To stop dating someone over this?

[Cheesecakeladyx]

I have been dating a man for the last two months and we have seen each other around 8 times now. We usually meet up during the weekend as we both work Mon-Fri. He is lovely, kind, caring and we get on great and have lots of things in common. The only downside is that he doesn’t drive which means I’m usually the one who travels down to him. It’s a 3hr trip all round which does cost a fair bit in petrol and toll charges every weekend. I haven’t minded up until now but it has started getting on my nerves slightly, especially since I’ve mentioned a couple of times about him maybe coming down to me which he’s replied with “yeah sure” but in reality hasn’t made any effort to do so. It would take him around 2hrs on the train to travel down so not huge a difference in time compared to a car journey.

In regards to the money side of things, he does pay for the majority of activities that we do together (meals out, drinks in the pub etc - I do always offer to pay btw) so I suppose it does balance it out slightly. I guess I just feel that I’m always the one having to make the effort to drive up and down after I’ve been in work all week and it would be nice if he made that effort to sometimes. What do you guys think? Should I have another talk with him about it or call it quits given that it’s already started winding me up? which I know isn’t healthy in a new relationship.

As not to drip feed - he does suffer with anxiety which could possibly be contributing to him not wanting to come to me. (I'm not sure, just a thought).

It’s ok to form opinions on others peoples choices, I can’t believe that needs saying. Especially ok to have preferences for a relationship.

Obviously you don’t say it irl and hurt anyone’s feelings.

It's kind of humanly not to drive, so that and his anxiety would be a turn off to me

"It’s ok to form opinions on others peoples choices, I can’t believe that needs saying. Especially ok to have preferences for a relationship.

Obviously you don’t say it irl and hurt anyone’s feelings."

That's not the same as saying that not driving is a negative personality trait.

I'm of the school of thought that if you start second guessing a new relationship you may as well move on. You don't need a good enough reason. If it's not working for you, it's not working.

But if you're going to do that, do it in January, Decembers dumpings are especially miserable. Perhaps just tell him you want him to come to you next, and then step back and wait, see what he does.

In what way does he have anxiety - how does it affect him?

What is it that his anxiety prevents him from doing - genuine things, or is it just a handy excuse for not having to put himself out to do things that might be inconvenient?

@BuntysTwinkle

I'm of the school of thought that if you start second guessing a new relationship you may as well move on. You don't need a good enough reason. If it's not working for you, it's not working.

But if you're going to do that, do it in January, Decembers dumpings are especially miserable. Perhaps just tell him you want him to come to you next, and then step back and wait, see what he does.

I don't get this. Being dumped in December is mean and makes the other person unhappy so don't do it. Instead, you remain unhappy throughout Christmas?

Blimey, I'm 40, happily married for 10 years to a tee-total driver, don't drive myself. I have an e-bike instead and get shopping delivered. Somehow I've managed to get myself all around Europe and the US without this mythical driving license and the amazing personality traits it bestows. I don't even have a MN-approved excuse, just a lifelong city dweller with environmental leanings. DH must secretly despise me.

OP, I took the train to see my DH in the early stages of our relationship, a 2 hour train journey each way with taxis or buses at either end, 2-3 times a month. It was worth it. If this guy isn't willing to make at least some compromise (and I don't discount anxiety in a pandemic as easily as some do here), then I wouldn't bother, personally.

anxiety-
about driving &/or about going on public transport at the moment maybe?
If this was reversed I wonder if the same opinions would be the same?
& learning to drive at the moment? & learning to drive later in life (especially if anxious?)?
Do you like him is he considerate in other ways?
& when virus is no longer a threat has he talked about visiting you? How did you meet first of all
& what kind of accommodation do you both have - is his bigger than yours? ie more comfortable?

There are many, many reasons not to be able to drive. Most of them are quite valid, and no judgement on a person's worth. However, if the person who does not drive is not willing to make at least some concessions, or to explain honestly why they are not, then there is a problem from the outset.

