Would you judge someone who was no contact with a parent.

[IseeIsee]

It is just something that came up. My DS has a friend who is no contact with her Dad and my DM and DS think it is terrible and she will regret it when he dies. I saw something in a paper and a lot of the comments were very harsh towards the child. I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents. I think there is a societal stigma too for adult children who have a poor relationship with a parent. AIBU?

I'm no contact with my dad and won't care when he dies. He was abusive and vile to me when I was a teen. I attempted to maintain a relationship as an adult but he was no better so went NC last year.
I know my in-laws don't understand it but oh well...

I've been NC with F for years.

I often wondered if extended family were judging me harshly and when some history became common knowledge among them, I felt vindicated.

He has been in sheltered housing for a while now and I often wonder if staff and health professionals think badly of us.

I think about him all the time and have flashbacks and nightmares.

I still struggle with the morality of going NC especially as he ages.
Still don't know how I will react if he were to die with things as they are.

I think this is one of the most honest posts here

It’s honest, but only if you’re in the minority and from a perfect family where everyone all gets on and you live in a 5 bed detached house like the Waltons and everything is simply wonderful. No divorces, no new relationships, no affairs, no abuse....

IMO it’s a very naive post

Um no. I am more put off people who put up with abusive nasty families just because they are blood. It makes me put off because you are probably a weak, doormat who has no boundaries or self respect and give more weight to disney/religious/societal pressures to stay in touch even when they are harming you.

It shows a poor moral reasoning for doing things, putting duty and people pleasing above respect, mutual kindness and fairness.

There are so many people who are in contact with toxic dysfunctional horrific families. Being in contact with them doesn't make you a better person, it makes you a brainwashed weak mug.

@TableFlowerss

*I think this is one of the most honest posts here*

It’s honest, but only if you’re in the minority and from a perfect family where everyone all gets on and you live in a 5 bed detached house like the Waltons and everything is simply wonderful. No divorces, no new relationships, no affairs, no abuse....

IMO it’s a very naive post

It's not a naive post at all. For what it's worth, I was no contact with a very unpleasant father who had a very negative effect on my life (he instigated the NC - I was prepared to soldier on). It's a realistic post. Try it with other situations. You've been fired from a couple of jobs. How do prospective employers respond to that? Even if it absolutely wasn't your fault (according to you)?

I think this is one of the most honest posts here.

It’s certainly one of the most over-simplistic and judgemental

@PillowPrincess

Um no. I am more put off people who put up with abusive nasty families just because they are blood. It makes me put off because you are probably a weak, doormat who has no boundaries or self respect and give more weight to disney/religious/societal pressures to stay in touch even when they are harming you.

It shows a poor moral reasoning for doing things, putting duty and people pleasing above respect, mutual kindness and fairness.

There are so many people who are in contact with toxic dysfunctional horrific families. Being in contact with them doesn't make you a better person, it makes you a brainwashed weak mug.

Wow, that’s pretty mean. Equally you don’t know what goes on in families that makes it hard for people to walk away. They might be making allowances for mental health problems, addictions, dementia etc that causes behavioural problems. Doesn’t mean that they are weak.

See above. I was NOT talking about what was fair, reasonable, etc. I was talking about how people you meet, who don't know you well, are likely to think. You will be seen as someone with baggage. It's not the end of the world, necessarily, but it does raise questions about you and may well put people off. It's certainly not a selling-point.

but it does raise questions about you and may well put people off. It's certainly not a selling-point.

Good, I don't want judgemental dicks in my life anyway. And I'm not trying to sell myself

@PillowPrincess

Um no. I am more put off people who put up with abusive nasty families just because they are blood. It makes me put off because you are probably a weak, doormat who has no boundaries or self respect and give more weight to disney/religious/societal pressures to stay in touch even when they are harming you.

It shows a poor moral reasoning for doing things, putting duty and people pleasing above respect, mutual kindness and fairness.

There are so many people who are in contact with toxic dysfunctional horrific families. Being in contact with them doesn't make you a better person, it makes you a brainwashed weak mug.

This isn't actually any better than judging people for going NC. Toxic dysfunctional families are often incredibly enmeshed and are really hard to extricate oneself from. Also it's really common that the person thinks its their fault because they have had that hammered in to them for their whole life

I’d probably judge the parent. Dh has a colleague whose adult son is n/c and I’ve heard the colleague’s side of it that makes his son sound feckless and brainwashed. I absolutely judge.

I like the way that already having the disadvantage of having the sort of parents you need to go NC with makes you a 'less desirable' person for some posters. Smacks a little bit of victim blaming to me.

I totally agree that the people who would judge would only ever be the vacuous type who had never experienced anything outside their contended little bubble.

I was NC with both parents for a while and now have returned to contact with my DF, though I don't know how sustainable this is. I think it might be down to me, really: I make my DM so unhappy all the time, and there doesn't seem to be a way for me to fix it. I've been through the mill trying to work out what's wrong with the dynamic and what might cause it, and I finally came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter -- she loves me but doesn't have to like me and, if I'm going to cause her pain anyway (and I definitely have by ceasing contact, especially as I stupidly blew up at her), I might as well try to protect her and myself now.

I know for certain people have judged me, and some probably still do, but I can't live with being someone's thorn in the flesh so I just get on with it and try not to care. I definitely understand other people's need to go NC in a way I might not have done a few years ago!

My DH has no contact with his mother and only minimal sporadic contact with his father, so, no.

Echoing everyone else who says you never know the backstory.

No judgment from me.

