To stop dating someone over this?

[Cheesecakeladyx]

I have been dating a man for the last two months and we have seen each other around 8 times now. We usually meet up during the weekend as we both work Mon-Fri. He is lovely, kind, caring and we get on great and have lots of things in common. The only downside is that he doesn’t drive which means I’m usually the one who travels down to him. It’s a 3hr trip all round which does cost a fair bit in petrol and toll charges every weekend. I haven’t minded up until now but it has started getting on my nerves slightly, especially since I’ve mentioned a couple of times about him maybe coming down to me which he’s replied with “yeah sure” but in reality hasn’t made any effort to do so. It would take him around 2hrs on the train to travel down so not huge a difference in time compared to a car journey.

In regards to the money side of things, he does pay for the majority of activities that we do together (meals out, drinks in the pub etc - I do always offer to pay btw) so I suppose it does balance it out slightly. I guess I just feel that I’m always the one having to make the effort to drive up and down after I’ve been in work all week and it would be nice if he made that effort to sometimes. What do you guys think? Should I have another talk with him about it or call it quits given that it’s already started winding me up? which I know isn’t healthy in a new relationship.

As not to drip feed - he does suffer with anxiety which could possibly be contributing to him not wanting to come to me. (I'm not sure, just a thought).

I really find it off putting when men don't drive, so it wouldn't be for me!

At this early stage in the relationship, you should be desperate to see each other, and either of you happy to travel as far as it takes to get to each other (if you’re expecting to make this long-distance relationship work in the long term). If it’s already a chore then I can’t see how you’re going to sustain it till you’re ready to make a commitment like moving to live nearer or together.

Regardless though, if this isn’t working for you, you’re perfectly in your rights to call it quits on any grounds. But I’d talk to him first about his reluctance to travel to you - ask him outright if it’s an issue and what you might do together to work it out. I don’t know which country you’re in, but he might be concerned about using trains with COVID rates as they are at present. Then you won’t be throwing it away without having tried to overcome your problem.

I use to actually be the same as you @imamearcat but given that we got on so well before we actually met (we were talking for at least 3 weeks before meeting) I wanted to give him a chance, which I'm glad I did but this issue has started to annoy me so maybe I was wrong to do so

I don't drive myself and I find the judgement directed at people who don't drive on here very weird. Some of us don't need to and its not particularly a sign of maturity or self-reliance...

That said, you can stop dating him for any reason you like and if you feel you are taking on all the burden then you're well within your rights to do so.

Oh god don’t start inventing excuses for him (anxiety). If he’s got a genuine reason, he should have told you when you mentioned it.
Him paying night even out your petrol costs, but it doesn’t make the time fair.
Just say, “I’m enjoying see you every weekend, but I’m finding it tiring travelling each one - can we take it in turns from now on?” If he won’t, end it. If he can’t be arsed to put the effort in when you’re shiny new, when will he?

but in reality hasn’t made any effort to do so.

I agree with this and would move on.

Also, even if it did work out, one of you is going to have to uproot your entire life. And im going to guess it wouldnt be him.

I wouldn't date a man who doesn't drive, and if I were a man, I wouldn't date a woman who doesn't drive, either. Deal breaker for me.

I think it’s a unfair to complain about petrol costs when he is paying for most meals, drinks and activities.
Saying that, I too like a PP would be put off by men who don’t/won’t drive, all the ones I’ve met so far (not many and probably just a coincidence) have been selfish and adverse to responsibility.

@Cluelessbeetroot - tbh, I think it's more about the time than the money as another poster pointed out. I just find it frustrating that after working all week I then have to rush on a Saturday to get up early and drive down there whilst he gets to have a lazy morning in bed before I arrive. I do look forward to seeing him and enjoy our time together but it does sometimes feel like a chore which I know isn't a good thing, especially so early on in the relationship.

I don’t drive, but I wouldn’t be dating anyone who lived an inconvenient or lengthy journey from me anyway, whether I drove or used public transport. No, I don’t think you’re unreasonable to find his laziness about coming to see you offputting. That’s not a general non-driver laziness, incidentally — that’s a man who’s either not that into you or takes it for granted that he’s enough of a prize to make it worth a 3-hr round trip each time. That’s pretty arrogant.

@Aquamarine1029

I wouldn't date a man who doesn't drive, and if I were a man, I wouldn't date a woman who doesn't drive, either. Deal breaker for me.

Wow, the judgement about people who don’t drive, like we’re some kind of lesser person! Ridiculous. I’m sure most of us have valid reasons why, like having a medical condition or having been involved in a serious car accident that has left trauma. I think my deal breaker would be dating someone with that kind of attitude.

