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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you judge someone who was no contact with a parent.

271 replies

IseeIsee · 13/12/2020 19:25

It is just something that came up. My DS has a friend who is no contact with her Dad and my DM and DS think it is terrible and she will regret it when he dies. I saw something in a paper and a lot of the comments were very harsh towards the child. I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents. I think there is a societal stigma too for adult children who have a poor relationship with a parent. AIBU?

OP posts:
MzHz · 14/12/2020 08:01

@IseeIsee

I have noticed that the friends that I have that are very judgemental have parents who would do anything for them. I genuinely believe that they don't understand that there are are parents who are not great.
Well exactly @IseeIsee, this is why it’s so hurtful to get wailed at on here sometimes

“But it’s your MOTHER!!” and “I wish my mother was still here, you don’t know how lucky you are to still have yours.”

To that last comment my reply is “You could have mine... but I doubt you’ll thank me at all”

In my experience it’s the hardest thing ever. It hurts like mad, keeps hurting and hurting and I don’t think you can ever come to terms with the grief at not having had a fair deal when it comes to parents.

pontiouspilates · 14/12/2020 08:04

I'd never judge. My friend went NC with her mother, didn't attend her funeral and has never regretted either decision. It was what she needed to do to protect herself.

PillowPrincess · 14/12/2020 08:08

Only stupid and or sheltered people judge you for going no contact with parents. I bet they also think all parents love their children, too 😂

Member984815 · 14/12/2020 08:10

No , I wouldn't judge but I know people who are no contact with one or both of their parents and it wasn't a decision taken lightly. If you don't know the ins and outs of the circumstances it's easy to judge based on your own experience

Spidey66 · 14/12/2020 08:15

No.

I had a good relationship with my late parents but not everyone is so lucky. There's probably a good reason for it-abuse in childhood, or their parents having substance misuse issues or serial criminals or something which they (the parents) are denying and/or refusing to address.

Lampzade · 14/12/2020 08:18

@CantStandMeow

My DH is no contact with his mum. His siblings are all very low contact, no contact being the end goal. If I typed half the things she's done I would be reported for trolling. In my experience it takes a hell of a lot to go nc with a parent, they're usually given many more chances than anyone else would. Far more than they deserve.

So no, I don't judge anyone who is no contact with a parent. I just assume there's a bloody good reason for it.

I was very LC with my ‘father’ before he died. I can assure you it was a very difficult decision. There are so many reasons why people go NC or LC with parents. Even people with the most terrible parents try to maintain relationships, so if people go NC or LC with their parents , there is usually a good reason.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/12/2020 08:19

Depends what had happened.

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 14/12/2020 08:25

My DDs went NC with their dad. He was an abusive alcoholic who had threatened to kill me.

He did die 8 months after that and no, there were no regrets that they didn't get to see him one more time. He was no loss to us.

Topseyt · 14/12/2020 08:34

I would just be very glad that I haven't had experiences that have lead me to go down any similar path myself.

Just because someone is in your family unit doesn't mean that you automatically have to have this flawless and fantastic relationship with them.

Ingridla · 14/12/2020 08:35

No but I'd judge someone who judged someone for having no contact with their parents without any knowledge of the issue.

BuzzingTheBee · 14/12/2020 08:39

What? Why would you?

Topseyt · 14/12/2020 08:53

It can be siblings who have no contact with each other.

We have no contact with one of DH's siblings who is an alcoholic with a very messy and murky past. He has a long police record, was abusive to his wife before she divorced him and was also physically and verbally abusive to many in the rest of the family.

canigooutyet · 14/12/2020 08:55

When I was still in contact I used to advice people to be careful if I had to introduce them to any of my family. People would laugh thinking yeah bollocks. Some people are naive and forget those utter arseholes live somewhere and have families.

Funny you mention small town op, and it's like the whole place has some weird Stockholm syndrome. I thought I imagined it until I took a group of friends home when I was young, stupid and still in contact.

