To feel upset that counsellor made me feel bad for using MN

[notmenotmine]

Name change for this *

I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling to address some issues form my childhood and the relationship I have with my parents.

Since becoming a mum myself (in Feb) I’ve felt really affected by certain things and I need some help coming to terms with my feelings.

Anyway, our first session was on Friday afternoon (remotely)

I firstly had to tell her about me, interests, hobbies, my life etc.
The therapists then asked me what support I have and who I can turn to.

I told her I have my husband.
I have some really close friends but I struggle to open up to them.
This isn’t because they aren’t supportive, it’s more because I struggle with showing people my emotions and I don’t want people to see my vulnerable side.

She told me it’s important that I have a good support network and feel able to get things off of my chest.

I get this from my husband but told her I also use MN which since having DC I’ve found really helpful, especially after being diagnosed with post natal anxiety.

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

I feel really upset by what she’s said and quite honestly really judged by her.

It was only our first session so I don’t know what she’s like other than the hour we had on Friday.

I told my husband and he said he thinks it’s a good idea for me to stop using MN too and to start trying to trust my own judgement and opinions or that of my RL friends.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being too sensitive but I feel pretty crap about what she’s said.☹️

@BlackeyedSusan

lots of strangers have become friends. so what if you met them over the internet.

Mmm. Doesn't really happen on MN though does it? The anonymity is the draw for most.

@MrsMiaWallis

It's actually quite frightening the amount of posters telling the OP to leave the counsellor because she criticised Mumsnet.

How on earth can they presume to know better than a trained professional. They don't even know the OP.

OP asked for opinions and got them. Do you think she would have even bothered posting if she expected everybody to say 'Counsellor knows best!'

I think if you come out of a first counselling session questioning what the counsellor has said to you to such a degree that you post on the internet about it, 'This might not be the right counsellor for you' is an intelligent comment.

Being a 'trained professional' doesn't mean you are right for everybody all the time. There are many client/counsellor relationships that don't work, and it's nobody's fault. That's just humans.

So? It's not about Mumsnet per se. It could be another site. It's about criticising and judging something that makes OP feel better, which she needs at the moment. & OP wrote what the Counsellor said - it sounds condescending I would NEVER speak like that to somebody needing help. & Since when do we have to speak word for word around here anyway?

I think sometimes counsellors might suggest things that challenge you.

@MrsMiaWallis

I think sometimes counsellors might suggest things that challenge you.

Me too.

strangers have become friends. That’s an oxymoron and asinine
The appeal of mn Is the anonymity, hence we all have usernames, not our RL names or location

Hi Op
I think if you reduce being on mumsnet just ensure you do, allways have enough good support network,to replace mums net, too, @notmenotmine this is essential for sustaining your emotional health equilibrium.
😊

@MrsMiaWallis

The "poor reputation" of this site is being driven by people with a vested interest to ensure that women do not have their own voice. Or do you not have the intelligence to realise that?

That is terrifyingly batshit.

But you have been critical on this thread of Mumsnet from the off. I wonder why YOU are on this site. You don't seem to like it very much or even respect it. It is a generous warm place - might not always say what you want it to but that is its strength - different opinions. I have valued that much over the years. And no I am not batshit and neither are my opinions.

@southeastdweller

She shouldn't be judging you and when any counsellor does is when you need to walk away.

Is she qualified? And what is her modality - CBT, person centred, psychodynamic? I'm thinking she may be CBT and is getting confused with giving shit advice with helpful strategies.

A trained and competent CBT therapist would certainly not give this directive advice and opinion, CBT's foundation is Socratic dialogue.

CBT therapists sit alongside a client to test out change to see if feelings change. A CBT therapist may well ask the client to log how anxious they feel before and after seeking online advice and how long the reassurance lasts, they may encourage a client to log if the same questions are being asked repeatedly or if there are new subjects each time. They would consider the pros and cons of more communication with "real life" people, while examining together what sort of communication it is, e.g. reassurance seeking is reassurance seeking, whether online or in person.

They would explore with the client how their beliefs about themselves, others and the world, formed by previous experiences, were influencing their current interpersonal behaviours.

This counsellor has shamed the client in the first session and imposed a goal on them based on their own opinions and experience rather than the client's, that does not sound like an approach that any therapy I know of would endorse - sorry OP, that that has happened for you.

I've found Mumsnet to be an enormous source of strength;some of the threads are here are incredibly inspiring.I've seen funny threads that have had me giggling my head off,threads that have made me cry and threads that have gotten me through a very tough time.

I think sometimes there are things you cannot or don't want to tell RL people about;sometimes it helps to be anonymous and sometimes the opinions of those close to you can be skewed.

I've had a few counsellors and the good ones asked me what I wanted to achieve with the process, I had 2 telling me I had to do XYZ and left both of them as an earlier counsellor had advised me it's not brilliant practise to tell a client what to do (I asked at the end of a session "so what should I do about x")

For a 'treatment plan' to include cessation of an activity I would expect there to be a harm being caused by the activity but as @notmenotmine doesn't seem to be adversely affected by MN it does sound like the counsellor has an opinion of the place.

