To stop dating someone over this?

[Cheesecakeladyx]

I have been dating a man for the last two months and we have seen each other around 8 times now. We usually meet up during the weekend as we both work Mon-Fri. He is lovely, kind, caring and we get on great and have lots of things in common. The only downside is that he doesn’t drive which means I’m usually the one who travels down to him. It’s a 3hr trip all round which does cost a fair bit in petrol and toll charges every weekend. I haven’t minded up until now but it has started getting on my nerves slightly, especially since I’ve mentioned a couple of times about him maybe coming down to me which he’s replied with “yeah sure” but in reality hasn’t made any effort to do so. It would take him around 2hrs on the train to travel down so not huge a difference in time compared to a car journey.

In regards to the money side of things, he does pay for the majority of activities that we do together (meals out, drinks in the pub etc - I do always offer to pay btw) so I suppose it does balance it out slightly. I guess I just feel that I’m always the one having to make the effort to drive up and down after I’ve been in work all week and it would be nice if he made that effort to sometimes. What do you guys think? Should I have another talk with him about it or call it quits given that it’s already started winding me up? which I know isn’t healthy in a new relationship.

As not to drip feed - he does suffer with anxiety which could possibly be contributing to him not wanting to come to me. (I'm not sure, just a thought).

@Toomanyradishes

I hate seeing all the posts on mumsnet about how how non drivers are basically crappy people, its so ableist, those of us with vision issues are just supposed to ignore those who basically say we are undateable. That said ive spent hours on buses before to meet boyfriends etc and hes not willing to put some of the effort in regardless of mode of transport thats a bit shit. Just outright invite him to yours for a specific date, dont make plans to follow through and if he doesnt do it then its probably time to call it a day.

Indeed. I have epilepsy, so I'm not allowed to drive.

What an unconscionable bitch! 🧐

My dd's bf was epileptic.. She didn't mind picking up /dropping off but his sense of entitlement grew. So did her resentment..
She lost respect for him and then eventually ended the relationship.

Now, anxiety is a bear. However, if that is actually the case, and he isn't confronting it, that bodes ill for the future. He'll be prone to using that as an excuse to avoid all sorts of issues, and you don't need that.

This for me is the issue. It doesn't matter whether he drives or not really. What matters is that only 8 weeks in and you're already having to accommodate his "anxiety" in a way that doesn't feel comfortable for you. And he doesn't seem to be making any effort to overcome it.

I can assure you that if in my early relationship with DH, seeing him had involved me getting up early on a Saturday morning so I could drive down to him while he had a lie in, the relationship would not have survived.

So either, don't get up early but drive down later at your convenience or ask him to make some of the effort. But ultimately, if it feels like a chore now, then I'm not hugely optimistic about the long term chances for this relationship.

You don't need a reason to stop seeing someone. I think if he can't make an effort now he won't later. Have you been clear that you want to change this? I'd be saying we need to change to alternate weeks travelling and splitting the cost of days out.

I never knew that adults not driving was such a hot button issue! I had never thought of it as something that speaks of their character.

My understanding is that if someone is able to drive, and needs to, then surely they will learn? If not, then they won't.

Am I missing something?

I don't drive myself and I find the judgement directed at people who don't drive on here very weird. Some of us don't need to and its not particularly a sign of maturity or self-reliance...

But he does need to, if he wants to have a relationship with OP. And it is, like here, a sign of a lack of self reliance. he's relying on OP to do all the driving.

It wouldn’t be such a big deal if he lived closer, however a 3 hour drive is far too much. I’m not sure how much the relationship is going to progress if you are doing all the donkey work, it will become tiresome quickly.

Maybe have a chat with him?

It may come to a shock to posters on MN, but someone who is a bit lazy and/or selfish will still remain lazy and/or selfish whether they have a driving license or not. If OPs boyfriend really wanted to travel to her then he would. He'd just find a reason not to drive to OP rather than not using public transport. Not having a driving license is not a moral failing.

"
But how does an adult get to presumably 20/30s without having the money to learn to drive? You can have a family member show you the basics in an empty carpark, then sign up for an intensive course.

Yes learning to drive isn't cheap but surely it's a priority and at one point you'd have hoped to have saved for it, like you would any other priority.

For me it's a bit of a red flag that a grown adult hasn't been able to prioritise it. It would indicate to me that theyre either not able to save money or they earn very low, which again, isn't exactly ideal if you're planning a future together. May be shallow, but life costs and I just wouldn't want to commit to someone who is scraping by constantly."

Jesus Christ.

But he does need to, if he wants to have a relationship with OP.

I would imagine that when he finds out how much of an issue his not driving is for the OP, he won't want a relationship with her. Problem neatly solved.