I hate seeing all the posts on mumsnet about how how non drivers are basically crappy people, its so ableist, those of us with vision issues are just supposed to ignore those who basically say we are undateable. That said ive spent hours on buses before to meet boyfriends etc and hes not willing to put some of the effort in regardless of mode of transport thats a bit shit. Just outright invite him to yours for a specific date, dont make plans to follow through and if he doesnt do it then its probably time to call it a day.

You could test the water with his attitude to visiting, by saying you’ve had a busy week and want to take it easy on Saturday morning and suggest he makes his way to yours for X time. Perfectly reasonable not to want to do all the traveling and you’ll soon find out if he is up for sharing the journeying.

Also for those of you coming out with some of the shitty statements on here imagine the following:

"I wouldnt date someone who cant walk"
"I wouldnt date someone with one hand"
"I wouldnt date someone who cant hear properly"

Because thats basically the same shit

Bloody hell OP, yeah that’s not great.

I’ve been seeing my BF since august when he was working in this area. Since then, he travelled 3 hours back to see me, then he was working abroad for a couple of months and during that time I travelled 1500 miles to see him twice - he paid for one of those trips (£500). And since he got back at the end of November he travelled 5 hours on the train to see me (his car didn’t have an MOT). I think when people are keen they make a lot more effort than he’s doing.

Your time has a value and if you don’t feel that he respects this then the relationship won’t last.

Toomanyradishes if I don’t want to date anyone for any of those reasons that’s fine, there is no equalities act when it comes to dating- whatever turns someone off turns them off.

OP I wouldn’t date someone who couldn’t drive someone who doesn’t drink, a vegan etc.

And he doesn't get the train to you? Why?

Too much effort for him?

Think you know the answer to your original post!

🏃‍♀️

When I was a teenager, my boyfriend at the time used to walk an hour and a half to see me haha! Young love but I'd feel the same way as you, when I met dh I could drive and he couldn't but he'd still get the bus, taxi and train to see me (I mean it was only 40 or so minutes) but he still did it and your oh should as well, not fair you have to do it all the time.

I have a (female) friend who has anxiety, and she is much happier playing host when dating.
She just likes having her own things around her, especially if there's an overnight involved. Familiarity is comforting, I think.
That said, it's a bit less forgivable when it's a bloke

Hmmmm. If he is spending money on yours meals and drinks out and activities every weekend I'd think that would outweigh the petrol? So financially it is probably not an issue. And I'd much prefer to drive for a couple of hours than get a train, any day!

Is it the financial aspect or the fact he isn't making the effort to come to you that bothers you? I'd think it was more the latter. To spend every weekend away from your home and your comfort zone would not be something I'd want to do. And it does come across as selfish and lazy on his part if he never makes that effort, even at this early stage.

To be honest if someone was irritating me that much when it was all new and I saw them for only one or two days a week, I'd call it a day. Also would be disturbed by an adult never having learned to drive unless you're both very young still. Do you mean he has no car, or that he has no driving license so cannot even rent a car? If so, why hasn't he done it and is he taking lessons?

I wouldn't date someone who wouldn't make the effort to see me without explaining why (like a PP said, if it was an anxiety issue and they explained that, I'd be less bothered). But if it's just laziness then they don't like you that much or are used to people running round after them, so it'd be a no from me.

And I spent the first 3 years of my relationship getting a 3 hour train each way 2 weekends out of 3 because it mean I would get to my OH's about when he finished work and he wouldn't be exhausted, instead of him finishing work much later than me, doing his 1 hour commute and then doing a 2 hour drive and getting to mine knackered. So I understand a bit of give and take - it worked better for me to get the train, so I didn't mind doing it more often than he drove (and it benefited us in terms of quality time rather than just being tired). He really appreciated it and paid half my train tickets and was careful to make it clear it wasn't because he wasn't arsed to drive over. It doesn't sound like your OH is giving you the same appreciation or reassurance!

If you like him, be honest and say you expect him to come to you every other time.

You’ll find your answer there.

@Toomanyradishes

Also for those of you coming out with some of the shitty statements on here imagine the following:

"I wouldnt date someone who cant walk"
"I wouldnt date someone with one hand"
"I wouldnt date someone who cant hear properly"

Because thats basically the same shit

It's not the same thing at all.

But actually, if you don't want to date someone with a disability, that is your right. You can refuse to date someone for absolutely any reason however unpalatable

The equalities act doesn't extend to dating and relationships.