I'll go you one further, and set myself up for a lot of flack. I would never date someone who hated cats, or who was phobic or had severe allergies. I know myself well enough to know that I am not happy without a cat or two in my life, that I have stress when I don't have one, and that eventually with the best will in the world, I would resent the reason I could not have one.

Although the deeper reason not to date someone who actually simply hates cats is that most of those people have control issues, and you cannot control a cat. I actively am sympathetic to those with allergies or phobias, but those who just hate them? There are issues there that I won't deal with.

It's not that he can't drive. It's that he is not making an effort.
I can't stand all the anti non-driver sentiment on here. I learnt to drive in my 30s when I moved to a place with very poor transport links. Before that I was able to get anywhere I wanted on public transport. I did not scrounge lifts off other people.
I had two long-distance relationships in my 20s. Both blokes had driving licences but didn't have cars as they lived in cities where it just wasn't needed.
In both relationships we took turns to travel to each other by train. Yes it was a bit of a pain rushing from work on Friday night to get to the station and coming back again on Sunday evenings or Mondays, very early in the morning but I did it happily as I wanted to see my partner and they did it for me too.

It sounds like OP's partner is not making enough effort. In the 2 months she seems to have done the majority of the travelling. It's not clear if he has been to hers at all. It's not about money, it's about her having to spend extra time in the car when she could be doing something else and he's just sitting around at home waiting for her.

If he has genuine anxiety which has been diagnosed by a doctor then he should be getting help for this and he could discuss possible strategies with his therapist if this is the reason why he is unable to travel by train and stay with the OP.
If it's one of these "oh I've got anxiety" '(I'm a bit OCD, I'm a bit autistic, I've got a migraine - ie. a headache, not a migraine) cases as an excuse to get out of something which is boring or tedious or the person simply can't be bothered to do then he should be given the heave-ho.
(And before some jumps on me, see above, there are many people with genuine anxiety which has a debilitating effect on their lives)

OP, if you do really like him then have a chat with it about him. Try to find out what's going on and what the reason is. Tell him the current situation is not sustainable and that something will need to change. You are just going to get worn out driving 3 hours there and back every single weekend with no time to chill out in your own home and you'll get resentful.

Not read the thread just OP posts

But surely surely OP you have raised this during chatting with him.

Surely?!

@MadeleineMaxwell

Blimey, I'm 40, happily married for 10 years to a tee-total driver, don't drive myself. I have an e-bike instead and get shopping delivered. Somehow I've managed to get myself all around Europe and the US without this mythical driving license and the amazing personality traits it bestows. I don't even have a MN-approved excuse, just a lifelong city dweller with environmental leanings. DH must secretly despise me.

OP, I took the train to see my DH in the early stages of our relationship, a 2 hour train journey each way with taxis or buses at either end, 2-3 times a month. It was worth it. If this guy isn't willing to make at least some compromise (and I don't discount anxiety in a pandemic as easily as some do here), then I wouldn't bother, personally.

Nope, your attitude to transport and the environment is where we all should be headed. Most folks' attitude on here to cars and the environment is not far off Jeremy Clarkson tbh.

OP I'd talk to him and see if you can reach a compromise where he comes up to see you. He sounds nice otherwise.

I couldn't date a man that can't drive.

@Toomanyradishes how is that the same thing?!

Why did you start dating him in the first place when you knew how far away he lived? I wouldn't date someone who required a 3 hour round trip in the first place.

YABU for dating someone who lives in a city centre, where it's known that far fewer people drive, and then complaining he doesn't drive. You should've thought about that in the first place. If he's refusing to get the train for some reason then he's unreasonable too, but you have to take some responsibility for getting involved in this in the first place.

YABU for dating someone who lives in a city centre, where it's known that far fewer people drive, and then complaining he doesn't drive.

I lived and worked in London, looking back on my previous team while only a few of us had cars, we could all drive. I'd never assume because someone lived in a city they might not drive, I don't know the stats, but wrongly or rightly I'd assume the majority of adults can drive until told otherwise by that person? So it's bizarre to blame the OP.