Deal breaker for me. We all have our wish list's and things to avoid and not driving is one for me.

My friend recently started learning to drive in her mid-thirties: she lived all her life in cities and it made no sense beforehand.

Similarly, almost all the men I knew from college including DH started learning to drive just as they were about to hit thirty: they hadn't beforehand because car insurance for young male drivers was so high (and again, lived in a city) but all got weirded out at the thought of being 30 and unable to drive.

You're quite young, he's quite young (relatively). He's not a 45 year old who has never driven, he sounds like someone who has spent their 20s in a city with no kids and no need. I'd just say: from now on, can we spend half the time in my place and half in yours? And see how that goes.If you still want to be in a relationship in a few months/he starts mentioning it, ask him about driving.

A couple I know both started learning to drive at 30: they also were city-based but planning on having kids and thought it was handy. She passed her test 8 months pregnant, he gave up around that point, he basically hated every minute of it and felt it was insane being in charge of a vehicle that can kill people. I thought at the time it would annoy me in her position but in reality, their whole life is very central (and was before this): their kids childcare and schools are walking distance, their jobs are walking distance, he walks and cycles everywhere he needs to with the children so the burdens aren't hugely different. Driving isn't actually essential, depending on how your life is set up, though I do agree if he moves to you in future it sounds like he'll need to learn. But for now you haven't raised it: he's paying for everything which suggests he isn't being cheeky and him knowing you drive all the time might be a sign he assumes its not a big deal/you like it.

Until you ask him to split it 50/50 I don't think you can make a decision.

This sounds like a lot of hassle. It’s fine for people to not drive, it’s not fine for people to not drive then make other people run around after them. I’m sure he is loving a relaxing Saturday morning in bed, while you drive for hours but in reality 50% of the time he should get his arse up and get the train.

I do think in the OP’s position I would be saying “so when are you going to come and see me” and refusing to be fobbed off, and insisting on a date being arranged. If he refuses to commit to anything you’ll know how keen he is.

My sister has been in a relationship for almost 11 years now with a non-driver. Its one of their most argued about things! She always has to drive and after all this time she resents it. He can always have a few drinks when they go out, she can't. Personally I wouldn't date a non driver after her experience.

If you both live in a city centre with great public transport i think it can work but if its a 3 hour round trip by car and he hasn't got on a train yet, it'd be a deal breaker for me!

Any character inferences about non drivers obviously don’t apply to people who can’t for health/mental health reasons.

Driving isn't actually essential, depending on how your life is set up

No, but I still think a driving licence is a worthwhile thing to have. It will give you options like car hire and car clubs and increase your choice of jobs and places to live.

"Any character inferences about non drivers obviously don’t apply to people who can’t for health/mental health reasons."

Oh that's alright then.

I wouldn’t judge but I probably wouldn’t want a relationship either.

Looking to the future.........
DH doesn’t drive and it’s been an absolute pain in the arse:
He goes out for the night, I pick him up - I go out for the night, no one to pick me up.
Christmas Day - I can’t have a drink because I have to collect and drop off the elderly relatives.
Kids at school - I had to do all the running around with after school clubs, playdates etc.
Shopping - guess that would be me.
Holidays abroad - I have to do all the driving and the stress that comes with it.
He needs to go to the hospital, I take him - I need to go to the hospital, no one to take me, I have to drive myself regardless of what treatment I may have (yes I know I could get a taxi).
And sometimes I just want to be driven for a change.
As I said, a partner who doesn’t drive is a pain in the arse.

Yes it is alright then surely?

We all reach our own conclusions based on the rest of their character?

The men I know who don’t drive by mid 40s are generally commitment phobes, none have settled down. I’m not going to ignore what’s right in front of my eyes.

I would end it, not because he doesn’t have a car, but because it’s clear he’s not going to make an equal effort. My boyfriend doesn’t drive but gets taxis and busses and always manages to see me, so I’m in no doubt that we’re equally caring and willing to put in the effort to see one another.

I wouldn’t judge a non driver at all, except for if they were a potential partner then I’d take it into account

It’s not even about the driving is it? It’s the lack of reciprocal effort.

Why on Earth was he online swiping and matching with women 3 hours away with no intention of shifting off his ass to meet them? Fuck that shit.

OP I’d be tempted to say “hey I won’t be coming to you this weekend. Why don’t you come to me, be here by lunchtime and we’ll do x, y and z and you can see my area”. His replies will be quite enlightening I reckon.

"We all reach our own conclusions based on the rest of their character?"

I didn't know that "driving license haver" was a character trait?

"The men I know who don’t drive by mid 40s are generally commitment phobes, none have settled down. I’m not going to ignore what’s right in front of my eyes."

Not having a driving license = commitment phobe?? How the fuck do you figure that out? 😂😂