To feel upset that counsellor made me feel bad for using MN

[notmenotmine]

Name change for this *

I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling to address some issues form my childhood and the relationship I have with my parents.

Since becoming a mum myself (in Feb) I’ve felt really affected by certain things and I need some help coming to terms with my feelings.

Anyway, our first session was on Friday afternoon (remotely)

I firstly had to tell her about me, interests, hobbies, my life etc.
The therapists then asked me what support I have and who I can turn to.

I told her I have my husband.
I have some really close friends but I struggle to open up to them.
This isn’t because they aren’t supportive, it’s more because I struggle with showing people my emotions and I don’t want people to see my vulnerable side.

She told me it’s important that I have a good support network and feel able to get things off of my chest.

I get this from my husband but told her I also use MN which since having DC I’ve found really helpful, especially after being diagnosed with post natal anxiety.

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

I feel really upset by what she’s said and quite honestly really judged by her.

It was only our first session so I don’t know what she’s like other than the hour we had on Friday.

I told my husband and he said he thinks it’s a good idea for me to stop using MN too and to start trying to trust my own judgement and opinions or that of my RL friends.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being too sensitive but I feel pretty crap about what she’s said.☹️

@MrsMiaWallis Counselling isn't about true facts it's for giving people the tools they need to manage their own feelings about their own experiences.

A counsellor should not be describing people who are unhappy in such a derisory way seeing as her client is in a bloody counselling session.

That is difficult, because on here you do yet a lot of LTB because he left the lid of the toothpaste, and some highly judgemental people who delight in being contrary and telling you, you are being unreasonable when you clearly aren’t .

However genuinely distressed posters do get a huge amount of emotional support and release from posting.

If you’ve found the posts supportive and are happy to carry on then I would do so, and tell the counsellor why

And never post in AIBU, only in relationships

I don't think the issue is whether the counsellor was right, it's in the way she phrased it. If she'd asked it as a question, OP might be feeling differently about it now, and the message may still have got across.

She shouldn't be judging you and when any counsellor does is when you need to walk away.

Is she qualified? And what is her modality - CBT, person centred, psychodynamic? I'm thinking she may be CBT and is getting confused with giving shit advice with helpful strategies.

I'm a therapist and am actively encouraging people to get support online,

NHS recommends some online sources of mutual support so it feels rather lacking in nuance for a counsellor to advise against a site as vast as MN that can be invaluable for advice at the point you need it. (02:30 when someone is exhausted post-birth and attempting to establish feeding.)

I think the counsellor's attitude possibly reflects some random reports like the one a while back by Catriona Jones that Mumsnet and similar sites were amplifying anxiety and triggering fear of childbirth:

Ultimately we should not be blaming women and Mumsnet for the rise in Tocophobia. We should be encouraging women to keep speaking up about their experiences and celebrating the fact that there are spaces for women to do this. If we are looking at why fear of childbirth has risen there are more important issues to consider before you blame social media. Cuts to services, lack of research and a push on natural birth have all factored into this. Women need to keep speaking out for their own sake and to help encourage change.

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/pregnancy-childbirth-mumsnet_uk_5b9a7f76e4b010e18e372e86?

@lilmishap

C-“people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support” OP-"You're right I'll be leaving now"

Seriously thats a bit rich coming from a Counsellor who makes her money being the bloody stranger people PAY because they are not happy and loving every life cram packed minute.

Maybe she's scared MN will tell you to get another Counsellor who doesn't shame people for not having happy, full lives when they wander into her counselling room complaining that they're not happy with their lives.

Get another counsellor.

This is a much more articulate way of saying what I meant to!

Exactly this.

Really? I've seen a few therapists (from CBT to talking therapy) and not one has ever given an opinion on anything I have said. It's all about reflection and active listening.

@Ingridla interestingly your reproaches to me are spurious & personal
You don’t actually address my challenge to your ill informed bad advice
Funny that

So no, I don’t need to calm down
And yes I’ll continue to challenge bad advice, such as yours, wherever I see it

@Haffiana

Bet she has been on here, made a tit of herself and has had her arse handed to her.

So looking for a like button!!

I think she may have a point, too. Not specifically on threads aimed at providing support for the vulnerable, but the general tenor of threads in AIBU, Chat and Relationships, which I think amplify the anxious person’s sense that their every action is being potentially negatively judged — from their diet to their dress sense, the contents of their shopping trolley, their friendships, incomes, their policy on screen time for the under-tens etc etc.

