Page 11 | To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

kikot · 2020-12-14T19:34:12+00:00

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13). I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother. Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me. She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

inquietant · 15/12/2020 18:24

Have you bollocked her for buying beers for your younger child?

I hope she has apologised profusely.

I'd be interested to know why she has fallen out with people.

Scottishskifun · 15/12/2020 18:27

@kikot great that she has started opening up to you. Hopefully the break will help the flat mate issues as well.

I suggest continuing the conversation with her but also asking her for what she would want for next term from you guys to be able to help her going forward. Be it regular set video calls, a semi regular family quiz night or a mum daughter cup of tea catch up every few days. Really listen to her suggestions as well.

In terms of furlough she will be worried about money so I suggest also sitting down with her and helping her really budget properly. Do some cooking over the break with her teach her some low cost recipes etc. Chickpeas and lentils are fab for keeping costs low but food healthy and filling. Help isn't always giving extra money.

Worth saying as well that majority of universities also have hardship funds that you can apply for usually only once a year so if she wasn't aware that's also a possibility which can help. The student union also has welfare officers who help students.

Hardbackwriter · 15/12/2020 18:29

@Tiktaktoe

So she is jealous of other people and that is an excuse to treat you and your home like shit? You have raised a winner there!

What did your parents do wrong to raise someone who posts nasty comments to people having a tough time on the internet?

JustDanceAddict · 15/12/2020 18:32

Just seen you’ve talked & that’s great. Only those with teens at uni this year can really understand the tough times they’ve had. Even if they’ve met nice people it’s not the same. As you said, she’d fallen out w flatmates and when they’re your main group as you can’t socialise properly it’s even more upsetting than it would be in non-Covid times.,

Original poster

kikot · 15/12/2020 18:35

I definitely intend to talk again about what me and DH can do for the next term to make her time more enjoyable. She made a comment that she preferred the time she spent facetiming DS than the time she spoke to me and DH which did hurt.

In terms of money I didn't realise she was so worried to the extent that she was about it and could always have given her some more rather than allow her feelings of abandonment to fester.

OP posts:

Buzzer3555 · 15/12/2020 18:41

Dig deep..don't send her away. As pp have said you need to be the adult here and say the way she she speaks to you is uncceptable. Suggest she takes time out with a relative or friend but she is always welcome home. Can her dad and brother not be there to support you when you have the conversation? Good luck.

Xenia · 15/12/2020 18:41

Hormones rage for children of this age. I have had 5 of them some easier than others.

I am sure the whole family does not want her shunted back to university and to miss Christmas but she needs to be kinder to others at home. I tended to find the opposite - that when ours came home they felt so glad to be back they were a bit nicer than before they left even although some definitely left a mess or got home late.

She seems to be lashing out probably to find out if you love her so just tread carefully.

Money is certainly a problem for many of them and also it can be the first time you meet people who are very rich (or not at all well off) so quite an eye opener for many.

00100001 · 15/12/2020 18:51

Well done OP 👍

As for the PPs that said kick her out... What shit advice!!

00100001 · 15/12/2020 18:57

@Tiktaktoe

So she is jealous of other people and that is an excuse to treat you and your home like shit? You have raised a winner there!

Wow, a person makes one bad call and all of a sudden you write them off for life 👍

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 15/12/2020 19:02

Send her back. Such a lack of respect. Has she found out some dark family secret she might hate you for or something.

billybagpuss · 15/12/2020 19:03

@kikot

I definitely intend to talk again about what me and DH can do for the next term to make her time more enjoyable. She made a comment that she preferred the time she spent facetiming DS than the time she spoke to me and DH which did hurt.

In terms of money I didn't realise she was so worried to the extent that she was about it and could always have given her some more rather than allow her feelings of abandonment to fester.

The problem is they get in their heads that you should react in a certain way, or that you still have that magic wand that you used when she was 3 and bumped her knee. So she resents that you couldn’t make covid go away and make everything ok again, whereas she has no such expectations of DS.

The first Christmas with dd home was bloody awful, I miss her so much but it was a relief when she went back. It did get better.

inquietant · 15/12/2020 19:07

@kikot

I definitely intend to talk again about what me and DH can do for the next term to make her time more enjoyable. She made a comment that she preferred the time she spent facetiming DS than the time she spoke to me and DH which did hurt.

In terms of money I didn't realise she was so worried to the extent that she was about it and could always have given her some more rather than allow her feelings of abandonment to fester.

Its not your job to make uni work for her. To me it sounds like you're taking too much on.

Its your role to help her make it work for herself.

Don't give her more money unless it is genuinely needed too.

00100001 · 15/12/2020 19:08

@LoveMyKidsAndCats

Send her back. Such a lack of respect. Has she found out some dark family secret she might hate you for or something.

Lol, rtft

TroubleInSnowland · 15/12/2020 19:14

I work at our local university and am involved with some of the under-grad students. I would suggest that your daughter speaks with her personal tutor, or one of the unit leads and explain how she is feeling. We try and give our students as much support as possible. We know that student life is different his year and on our unit we have been trying to make things more fun. The students also have the opportunity to do some f2f tutorials/seminars. I’ve even had students unload about personal stuff, and whilst there isn’t a lot I can personally do about it, I can offer advice and point in the direction for getting help from others. Fingers crossed that next term will be much better for all of us.

