To feel upset that counsellor made me feel bad for using MN

[notmenotmine]

Name change for this *

I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling to address some issues form my childhood and the relationship I have with my parents.

Since becoming a mum myself (in Feb) I’ve felt really affected by certain things and I need some help coming to terms with my feelings.

Anyway, our first session was on Friday afternoon (remotely)

I firstly had to tell her about me, interests, hobbies, my life etc.
The therapists then asked me what support I have and who I can turn to.

I told her I have my husband.
I have some really close friends but I struggle to open up to them.
This isn’t because they aren’t supportive, it’s more because I struggle with showing people my emotions and I don’t want people to see my vulnerable side.

She told me it’s important that I have a good support network and feel able to get things off of my chest.

I get this from my husband but told her I also use MN which since having DC I’ve found really helpful, especially after being diagnosed with post natal anxiety.

She told me that places like MN attract the same type of people, who fuel each other’s anxieties and worries.

I told her my experience is different and to be honest MN has been a huge help to me, but she said “people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

She told me she wants to put in my treatment plan that I will reduce my MN usage.

I feel really upset by what she’s said and quite honestly really judged by her.

It was only our first session so I don’t know what she’s like other than the hour we had on Friday.

I told my husband and he said he thinks it’s a good idea for me to stop using MN too and to start trying to trust my own judgement and opinions or that of my RL friends.

I don’t know if I’m over reacting or being too sensitive but I feel pretty crap about what she’s said.☹️

X post with OP but sounds as if they did have a conversation about it anyway.

In this modern age, most people are part of some kind of online forum with other strangers but with shared interests. It's just the way life is now. Obviously everything in moderation and as long as you keep in mind the digital strangers are not a replacement for real life friends but more of a source of knowledge, perspectives and information.

That’s outrageously bad advice @Ingridla. You’re over invested in someone else counselling
IMO The key word is depend and it’s true. One shouldn’t depend upon strangers
The op has been on a waiting list and this is her NHS counsellor , she has waited and now it’s her treatment time
Bin her. What a silly asinine dangerous thing to advise a women who clearly has a need
Therapy has an ouch factor, because of the exploratory work and emotional demands it triggers

To be honest Mumsnet did fuel my anxiety to an extent.. so she might be unto something

But it also helped me address issues bubbling under the surface

So not sure where I stand in that one

I was thinking yesterday that since finding Mumsnet when trying to conceive I developed anxiety and depressions abs started overthinking stuff

But I wonder if I hadn’t where I would be today, the same people pleaser doormat who accepted being bullied as the one ore Mumsnet? And let it eat at my self esteem ?

I’m not sure.. maybe therapy is middle group between the two

That’s outrageously bad advice @Ingridla. You’re over invested in someone else counselling

I'm really not, calm down

@Ingridla I don’t need to calm down because I’m not aerated. At all
I’m simply challenging your bad advice and the bin it quip
You however need to take some responsibility for your bad advice, you’re clearly touchy at being challenged. Hence the calm down putdown. It’s a comment designed to deflect and distract by casting aspersions on the legitimacy of my observations. In order that no one actually questions why you’re telling a women. You’ve never met to bin her counsellor

Maybe you should explore why the comment about leading a seeking support from strangers when leading full and happy life offends you so much.

Because it's an offensive remark? It insults anyone who has ever come to MumsNet or any other forum for support.

[quote HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]@Ingridla I don’t need to calm down because I’m not aerated. At all
I’m simply challenging your bad advice and the bin it quip
You however need to take some responsibility for your bad advice, you’re clearly touchy at being challenged. Hence the calm down putdown. It’s a comment designed to deflect and distract by casting aspersions on the legitimacy of my observations. In order that no one actually questions why you’re telling a women. You’ve never met to bin her counsellor[/quote]

I'd wager you're highly aerated by all those typos

Go pick a fight elsewhere, you won't find a sparring partner here!

@Sparklingbrook

So, in OP's scenario, a good counsellor would have encouraged OP to talk about her use of MN, and to make a judgment of whether or not it was healthy, and a good thing to do moving forward.

Possibly, but what a waste of counselling time. You have to jam as much value into the session as you can, I remember thinking 'right I have 50 minutes so need to make them count'.

It depends. The devil is in the detail of life. You can't jam value into the pace at which someone opens up.

