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Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:
user42579522 · 13/12/2020 14:51

He's deliberately sabotaging your job. Why is he not sharing the cost of nursery?

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2020 14:54

Bloody hell OP, I was all set to say that he just needs to get used to it and he'll learn along the way like we all did....then I read the rest of it Shock

All I can suggest is that he pays for the extra nursery hours.

If he has to work longer days or take on an evening job, that's the least he can do to make up for being an absolute piss poor parent.

Whatever happens, do not have any more kids with this man, even if that means leaving him.

NeutralJanet · 13/12/2020 14:55

Go to work, turn your phone off and leave him to get on with it. He's a parent and needs to learn to get on with it just like you did, do not pander to this fake helplessness by phoning in sick to your work, that's playing right into his hands.

Thestreets · 13/12/2020 14:55

@user42579522

He's deliberately sabotaging your job. Why is he not sharing the cost of nursery?
Exactly this. He wants you at home like a little wife should be. If he can't look after DS on his days then he should be the one to pay for nursery. But quite frankly I would lose all respect for any "man" who couldn't look after his own child!!
DrManhattan · 13/12/2020 14:55

He is neglecting your baby. What a total waster.

MaskingForIt · 13/12/2020 14:57

If your DP can’t look after his own child on his allocated days, then it is your DP who needs to pay for nursery.

You also need to make sure your DP does his fair share of childcare when you are both off, so he learns what to do.

Also use good contraception, because you really don’t want to have another child with this loser.

thepeopleversuswork · 13/12/2020 14:58

@user42579522

He's deliberately sabotaging your job. Why is he not sharing the cost of nursery?
This. He's doing this on purpose because he doesn't see it as "his" job and is trying to coerce you into doing all of it.

Don't wear it. A bit of settling in and teething problems is one thing but if he can't step up and parent his own child he's just not worth staying with.

Keep your job. Get a good childminder and dump the man child.

Ohalrightthen · 13/12/2020 14:59

He's perfectly capable of taking care of your child, he just wants you to do it.

Why isn't he paying half the cost of nursery?

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2020 14:59

@NeutralJanet

Go to work, turn your phone off and leave him to get on with it. He's a parent and needs to learn to get on with it just like you did, do not pander to this fake helplessness by phoning in sick to your work, that's playing right into his hands.
If the OP leaves the baby with someone who doesn't feed it and leaves the baby all day without a drink, that'd make her just as neglectful imo.
Reindeermayhem · 13/12/2020 14:59

A day you have together with you child, make your Dp be with you both all day so he sees what a child needs. Talk him through it, make him take notes. Then he knows.
After that not giving a bay food or water is neglect. He cannot say he has not been taught.

I would turn my phone off so he cannot make me feel stressed. Give him emergency numbers for medical treatment - Dr, 111, 999 if he needs to call.

If he does not want to do childcare he can pay for it.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 13/12/2020 15:00

the days you are at home together - practice run for DP, he is responsible for all aspects of childcare, you are there purely to advise.

No, shouldn't be necessary, but sounds like it is.

Nottherealslimshady · 13/12/2020 15:03

Oh god what a mess. I'd say turn your phone off and leave him to it but honestly it sounds like he's really angry and I just wouldn't feel comfortable with that.

Can he pay for two half days (don't know why it's your responsibility to pay for childcare) So he has baby half the day then takes to nursery on both his days. He needs to learn how to care for his child but not at the expense of his childs comfort and safety. Nursery would buffer any mistakes like not giving his child a drink.

Chwaraeteg · 13/12/2020 15:03

He is abusing you and your tiny, innovent baby OP.

He is trying to sabotage your job and your wellbeing and using your baby's health and wellbeing as a tool. I think you should probably talk to your health visitir about this so simething is on record / documented and she can point you in the right direction for support. This is a horrible situation for you. Do you have any friends yoy can confide in?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2020 15:03

He’s either cruel or thick- which is it!
Easy for people to say turn your phone off at work but I couldn’t leave my baby with anyone who forgets to give them a drink and turn my phone off!
He can pay for the additional nursery days, and pick up all the house work or id be inclined to suggest you watch him with the baby the whole day and treat him like a child telling him the routine all day long but not doing it yourself.