@stationed

See above. I was NOT talking about what was fair, reasonable, etc. I was talking about how people you meet, who don't know you well, are likely to think. You will be seen as someone with baggage. It's not the end of the world, necessarily, but it does raise questions about you and may well put people off. It's certainly not a selling-point.

I think (although could be wrong) that a lot of people who are NC don't necessarily announce it to all and sundry and so it only comes up when they know someone better. I think people who are LC are even less likely to discuss it as they do have some relationship and wouldn't need to go into detail about how much they see the parent etc.

Try it with other situations. You've been fired from a couple of jobs. How do prospective employers respond to that? Even if it absolutely wasn't your fault (according to you)?

A job and parents are not the same. Yes the poster who said simplistic is spot on. You're very naive to think any family has no drama or problems. You can be in touch calling mum every day but your family is causing you no end of problems even getting you into debt, ruining your mental health, causing you problems with police. But no as long as you aren't nc then that's fine, eh?
Who doesn't have baggage? Staying in contact with a nasty family is a way bigger baggage than cutting them off. A person that goes NC doesn't do it lightly and is usually a very strong and resilient person who knows their own mind and right from wrong. Family is never a selling point, there id often hidden toxic dynamics that you dont see due to being conditioned or being too far out going on appearances.
Anyway i actually prefer people that speak up with their judgement like you because i too know to avoid them. Works for us both.

Stand Alone - supporting estranged adults in everyday life

The website has a lot of useful reports that are eyeopening as to how common estrangement is and its natural history.

www.standalone.org.uk/

He has been in sheltered housing for a while now and I often wonder if staff and health professionals think badly of us.

No. They've all seen enough in the course of work to know that these things are never straightforward. They're all familiar with Street Angels, House Devils.

@ThanksMateThanksMate

I've been NC with F for years.

I often wondered if extended family were judging me harshly and when some history became common knowledge among them, I felt vindicated.

He has been in sheltered housing for a while now and I often wonder if staff and health professionals think badly of us.

I think about him all the time and have flashbacks and nightmares.

I still struggle with the morality of going NC especially as he ages.
Still don't know how I will react if he were to die with things as they are.

If what he did to you was bad enough to leave you with flashbacks and nightmares, you owe him nothing and have no reason or need for guilt

Also some people say "it depends on the circumstances or "depends on the reason" which, whether they realise it or not is judgmental as they will only not judge if they are given detailed reasons not to.

Well, and also, to an outside eye, the reasons why you came to be estranged from a parent can sound pretty trivial when they're reduced to a linear narrative, with all the emotional content of a lifetime's psychological abuse and gaslighting stripped out. Often the last straw can be something that an outsider would judge very harshly if they view it in isolation but it gives you the impetus you've needed to cut someone out of your life who's been wreaking emotional havoc for years. Or, very commonly, having children of your own and seeing them about to be swept up into the maelstrom of dysfunctional family relations can be the trigger, but to the outside eye it looks like 'withholding contact with the children' when in fact you're protecting them.

I agree with @stationed btw. As the child of a dysfunctional family who is NC with a parent and several siblings, I know I bring baggage to my relationship with my DH and tend to view his family relations through the prism of my experiences. While this has been helpful in some respects, I doubt his family see it that way, and I've had relationships in the past, with people less willing to do the work, that foundered as a result. It's judgemental to assume you know what the deal is with estranged family members and to think badly of them as a result, but if you're about to embark on a relationship with someone in that position, it's just due diligence to think about whether you're up for helping cart the baggage around.

I was NC with my mother for the last 6 years of her life. She died very recently and I have no regrets. Years of abuse which continued after she died. Why would I stay in contact with someone so awful.

My DM made a conscious decision to go NC with her father when her own mother died (all before I was born) and left home to stay with a friend whose husband was away from home (WWII, a time when conventions about filial duty and the like were far stronger); she stayed there until she married my DF, helping to care for her friend's little boy.
As a child, it all washed over me, his death was a non-event in my life, and I only became vaguely curious in my teens about the GF I never met.
But I'm sure she had good reason; her younger brother, who was slightly more forgiving (less aware of the awfulness because younger, more indulged because a boy, I suspect) introduced my cousin to him, and he cheerfully described him as "an old bastard". From what I gather, the abuse was mostly emotional.
I think she simply decided that the toxicity was not going to pass down the generations, at a time when breaking the pattern was harder - and heaven knows, it's hard enough in the present day.
As PP's have said, it is a break nobody would ever make without good reason, and I would never judge anybody who took this painful step.

It's not a naive post at all. For what it's worth, I was no contact with a very unpleasant father who had a very negative effect on my life (he instigated the NC - I was prepared to soldier on). It's a realistic post.
Try it with other situations. You've been fired from a couple of jobs. How do prospective employers respond to that? Even if it absolutely wasn't your fault (according to you

@stationed

What on earth are you talking about? Your example about getting fired is moot because people don’t get fired unless they’ve done something wrong. There are laws to protect employees. So of course a potential employee would wonder why!!!

If an adult ‘child’ ‘Alice’, doesn’t speak to their parents then there’s going to be a good reason for that. They’ve likely been hurt by them and chose no contact because they are toxic to their well being.

So said above child ‘Alice’ meets a perspective bf and explains she no longer has contact with her dad, his warning lights come on?! Incase what, she’s a bad person?!

That’s ridiculous. Someone that judges someone on the back of no contact with a family member. Unbelievably judgemental to look at someone in a poor light on that back if that!

@lyralalala

I think this is one of the most honest posts here.

It’s certainly one of the most over-simplistic and judgemental

Exactly this!!!

No, because I personally had a very good reason to have NC with my DM and stepdad.