To stop dating someone over this?

[Cheesecakeladyx]

I have been dating a man for the last two months and we have seen each other around 8 times now. We usually meet up during the weekend as we both work Mon-Fri. He is lovely, kind, caring and we get on great and have lots of things in common. The only downside is that he doesn’t drive which means I’m usually the one who travels down to him. It’s a 3hr trip all round which does cost a fair bit in petrol and toll charges every weekend. I haven’t minded up until now but it has started getting on my nerves slightly, especially since I’ve mentioned a couple of times about him maybe coming down to me which he’s replied with “yeah sure” but in reality hasn’t made any effort to do so. It would take him around 2hrs on the train to travel down so not huge a difference in time compared to a car journey.

In regards to the money side of things, he does pay for the majority of activities that we do together (meals out, drinks in the pub etc - I do always offer to pay btw) so I suppose it does balance it out slightly. I guess I just feel that I’m always the one having to make the effort to drive up and down after I’ve been in work all week and it would be nice if he made that effort to sometimes. What do you guys think? Should I have another talk with him about it or call it quits given that it’s already started winding me up? which I know isn’t healthy in a new relationship.

As not to drip feed - he does suffer with anxiety which could possibly be contributing to him not wanting to come to me. (I'm not sure, just a thought).

I wouldn't get with some one who couldn't drive now that I no longer live in a city. In the city everything was easily accessible on public transport.

Where I now live you have to travel to any where worth going so wouldn't want to be the one doing all the driving. Buses are unreliable and take nearly an hour to do a 20 min car journey. I wouldn't want to be tied to being the one driving all the time.

Why doesn't he drive? Firstly, not being able to drive would be really off putting for me. But secondly and more importantly, the fact he isn't making the effort to come to you says a lot. You clearly like him so I wouldn't end it just yet, but I would find out why he doesn't drive and the impact that could have on your relationship long term, obviously depends where you live though. If it's going to cause you issues long term, especially if you're looking for someone to have a family with and he can't explain how he'd mitigate those issues (or make the effort to) then better to end it sooner rather than later really.

I think it is unreasonable for you to mention the petrol and toll costs when you allow him to pay for everything else.

But the travel needs to be alternated. If somebody does not drive then they need to be prepared to use public transport. I didn’t drive until I was 25, when I was 24 I dated somebody living in London whilst I was in Liverpool. This is going back a long time now, but I definitely made trips to London on the train and didn’t expect them to drive to me each time. As a non driver back then, it was normal to use public transport, I wouldn’t have even thought twice about it.

I don't see why you can't just ask him about it. And just tell him that you are finding it tiring and would prefer to take it in turns to travel. I don't see the issue - he's not a mind reader.

Also, I can imagine someone coming on here saying, "I see my boyfriend every weekend. He comes to me every time which means that I have to clean my house, tidy everywhere, make sure there is food in, make sure the bathroom is respectable, pay for extra electricity/gas and then pay for everything when we go out and about."

I just think a chat is all it needs. He may be a lazy arse or he may not realise how you resent getting up earlier on a Saturday and he may not have thought of it from your point of view.

Just talk!

Driving isn't actually essential, depending on how your life is set up

Often, a non-drivers life is set up by living with a driver, who has to do it all for them.

I had an ex like that, I was always the one traveling to him, but he wouldn't travel to me. It's not a good sign, to me it sounds a if he's not as into you as you are to him. And honestly if you are already wondering if you should walk away, this early on, then I think you know your answer.

Of course not driving is a character trait, if you mean one of the things we choose to do consistently over time, which I think is the definition.

And the commitment phobe comment is based on the men I know, there’s a correlation

If I was married to or in a LTR with a non driver I would at least expect them to pay for the occasional taxi so that I could have a drink on a night out.

I’d not be willing to travel by train during a pandemic so can understand why he’s not bothering with it right now. Really odd to only have met 8 times and already be spending weekends together, guess the social distancing doesn’t apply to you either

The driving isn't really the issue is it? You are sufficiently interested in him to hoof across the country every week but he doesn't feel inclined to make the same effort in return.

Does that make it a viable relationship for either of you?

@NuniaBeeswax

The fact he isn't willing to take the train to see her, despite his not driving being his choice, is what adds to his negative character trait.

If he were making an effort to get to her equal amounts then there wouldn't be a problem.

"Of course not driving is a character trait"

How? In what way? And I don't care about anecdotes about Joe who's 45 and never been married; how does having a driving license make someone a good/kind/worthy person over someone who doesn't? I know plenty of men with who can drive who have also never "settled down"; funnily enough I don't blame the fact they can drive a car on this.

@onlythepianoplayer bit of a leap there? I live in a small town, don’t drive because I don’t see the need to drive. Everywhere I need to get to is within walking distance, except in non pandemic times when I need to travel by bus to the next town over. But then, I’m not putting another car on the road and I’m sure as hell not having to fork out for petrol, road tax, insurance and all that other shite. Much rather use a bus a couple times a week than drive!

"The fact he isn't willing to take the train to see her, despite his not driving being his choice, is what adds to his negative character trait.

If he were making an effort to get to her equal amounts then there wouldn't be a problem."

I already mentioned this upthread; this has nothing to do with not being able to drive and everything to do with not wanting to make the effort. He'd still find an excuse not to drive if he could.

Yes a man who doesn't drive would be enough for me not to date him (and has been in the past)

The fact that he isn't keen enough to see me and therefore jumping on the first train available (Fri night?) to see me, at least half the time, would make this relationship non-viable to me. It would feel ridiculous to me to continue to be the only one to do the travelling each week.

Wow, the judgement about people who don’t drive, like we’re some kind of lesser person! Ridiculous.
I’m sure most of us have valid reasons why, like having a medical condition or having been involved in a serious car accident that has left trauma.
I think my deal breaker would be dating someone with that kind of attitude.

In my work I come across people who have had to surrender their licence through no fault of their own, they find this particularly hard and now I have more of an insight as to why...

Of course not driving is a character trait, if you mean one of the things we choose to do consistently over time, which I think is the definition

No, that's not an accurate definition of a character trait.

OP

Id say to him, actually Id really like it for you to come to me this weekend as Id like to show you around my hometown etc

see what he says?

Tell that to my a level psychology teacher (you might have to go back in time to 1992 though)

I wouldn't date a none driver.

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes

Yes it is alright then surely?

We all reach our own conclusions based on the rest of their character?

The men I know who don’t drive by mid 40s are generally commitment phobes, none have settled down. I’m not going to ignore what’s right in front of my eyes.

I'm 48, can't drive, and have been with DH since I was 19. Or is dimit pop psychology different for female non-drivers?

DIMWIT.

I suffer from anxiety and at times have battled to force myself into trains etc, drive on the motorway etc. But I have done just that. If he has such a level of anxiety that he cannot force himself to use a train/stay somewhere different etc, then I would consider whether you this would place an undue burden on you. So, I would explain to him that the driving is starting to place a toll on you and that you would like him to get the train and also visit you and see aspects of your life etc. If he can't do it due to anxiety, then I would expect him to seek treatment with a view to achieving it. I would grant a little slack re Covid risk and public transport right now if that is his logic, but other than that, he needs to step up.

@NuniaBeeswax, of course non-drivers are commitment-phobes. if they won't commit to lessons (or commit to not having epilepsy, not having enough money). stands to reason. Like -
non-plane drivers/pilots - commitment-phobes. Start and stick with the plane driving lessons.
Non-doctors - commitment phones. Start and stick with the medical school or doctor-thingy.
stands to reason. all character traits and flaws. people give up to easy nowadays. snowflakes.