Frouby · 13/12/2020 15:04

Fuck that shit op, you may as well be a single parent, you would be better off possibly with UC topping your wages up depending what you do.

I would not tolerate anyone neglecting my child because he's too lazy and too fucking arrogant to follow your childs usual routine.

Yesmate · 13/12/2020 15:04

You shouldn’t have to teach him. Selfish, useless and lazy. Get rid. I don’t say that lightly but he is never going to change. A day to himself while the baby is in nursery, where have all your days to yourself been. Also, why is he not contributing to the nursery costs? He wants you home all day like a good little woman.

titchy · 13/12/2020 15:04

I can't believe you pulled a five day sickie because your dh couldn't be arsed to be a parent. You've basically told him you'll bail him out all the time now.

But yes switch your phone off. You won't though.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/12/2020 15:04
  1. Don't answer the phone
  1. If it's the same shit as so far (like when he forgot to feed or water his own kid Hmm) LEAVE. He's a fucking useless son of a fuck badger.

How the fuck did you get into this crap ?

TweeBree · 13/12/2020 15:05

He's been a parent for 9 months and he has no idea how to care for his child? I'd be planning my exit. Both you and your child deserve better than this.

HugeAckmansWife · 13/12/2020 15:05

Ultimatum time.
Option 1 he pays for extra nursery days and goes back to work.. Grown ups with young kids don't usually get 'days to themselves' neither working nor doing childcare unless as a one off

Option 2 he watches and learns and gets the fuck on with it.

Option 3 you split up, he has child 50% of the time on his own.

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 13/12/2020 15:07

@titchy

I can't believe you pulled a five day sickie because your dh couldn't be arsed to be a parent. You've basically told him you'll bail him out all the time now.

But yes switch your phone off. You won't though.

This. 100% this. It's outrageous that your employer is paying for his inadequacy, and that you're complicit in it. Don't ring in sick again. You're not.
Branleuse · 13/12/2020 15:07

What a fucking moron. Is he always that useless?

Everydayimhuffling · 13/12/2020 15:09

If he can't parent his child for the days he is at home then he needs to pay for nursery. That's fine. That's what I do when I can't parent mine for some time (because I'm working, but the reason doesn't really matter). You are not available: you are working! List of questions on the door or fridge or both: has baby eaten? Has he had a drink? Does he need changing? Is he tired? etc. He needs to learn the things to check, like we all do when we get a newborn, he's just coming to it late. He is as capable as you were of learning this: don't let him get away with strategic incompetence.

Whether your DP puts baby in nursery or not, I would also suggest stepping back on some of your days together for short times (it might have helped to do this before your DP had long days with the baby). Go for a bath or walk by yourself, or go make a complicated meal or something. Don't stop or save him, just calmly ask questions: does he need a new nappy? etc.

FoxyTheFox · 13/12/2020 15:09

He gets no choice on "doing this", he's a parent. He needs to suck it up, grow up, and get on with it. His behaviour at the moment isn't fair on DS and it isn't fair on you. You should be able to leave the house confident that, while things may not be done your exact way, they will be done and your child will be looked after.

If DS is crying then he needs to work his way down the list of needs by offering food, water, a cuddle, a toy, etc until he stops crying. I'd say turn your phone off tomorrow but that might cause you a lot of unnecessary worry if you're concerned for DS, however I would refuse to go home when he orders you to.

I never say "LTB" because there's more goes on behind closed doors than anyone knows and one dispute doesn't necessarily mean a relationship is shit but in this case, is there anything redeemable there and could you see a future with a man where you have sole responsibility for the drudge work.

Original poster
Snowfl · 13/12/2020 15:09

@user42579522 I have brought this up but he says I earn more. Not much but I pay in alot more into the house so I am at a loss each month. He wants to drop a day as work is too stressful aswell apparently. I am just so fed up his job is not stressful I do think it's just his mental health. He was pxd antidepressants but doesn't take them. He told me a long time ago he was big into drugs but doesn't do them anymore and I haven't suspected anything but now I am wondering has this stress turned him back down that road. I hope not. I don't want to give up my job I enjoy going to work and it gives me time away from the house and being mum.

OP posts: