehent English comment but you know what I meant. Your last few comments have been offensive dribble that make no sense but are intended only to insult.

This comment was OK but your previous ones not so much.

@upsidedownwavylegs

Personally I think the fact that you even asked the question of whether you should tell him says everything one needs to know about your decision-making skills.

Or she's vulnerable , emotional , lonely and wanted some advice because of the judgement she knows she will receive from society.

Yeah if you need advice on whether or not you should hide something as significant as a pregnancy from a potential romantic interest then you should not be dating. Absolutely weird to think it’s okay to inflict that on the man or the child.

Honestly I wouldn’t you can be extra vulnerable when pregnant, physically and emotionally, and this may change your behaviour towards potential partners and may make you more likely to be with someone who might not be good for you.
I would focus on strengthening your family and friend relationships build a lovely team around you xx

@upsidedownwavylegs

Yeah if you need advice on whether or not you should hide something as significant as a pregnancy from a potential romantic interest then you should not be dating. Absolutely weird to think it’s okay to inflict that on the man or the child.

I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying this thread has shown less about her decision making skills yet highlighted the very attitudes that probably put her off.

But it's by the by because she's told him and he's fine.

I suppose I would wonder, if you don't tell them straight off, when do you? Ok if the first date doesn't go well and you aren't showing then you never have to, but when is then 'serious' enough to have to, and would they then be really annoyed with you by that point? As PP said, you'd basically force them to be the bad guy, which is unfair. Glad you're being upfront, nothing wrong with pregnant women dating!

Urrgh didn't realise how judgemental people are. Slightly different in that I knew DP from work, but I was pregnant when we met. We just clicked, he is honestly my soul mate. I split up with the dad when I was in early pregnancy and our relationship developed whilst I was pregnant. We took it slowly and officially got together when baby was a bit older. He's not some weirdo / pregnant lady fetish / child abuser he just happened to like me and circumstances were what they were? I wasn't looking for a 'dad's for my baby and he wasn't a creep with an ulterior motive, it just was what it was. Many years later we are very happy and I'm pleased he saw past me as some sort of walking incubator

@upsidedownwavylegs

Yeah if you need advice on whether or not you should hide something as significant as a pregnancy from a potential romantic interest then you should not be dating. Absolutely weird to think it’s okay to inflict that on the man or the child.

There are any number of significant things about oneself that one might nog want to share with a first date (before even meeting!) for example, What about if she had a disability or disease ? Or are disabled people not allowed to date unless they disclose all in advance? ( Since you appear to be very narrow minded maybe you would draw this conclusion ..)

Er, pregnancy and disability are not analogous. It’s more akin to, “so are married people not allowed to date unless they disclose all in advance?”

My ex used to tell the story of his “date from hell”. He arranged a nice little afternoon tea date which was fairly expensive with a woman he’d recently met IRL and after becoming friends, she’d indicated interest in him saying she was online dating and wished she could meet someone like him on there, so he asked her out and tried to make it a special first date seeing as she’d had some terrible online experiences. She had been extremely excited about the date, it was all looking promising.

Around ten minutes into the date, pretty much just as they were choosing was tea blends they wanted (and before the sandwiches and cake stand arrived), they are sitting on their little table for two right in the middle of this fancy hotel’s afternoon tea area and he saw the option for the champagne afternoon tea and said “shall we go for it? It’s my treat.”

“Haha. I’m pregnant.”

He said something like “funny joke, seriously, would you like a glass of bubble or not?” and she said again that she was pregnant. He took a while to realise that she wasn’t joking. She was quite bare faced about the whole thing, not seeing a problem. My ex was utterly utterly horrified. He said it was really awkward having to sit through the afternoon tea but he did the gentlemanly thing and didn’t walk out on her, drove her home safely.

His attitude was very much “who does that?!” and felt taken for a ride and deceived. He was pretty angry that she thought he’d be interested in dating a woman who was pregnant with another man’s child. He was also put off by the idea of a woman who was having unprotected sex with casual partners and had no wish to put his own health at risk and the idea that she continued to have no regard for the health of herself or her unborn child given that she was still on dating sites and looking for casual hookups. She seemed to think it shouldn’t be an issue with her being pregnant. I was with him when he told this story to friends, family etc and the attitude was pretty universal that it was “grim” and they all seemed quite repulsed by it.

MN is a window into another world.

Good idea to tell him.

Good luck.

@NameChange84

My ex used to tell the story of his “date from hell”. He arranged a nice little afternoon tea date which was fairly expensive with a woman he’d recently met IRL and after becoming friends, she’d indicated interest in him saying she was online dating and wished she could meet someone like him on there, so he asked her out and tried to make it a special first date seeing as she’d had some terrible online experiences. She had been extremely excited about the date, it was all looking promising.

