Would you judge someone who was no contact with a parent.

[IseeIsee]

It is just something that came up. My DS has a friend who is no contact with her Dad and my DM and DS think it is terrible and she will regret it when he dies. I saw something in a paper and a lot of the comments were very harsh towards the child. I would never judge myself but have friends who would feel very strongly that you should always be there for your parents. I think there is a societal stigma too for adult children who have a poor relationship with a parent. AIBU?

I didn’t realise NC was a thing until I started reading MN. I always think it’s very sad.

You can't be serious @Julestherabbit?

I do find it off-putting when someone is NC with several members of their family.

We are NC with a parent, we tried but their behaviour once again escalated so we went NC. We will probably always try every few years but if they escalate again we will go NC. Nothing is set in stone.

I don’t judge someone who chooses to go NC with a parent, in fact I kind of admire people with the balls to do it.

I would judge a parent who chose to go NC with their own children. I understand there are circumstances where you would, but I cannot personally ever imagine not wanting to see my own child.

IME going NC is only done after years of suffering, attempts at making the relationship work and huge amounts of soul searching, have never met anyone who did it for giggles or because they couldn't be bothered to keep in touch with loving parents.I agree. I know a fair few people who probably should be NC so I don't think it's an easy decision at all.

Exactly this

I’m NC with my mother. This is the 3rd time. 1st time I was at uni, met DH who (having a loving family) persuaded me to get back in contacts it’s her.
Then we went NC when we went travelling as things came to a head and DH could see what I had been on about.
Then I got back in contact when I was pregnant with DS1 as though my child should know all it’s family. Stayed in contact for about 5 years and then stopped again as it just got too much.

Being NC is good in some ways but there’s is a lot of guilt and shame that goes with it. People do judge you or they feel sorry for you or that just can’t understand it as have parents and families where going NC just seems crazy. There’s a lot of times through the year that really bring home that you don’t have that relationship, Mother’s Day or Christmas or weddings or funerals or kids birthdays etc. Or just seeing friends with thier mums who will do anything for them.

No, I'd feel that they must have been through hell if it got to that point. Although I do come across so many people (well mainly women, sorry) who are besties with their mum and are completely horrified that other women don't have time for their mothers. "But she's your mum. You'll never get another!". Well thank fuck for that

Parents and siblings die, that is obviously a very permanent thing, I think people sometimes forget that reality. No chance to ask more questions, get angry or maybe even reconcile. So yes it's a very sad outcome that might lead to regret, but we can never be in a position to judge, only support.

I think MN is more enlightened about this issue than the population at large. I am NC with a parent and have had a lot of grief for it over the years, both from people who hardly know me and have no business commenting at all and from friends who ought to know me well enough to understand that it's not something I would do lightly. I'm not sure which is more offensive tbh.

Unless people have personally had the experience of toxic parenting they just don't understand and massively minimise what they perceive the problem to be. I've been told more times than I can remember that I'm making a mistake/I'll regret it when they die/I should keep the lines of communication open/I'm heartless and cruel, etc etc. I just smile and nod now, and say I'll think about what they've said. I can't be bothered to argue. There have been too many arguments in my life already. I should probably have kept my dirty laundry more to myself over the years, but I don't see why I should have to, especially when having a toxic parent generally leads to numerous situations that involve secrets, shame or gaslighting, and openness and speaking the truth is often what sets you free in the end.

Anyone who doesn't understand how someone can go NC with a parent needs to give thanks and then stfu really.

I'd be thankful id never have to worry about this if I judged.

It's no easy matter having to go low contact with a parent but the truth is parents are just people who have dc.
There are so many reasons why parents and children need a break. Sad but it's true.

Some of relationships cannot be salvaged and some of people can't have relationships... Sometimes they don't want them to be either and they don't want the person at their death bed.

My DH and I are NC with one parent from each side. I suspect this may change in my case, but it will never be more than LC.

I suspect people do judge us. But those who know the details never do. And I have no doubt in my mind that the parents have more than deserved that. It's a very hard decision, not taken lightly. Of course we'd love to have great, cheerful family Christmas, pop out for dinner together, have a laugh, help each other out with a burst pipe. The little things. But we know with these people, these things would only cause more stress and anguish, it's an idea that we miss, not them as people. It's taken a lot to arrive at this place, it's lonelier, but overall happier. I'd never judge anyone who goes NC, for the vast majority it must have been hard, probably still is, but it's usually completely justified.