MaryBear · 15/12/2020 19:19

My DD is coming home from uni on Thursday and I can't wait but if she spoke to me like that I would pack her stuff up and sling it out of the front door, swiftly followed by her! You've tried to speak to her about it and she's shot that down. I would tell her firmly that you want her there for christmas but if she speaks to you like that again she can go back to uni and MEAN it. If you say it, you have to follow it through.

I would also be thinking about how you deal with this now will set out how your son decides to speak to you in future. If he sees her doing it, he might think it's ok and start it too.
If things don't improve when she goes back, I would also consider the financial help you give her. Life lesson that you can't speak to people that way and expect them to help you out.

I would obviously be making her know that if there's something bothering her at Uni or whatever that she can tell you and you can work it out together.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 15/12/2020 19:40

Awesome work, OP. This thread has been on my mind all day, and I'm so pleased to hear (without wanting to minimise her unhappiness) that nothing worse has happened to her.

And, though you're quite right to set boundaries, I agree with all the PPs saying she was being vile because she knows you love her and that it was safe to express her anger. I would never have spoken to my mother like that because she didn't give a flying fuck about my emotional needs. I'm not looking for sympathy - it was a long time ago - just making the point that a well-behaved child isn't necessary a happy or well-parented child.

00100001 · 15/12/2020 19:47

@MaryBear

My DD is coming home from uni on Thursday and I can't wait but if she spoke to me like that I would pack her stuff up and sling it out of the front door, swiftly followed by her! You've tried to speak to her about it and she's shot that down. I would tell her firmly that you want her there for christmas but if she speaks to you like that again she can go back to uni and MEAN it. If you say it, you have to follow it through.

I would also be thinking about how you deal with this now will set out how your son decides to speak to you in future. If he sees her doing it, he might think it's ok and start it too.
If things don't improve when she goes back, I would also consider the financial help you give her. Life lesson that you can't speak to people that way and expect them to help you out.

I would obviously be making her know that if there's something bothering her at Uni or whatever that she can tell you and you can work it out together.

But OP has just said that DD felt abandoned/uncared for etc so how is kicking her out (and therefore validating her feelings) the correct option??

mbosnz · 15/12/2020 19:52

Isn't this a really good starting point? For talking to each other like adults, and acknowledging (on both sides) what they could have done differently, what they can do differently, going forward?

Tiktaktoe · 15/12/2020 20:24

@00100001, @Hardbackwriter the OP states that her daughter has been absolutely vile to her and her. To top it all off she gave her 13 year old brother beer!
The daughters explanation is that other people got more support (aka money) from their parents therefore she has acted out in retaliation. The OP's response is that she should work harder for her daughter!
My parents taught me to use my words if I wanted something resolved, and most importantly to have respect for my parents and our home.

00100001 · 15/12/2020 20:31

[quote Tiktaktoe]**@00100001, @Hardbackwriter the OP states that her daughter has been absolutely vile to her and her. To top it all off she gave her 13 year old brother beer!
The daughters explanation is that other people got more support (aka money) from their parents therefore she has acted out in retaliation. The OP's response is that she should work harder for her daughter!
My parents taught me to use my words if I wanted something resolved, and most importantly to have respect for my parents and our home.[/quote]
Bit she also says this is out of character and has only happened since she started uni a few months ago.

So SOMETHING happened...and as it turns out, the DD was struggling with university, felt abandoned/uncared for etc so lashed out like this.

Now that the reason behind the behaviour is known. They can fix the problems, DD can apologise (hopefully) and they can all move on and help DD next semester.

Or you know... don't bother to help her, Kick her out after being isolated for 3 months, and let her solve her own problems and never let her darken their door again.... 🙄

goopsoup · 15/12/2020 20:34

Bloody hell, we grew up poor and had to work through university without any financial support from parents and we would never have spoke to our parents that way. Her explanation doesn’t really excuse her behaviour.

00100001 · 15/12/2020 20:42

@goopsoup

Bloody hell, we grew up poor and had to work through university without any financial support from parents and we would never have spoke to our parents that way. Her explanation doesn’t really excuse her behaviour.

It may not excuse it, bit it explains it. And if the behaviour isn't repeated, then it's acceptable.

Of DD gets extra support emotionally, financially, socially, educationally etc,and her behaviour continues,then it's a separate issue.

And the DD didn't say it was just the finances that were the issue.

inquietant · 15/12/2020 20:45

@goopsoup

Bloody hell, we grew up poor and had to work through university without any financial support from parents and we would never have spoke to our parents that way. Her explanation doesn’t really excuse her behaviour.

I agree. The explanation actually makes it worse to me.

She sounds entitled and spoilt - and the op is going to try to do more, so calling her mum a cunt has worked .

AMCoffeePMWine · 15/12/2020 20:51

Well done OP. You’re a good Mum. Keep talking to her and offering your support, it sounds like she needs it. Hope Xmas works out well for your family.

Tiktaktoe · 15/12/2020 20:57

@00100001 so because she spun a sob story it was acceptable to feed her 13 year old brother alcohol?? Really??
The reason for the behaviour was because her friends parents gave them more money than the OP gave to her and that makes her behaviour acceptable?
We obviously have very different outlooks on respect, boundaries and personal responsibility.