Around ten minutes into the date, pretty much just as they were choosing was tea blends they wanted (and before the sandwiches and cake stand arrived), they are sitting on their little table for two right in the middle of this fancy hotel’s afternoon tea area and he saw the option for the champagne afternoon tea and said “shall we go for it? It’s my treat.”

“Haha. I’m pregnant.”

He said something like “funny joke, seriously, would you like a glass of bubble or not?” and she said again that she was pregnant. He took a while to realise that she wasn’t joking. She was quite bare faced about the whole thing, not seeing a problem. My ex was utterly utterly horrified. He said it was really awkward having to sit through the afternoon tea but he did the gentlemanly thing and didn’t walk out on her, drove her home safely.

His attitude was very much “who does that?!” and felt taken for a ride and deceived. He was pretty angry that she thought he’d be interested in dating a woman who was pregnant with another man’s child. He was also put off by the idea of a woman who was having unprotected sex with casual partners and had no wish to put his own health at risk and the idea that she continued to have no regard for the health of herself or her unborn child given that she was still on dating sites and looking for casual hookups. She seemed to think it shouldn’t be an issue with her being pregnant. I was with him when he told this story to friends, family etc and the attitude was pretty universal that it was “grim” and they all seemed quite repulsed by it.

Your ex sounds like a bit of a prat.

I wouldn't personally, you've got enough on your plate without a new relationship added to the mix. If you do feel the need to date though, you should absolutely be upfront. Before long there'll be no hiding it anyway.

@upsidedownwavylegs

Er, pregnancy and disability are not analogous. It’s more akin to, “so are married people not allowed to date unless they disclose all in advance?”

I didn’t say pregnancy and disability were the same. You said if she was contemplating whether or not she should share “something so significant” with her date, she shouldn’t be dating. I pointed out that there are all kinds of significant facts about oneself that you might not be comfortable sharing before a first date, doesn’t mean your not allowed to date. I don’t think dating while pregnant is the same as dating while married. It is a commonplace expectation that a relationship may involve children, it’s not commonplace to expect that it will involve another spouse.

Having read you original post more carefully, I will revise my comment - your ex sounds like a massive a-hole. Lucky escape for the woman! I guess that’s one good reason to be honest - wards off the men like that.

@Bizawit why because he didn't want to date a pregnant woman?

I think there are some pretty poor attitudes displayed on this thread by those who are normally pretty vocal about women's rights etc. Telling a woman to stay home or get her priorities right? What a load of patriarchal bullshit!

We are not in Victorian times. Women who are pregnant don't have to be sequestered away, they are allowed to work and socialise while pregnant. Why therefore should the single OP not be allowed to date? Do you think the father of her child is sitting at home eagerly awaiting his child's arrival? Then why should she have to?

This just demonstrates how little life experience most posters have outside the husband and 2 kids set up. Those posters can't imagine not snuggling up to 'hubby' every night when pregnant, being supported through pregnancy, and hence the raft of narrow minded responses.

As someone who was single when pregnant (and not with the father, we split up before I even knew I was pregnant and he wasn't involved with my child at all) I still went out to pubs and bars with friends, and (shockingly) still dated. I didn't look pregnant until I was 7+ months, and as such I decided I wouldn't mention it unless I met someone I felt I might go beyond 1-2 dates with. Just in the same way as I might not have mentioned a particular health issue. In fact years on, when I was dating then as a single parent of 2 children, I would never discuss or even mention my children for the first couple of dates until I knew if there was any potential there. Why reveal lots of personal information if I don't have to?

As to the suggestion the OP should go to mother and baby groups...they will be full of happily coupled up parents. I can't think of anywhere she might feel more out of place and conscious of being on her own.

I hope OP you are able to rise above some of the more judgmental comments on here and go on your date.

[quote Skittlebug]@Bizawit why because he didn't want to date a pregnant woman?[/quote]
No, because he was “utterly horrified” (judgemental) and “angry” (entitled) and then proceeded to make all kinds of judgements about her, to the effect that she was a slut, who was likely to have diseases and had no regard for the “health of her unborn child” (misogynistic).

Here was me thinking he sounded like a very sensible young man! Totally understandable in my opinion, especially as he could presumably quite easily date women who weren’t pregnant and shared his values. While there may be a minority of men who are ok dating a pregnant woman or even taking on the child and having a more serious long term relationship, let’s not kid ourselves that it’s the vast majority of men who wouldn’t have a problem with it. I wouldn’t judge anyone who didn’t want to pursue a relationship with someone who was expecting someone else’s child (male or female).