To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

[kikot]

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

OP, you need to present it to her as a choice. Explain that the things she has said are very hurtful and her behaviour is not acceptable. Tell her she can either show some respect or she needs to move out; that it's up to her which decision she makes. Be clear to her that she can reverse the decision if she chooses but that the current situation is not going to continue.
If she has things on her mind you will listen and support her, but she cannot continue to be abusive.

i would not send her packing, can you get your DS on your side and find out what the issue is?

Is she restricting her calorie intake - doing that made my daughter very angry.

It sounds like there are things at play beyond her being rude for the sake of it. I would be firm, but let her know you are there for her. Something along the lines of, I am your mum, your safe place, but I will not tolerate this behaviour in our family home. If there is something you need support with I will support you, but if this carries on and you aren't willing to address it, then I am afraid we can't have you here.

That's firm, but also an open invite to talk it through, and know that she has your support.

[quote Skyshale]@Holly60 "I would also say it would be damaging to your son to see his sister kicked out. He would never forget that and it would be traumatic for him on so many levels."

I'm sorry but - traumatic? Massive overreaction. I saw my brother booted out the house for behaviour like this and it didn't traumatise me in the slightest. If anything it taught me not to behave like him. My brother is now a fit and healthy and intelligent 35 year old man with two gorgeous daughters. It doesn't hurt to enforce some discipline.[/quote]
That’s wonderful, I’m so pleased your brother has turned out so well and happy. And I’m so glad that you weren’t affected by him being kicked out. I just worry about these little ones and would be concerned he would miss his big sister at Christmas and would be worrying about her rather than enjoying the time as he should. I just worry it would be frightening for a little boy to see his sister removed from the family home.

But I am truly happy you weren’t affected by it

@inquietant

That first time home for Christmas when I was at uni was weird. Felt like a guest in my own home.

You are a guest after leaving home. And that's fine. You have other options at 18. That's what growing up is all about.

I find that really sad. I'm not a guest in my parents' house now, and I'm 33, and they're not guests in mine, and nor are my in-laws; they're family.

When I was a student my accommodation was term-time only so for nearly half the year my family home was my only home.

Really @Hardwriter? So if you came home from holiday and found your dad had redecorated your living room and invited some friends to stay that'd be ok? Because it's his home too.

Buying beer for her 13 year old brother would be the last straw for me and being called a cunt when I quite rightly had a problem with it would be insult to injury. No way would she be staying another night.

@Becca19962014

She most likely won't be allowed back into halls before the date and times agreed when she left due to covid. Kicking her out will mean to the street. And the OP will need to provide a letter stating this is the case. IF her daughter was allowed back (and that would be difficult to arrange given she's in hall) she wouldn't see anyone at all (all uni services close over Christmas there's never anything open for students at normal times never mind now) and if her mental health is suffering that would likely push her over the edge. Ive spent Christmas in uni halls and it's really tough. No services at all, no internet, nothing because everything was shutdown 23rd December until 2nd January.

Seriously that will not help her and, send a very clear message to the OPs son that his parents will overreact to any problems he may experience in the future himself meaning he won't speak up about any issues himself.

It's been ONE WEEK. I'm not condoning her behaviour, the OP should have addressed boundaries the moment her daughter got home, but she didn't, so now she has a larger problem to sort out, but she must sort it out.

Sorry you had such a miserable time @Becca19962014 but thankfully things have moved on and quite a number of students stay in halls over Christmas, including overseas students, students who don't have close family or who are estranged from theirs and this years students who are isolating. Whilst not all services and buildings are open they will all have some areas open and will provide activities and support for those students on site. I'm sure her contract gives her rights to be there over the break.

Saying that asking her to leave would be akin to kicking her out on the street is not true.

@Porcupineinwaiting

Really *@Hardwriter*? So if you came home from holiday and found your dad had redecorated your living room and invited some friends to stay that'd be ok? Because it's his home too.

Well I wouldn't be delighted if I came home and found that DH had redecorated the living room and had friends to stay without telling me either, and it's definitely his home...

No, of course I wouldn't like that, but I think there's a big line between that and being 'a guest'; I think it's a shame for family to be guests at all but really sad if we're talking about a university aged young adult. I've taught hundreds of university students and when they say 'home' they never mean a hall of residence.

I would give her the option show some respect in the family home or go back to the halls and act how she wants alone. I'm sure she will soon change her attitude.

@birdling

I was absolutely horrible to my parents when I first came home from uni. I'd been raped.

