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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

348 replies

kikot · 14/12/2020 19:34

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

OP posts:
XmasShopper · 14/12/2020 23:01

I'm quite concerned that you've let this 'new' behaviour linger for this long and then contacted an anonymous forum about it.

I'm wondering if you and your DH are quite passive people and your DD has now seen the real world and has become very insecure and is angry that she wasn't prepared for it.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I can't fathom how you've allowed her to get away with this so far - it's worrying.

Was she a vert difficult teenager before uni? If not she sounds to me like she's going through a serious mental health crisis, or she's been taking some Class A drugs regularly that she's now massively coming down from.

Cannotcope4223 · 14/12/2020 23:16

@Bluntness100

She said she’s not behaved like this before, end of. That’s all she needs to say, you’re not entitled to more give over.
No she did not and you should be ashamed of yourself for trying to derail the thread. End of.
MrsMiaWallis · 14/12/2020 23:20

If my dd suddenly started behaving like this (which would be totally out of character) I'd assume either a huge mental health crisis, something awful happening while she was at uni, or drugs.

Rosehip10 · 14/12/2020 23:20

Could be snorting coke.

Smallgoon · 14/12/2020 23:24

@SilverBirchWithout

I agree smallgoon and a first time poster
Agreed. Not buying this at all.
WayTooSoon · 14/12/2020 23:30

I would never in a million years tell my mum to Fck off and I certainly would not dream of calling her a cnt! And my mum would show me the door pretty sharpish if I said it to her whilst I was staying under her roof AND she was supporting me financially. How dare she treat you this way?

Happylittlethoughts · 14/12/2020 23:47

Hahaha... as if I would have gotren away with this..tell her to pack her bags. Cheeky cow. Don't accept this under your roof

Smallgoon · 14/12/2020 23:49

OP has conveniently disappeared...

Noidontwantmootard · 14/12/2020 23:53

How is your son. Has he confided something in her to cause her disrespectful behaviour?
I would say she needs to be respectful or find somewhere else. What does your husband say?

uberraschtezwiebel · 15/12/2020 00:05

Drugs ?

RLGGG · 15/12/2020 00:20

My own child is a lot younger than your DD but I do work with her age group professionally. One thing that has always stuck with me (and I've found to be the case time and time again) is the saying 'love me when I least deserve it because that's when I really need it'. Before sending her back please please try to get to the bottom of what has happened in this first term at uni. If nothing has happened and she is making life miserable for you and DH and unsafe for DS then make that call but there is more often than not a root cause of this kind of behaviour.

Lalliella · 15/12/2020 00:25

18 is an adult. It’s not an age to suddenly start having teenage tantrums. There must be something more to this. I thought drugs too, or it could be a range of things. Whatever it is, she needs your love not your rejection.

All those PPs saying chuck her out - I bet you wouldn’t if she was your child.

converseandjeans · 15/12/2020 00:27

I agree that something has find wrong that is nothing to do with you but she is lashing out at you.

I don't imagine it's actually much fun with covid. Maybe she's got no mates.

Rather than sending her away I would issue an ultimatum. So give her a chance to redeem herself.

She does sound like she's being vile though. Hopefully it's just a phase...

SaltyAF · 15/12/2020 05:43

I'm wondering if you and your DH are quite passive people and your DD has now seen the real world and has become very insecure and is angry that she wasn't prepared for it.

What a weirdly presumptuous projection.

sashh · 15/12/2020 05:57

Everything @ListeningQuietly said.

inquietant · 15/12/2020 06:03

That first time home for Christmas when I was at uni was weird. Felt like a guest in my own home.

You are a guest after leaving home. And that's fine. You have other options at 18. That's what growing up is all about.

Skyshale · 15/12/2020 06:21

I cannot imagine speaking to my parents like that - what a nasty piece of work your daughter sounds.

I can't believe this girl is a university student - she sounds like a premenstrual teenager! She is an adult and needs to learn to respect you. Send her packing OP.

Holly60 · 15/12/2020 06:28

I have posted previously but wanted to add to this thread as I am so concerned about you sending your daughter away. I know many posters here are focussing on her behaviour and words, and then suggesting what you could DO. I’m thinking maybe you should go beyond words and think about message:

  1. She is hitting out. She MEANS I’m angry
  2. She is acting in inappropriate ways. She MEANS I’m hurt
  3. She is being horrible to you. She MEANS mum please notice I’m angry and hurt and try to find out why. Again and again if necessary. She also MEANS I feel safe to show you I’m hurt and angry because I know you love me.
  4. She came home. She MEANS I need you, and I need my home.