A friend of mine — a strong, confident, very professionally successful person — left Mn because she said it gave a voice to her minor anxieties about being judged in daily life.

It would be one thing if vulnerable users literally confined themselves to MH support threads, but I assume they scroll around like everyone else.

I know HCP who do advise clients eg new mums to avoid mn. Esp breastfeeding posts. Mn can be really fierce regard breastfeeding and some posters really heap blame and guilt on new mums

Natural birth is a big deal on mn and there are some misrepresentation about CS and the after effects and recovery. ,

[quote HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]@Ingridla interestingly your reproaches to me are spurious & personal
You don’t actually address my challenge to your ill informed bad advice
Funny that

So no, I don’t need to calm down
And yes I’ll continue to challenge bad advice, such as yours, wherever I see it[/quote]

Do you fancy me or something!! Honestly

Change Counsellors.

She's made you feel bad so it's downhill from here. You don't need a critical and judgemental person anywhere in your life.

My cousin is a Counsellor and he doesn't even like women
Critical of women, can't even hold a relationship together, in his 50s has had a string of relationships that don't last. He has all the qualifications on paper though.

It's wise to be very careful of Counsellors, not all of them deserve to be in the role. Get rid of her and take your time choosing someone who's right for you.

I also don't think your husband telling you to come off MN is right. He is not you. You know what makes you feel good.

I do find there are lots of strange people here. But when my brother died unexpectedly years ago and I was at rock bottom, I logged on here 2am and got so much support I was overwhelmed. 2 weeks later I was still getting messages asking how I was. I'd never have got through it without MN. My Counsellor was shit. MN wasn't. Stay here.

Again you fail to address my points about your bad advice,and use sarcasm as deflection

Haffiana

Bet she has been on here, made a tit of herself and has had her arse handed to her.
No she's been on here and seen what a toxic place it is and the fact that posters cant see that is MNs biggest weakness

LovingCountryLife Sun 13-Dec-20 18:53:02 I agree. I think you have to be quite thick skinned to post on MN, there are some utter cretins who post some really quite toxic, aggressive and spiteful comments, regularly. MN can be amazing, but it also has a pretty poor reputation for being a place where a certain type of woman comes to vent their bitter and twisted spleens.

I've been on here about 12 years. The only section where I really find your statement true is relationships where 2nd wives moan about their (supposedly D)H-ex and (supposedlyD)SC.

I came here because I finally had found a social media site where most posters were reasonably intelligent and, more often than not, women with an interest in women's issues. I still love AIBU - it is my favourite part of the site - come on here with shit and you will be challenged!

The "poor reputation" of this site is being driven by people with a vested interest to ensure that women do not have their own voice. Or do you not have the intelligence to realise that?

Op - get a new counselor.

Get rid of her and take your time choosing someone who's right for you

OP has been on a waiting list. I don't believe there is a whole lot of 'choosing' to be done or 'taking time' here is there? Unless going private.

It's actually quite frightening the amount of posters telling the OP to leave the counsellor because she criticised Mumsnet.

How on earth can they presume to know better than a trained professional. They don't even know the OP.

@MrsMiaWallis

It's actually quite frightening the amount of posters telling the OP to leave the counsellor because she criticised Mumsnet.

How on earth can they presume to know better than a trained professional. They don't even know the OP.

Exactly!

The "poor reputation" of this site is being driven by people with a vested interest to ensure that women do not have their own voice. Or do you not have the intelligence to realise that?

That is terrifyingly batshit.

Dee you’ve written a long post about your issues and experience and you’re projecting your experience as what @notmenotmine should do

You feel strongly about mn and cannot tolerate any perceived criticism of mn, to the extent you’re advising op to change her counsellor. The op has not actually used the words critical and judgemental they are your words.

lots of strangers have become friends. so what if you met them over the internet.

I agree with her and I really like mumsnet. I like to come on here inthe evening to have a little nose and laugh at the AIBU's but wouldn't depend on it for support from randomers. Pinch of salt and all that.

@GlowingOrb
Don't be discouraged by what Op Consellor,Therapist said.

, There is good and negative not so good Counsellor Therapists just like any other Professions have.

( Did you read @catmum2019 Poster Comments,then?
She is a counsellor therapist herself and said said Op needs to more Assertive speak up for herself,if she Op feels mumsnet
forum offers her bit/ some support in some way..

Also feel that looking/exploring all kinds of different therapies out there, an (theories behind them are to see which therapies are beneficial most to you too.
Looking in books or online to find out .