Not driving as a deal-breaker is a bizarre sentiment. Living in a city both DP and I have got to our late 30s without ever needing to drive. I get the impression a lot of posters are treating it as a form of manliness, which I thought was the preserve of men going through mid-life crises.

OP's BF should definitely make more of an effort to visit her though.

Not driving as a deal-breaker is a bizarre sentiment

I have loads of deal breakers that some might see as bizarre

Posh voice
Guitar playing
Vegetarian

@SpyInThePie

Looking to the future......... DH doesn’t drive and it’s been an absolute pain in the arse: He goes out for the night, I pick him up - I go out for the night, no one to pick me up. Christmas Day - I can’t have a drink because I have to collect and drop off the elderly relatives. Kids at school - I had to do all the running around with after school clubs, playdates etc. Shopping - guess that would be me. Holidays abroad - I have to do all the driving and the stress that comes with it. He needs to go to the hospital, I take him - I need to go to the hospital, no one to take me, I have to drive myself regardless of what treatment I may have (yes I know I could get a taxi). And sometimes I just want to be driven for a change. As I said, a partner who doesn’t drive is a pain in the arse.

Most of the issues here are with your DH / your relationship / your chosen place to live, not with driving. I can't drive for medical reasons, but we therefore chose somewhere to live with good local services, taxis available and public transport. Covid has made the public transport option less appealing but that will.change again.

Night out = taxi home
Christmas Day = relatives stay over, or organise cars in advance, or I might cook while others did the dropping off
Kids at school = walking, scooting, buses
Shopping = online, taxis, buses
Hospital = taxi or ambulance
Holidays abroad can be a bit more limited, but again it's entirely possible to choose millions of places with many options other than renting cars, whether that's in a resort or off the beaten track in a developing country.

If he chooses never to take a taxi, or you've chosen together to live somewhere car dependent, that is a choice, but none of what you're describing is a requirement.

I'm now eligible to get my licence due to number of years symptom.free, but it's been a nightmare through covid with lessons allowed and not, none in Tier 3 - and there are no tests available until April. Even if the OPs date wants to learn now due to covid, it's hardly easy.

Also, I can imagine someone coming on here saying, "I see my boyfriend every weekend. He comes to me every time which means that I have to clean my house, tidy everywhere, make sure there is food in, make sure the bathroom is respectable, pay for extra electricity/gas and then pay for everything when we go out and about."

@Chamomileteaplease That's not the same. People would start suspecting that the guy was either married or in a relationship, or living in some kind of horrible/unsafe house that he was too embarrassed to let anyone visit for whatever reason. That's not what's happening here.

@formerbabe

Not driving as a deal-breaker is a bizarre sentiment

I have loads of deal breakers that some might see as bizarre

Posh voice
Guitar playing
Vegetarian

@formerbabe How do you define what is posh? It isn't either you're posh or you're not - there are loads of levels and stages. So how do you decide what your cutoff point is?

Also, admittedly I've never done online dating, but if not driving is such a deal breaker then why not say so in your profile? Smoking would be a deal breaker for me and I would say so upfront. Otherwise you're basically expecting people to be mind readers.

I have never met a man who doesnt drive TBH! I would feel a little shaky with that .

I'd happily date someone who doesn't drive. I rarely drive even though I can. If you choose the right place to live, you can do most things by walking, cycling or public transport, which is more environmentally friendly and healthier.

But I would not date someone who doesn't put in their share of effort. So i'd have a frank discussion with him, demand that he travels 50% of weekends, and if not then I'd end it.

The distance and his attitude are the issue here, both of which would be a no-no for me. Date someone closer OP. That drive plus his laziness would piss me off no end. Non-starter IMO.

Interestingly I had the opposite problem with a past boyfriend, he lived with his parents so always came to mine. I got fed up of always having to tidy, get food in, play host.

An imbalance in either direction can be an issue.