I don't know. I'm not sure I'd judge but I think there are better ways to handle many things than go NC. There are situations that warrant it, but considering the number of times you hear it bantered about here on MN for things that I think are misunderstandings, differences or even rooted in trauma, I think it should be a very very rare thing.

I do know an older auntie type figure who this happened to, over the most trivial thing. All she did was put some boundaries down when asked for free childcare yet again by her ds and daughter-in-law. They were using her 50+ hours a week despite her having some new emerging health challenges, and then expected ten days while they went on a beach jolly. She said no, that this can't continue as is because she's almost 70 and struggling. Hasn't seen her grandchildren in 2 years since, literally since the day she told them. She's written, text and phoned. She's apologized and asked if she can see gc monthly and promises in no way to undermine them etc. They ghosted her. And I know for a fact that daughter in law is on MN.

There can like I said be good reasons but I don't think all those who go NC are doing it because of past abuse or serious things. I think sometimes it's because they can't use that persons anymore, or don't value the relationship. It is very good to go NC in more extreme situations, where something is unsafe mentally/physically etc. I would always support someone who had serious reasons, shared or not.

I do find it off-putting when someone is NC with several members of their family.

Er why, @stationed? Sometimes it comes down to needing to cut off certain family members and then everyone else picking sides. I'm NC with my whole "family" (I say that as I'm in the process of making a new one for myself and no longer consider them my family) but I don't take culpability in that choice. My siblings couldn't see the abuse and didn't bear the brunt of everything on their own.

If you have not experienced the cruelty some humans are capable of, you should consider yourself lucky.

There are parents who have committed horrific crimes against their children. These parents deserve the lack of contact from their offspring. They also often deserve prison time, but our society is fundamentally flawed so that rarely happens.

There can like I said be good reasons but I don't think all those who go NC are doing it because of past abuse or serious things. I think sometimes it's because they can't use that persons anymore, or don't value the relationship.

I think if you're using people and that stops and you decide to go NC, then you've been quite cruel. But I also don't think the default state has to be staying in contact with your parents. I think an opt-in scheme is better than an opt-out one because really you shouldn't accept bad behaviour just because they're your family.

Wow I’m NC with several members of my family
It literally never occurred to me before this thread that someone would judge me for that. I don’t know why or how you can. You have no idea what someone’s experiences and relationships are like. It seems very privileged to make assumptions from your limited experiences, with only half the information.

On the plus if someone felt they could judge my entire character based on how I was not willing to just keep people in my life that we’re having an ongoing negative effect on it, I suppose that tells me all I need to know about that person too.

Nope, I was NC with my father due to abuse and neglect
If people judged me for that, they ain't worth knowing, like my father

I wouldn’t, because I am NC with my DM
I do however feel judged by my dsis who isn’t. This might be paranoia in my part, she has never said anything

One of my adult dcs is NC with their father ( exDH). I am also NC , although there is no reason why I would need to have contact with him.
I support their reasons for going NC as he is an utter fuckwit. My dcs are NC with each other which is difficult.

People who do this have done so for their own well-being. I can only imagine that a judging onlooker has never had any insight into what it means to have an abusive/addicted/neglectful parent.

My DH is NC with his parents. After years of attempts to get them into counselling for their abusive and controlling behaviour.

Having children was what prompted DH to go NC. We were willing to cop a large amount of mistreatment in the name of 'family obligation', but when our children were born creating a safe environment for them became the priority. We tried to go LC and have some boundaries to make the relationship workable - they only escalated their abuse as a result.

I came from a happy healthy family. Until I joined DH's family I could not have imagined cutting off a family member and the thought would have made me so sad. It's something that is hard to imagine when your family has always been basically good, or at the very least, not deliberately trying to hurt you.

I wouldn't judge someone who has gone NC. I would assume, knowing what I know now, that they had a good reason. Furthermore I would assume that reason was none of my business.

I would think that someone is very naive and sheltered if they really can't even consider that someone may have a very good reason for being NC with a parent. Of course it is possible that the child is the one in the wrong, but it is awfully presumptious to immediately jump to that conclusion. You never really know what has gone on in someone else's family.

I'm nc with my dad although he started it. He doesn't speak to two of his dc (although it was other siblings choice to go nc) and has very on/off contact with my other siblings.

NC isn't always because of the parents behaviour and can be instigated by the parent/s because they can no longer put up with the adult child's behaviour...only saying I would never be too quick to judge.