Yes absolutely be firm. Be clear. But be there. If you kick her out the message is that your love is conditional, and she may never be completely herself with you again.

Big hug mum - remember that little girl she was - she is just below the surface. 18 is so you still.

Holly60 · 15/12/2020 06:29

Young

Holly60 · 15/12/2020 06:31

I would also say it would be damaging to your son to see his sister kicked out. He would never forget that and it would be traumatic for him on so many levels. He needs to see you stand firm but be mum. He will then know that there is nothing he can do that will stop you loving him, which will be much better for his mental health than seeing his sister thrown out and feeling like he has to take sides.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2020 06:35

@Holly60

I have posted previously but wanted to add to this thread as I am so concerned about you sending your daughter away. I know many posters here are focussing on her behaviour and words, and then suggesting what you could DO. I’m thinking maybe you should go beyond words and think about message:
  1. She is hitting out. She MEANS I’m angry
  2. She is acting in inappropriate ways. She MEANS I’m hurt
  3. She is being horrible to you. She MEANS mum please notice I’m angry and hurt and try to find out why. Again and again if necessary. She also MEANS I feel safe to show you I’m hurt and angry because I know you love me.
  4. She came home. She MEANS I need you, and I need my home.

Yes absolutely be firm. Be clear. But be there. If you kick her out the message is that your love is conditional, and she may never be completely herself with you again.

Big hug mum - remember that little girl she was - she is just below the surface. 18 is so you still.

This, as said before, please ignore those urging uou to kick your daughter out, and Hurling abuse at her.

Right now you don’t know what’s causing this behaviour, so subsequently you don’t know just how fragile her mental state is. All you know is something is wrong. Kicking her out just before Xmas, with no where to go, or to be alone, could result in tragedy, as hard as it is, support her through this until you understand what is going on.

Skyshale · 15/12/2020 06:39

@Holly60 "I would also say it would be damaging to your son to see his sister kicked out. He would never forget that and it would be traumatic for him on so many levels."

I'm sorry but - traumatic? Massive overreaction. I saw my brother booted out the house for behaviour like this and it didn't traumatise me in the slightest. If anything it taught me not to behave like him. My brother is now a fit and healthy and intelligent 35 year old man with two gorgeous daughters. It doesn't hurt to enforce some discipline.

Tavannach · 15/12/2020 06:50

1. She is hitting out. She MEANS I’m angry
2. She is acting in inappropriate ways. She MEANS I’m hurt
3. She is being horrible to you. She MEANS mum please notice I’m angry and hurt and try to find out why. Again and again if necessary. She also MEANS I feel safe to show you I’m hurt and angry because I know you love me.
4. She came home. She MEANS I need you, and I need my home.

Totally agree with this.

Also, logistically, would she be able to go back to halls? Are they open?
I thought all students had to return home with few exceptions.

Parkperson · 15/12/2020 07:03

I agree with @Tavannach. Her behaviour sounds like a cry for help. One of my son's friends committed sicide at the end of his first year at uni. He had struggled through out the year ( medicine) but didn't know how to tell his parents. He failed his exams and killed himself. At his funeral, his parents were devastated.
Shocked at some of the harsh comments on here. Angry, frightened people hit out at others. She is only just an adult and she clearly needs unconditional love and support.

NewYearNewPlumbing · 15/12/2020 07:33

You are a guest after leaving home. And that's fine. You have other options at 18. That's what growing up is all about

Going to Uni is a halfway house though: they haven’t ‘left home ‘. If they are in halls they often have no Uni accommodation in the holidays. I always had lots of my stuff left behind in my room. My D.C. will have a home in my home until they have got their first flat and job after Uni. If those things are possible of course.

I think it is a transition, like being 12 or 13 and no sure if you stay talking with the kids or the adults, resenting your need for cuddly toys but not being willing to give them up. At 18 coming back into the family home: have they managed without you? Led a happy life without you? Re-entering from the slip road, feeling like an outsider in your own childhood home....

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