To stop dating someone over this?

[Cheesecakeladyx]

I have been dating a man for the last two months and we have seen each other around 8 times now. We usually meet up during the weekend as we both work Mon-Fri. He is lovely, kind, caring and we get on great and have lots of things in common. The only downside is that he doesn’t drive which means I’m usually the one who travels down to him. It’s a 3hr trip all round which does cost a fair bit in petrol and toll charges every weekend. I haven’t minded up until now but it has started getting on my nerves slightly, especially since I’ve mentioned a couple of times about him maybe coming down to me which he’s replied with “yeah sure” but in reality hasn’t made any effort to do so. It would take him around 2hrs on the train to travel down so not huge a difference in time compared to a car journey.

In regards to the money side of things, he does pay for the majority of activities that we do together (meals out, drinks in the pub etc - I do always offer to pay btw) so I suppose it does balance it out slightly. I guess I just feel that I’m always the one having to make the effort to drive up and down after I’ve been in work all week and it would be nice if he made that effort to sometimes. What do you guys think? Should I have another talk with him about it or call it quits given that it’s already started winding me up? which I know isn’t healthy in a new relationship.

As not to drip feed - he does suffer with anxiety which could possibly be contributing to him not wanting to come to me. (I'm not sure, just a thought).

@PolkadotGiraffe I agree and would say it's definitely the latter. I appreciate it's not fun getting the train but I drive a lot for work also which he's know so it's not a great deal of fun for me spending my weekends driving up and down after I've done the same all week in work. He doesn't have a driving licence and has never booked any lessons as far as I'm aware. I'm not sure why as I've never really asked him. He lives and works in a city centre as where I'm quite rural so that could be the reason why he's never bothered to learn. He's 29 and I'm 26.

Perhaps long distance relationships aren't for me

I do not drive. I have vertigo, and attacks hit without warning. Don't want to fall over behind the wheel. And that said if I were seeing someone whom I really liked, I'd figure out a way to get to them at least half the time.

Now, anxiety is a bear. However, if that is actually the case, and he isn't confronting it, that bodes ill for the future. He'll be prone to using that as an excuse to avoid all sorts of issues, and you don't need that.

Your resentment is not going to get better, but only worse, if he refuses to make an effort to see you. You've said you talked with him about this and got some vague, "yeah, yeah" back from him. I'd move on. It isn't about the money, it's about the fact that if he was really into you, he'd make the effort.

OP if the relationship feels like a chore 8 weeks in then it really doesn’t bode well for the future. Sorry :s

I agree with you that he should have made the effort by now to go to you. Lying in bed every weekend while you get up early and drive down to him? No thanks.

You drive to him

But he pays for most things all weekend

Seems pretty equal to me!

OP I'm going to go against the majority and say you should try having another talk with him if things are good in other ways. He may be willing to make big changes quickly if he knows how much it's bothering you. And I would also point out that effort is involved both ways - I used to much prefer travelling to see my ex as sitting on a train listening to my music was less effort than cleaning and tidying the house to the level I'd want it for a visitor while my ex found the tidying less effort than the travelling so it worked well. I personally see the travelling as the less effort option and maybe he does too or just sees it as equal and may just have taken your suggestion as a polite invitation.

I also don't drive for all sorts of reasons. I live somewhere where I can get everywhere I want to by public transport and that's better for the environment and cheaper for me. No reason to pay out thousands extra for no extra benefit. I might well learn if it became essential but it doesn't make me a bad person, and I know plenty of people more environmentally minded than me who wouldn't date someone who drove when they could take the bus! It's not a stain on someone's character.

There a lot of take and a lot give going on here

It's not the being able to drive or not - it's being prepared to make the effort.
That said, when it's your turn to travel, why not get the train? They aren't crowded ATM at weekends. Some journeys I absolutely prefer by train than driving.

Everyone who says they can get public transport anywhere they want to - there are so many fabulous places to explore which aren’t easily accessible by public transport - remote beaches, nature reserves, areas of natural beauty, tiny villages and market towns .......... I would never date anyone who didn’t consider that places like this were somewhere they ever needed to go.

It’s the lack of imagination I think that bothers me....... I lived in London for years, but I drove as I didn’t want to spend hours on buses and trains trying to get to places I could easily drive to.......

Genuinely surprised people don't see hosting someone else as a significant effort...