I'm so sorry that happened to you, birdling. :( I hope things are better for you now. Xx

For the OP, I agree with past posters that something seems to have triggered a change in your daughter. This goes well beyond past "tantrums". I hope you manage to discover the root cause. This is an extremely upsetting end to a difficult year and I send you my sympathies because idk what to suggest to help her open up to you.

She shouldn't be speaking to people like that clearly this isn't acceptable but it is obviously a massive cry for attention and help. Poor kid, hopefully op is getting to the bottom of it. As a pp said, when teenagers act like this, it's usually due to trauma/drugs/mental health.

@Tavannach

1. She is hitting out. She MEANS I’m angry 2. She is acting in inappropriate ways. She MEANS I’m hurt 3. She is being horrible to you. She MEANS mum please notice I’m angry and hurt and try to find out why. Again and again if necessary. She also MEANS I feel safe to show you I’m hurt and angry because I know you love me. 4. She came home. She MEANS I need you, and I need my home.

Totally agree with this.

Also, logistically, would she be able to go back to halls? Are they open?
I thought all students had to return home with few exceptions.

Totally agree with this. Please don’t kick her out. I think she needs help not alienation.

I would sit down and talk to her and try to find out why she’s being so vile. However, I would make it clear that if she doesn’t start respecting you and your rules then she needs to leave.
I would be concerned about her horrible behavior ruining Christmas for everyone else. Just because someone is family doesn’t mean you have to put up with being called a cunt and disrespected in your own home. She’s an adult and should be treated as one.

I cannot believe that people are telling you that sending your clearly miserable daughter back to university to spend Christmas alone is a reasonable thing to do. She is still your child. If she's 'morphed into a different person' it's your job to find out why and help her.

OP has clearly gone away
hopefully to walk in the sunshine with her child and get to the bottom of this.

Those of you who would kick a child out of home
for being upset and angry after a strange term at University

I have no words

Thanks for all your advice. I have managed to sit down with her this afternoon and follow your suggestions about having a firm but supportive conversation with her.

I started by saying that the way she was behaving was not acceptable and that it could not be tolerated any longer. However I am her mum and it is clear to me that there was something deeply affecting her.

After some initial resistance and subsequent cajoling from me she started to open up to me.

She says she has found the last 3 months very difficult as she has not had a single lecture or tutorial that wasn't online. She says that she has felt like a prisoner for most of the period. She is annoyed with me and DH as she feels that when she has told us things about it we have not taken it seriously particularly compared it to some of the others she shares in halls. I think has led her to become resentful of us

She is also angry with me and DH because when she was furloughed from her job in the November lockdown she doesn't feel like we showed any concern for her as she lost some of the wages from her part-time job. She says she felt abandoned compared to other parents of the people in the halls.

Unrelated to us she has also fallen out with a couple of her flatmates in the last couple of weeks and they are not being very nice to her because of this. She didn't want to tell me what they have fallen out about so feel there is more to this than she said.

I promised her that she is much loved by myself and DH and that I was sorry she did not feel that she had our support as nothing is further from the truth.

@kikot
Well done.

It gives me no pleasure to be right about how unhappy she is about her experience of Uni

but at least you are now communicating
and can make sure that she has a lovely relaxed time with you
and goes back in January with her head in a good place.

be willing to consider a change of flat for next term
the Uni will support her if needs be.

So glad she’s opened up OP, well done for persuading her to start talking!

I hope she feels relieved now she’s spoken to you and that things settle down. Maybe anticipate a rough few days as it gets closer to going back to uni in the new year.

So she is jealous of other people and that is an excuse to treat you and your home like shit?
You have raised a winner there!

As you can see this is a tough time for first year students and there will be a lot of this happening at the moment.

OP, at least you now have some idea of what is wrong with her. I hope you still let her know that her behaviour was unacceptable and that if she has issues she needs to reach out in a more constructive way.

My daughter also returned from uni but is pretty much the same thankfully (for better or worse).
This term has been so hard for new students as they’ve had limited social life, online delivery of courses and therefore not as easy to engage with new friends or tutors.
There’s no need for the swearing and aggression though, I would try and speak to her about it when she’s more amenable.
She can’t go back to halls, there won’t be anyone there now, how miserable would that be? They may even be completely locked up.

I'm glad you've talked and have a better idea of what's going on. Hopefully things will improve now.

Haven’t RTFT but drugs a possibility?