You could say I wasted a load of counselling time by crying, so the counsellor would have done a better job if she'd told me to stop. Sometimes the truth is reached by circuitous routes. The main job of a counsellor in the first session is to get the client feeling comfortable, and not making the client feel like shit.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

There a lot of toxic people on mumsnet, people who wouldn't get away with their shit in real life so hide behind a computer screen to vent and kick people when they're down. In general, I don't think social media is healthy, the exact opposite in fact. I'm trying to wean myself off it slowly however sometimes I just get engrossed!

This says exactly what I wanted to say.

MN is, like all social media, a very mixed bag. So is real life, obviously, but it's easier to sort the sheep from the goats in real life.

It also strikes me that while it's sometimes very helpful to get a completely 'outsider' perspective on things, the only view that can ever really help you is that of someone who knows you very, very well and who completely understands the context of your particular problem.

I had a massive dilemma recently, and was tempted to post on MN. However, I then decided there was no point as nobody here knows me or my DC or XH, so would not have a full enough picture to be able to offer anything other than a very superficial opinion. Instead, I asked my mum and my sister and my three closest RL friends. When they all said the same, I felt reassured that the advice - which confirmed my own feelings - had come from people who knew all of us well enough to make a reasonable judgement.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Maybe you should explore why the comment about leading a seeking support from strangers when leading full and happy life offends you so much.

Because it's an offensive remark? It insults anyone who has ever come to MumsNet or any other forum for support.

No it doesn't.

Hi Op
I think that you have obviously found mumsnet useful/beneficial to you.
My advice would be stick with mumsnet, as one part of a healthy/ balance of range of different support systems going on in your life,
(As long as you have perspective,on
certain "Competitive misery " stories that crop etc, don't get sucked into them like vortex.

I do think its good /and beneficial to have real life friends in your life.
Are your friends supportive/good enough as a support network?if not why not?
if they are not look at ways to encourage/cultivate new better friendships aswell.
(Maybe you have outgrown the type of friends you have got,and you see them carry on with this out of misguided sense of Loyality etc..

Maybe your friends take you for granted,take advantage of your good nature for e.g an treat like a mug for being a push over for e.g
(obviously look into why you allow yourself to be mistreated like that and set up robust boundaries explore issues in therapy.

Also explore,look into all kinds of different therapies and theories to see which ones could potentially be the most beneficial to you..

(I think Hypnotherapy/CBT cognitive therapy, a couple amongst many therapies could really be beneficial to you.

I have mixed feelings what your therapist said to you I know certain social media sites can be/or very negative .
(Mumsnet you see other viewpoints as well a range of them on different topics/subjects.
I think if you are on mums net way too much that you are not interacting/connecting to creating/sustaining a good friendships therapist might have good point on reducing being on mumsnet,as long as you have plenty of other good enough support networks to support/complement thiss kind of action,your therapist has said recommend.
(As what I am concerned about if you don't have a good enough support networks range system going and you reduce checking into mums net,are you going to feel isolated a lot/somewhat or a bit?
(Go trust your instincts/gut reaction
I think you have a good sense of this,and are articulate, but you don't belief in yourself..

Look after yourself
Eat healthy.
Do star gazing
Walk in nature,such as seeing sun set etc
Have a go try out mediation its free beneficial10-15mins good for stress relief,clarity of mind.
Try holistic therapies sych as hot stone massage therapy etc
Have a Healthspa treatment or adapt to have a at home spa session idea.
Appreciate small good things that free often taken for granted.
Practise Hygge Danish postive living mindset
Have a go at creative arts crafts.

I wonder what she would make of me. I have no support network. There are no friends or family I could depend on for support. I am lucky that I have a wonderful husband, but that is it. I’ve been thinking getting a therapist would be a good idea, but not if she is just going to blame me for being isolated.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

There a lot of toxic people on mumsnet, people who wouldn't get away with their shit in real life so hide behind a computer screen to vent and kick people when they're down. In general, I don't think social media is healthy, the exact opposite in fact. I'm trying to wean myself off it slowly however sometimes I just get engrossed!

I agree. I think you have to be quite thick skinned to post on MN, there are some utter cretins who post some really quite toxic, aggressive and spiteful comments, regularly. MN can be amazing, but it also has a pretty poor reputation for being a place where a certain type of woman comes to vent their bitter and twisted spleens.

@GertieGumboyle

I had a massive dilemma recently, and was tempted to post on MN. However, I then decided there was no point as nobody here knows me or my DC or XH, so would not have a full enough picture to be able to offer anything other than a very superficial opinion. Instead, I asked my mum and my sister and my three closest RL friends. When they all said the same, I felt reassured that the advice - which confirmed my own feelings - had come from people who knew all of us well enough to make a reasonable judgement.

