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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

348 replies

kikot · 14/12/2020 19:34

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

OP posts:
inquietant · 15/12/2020 20:57

Out of interest, given she couldn't go out so would have spent less, why did the reduction in wages to 80% on furlough cause problems?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 15/12/2020 20:57

Bloody hell, we grew up poor and had to work through university without any financial support from parents

Did you spend three months cooped up in a room, unable to go out and worrying abut cash but unable to earn money because all the usual places where students work are shut? I don't think most people over 30 have a clue what things are like for young people at the moment.

inquietant · 15/12/2020 21:00

I agree she span a sob story. Genuinely intrigued how many saying they'd pander to this. No wonder the country is going to the dogs Grin

I thought she might have been assaulted or something. But no, she just thinks her parents should give her more money.

I still wonder why the other people in her flat have fallen out with her. Maybe she called them.cunts too?

inquietant · 15/12/2020 21:03

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Bloody hell, we grew up poor and had to work through university without any financial support from parents

Did you spend three months cooped up in a room, unable to go out and worrying abut cash but unable to earn money because all the usual places where students work are shut? I don't think most people over 30 have a clue what things are like for young people at the moment.

I think I do understand as I have children in the same age group! Plus other relatives. Plus their friends. Plus I work with young people including students.

Nothing that has happened makes this behaviour acceptable.

Skyshale · 15/12/2020 21:04

@Holly60 I have reread your comment and understand now more what you were getting at - please accept my apology! I thought you meant it would traumatise him for life (I was getting ready for work so was a bit rushed this morning).

Thank you for your kind words Smile It's great when people can have different opinions and not get mad at each other!

00100001 · 15/12/2020 21:04

[quote Tiktaktoe]@00100001 so because she spun a sob story it was acceptable to feed her 13 year old brother alcohol?? Really??
The reason for the behaviour was because her friends parents gave them more money than the OP gave to her and that makes her behaviour acceptable?
We obviously have very different outlooks on respect, boundaries and personal responsibility.[/quote]
Ok. Fine when your child comes home from nursery/school/uni/wherever and behaves in an odd and unusual way and lashes out, feel free to focus on the bad behaviour, and push them away from you. Focus on that behaviour only,in isolation...don't address the underlying issues... nope. Good job done. 👍

Lavanderrose · 15/12/2020 21:05

Cry for help, don’t push her away... give boundaries but also her own freedoms.

BlueThistles · 15/12/2020 21:09

I wish people would read the Thread 🙄

Tiktaktoe · 15/12/2020 21:13

@00100001 no where did I say I would turn my child away, no where did I say I would send her packing. Those aren't the only options! How about getting to the root of the matter at the start of the week rather than ignore it and watch it escalate to the point where a 13 year old child is being fed alcohol and the only repercussions is to have a 'stern talk'? It is no wonder the child thinks she can behave any way she wants.
You agree with the softly softly approach being taken by the parent, I patently don't. We'll have to agree to disagree!

Happymum12345 · 15/12/2020 21:13

Somethings is definitely wrong. She needs you to be calm and loving. It’s so hard when they behave like this to do just that, but it’s what she needs.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/12/2020 21:14

Hormones don’t always rage at this age🧐

We’ve had 3 through uni. None of them behaved like that, and neither did l at 19. I wouldn’t have dreamt of it.

ListeningQuietly · 15/12/2020 21:15

@kikot

I definitely intend to talk again about what me and DH can do for the next term to make her time more enjoyable. She made a comment that she preferred the time she spent facetiming DS than the time she spoke to me and DH which did hurt.

In terms of money I didn't realise she was so worried to the extent that she was about it and could always have given her some more rather than allow her feelings of abandonment to fester.

@kikot I get that. Both parts.

Her brother does not judge, just witters and shares memes.

She does not want to seem "grabbing" with you when she knows the economy is going to hell in a hand cart.

THe main thing is that over the next month
EACH of you need to take one to one long walks with her
your DH, you, her brother
each covering the bits you are best at

its been a shitty year
hopefully you can build a fab relationship with a resilient daughter out of it

NiceGerbil · 15/12/2020 21:25

I think you did the right thing OP.

I'm amazed at how many posters would chuck out an 18 yo and that's the end of that.

We invest so much in our children to just discard one like that I find it so strange.

Everyone's different though I suppose.

