To stop dating someone over this?

[Cheesecakeladyx]

I have been dating a man for the last two months and we have seen each other around 8 times now. We usually meet up during the weekend as we both work Mon-Fri. He is lovely, kind, caring and we get on great and have lots of things in common. The only downside is that he doesn’t drive which means I’m usually the one who travels down to him. It’s a 3hr trip all round which does cost a fair bit in petrol and toll charges every weekend. I haven’t minded up until now but it has started getting on my nerves slightly, especially since I’ve mentioned a couple of times about him maybe coming down to me which he’s replied with “yeah sure” but in reality hasn’t made any effort to do so. It would take him around 2hrs on the train to travel down so not huge a difference in time compared to a car journey.

In regards to the money side of things, he does pay for the majority of activities that we do together (meals out, drinks in the pub etc - I do always offer to pay btw) so I suppose it does balance it out slightly. I guess I just feel that I’m always the one having to make the effort to drive up and down after I’ve been in work all week and it would be nice if he made that effort to sometimes. What do you guys think? Should I have another talk with him about it or call it quits given that it’s already started winding me up? which I know isn’t healthy in a new relationship.

As not to drip feed - he does suffer with anxiety which could possibly be contributing to him not wanting to come to me. (I'm not sure, just a thought).

thepeopleversuswork and Jjjjjj1981.

I came on here to say exactly the same thing! I find the judgemental attitude of a hell of a lot of MNers towards people who can't/don't drive very strange. Its a sad world where you are deemed to be a lesser person because you don't drive.

Invite him to yours (as in saying "would you like to come and stay at mine next weekend, as it would be great to show you around and I'd have break from the drive") rather than just mentioning it in passing and then not following up.

So far you seem to be adapting what you do to suit him. He is not reciprocally fitting in with your life. At all.

DH didn't learn to drive until we had our DS - it just wasn't something he prioritised, and we never lived somewhere where it would be practical to park a car. I can't imagine refusing to date him because he couldn't drive! I could drive, but didn't pass my test until recently either.

@PolkadotGiraffe

Hmmmm. If he is spending money on yours meals and drinks out and activities every weekend I'd think that would outweigh the petrol? So financially it is probably not an issue. And I'd much prefer to drive for a couple of hours than get a train, any day!

Is it the financial aspect or the fact he isn't making the effort to come to you that bothers you? I'd think it was more the latter. To spend every weekend away from your home and your comfort zone would not be something I'd want to do. And it does come across as selfish and lazy on his part if he never makes that effort, even at this early stage.

To be honest if someone was irritating me that much when it was all new and I saw them for only one or two days a week, I'd call it a day. Also would be disturbed by an adult never having learned to drive unless you're both very young still. Do you mean he has no car, or that he has no driving license so cannot even rent a car? If so, why hasn't he done it and is he taking lessons?

You must have very little to concern yourself if it worries you when you encounter someone who doesn't drive. Sometimes people don't need to drive, or can't afford extortionate insurance etc.

Vague plans don't work for some people. I would try telling him "right, this weekend come up to mine. I'll make us lunch so get here late morning" or whatever, just give him a set of instructions. He might not be very proactive which in itself can be a deal breaker for some people! If it works then you can say that you would like to alternate weekends between your place and his. If it doesn't work then you can find out why and decide then if you want to continue dating.

8 months into a relationship is still very much the honeymoon period. You should both be desperate to see each other at the weekend and both be prepared to make a big effort to make it happen.

It doesn't really matter whether or not he drives, it's just about how keen he is to see you.

Do you feel like he looks forward to you coming? If you stopped going to him would he come to you?

Are you dating my ex?

Jokes aside. It ground me down eventually two years in that my ex partner didn’t drive. In fact both my exes didn’t drive (my first serious dp did) Yes it was fine in a big city- but out of that I was always the designated driver. On holidays. Driving to weekends away.

He also had anxiety and I might’ve been able to cope with the lack of driving, but not the anxiety sadly it controlled many elements of his life and thus mine, without any coping mechanisms in place.

If you’re unsure now follow your head.

Or test the waters and say you’d like him to come and stay for the weekend as you’d love to show him your area.

Good luck.

[quote housemdwaswrong]@toomanyradishes there's no comparison. I wouldn't date someone that can't walk I don't think. Hiking is a big interest for me and I would want to be able to share it with a partner. I wouldn't date anyone that chose not to drive because of where I live (7 hours to get 30 miles on a bus anyone?). It's not discrimination as you imply, it's about compatability. I wouldn't choose a partner with children, or that hadn't worked for ages, or hated classical music, or hated dogs or was 30 years older than me, or anyone that had a physical disability that required an element of care. I have valid reasons for them all, and it doesn't make me evil.[/quote]
I agree it’s fine to have your own deal breakers, but out of interest what do think you would do if you were with someone who became unable to hike/drive/work? I guess you would just have to see how you felt at the time.