When DH and I first started dating, I had to fly to see him. He did come to mine once, but there were very legitimate logistical issues that made it much easier and cheaper for me to travel to him even though it meant taking the red eye and going straight to the office when I got home. It honestly never occurred to me to mind and I don’t really remember how we handled the money aspect of it. We wanted to be together as much as possible and we both did what was needed to to make that work. If it feels like a burden, I would examine why that is.

Sounds like you live somewhere very different to me Spanielmadness - I can get to all of these places by foot or by walking after a journey by train or bus. Sometimes it's a long walk, sometimes it's a short walk but I can get to these places without the need for a car. Easily accessibly doesn't mean inaccessible by any means and I feel I enjoy them more when I've made more of an effort to get there. More exercise too!

Christ I once drive a 2.5 hour round trip just for a snog and a quick sh*g with the guy I was dating. Couldn’t have cared how far it was, I was excited to see him!

You should’ve feel the way you do OP. I’d just end it

3 hours driving every weekend.. fuck that.. end it 🌺

I would never have pursued a relationship with a man that didn't drive in the first place. A mega put off for me

I think in normal times, I would say bin him, if it is starting to annoy you already

But tbh I got the train in a mask and was desperate to get off it within 10 minutes, I am not sure I could do a 2 hour journey.

I have no issue with people who don't drive (my DP doesn't) but because we live somewhere that is easy to get to things easier and if we do need to go somewhere, we can hire a car and I don't mind doing the driving (as long as we listen to my music)

Of course it's the time. He's saying too himself "If she doesn't get here until... then I have some time to myself, but if I go to her I lose all that sweet time sitting on a train"

He has no interest in seeing your world, where you come from, your local. That really wouldn't work for me.

Anxiety? But he has a job? Travel scares him? Well I guess holidays are out then?

You should have called it a day after the first date,when you found out he doesn't drive, as it should have been obvious to you, that it would be you who would be the traveller in the relationship.

there is this thing call train. has he heard about it?

Driving there would annoy me. Where do you think or this relationship could/would go? Would the distance be the ultimate deal breaker?.

I'd think I would let that one go. If he was desperate to see you, he would surely hop on a train. Is this more one sided than it seems?

29 and not learnt to drive. Very unusual. I’d like to know why. Even in city centres, most people learn to drive.

Can you meet half way? Maybe suggest somewhere to meet and see whether he’s willing to make the journey.

I don't drive as I have epilepsy. Pain in the arse but I made a 4 year LDR work by sharing the travel equally.

To be honest, at the minute if I was with a driver and they seemed happy to shoulder the travel I would probably let him (and try as best I could to equal it out and treat him when here) as public transport over longer distances is a bit risky for covid.

However, if they clearly said otherwise, that they needed a break from it and wanted me to travel, I would do so, using a mask etc.

If otherwise you like where this is going, at least try a clear conversation about this, not just a suggestion. I must admit, as a non driver I often forget that driving is quite tiring and a lot of effort as you have to stay alert so he might not realise that. If he doesn't offer to do more travelling as of then, I can't say I would continue this arrangement. Low effort won't improve and will extend to other areas.

he does suffer with anxiety which could possibly be contributing to him not wanting to come to me. (I'm not sure, just a thought).

If that is actually the reason he’s not coming to meet you, then you’ve got more issues than just the driving.

Id go with the 'I could really do with a break from driving, I've checked out the times of the train and there's one at x time if you think that would work and tskenit from there.

It's not unreasonable not to want to drive, I sometimes feel like my hands are glued to the steering wheel by a Friday, but I wouldn't beat up over it myself depending on the response. Also non -drivers don't always the appreciate the fatigue aspect od having to drive on the weekend after a long week.

A non driver and someone who’d rather let you put in all the effort to make sure you could both see each other? No, I wouldn’t bother.

@toomanyradishes there's no comparison. I wouldn't date someone that can't walk I don't think. Hiking is a big interest for me and I would want to be able to share it with a partner. I wouldn't date anyone that chose not to drive because of where I live (7 hours to get 30 miles on a bus anyone?). It's not discrimination as you imply, it's about compatability. I wouldn't choose a partner with children, or that hadn't worked for ages, or hated classical music, or hated dogs or was 30 years older than me, or anyone that had a physical disability that required an element of care. I have valid reasons for them all, and it doesn't make me evil.