This is what my husband thinks the therapist is getting at.

The main job of a counsellor in the first session is to get the client feeling comfortable, and not making the client feel like shit.

I don't believe the client felt 'like shit' though.

@MrsMiaWallis

But mumsnetters don't really know the true facts about any situation, so although they can tell you what want you want to hear it might not actually be good advice.

I have (a male!) friend who is a counsellor who thinks Mumsnet (and some other online forums) can be positively damaging!

Why does he think they can be damaging? Yes approached in the wrong way mn could be damaging, but probably less so than a real life relationship. I do think specific forums for specific things, eg an experienced, situation etc, with people who understand are often a lot more valuable than well meaning friends who don’t understand because there is no shared experience. I think it is very damaging for a counsellor to make blanket statements about things that actually might be a key part of people’s recovery.

For example I’m a member of a birth trauma group. I can honestly say that if it hadn’t have been for that group I would probably have taken my life. It was full of encouragement and support from people who understood. As wonderful as my friends are, they hadn’t gone through what I had they could never fully understand.

I’d be horrified at a counsellor suggesting something a person is finding genuinely helpful should be removed after a few minutes talking to them then leaving them dangling with a threat of removing it. Absolutely terrible Method.

@Sparklingbrook

The main job of a counsellor in the first session is to get the client feeling comfortable, and not making the client feel like shit.

I don't believe the client felt 'like shit' though.

She literally said she felt 'really upset' and 'like crap' in her OP.

@Sparklingbrook

The main job of a counsellor in the first session is to get the client feeling comfortable, and not making the client feel like shit.

I don't believe the client felt 'like shit' though.

Nor do I, Sparklingbrook

MN can be very useful in terms of shared experiences and empathy given to help make a decision, but not proper factual advice that you can absolutely rely on about your most personal problems. You need more than random strangers on the internet for that.

Some counsellors are amazing. Some are shit. Have had both. I'd find a different one tbh. Sometimes a bit of anonymous support from strangers is really helpful. It's not a bad thing.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Maybe you should explore why the comment about leading a seeking support from strangers when leading full and happy life offends you so much.

Because it's an offensive remark? It insults anyone who has ever come to MumsNet or any other forum for support.

I believe it was the last part of the comment ‘ leading a full and happy life’ that caused the upset and the op in later post acknowledged that there maybe some truth in it That is what I was getting at. Using online forums for support is great if used appropriately, but I am left wondering how dependant the op is when it has been highlighted as an issue in a first meeting and her husband is in agreement. The op in initial post has explained she has trouble opening up to friends and appears to have spent her first session detailing her use of mumsnet. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to bring up an online forum as a source of support, I might mention it briefly, I certainly couldn’t spend the best part of 50 mins talking in detail about it. If I was a counsellor listening to that I would be wondering if the client was indeed leading a full and happy life.

I think she's right OP. Posters on MN are strangers and all have their own agenda when replying to your posts (whether that is genuinely offering constructive help, unwittingly offering unconstructive help - because they are in no emotional position themselves to positively help you - to people that only have their own interests at heart, to trolls, to those that are looking for a bullfight.) You have no way of knowing who those people are or whether their intentions are good or bad. I think people that say they get good and productive support from these boards are those who already have a strong friends and family circle, and are confident in their own decision making themselves. Posting on here is just a little plus or minus. I would not replace therapy or the support of trusted real life friends who know you with the advice on an anonymous internet board. Of course you'll get lots of replies here telling you otherwise (there's only one therapist, thousands of MNers) but don't use that as a reason to reason to yourself that your therapist is wrong because she is outnumbered. I think you should do what your therapist is advising. And doesn't Mumsnet HQ always say the advice here should never be taken in place of professional advice? This is exactly the sort of situation this relates to.

C-“people who have full and happy lives don’t depend on strangers for support”

OP-"You're right I'll be leaving now"

Seriously thats a bit rich coming from a Counsellor who makes her money being the bloody stranger people PAY because they are not happy and loving every life cram packed minute.

Maybe she's scared MN will tell you to get another Counsellor who doesn't shame people for not having happy, full lives when they wander into her counselling room complaining that they're not happy with their lives.

Get another counsellor.

I don't see a Counsellor as a stranger. That's like saying a GP or any other HCP you have never met before is a stranger-so you wouldn't take any advice from them either?