00100001 · 15/12/2020 21:30

[quote Tiktaktoe]@00100001 no where did I say I would turn my child away, no where did I say I would send her packing. Those aren't the only options! How about getting to the root of the matter at the start of the week rather than ignore it and watch it escalate to the point where a 13 year old child is being fed alcohol and the only repercussions is to have a 'stern talk'? It is no wonder the child thinks she can behave any way she wants.
You agree with the softly softly approach being taken by the parent, I patently don't. We'll have to agree to disagree![/quote]
I never said the only repercussions should be a stern Tali. But, yes, Indo believe on the "softly softly" approach of finding the reason behind the behaviour first. Especially if the behaviour is out of the ordinary. Then finding consequences of it's deemed necessary by me.

However at 18, I'm not sure what consequences you would implement? Apart from explaining how disappointed/hurt OP was, having DD apologise to the necessary parties, have DD explain to 13yo what they did and said was wrong etc.

Yes, perhaps the OP should have addressed this sooner, but she didn't, and the consequences of that decision are as described in the OP. And she has learned that talking to her children helps a lot,and she now nows to do this sooner rather than later.

Everyone makes mistakes.

If every mistake you ever made was met with harsh punishment, you would possibly kick out more or not seek help from those who claim to love and support you, or hide the truth and struggle alone...

inquietant · 15/12/2020 21:31

I wouldn't have 'discarded' just been a lot quicker to discuss the behaviour and offered the choice to stop being offensive or stay elsewhere.

I have been through messy situations like this, it worked out ok, maybe if it hadn't I would have a different view.

NiceGerbil · 15/12/2020 21:32

It wasn't to anyone in particular I'd guess about half the posters said they'd chuck her out.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 15/12/2020 21:36

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Hormones don’t always rage at this age🧐

We’ve had 3 through uni. None of them behaved like that, and neither did l at 19. I wouldn’t have dreamt of it.

Oh well done, you.

As I said upthread, I wouldn't have bothered being angry with my mother as a teenager because she didn't give a fuck about my needs. So I was always calm and well-behaved because I knew she was incapable of handling emotion. All an expression of emotion would have got me was a painful reminder that she wasn't willing or able to meet my needs. Maybe your kids feel the same?

Either way, it's not a fucking competition.

Tiktaktoe · 15/12/2020 21:40

Confused @00100001

00100001 · 15/12/2020 21:43

Why are you confused?

inquietant · 15/12/2020 21:45

@NiceGerbil

It wasn't to anyone in particular I'd guess about half the posters said they'd chuck her out.
This is interesting as I perceived this thread to be much more weighted towards 'have a little chat' so maybe we all read things very differently. Anyway, that's a side issue!
PimlicoJo · 16/12/2020 09:03

Well done OP for having the discussion. There are some very judgemental responses on this thread. I'm truly shocked that some people would just throw her out without trying to find out what is causing such unacceptable behaviour.

XjustagirlX · 16/12/2020 10:29

Well done OP! I’m shocked at the amount of responses of throw her out. Anyone who could do this to their child is a terrible parent.

Just because someone is 18 does not mean they are suddenly an adult with perfect control of their emotions.

Your daughter was clearly struggling and was crying out for help in her own way. A lot of people will lash out at the people they love as they don’t know where to direct their anger and upset.

It sounds like she has been really struggling at uni and she felt like you didn’t fully understand what it has been like and were not as supportive as she expected you to be. I doubt it is just financial help but will be emotional help and understanding of her situation she is hoping for. Also at uni she will ne surrounded by people who have parents paying for everything so she will naturally be comparing the situations.

You have handled it well OP.

MrsMiaWallis · 16/12/2020 14:16

As I said upthread, I wouldn't have bothered being angry with my mother as a teenager because she didn't give a fuck about my needs. So I was always calm and well-behaved because I knew she was incapable of handling emotion. All an expression of emotion would have got me was a painful reminder that she wasn't willing or able to meet my needs. Maybe your kids feel the same?

What a spiteful thing to say to someone.

MrsMiaWallis · 16/12/2020 14:18

We’ve had 3 through uni. None of them behaved like that, and neither did l at 19. I wouldn’t have dreamt of it

Nor did any of mine. What the OP describes is not normal, but she's handling it well

faithfulbird20 · 16/12/2020 14:32

She's lashing out at you either because something has happened at uni or she feels anger at you about something. Please don't push her away. Avoid talking to her/telling her off. At first I thought maybe she's been taking drugs or something but then why would she show so much anger for basic things? Something is going on, you'll have to get to the bottom of it when she's calm. Can you ask your DS if she's okay because you're worried about her? Will he tell you? Even if he tells her mums been asking about you she might let her guard down.