Mulderitssme · 14/12/2020 09:02

I wouldn't judge as I was in this situation. I didn't really see her in the three years before she died and I was relieved when she did. She made everyone's lives a misery and we've had a very peaceful five years since.

stationed · 14/12/2020 09:55

I agree that there is often a good reason for no contact. And sometimes it's the parent who has unreasonably broken contact.
But I do know a couple of people who've broken contact with a few family members and who clearly have serious issues. One of them has caused problems since marrying into my cousin's family. Huge problems with the (well meaning if annoying) mother in law, including withholding access to grandchildren. Problems with her own mother. Has now cut contact with one of her adult children and his children and won't allow her husband to have any contact with them either. She's a very, very difficult woman and it's grim.

Original poster
IseeIsee · 14/12/2020 10:24

It seems that a lot of people say that they wouldn't judge but then a lot of posters, who unfortunately have a NC/ LC relationship say that they have been continually judged. Also some people say "it depends on the circumstances or "depends on the reason" which, whether they realise it or not is judgmental as they will only not judge if they are given detailed reasons not to.

I think it is sad that you had a difficult childhood, you made the very difficult decision to do what you think will make your life better and then you are judged for it. I think this is one of the reasons why people go down the LC route or continue the relationship.

OP posts:
Valkadin · 14/12/2020 10:26

I am no contact with one sister and had been very low contact for a couple of decades and hadn’t seen my Mother at all for three years before she died. My Mother allowed us to be sexually abused as children. I know it’s not my sisters fault she is hyper sexualised due to our atrocious childhood but she attempted to seduce my DH the last time she stayed at our house a few years ago. I love my sister but she is actually dangerous to be around. She gains pleasure from destroying others relationships.

stationed · 14/12/2020 10:28

Realistically, having no contact means a complicated and negative family history, raises question marks and puts people off.

TableFlowerss · 14/12/2020 10:30

Absolutely not!!

The parent may have been an abusive, with narcissistic and sociopath tendencies.

I would say anyone that would judge someone for no contact is either very lucky to have the perfect relationship and loving parents or is very judgmental and ignorant.

It’s madness

TableFlowerss · 14/12/2020 10:32

To add- no one could possibly know the ins and outs so to judge is beyond ridiculous.

79andnotout · 14/12/2020 10:32

My friends have pretty much all experienced first hand how nasty my mother is so understand the situation. I'm not NC but have been whenever she's just too much for me to handle. I have to put my own mental health first. My siblings do the same.

Original poster
IseeIsee · 14/12/2020 10:34

@stationed

Realistically, having no contact means a complicated and negative family history, raises question marks and puts people off.
I think this is one of the most honest posts here.
OP posts:
Wannakisstheteacher · 14/12/2020 10:35

No. But I would definitely judge someone who thought it was any of their business what someone else decided to do with their life.

mindutopia · 14/12/2020 10:40

Definitely not, I'm NC with a parent. There's truly no other option, though I wish life hadn't turned out this way. My mum married a paedophile, who I know continues to engage in sexually inappropriate behaviour with children similar to what he was previously convicted of. It's not safe for my dc to have her in our lives and it's not okay for my mental health either (she is very aggressive about it all, sees herself as a victim, anyone who questions her narrative is dragged through the mud, etc. I just can't take the abuse and be a functioning person for my kids).

In my experience, people who are NC with a parent usually are quite sensible and brave as it's a horrible decision to have to make. That said, one thing I've learned actually is to be suspicious of people whose children are NC with them. I know two people whose children refuse to have anything to do with them. In both instances, those people turned out to be horrible people (with the criminal record to show for it). I see now that their children made really wise decisions and it should have served as a warning for me, but I didn't really think it through at the time as they were very good at telling lies about why their children were so awful and didn't speak to them anymore.

TableFlowerss · 14/12/2020 10:41

@Wannakisstheteacher

No. But I would definitely judge someone who thought it was any of their business what someone else decided to do with their life.
Here here!