You are allowed to disagree with her and state that you were upset by her phrasing, it's your counselling, Make it work as well as it can for you by letting her know that she inadvertently upset you and moving on. She may well not realise how her words could be interpreted

Slightly saddened to see people think they *owe^ a counsellor their time and vulnerability because of a waiting list or it being a volunteer. Counselling is supposed to help you remove that sense of wanting approval and empower you to say "That was quite hurtful actually" without expecting the world to fall in.

I have said I like it because it is interesting, sometimes funny and quite often very practically helpful. What it isn't and shouldn't be is a guide for life. You wouldn't encourage your teens to live their lives using advice from complete strangers on the internet. Why is it good enough for grown women?

I also really hate the "everyone who deviates from the party line must be a Russian bot/shill/paid poster" bullshit that's bandied about when anyone doesn't agree 100% with threads.

A lot on posters need to reflect why they are so zealous in criticising the counsellor
Ditch counsellor - Bin her
Is counsellor properly trained
A proper counsellor wouldn’t give that advice
Leave counsellor, stay on mn
Lots of emotional posts in 1st person how important mn is to you. When it’s actually a thread about the op...not you

MrsMiaWallis

I agree

also really hate the "everyone who deviates from the party line must be a Russian bot/shill/paid poster" bullshit that's bandied about when anyone doesn't agree 100% with threads

Yes, there is a propensity in some posters towards an inward insular mn point of view. Life viewed through the mn prism. Constructive Comments and criticism of mn posts is healthy and should be encouraged not immediately decried as troll, or mischievous

MN makes me feel stronger. Reminds me that I matter and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself or take shit from people.

It also helps me understand other people's feelings and side of an argument.

I'm empowered by it tbh.

Don't leave us

I'm on MN because my counsellor told me about it @10 years ago!
All a matter of opinion..

Most people said change Counsellor. That's not saying to leave Counselling, is it? Some people play with words too much to make a lofty bullshit point.

What on earth do 'party lines' 'zealous' etc have to do with it? I don't get any sense of that here, it's just an internet forum. We all live in the real world. Screen off, we're gone.

If someone makes you feel like shit, especially if you're paying, them sack them off. That's it. MN is like anywhere else some of it good some of it bad - but the good OP has found, has made her feel good. What's wrong with that? & Whatever the Counsellor thinks, her approach was entirely wrong on that particular score.

FFS with textbook talk. If you're pompously criticising MN and trying (poorly) to say people here are too enmeshed in MN or whatever you're on about, then with your oh so enlightened selves - WTF are you doing here then?

It must be terribly bad for you.

Ok,so it’s not alright to recommend judicious or reduced use of mn.or agree with counsellor
But it’s ok to recommend sack, and/or ditch the counsellor. Question the counsellor motive & qualification and accuse her of shaming the op
There are posters who are making it up as they go along,to add brevity to their posts
Op you seem OCD?are you OCD? ...Op answered NO

Op mn doesn’t seem to have an adverse impact or effect upon you...never having met Op how would any of you genuinely know

First person Mn was great for me...How does that in anyway affect op and her treatment?

The anger is interesting.

The anger is interesting very much so, any perceived criticism of mn is producing a really strong rage and defensiveness. That manifests as direct personal attacks on the counsellor and other posters.

The OP hasn't said that she is reliant on MN at all, this isn't MN OR the counselling.

What was said was tactless, really bloody tactless and it left OP feeling she'd been judged.

Leaving a counsellor for another after One session isn't the same as walking out on a job or a marriage. If a hairdresser fucks up a bit of your hair you don't go back or you risk it but make clear you weren't happy last time and explain the issue.
After One session you shouldn't be feeling bad about a tactless comment because you don't have to.

[quote notmenotmine]@GertieGumboyle

I had a massive dilemma recently, and was tempted to post on MN. However, I then decided there was no point as nobody here knows me or my DC or XH, so would not have a full enough picture to be able to offer anything other than a very superficial opinion. Instead, I asked my mum and my sister and my three closest RL friends. When they all said the same, I felt reassured that the advice - which confirmed my own feelings - had come from people who knew all of us well enough to make a reasonable judgement.

This is what my husband thinks the therapist is getting at.[/quote]
I can't say whether your husband is right or not, @notmenotmine All I can do is say that MN has its place, as all social media probably does - but for me, its place is not central when it comes to really important matters in my own life and which involve my children (I've seen my share of counsellors and had my share of horrendous problems, too, FWIW - but for me, MN isn't the place to seek advice. I use it more as a bit of a diversion, and have spent years when I haven't used it at all because I've felt that it isn't helping my MH (have been here for about 20 years under about 200 names). For me, it has its place as a diversion - but no more than that.

That’s what you’d do. You’re very clear about that. It’s not all about you though is it

@lilmishap That’s what you’d do. You’re very clear about that. It’s not all about you though is it