@inkpaperstars that would be totally different. If this were to happen, I would still.love the person, as I would if they developed cancer or dementia etc. Love isn't dependent on these things, but on the person, and their personalities, values and morals. But I wouldn't love them when contemplating a relationship. I think that's the difference. Does that make sense?

but it does sometimes feel like a chore In a new relationship? Hmm.

Also, I'm assuming you've just got back from seeing him and this seems to be your overriding thought, not that you had a great time or that he was so kind, funny etc.

End it
You are only 8 weeks in and already not feeling good about this anymore(for good reasons).

It’s supposed to be fun at this stage but you’re already thinking up reasons to potentially end it so I’d say it isn’t working.

I agree with those saying that if he's annoying 8 dates/ 2 months in just ditch him. The first year should be pure fun - you shouldn't have to "work on" a relationship before the 12 month mark, that's all later, once there's actually a shared life established!

[quote Cheesecakeladyx]@PolkadotGiraffe I agree and would say it's definitely the latter. I appreciate it's not fun getting the train but I drive a lot for work also which he's know so it's not a great deal of fun for me spending my weekends driving up and down after I've done the same all week in work. He doesn't have a driving licence and has never booked any lessons as far as I'm aware. I'm not sure why as I've never really asked him. He lives and works in a city centre as where I'm quite rural so that could be the reason why he's never bothered to learn. He's 29 and I'm 26. [/quote]
It does seem lazy on his part, if there's no reason for not getting his licence. It's a basic life skill and quite limiting not to be able to drive in terms of jobs, travel etc (even if he doesn't need to own a car at the moment). And given he's chosen not to learn, it's tough and he needs to make the effort with public transport! If he's being inconsiderate and selfish after just two months I wouldn't bother pursuing things further. You shouldn't have to point it out to him.

Suggest you cook next time and what would be a suitable time for him to arrive.

See how he responds. He should be happy to be making the effort... He fobs you off - there is your worth..

I don't drive as we never been able to afford the lessons etc, should I automatically be binned off for not driving? Fuck me I wouldn't want to date someone so shallow and judge mental, you'd be doing us lot a favour turning us down

Anyway back to the op..If you genuinely like this guy and see a future with him, I'd talk to him and give him a chance to rectify things being dumping him imo

@MegaClutterSlut sometimes its just about practicality though, and not shallow. Around by me the public transport is awful. 1/2 hour to the nearest train station and the buses are useless. I drive about 500.mikes a week in normal times, and if someone I was seeing didn't drive, I'd either have to drive to them on the weekend or.pick them up
.from the train station. Either way it's driving at least an extra 2 hours plus on the weekend. It's not shallow to not want to do that!

He needs to step up his game and make him get the train, or I think it's time to step away. I'd find that externally frustrating.

Yeah there's a few issues here if the relationship progresses...

1. if you have to travel every weekend that leaves little time for everything else in your life at the weekends.

2. if you go on to live together, who will move? One of you will have to uproot their lives.

3. you'll be doing all the food shops, trips to the post office (unless everything is walking distance) and if you have kids, all the school runs, doctors trips etc etc.

For me - it's a no. I wouldn't be willing to commit to being the only driver forevermore. Youre only 8 weeks in, I'd find someone else (ideally more locally too).

I don't drive and wouldn't want a relationship with someone for whom this was an issue, so yes, end it.

This is the reverse of my partner and I.
He lived the same distance away when we first met but would make the trip multiple times a week and eventually just moved here for me.
The difference is that he was excited to do and more than happy.
I have shitty anxiety and don't drive, I think I only ever got the train to his once.

If you're not excited about making your way to him, it's probably time to call it a day.

@MegaClutterSlut

But how does an adult get to presumably 20/30s without having the money to learn to drive? You can have a family member show you the basics in an empty carpark, then sign up for an intensive course.

Yes learning to drive isn't cheap but surely it's a priority and at one point you'd have hoped to have saved for it, like you would any other priority.

For me it's a bit of a red flag that a grown adult hasn't been able to prioritise it. It would indicate to me that theyre either not able to save money or they earn very low, which again, isn't exactly ideal if you're planning a future together. May be shallow, but life costs and I just wouldn't want to commit to someone who is scraping by constantly.

I don’t drive due to anxiety and not needing to at the moment.
But when I was seeing someone who lived at a distance, I would get the train when it was my turn to go to him.
I would’ve found any means of transport to get to him.
It shouldn’t be all put on you to see him just cos you can drive. Tell him to get the train or a bus x

Just because someone chooses not to drive, doesn't mean they can expect someone to do all their traveling responsibilities for them.

I just wouldn't go for a week or two and when he complains, you can say 'well, I was expecting you to make the effort to come down to me as you said you would'.

It definitely wouldn't work for me having to bend over backwards for someone who couldn't be arsed to adult.